We got on the top in my step meeting today about Trust. Someone mentioned that they trust everyone until they get burned and how this wasn't healthy. I was giving the acknowledging nod and chuckling thinking that is me.
Trust, most definately an asset. Taken to an extreme it could be a defect. Another example of something good taken too far not being good for you.
Then something hit me in the meeting. I trusted people until they burned me. Why didn't I trust my HP? Why did I continue to think I could fix it and not give it to him? I'm making small steps in regard and hopefully this small realization will continue to help me.
Bob
kissers said
Nov 16, 2005
Hi Bob:
We must have been in the same meeting. I was the same way until I got into recovery. I was so desperate to trust someone because I never had that growing up. I was projecting my trustworthiness onto other people. I have since learned to listen to that inner voice(God/HP)and I have met two people who are not trustworthy and was proud of myself for not trusting them completely until I got to know them better. I am too trusting, get burned then build a wall and don't trust anyone for a long time. I have more trust in God than anyone else. He will guide me.
Lisa
hopefortoday said
Nov 17, 2005
wow, bobump, that's a great way to look at it. I am the same way with trust. You gave me a new way to think about HP - thanks. - Hope
sg said
Nov 17, 2005
kissers wrote:
I was projecting my trustworthiness onto other people.
That sentence really hit me. I totally agree w/you on that,Lisa. For me I think that people are like me. If I'm trustworthy, then they must be.
Trust is such a difficult thing for me. My problem is that when someone does something to me, I easily forget the pain involved and then trust that they won't do it again. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain, but sometimes I let go of the lesson too.
Barbara said
Nov 17, 2005
listen to that inner voice(God/HP)
this seems like an easier way to think of my "Higher Power" - its my inner voice
bobump said
Nov 17, 2005
One of the things I love about this program is that it allows us to have our own relationship with god. And even with all that flexibility, so many of us have a spiritual awakeng by working this program.
I don't even have a sponser yet so I'm not truly working the program yet, and I'm already feeling that awakening.
kissers said
Nov 17, 2005
This trust issue also goes back to my alcoholic family growing up. They would distort my reality and tell me my feelings were wrong, so of course I would have little trust in myself and trust everyone else...this is what I was taught. Some of the people who hurt us do so intentionally and some do it because they have their own issues of trust. This reminds me of my ex who would constantly keep tabs on me and did not trust me at all. I kept thinking that I must have somehow made him not trust me. It had nothing to do with me. He was projecting his own untrustworthiness onto me. Then shortly thereafter I had a new manager at work who did the same thing. Those who think no one can be trusted have either been burned and put up a wall or they are projecting their own untrustworthiness. It's an arduous process to learn that I don't live in others' worlds and they don't live in mine. I'm only responsible for keeping my side of the street clean by having boundaries, knowing myself, and listening to my inner voice.
Satori said
Nov 17, 2005
Ditto, ditto, on the trust issue! My big line used to be "I always give someone benefit of the doubt, until they give me a reason not to." In other words, I'll "hire" you to be my friend or be in a relationship, but as soon as you screw up I have a reason to "fire" you, that's it, bye-bye. Funny thing is, I find that most people are going to "let you down" on some level to include my own child, most times without fully realizing the hurt caused to the other person because they are caught up in their own growth process, struggles and/or strife. They are in so much confusion themselves at that moment, that it hard for them to grasp the path of pain they are leaving in their own footprints.
The truth for me, when I really looked at myself, it was an expectation I placed on the other person to be "perfect" in that arena for the same reason that kissers pointed out, I craved trust from a lack of it in childhood. It's a terrible expectation, and one that will surely lead to one's own heart being disappointed and hurt, over and over again. It's a set-up for emotional sabatage. Because we cannot control what others are going through themselves, thinking, etc. when trust is broken, like when my father sexually abused be. And, when I really look at myself again, I have let people down too, just because I thought I was better at doing that (more polite, etc.), didn't make it any different, or above it, I just didn't see it in the same Light.
