I'm little confused right now. I am trying to do what's right.
To sum it up quickly for anyone that doesn't know. Here goes;
My husband was diagnosed with Alcohol Liver Disease, then he got fired from his job for drinking. He continued to drink, wasn't helping me with the kids, and was spending all of his time over at his parents house, even though I was the one working and my pay was the only one coming into the house. I threw him out. I told him that the kids and I would not live with this nonsence any longer. He has been staying at his parents house. They enable and encourage his drinking and provide for his every need and want, so why should he bother looking for work? He was not helping out here at all and not helping to support the kids. All of the bills had been my responsibility including his car and health insurance.
A while ago I dumped some of the bills onto him. In reality I knew I was dumping them onto his parents and they where quick to tell me so. I didn't care how they got paid. I said unless he wanted me to take him to family court, they had better be paid, that if they wanted to make his life so comfortable that he shouldn't have to work and all jobs where beneath him, then they could help him support his children. They had been paying the bills.
Okay here's the problem. He has an evaluation at a rehab tomorrow. The good Doctor, not his Mothers Dr, is referring him, so the insurance should not give us a problem. He has done this on his own. I did not help, and I do not know if he will follow through. I am staying out of it, it is his fight and he has to do it alone, I understand that.
His parents DO NOT want him to go. They are now insisting that they will no longer pay the bills he is responsible for. They said if he goes into rehab, they are his problem, that he can get a job and pay them himself. Okay I agree this is what he should be doing, but they timed it to try and keep him from going. If he doesn't go they will continue to pay the bills.
He will not see the manipulation of them, but he does see a problem. I can go and get a temporary job, nights and weekends to get though the holidays and the time he is in rehab. I am willing to do this, I do want to support his efforts if in fact he does go. I know I should not take responsibility for the kids and the house away from him, but somehow the bills have to be paid. If I get a job am I being as manipulative as they are.
I told them that if they are not paid I would go to family court when I first gave them to them. How do I take the man to court when his is trying to help himself? I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I am trying not to enable him, his parents have that down to a science, but I feel like they are trying to blackmail him.
I realize if he chooses to seek sobriety, he will and nothing I can do will change that. But the man cannot get a job (not that he has) and go into rehab at the same time. He needs inpatient most likely, I cannot let him come here and his parents house is definately not condusive to recovery. We cannot afford him to get a place of his own. I also cannot just sit back and watch utilities get turned off, I have to do something.
Mind you, he could change his mind and not go, he has done that all too often.
Any input would be appreciated.
Love Jeannie
-- Edited by Jeannie at 11:11, 2005-11-16
megan said
Nov 16, 2005
Hi Jeannie
((((((((((((Jeannie))))))))))))))))
This is sure a tough spot that your husband and his parents have put you in.
Perhaps, for just today, give over the situation to your HP and let him figure it out.
Back away from the drama and the manipulation.
You and your family are in my prayers today
In support
Megan
BlueCloud said
Nov 16, 2005
((((Jeannie))))),
To me, it sounds like your A is between a rock and a hard place. However, as hard as it is to watch, I would let him figure out how to handle his own situation. He is a grown man, and it seems to me, he needs to grapple with this dilemma between himself, his parents, and rehab himself. If he chooses, to be manipulated by his parents, let him feel the consequences of this. He if chooses to go to rehab, and invoke the wrath of his parents, he'll have to face that as well. Regardless, he does have options. He could negotiate an agreement with his parents that works for everyone, he could ask you for help, etc.
I can see that you want to step in and help by getting a part-time job (and I have many, many, many times stepped in to offer this kind of "help" myself). In my opinion, this would be rescuing him in a way by stepping in and offering a solution to his dilemma. Unless he has specifically asked you for this help, I would not offer it. Simply stay out of his dillema.
If your major concern is the bills, it seems you can take care of YOU around that without involving him. It doesn't seem that you have to decide whether or not to follow through with your threat to take him to family court TODAY, but you could start putting a plan in place in case you have to cover a bill in order to keep the lights on and take care of YOU and your family. As hard as it is, detach from his family drama and take care of you!!!
