kind of figured out a little bit about what im troubled with. im seeing my a is not suffering any consequences from his behavior lately. he knows im not leaving because its not what i truley want right now and im not ready. so please give me some suggestions on consequences i could give him that dont include one of us leaving for him drinking, doing coke and not coming home. ty
Karilynn said
Nov 17, 2005
Have you set the boundary that he can't come home when he's using or still under the influence? Are there financial boudaries that you can set?
Live strong,
Karilynn
sg said
Nov 17, 2005
My suggestion is to keep working your program and get to as many f2f meetings that you can. Surround yourself w/a support system and Let Go and Let God. In time, what seems muddy will be clear and your boundaries will be defined. When that happens, you will feel your HP's hand in your life and you will be able to not only know your boundaries, but you will also be able to stick to them.
Take care of yourself and all will follow. You will know what to do when the time is right.
zoomie said
Nov 17, 2005
Not that I know anything again,but he will suffer his own consequences with out you punishing him. It would sort of like playing into his sickness and make you sick as well trying to make him suffer. I know setting boundries are good and if they suffer from your boundries then it's a bonus,but to purposly set out to make the a suffer is just as bad as the one using except worse because your strait.
bobump said
Nov 17, 2005
Karilynn wrote:Have you set the boundary that he can't come home when he's using or still under the influence? Are there financial boudaries that you can set?
Live strong,
Karilynn
I did do the you can't be in the house w/ alcohol in or on your person 4 years ago and it worked then. Now though she won't leave. I even called the cops when she was drunk and mentally abusing the kids by telling them things to hurt me. They did nothing.
I did set financial boundries that have been crossed so three are consequences there.
I'll say this though, once you are ready to set boundries, be ready to try to give it to your HP and stay strong, because your a will become very agitated once there are consequences that you impose and not ones they suffer naturally. Remember though, there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself financially.
Bob
Karilynn said
Nov 17, 2005
Well said Bob. I forgot to mention about the consquences. You have to be stubborn, or in survival mode to do this. Because the first time that you enforce the boundary, can be really difficult. I actually felt guilty about it! Go figure. But after a while it becomes empowering. Sticking to those boundaries, while difficult are worth the effort. It worked for me. I hope it will do the same for you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
Christy said
Nov 17, 2005
About not letting them come home if using....
The A almost has to agree to this.
Many years ago I tried this with my A, pre-Alanon. I tried to enforce it by locking all the doors when he came home drunk and very late. The A beat on every door until someone finally called the cops. The police asked me if he had been violent or abusive and my answer was "no".
I was informed I had absolutely no right to keep him out of his home.
So much for that...
Christy
KathyS said
Nov 17, 2005
notsonew1111 wrote:
so please give me some suggestions on consequences i could give him that dont include one of us leaving for him drinking, doing coke and not coming home. ty
********Actually, it's not our business to bring about consequences for their drug use. It's not our job. Consequeces for their choices are a natural chain of events that will happen as long as we stay out of the way. It's when we step in between them and their consequences by trying to help them or ease their pain and discomfort in anyway that we are enabling them, and prolonging their suffereing.
I think what you are needing are boundaries. Keep in mind though, that these will not stop his drinking/using. There's nothing we can do to make that happen. Perhaps as someone else suggested.......a boundary could be that when he's under the influence of any mind altering substance he is not to be in your house. You will have to enforce this boundary if you set it. So think it through.....how will you keep him out? What will you do when he comes home drunk/high?
As for him staying out all night (a very common thing amongst addicts), perhaps a boundary around that could be that your house will be locked up at 11pm (or whatever time you decide) If he's not home by that time then don't bother coming home until morning. Again, think through how you will enforce this. Lock all the doors and take away his key? Lock all the windows? What will you do if he does get in anyway? (which mine ALWAYS did no matter how fort knox ish I had the house locked up)
It will take total consistancy on your part to enforce these types of boundaries. If you let it go just once, forget it because then it will be even harder to enforce. It will also take time. A's don't like when their comfort level changes. They like things as they are. So prepare yourself for things to get worse when you first put these boundaries into place. Plan to stick to your guns once you set them and eventually over time he will realize you are serious and more than likely plan to stay somewhere else when he uses. Don't count on him stopping his drinking/drugging because of your boundaries. At least it never worked this way with mine.
The problem with us causing any other type of consequence to come there way other than from boundaries we set for us........is that then the A will blame YOU for his problems (consequences) and not the drugs. Say for example he gets arrested because you called the police and said he was drinking and driving, well then in his disease filled mind he would blame you for his arrest, instead of the real cause.....the drinking. However should he get arrested all on his own with no interference from you, well then he'd have no choice but to own his own actions. Make sense?
sg said
Nov 17, 2005
One thing that keeps me in line is to think of boundaries/consequences FOR ME. I set my boundaries w/my A (and try my hardest to keep them) w/the focus on me and my peace and serenity. Not focusing on changing his behavior or punishing him.
Diva said
Nov 17, 2005
This thread is interesting, because some of you have "missed" it. sg is asking about setting boundaries. Suggesting she go to f2f meetings and get her HP involved, while helpful, is not setting boundaries. Setting boundaries for HER instead of HIM is an interesting concept. Perhaps a boundary for HER is, "Don't allow him in the house under the influence." Boundaries work both ways. Whether it is HER boundary or HIS boundary, the consequences remain. IF she inforces the boundary. The concept of whose boundary is whose is lost on me. As is the notion of doing nothing.
Maybe I need an f2f meeting...*smile*...Does anyone see my point?
..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ ..·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ...·´ Diva-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*
Diva said
Nov 17, 2005
Ooops. That was not sg asking. It was notsonew1111. Sorry if I managed to confuse anyone. Diva
sg said
Nov 17, 2005
My suggestion of going to meetings and building a support system around ourselves is a suggestion that helped me to set MY boundaries and consequences for my A. The stronger I got in my recovery, the clearer it has become (not necessarily easier) to determined what kind of behavior I will or will not tolerate.
bobump said
Nov 17, 2005
Makes sense to me Diva.
I set my boundry w/ the checking account. If you go out and spend money one more time after I've asked you not to because I was going to pay the mortgage, or certain bills.
I did this for my serenity that I could pay the bills first and protect myself and my kids.
So there are natural consequences with my boundry. And it's funny you say the A will blame me. My a was literally sitting her telling me, I've taken away her self esteem, that I need to make her feel well again, that I need to do all these things for her to change.
She asked me how she could gain my trust again. I honestly don't know. Besides lots of time. She asked me how come I wouldn't believe her promises. I calmly explained that she had a disease, she was in a very active stage of that disease and that one of the things associated with this disease is that people will say anything to get what they believe they need or deserve.
I tried to say what I mean. I certainly meant it. I don't think it sounded mean. I still dont' feel comfortable that it was right.
Bob
-- Edited by bobump at 13:26, 2005-11-17