If trust is broken, I look at the person. What are they going through? What are they struggling with? If they don't hurt me physically, then they can't really "hurt" me unless I take it personally and "own" their pain and troubles. Not my place to "own" anything of someone else's, only to understand. And, it doesn't mean that I "discard" the person to the garbage can, it simply defines more clearly what this person is capable of giving/receiving right now, and what they are not. I still treat the person with kindness and respect, and I am just more aware of where they are in life. And, as we all know, people can and do find "recovery" on some level. Rather than make the situation any worse after I address it with them, I offer a hug now, not a "pink slip," and leave the rest to God and the other person where it goes from there. And, if I am the one that broke trust, I ask myself what doubt inside myself did I have at that moment to not be trustworthy? Why did I feel a need or reason to not be honest with myself and the other person? What can I do now to amend?
Excellent topic Bob!!!!!!!!!!!!
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
sg said
Nov 17, 2005
I am reminding myself that I can still love someone even though I don't trust them.
marmare said
Nov 17, 2005
LOL I had a hard time trusting my HP to....I was so willing to let go and let God...but then things got worse!!!! I talked to my mother in-law, a faithful woman, she said if you let go and let God, now TRUST HIM! He will do what's right, I have almost, and that is almost surrendered my money worries, and my A to him. I have started asking my HP to HEAL MY A.....if anyone can it is him.
We got on the top in my step meeting today about Trust. Someone mentioned that they trust everyone until they get burned and how this wasn't healthy. I was giving the acknowledging nod and chuckling thinking that is me.
Trust, most definately an asset. Taken to an extreme it could be a defect. Another example of something good taken too far not being good for you.
Then something hit me in the meeting. I trusted people until they burned me. Why didn't I trust my HP? Why did I continue to think I could fix it and not give it to him? I'm making small steps in regard and hopefully this small realization will continue to help me.
Bob
Hi Bob:
We must have been in the same meeting. I was the same way until I got into recovery. I was so desperate to trust someone because I never had that growing up. I was projecting my trustworthiness onto other people. I have since learned to listen to that inner voice(God/HP)and I have met two people who are not trustworthy and was proud of myself for not trusting them completely until I got to know them better. I am too trusting, get burned then build a wall and don't trust anyone for a long time. I have more trust in God than anyone else. He will guide me.
Lisa
Ditto, ditto, on the trust issue! My big line used to be "I always give someone benefit of the doubt, until they give me a reason not to." In other words, I'll "hire" you to be my friend or be in a relationship, but as soon as you screw up I have a reason to "fire" you, that's it, bye-bye. Funny thing is, I find that most people are going to "let you down" on some level to include my own child, most times without fully realizing the hurt caused to the other person because they are caught up in their own growth process, struggles and/or strife. They are in so much confusion themselves at that moment, that it hard for them to grasp the path of pain they are leaving in their own footprints.
The truth for me, when I really looked at myself, it was an expectation I placed on the other person to be "perfect" in that arena for the same reason that kissers pointed out, I craved trust from a lack of it in childhood. It's a terrible expectation, and one that will surely lead to one's own heart being disappointed and hurt, over and over again. It's a set-up for emotional sabatage. Because we cannot control what others are going through themselves, thinking, etc. when trust is broken, like when my father sexually abused be. And, when I really look at myself again, I have let people down too, just because I thought I was better at doing that (more polite, etc.), didn't make it any different, or above it, I just didn't see it in the same Light.
If trust is broken, I look at the person. What are they going through? What are they struggling with? If they don't hurt me physically, then they can't really "hurt" me unless I take it personally and "own" their pain and troubles. Not my place to "own" anything of someone else's, only to understand. And, it doesn't mean that I "discard" the person to the garbage can, it simply defines more clearly what this person is capable of giving/receiving right now, and what they are not. I still treat the person with kindness and respect, and I am just more aware of where they are in life. And, as we all know, people can and do find "recovery" on some level. Rather than make the situation any worse after I address it with them, I offer a hug now, not a "pink slip," and leave the rest to God and the other person where it goes from there. And, if I am the one that broke trust, I ask myself what doubt inside myself did I have at that moment to not be trustworthy? Why did I feel a need or reason to not be honest with myself and the other person? What can I do now to amend?
Excellent topic Bob!!!!!!!!!!!!
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
LOL I had a hard time trusting my HP to....I was so willing to let go and let God...but then things got worse!!!! I talked to my mother in-law, a faithful woman, she said if you let go and let God, now TRUST HIM! He will do what's right, I have almost, and that is almost surrendered my money worries, and my A to him. I have started asking my HP to HEAL MY A.....if anyone can it is him.
Hugs Mary