You're doing great Jeannie. Stay strong!
Take what's helpful, leave the rest!!!
BlueCloud
Jeannie said
Nov 16, 2005
That's the problem, the only way I can cover the bills I gave him would be to get a part time job. I already work, and gave those bills to him becasue I could not carry it alone finacially without something from him.
He is not in the house and neither are his parents. It is actually my dilema, if the power goes out, it's the kids and I without electricity, not him. I have been threatening them into paying the bills, with court. I guess they figure I will not go to court if he is in rehab. They are basically saying if he goes in, everything is my responsibility.
Or they are figuring I will say please don't go into rehab, I need the bills paid.
He has no income right now, only what his parents give him. They hate me, and do not want him in rehab, or any other place where he can get help to stop drinking.
KathyS said
Nov 16, 2005
His parents sure could benefit from Al Anon but that's another story and none of our business sooooooooooo......
If I were you, I would get a job. By doing so you are:
1. taking care of yourself and your kids
2. ensuring that none of your utilities get shut off
3. supporting (not enabling) his decision of going to rehab if he so chooses by alleviating him of his financial reponsibilities while he is there.
I remember one time when my husband was in rehab we were very bad off financially. This was pre program for me so my thinking was not very healthy. I was in a panic state since he owns and operates his own business and I don't work. How was I supposed to run the house while he was gone for 28 days??
When we spoke about this over the phone, he kept saying how his counselor said this, and his counselor said that.......I said well what does your counselor say about your family becoming homeless while your in there resting? He said ........she said I have to put my recovery above everything else if I want to not die from this disease, so that I shouldn't worry about anything but me right now.
Oh man was I heated! I felt that he had done nothing but worry about himself for the previous 3 years while he was using, but now he was going to continue to be selfish only this time with the blessing of his counselor?? I was in such an unhealthy place in my own mind during that time I was resentful of his rehab, counselors and everything to do with it. I mean don't get me wrong, I had always wanted him to go, but when he actually did I felt such mixed emotions.
Part of it was jealousy because I wanted so badly to be the one to fix him, not anyone else, and here he was eating up every word these strangers had to say. Part of it was fear because I somehow felt once he got better I would lose him, or actually not be good enough for him, part of it was security because I needed him to support us and another part of the jealousy for me was of him.....that there he was being treated like a poor *sick* man, being catered to, counseled, given medication for a cough he had, all his needs being met.....while here I was dragging 3 babies to churches trying to put food on the table, sick as a dog with the same cough/flu he had yet not affording to be able to go to the Dr. I was just overhwelmed and felt I had way too much on my plate.
Well, I shared all this with him in not a very nice way, and don't you know he decided to leave the program early and come home in 10 days opposed to the 28 they recommended. Sick as it sounds I actually felt happy. As if, ok he really does love me and care about what I'm going through here. I felt that now everything would be ok. Boy was I wrong. It wasn't too long later that he relapsed and I couldn't help but blame myself. I had acted so damn selfishly by worrying more about my needs than his and not accepting the fact of just how sick he really was. Life or death sick literally.
So based on my experience there I just wanted to share with you not to feel guilty if you choose to work right now so he doesn't have the responsiblity of paying his share of things just for the time he's in rehab. I wouldn't consider that enabling at all, if it was for anything but rehab maybe, but this I would look at differently.
I tend to be the type to cut off my nose to spite my face so to speak. Personally, I would do it also just to show his parents they didn't have the total control over my family that they seemed to want to have. I know that's wrong, but I'm just behing honest!
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
cdb said
Nov 16, 2005
Hello Jeannie,
((((((((((((((supportive hugs))))))))))))) You have gotten such great suggestions based on others ESH above! I just agree so much with what was already written. Take care of you.....let A take care of him. Do what you need to for you and the kids. Thank God their is something like family court to help you too. Keep us posted and you are in my prayers. I wish I could make it better Jeannie, but so far you have done so many of all the best things,,, trust in you and your HP. He hasn't let you down yet in my opinion. :) cdb
notsonew1111 said
Nov 16, 2005
you have been doing such a wonderful job with your boundaries. im very proud of you. but now your a is considering treatment. if his parents kick him out because of this or wont help him out anymore that is there desicion. in the case of him not doing anything about his drinking i totally agree with you about not picking up his slack. but in my opinion if he does make that huge step into recovery why not offer the support and pick up the slack. just while hes in rehab. you could set a boundary like i will get another job and take care of things only while your in rehab/treatment. but if you drop out or when your finished then the bills are once again your responsibility. i assume you love this man so why not egg him on and support him to make the right desicion to go to rehab.show him you care very much about his recovery. if you dont care about him anymore or want to stay separated for good then just let it all go. its in his hands. and his own problem. just my 2cents
Jeannie said
Nov 16, 2005
Thanks so much all of you,
I really appreciate your input. I think taking a second job is the right thing to do. I do love him (I admitt at times I hate him!) and want esperately for him to get well. I don't want him to die and with his Liver problems, that is inevitable if he doesn't stop drinking. Ultimately I want him home, when the time is right and he and I are both ready. If in fact that day comes.
I really believe that we can at some point get our marriage back together. He has told me he wants that very much, and I do as well. But no matter what, he should be able to watch the kids grow up,
Love Jeannie
P.S. Kathy, you are not wrong at all, and I can be spitefull as well. I would like nothing better than to show the old witch that I don't need her money, and neither does her son. I would love nothing more than to have the control she has over him, and tried to have over this family gone forever.
-- Edited by Jeannie at 17:06, 2005-11-16
Karilynn said
Nov 16, 2005
Okay lady,
You do what you have to do to take care of your family. your mother-in-law! You're 21 years old , you don't have to justify your behavior to anyone. If you need to do this because it's in the best interest of the family, then do it. Remember "the old witch" is just as sick, if not more so than your husband. But I wouldn't cut her any slack. Sorry. I have no patience for people like her. I lived with a step-mother from hell who hurt my father rather than helped him. My mother-in-law use to beat my husband so I'm biased.
Take care of you and the family. We've got your back.
Live strong,
Karilynn
leo said
Nov 17, 2005
Hi Jeannie,
Instead of focusing on who is paying what bills while your A is in re-hab look at this as a bump in the road. Step back from your A and his mother. Under any other circumstances if you needed to provide for your kids on your own you know that you can do it. Look how much you have achieved so far. Can you arrange with your utility providers to pay the bills in instalments to ease the pressure a little? Let HP take care of your A and his recovery. Luv Leo xx
PS: Make sure you take time to relax if you do take the 2nd job on I don't want you burning out.
Hi,
I'm little confused right now. I am trying to do what's right.
To sum it up quickly for anyone that doesn't know. Here goes;
My husband was diagnosed with Alcohol Liver Disease, then he got fired from his job for drinking. He continued to drink, wasn't helping me with the kids, and was spending all of his time over at his parents house, even though I was the one working and my pay was the only one coming into the house. I threw him out. I told him that the kids and I would not live with this nonsence any longer. He has been staying at his parents house. They enable and encourage his drinking and provide for his every need and want, so why should he bother looking for work? He was not helping out here at all and not helping to support the kids. All of the bills had been my responsibility including his car and health insurance.
A while ago I dumped some of the bills onto him. In reality I knew I was dumping them onto his parents and they where quick to tell me so. I didn't care how they got paid. I said unless he wanted me to take him to family court, they had better be paid, that if they wanted to make his life so comfortable that he shouldn't have to work and all jobs where beneath him, then they could help him support his children. They had been paying the bills.
Okay here's the problem. He has an evaluation at a rehab tomorrow. The good Doctor, not his Mothers Dr, is referring him, so the insurance should not give us a problem. He has done this on his own. I did not help, and I do not know if he will follow through. I am staying out of it, it is his fight and he has to do it alone, I understand that.
His parents DO NOT want him to go. They are now insisting that they will no longer pay the bills he is responsible for. They said if he goes into rehab, they are his problem, that he can get a job and pay them himself. Okay I agree this is what he should be doing, but they timed it to try and keep him from going. If he doesn't go they will continue to pay the bills.
He will not see the manipulation of them, but he does see a problem. I can go and get a temporary job, nights and weekends to get though the holidays and the time he is in rehab. I am willing to do this, I do want to support his efforts if in fact he does go. I know I should not take responsibility for the kids and the house away from him, but somehow the bills have to be paid. If I get a job am I being as manipulative as they are.
I told them that if they are not paid I would go to family court when I first gave them to them. How do I take the man to court when his is trying to help himself? I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I am trying not to enable him, his parents have that down to a science, but I feel like they are trying to blackmail him.
I realize if he chooses to seek sobriety, he will and nothing I can do will change that. But the man cannot get a job (not that he has) and go into rehab at the same time. He needs inpatient most likely, I cannot let him come here and his parents house is definately not condusive to recovery. We cannot afford him to get a place of his own. I also cannot just sit back and watch utilities get turned off, I have to do something.
Mind you, he could change his mind and not go, he has done that all too often.
Any input would be appreciated.
Love Jeannie
-- Edited by Jeannie at 11:11, 2005-11-16
Hi Jeannie
((((((((((((Jeannie))))))))))))))))
This is sure a tough spot that your husband and his parents have put you in.
Perhaps, for just today, give over the situation to your HP and let him figure it out.
Back away from the drama and the manipulation.
You and your family are in my prayers today
In support
Megan
((((Jeannie))))),
To me, it sounds like your A is between a rock and a hard place. However, as hard as it is to watch, I would let him figure out how to handle his own situation. He is a grown man, and it seems to me, he needs to grapple with this dilemma between himself, his parents, and rehab himself. If he chooses, to be manipulated by his parents, let him feel the consequences of this. He if chooses to go to rehab, and invoke the wrath of his parents, he'll have to face that as well. Regardless, he does have options. He could negotiate an agreement with his parents that works for everyone, he could ask you for help, etc.
I can see that you want to step in and help by getting a part-time job (and I have many, many, many times stepped in to offer this kind of "help" myself). In my opinion, this would be rescuing him in a way by stepping in and offering a solution to his dilemma. Unless he has specifically asked you for this help, I would not offer it. Simply stay out of his dillema.
If your major concern is the bills, it seems you can take care of YOU around that without involving him. It doesn't seem that you have to decide whether or not to follow through with your threat to take him to family court TODAY, but you could start putting a plan in place in case you have to cover a bill in order to keep the lights on and take care of YOU and your family. As hard as it is, detach from his family drama and take care of you!!!
You're doing great Jeannie. Stay strong!
Take what's helpful, leave the rest!!!
BlueCloud
That's the problem, the only way I can cover the bills I gave him would be to get a part time job. I already work, and gave those bills to him becasue I could not carry it alone finacially without something from him.
He is not in the house and neither are his parents. It is actually my dilema, if the power goes out, it's the kids and I without electricity, not him. I have been threatening them into paying the bills, with court. I guess they figure I will not go to court if he is in rehab. They are basically saying if he goes in, everything is my responsibility.
Or they are figuring I will say please don't go into rehab, I need the bills paid.
He has no income right now, only what his parents give him. They hate me, and do not want him in rehab, or any other place where he can get help to stop drinking.
His parents sure could benefit from Al Anon but that's another story and none of our business sooooooooooo......
If I were you, I would get a job. By doing so you are:
1. taking care of yourself and your kids
2. ensuring that none of your utilities get shut off
3. supporting (not enabling) his decision of going to rehab if he so chooses by alleviating him of his financial reponsibilities while he is there.
I remember one time when my husband was in rehab we were very bad off financially. This was pre program for me so my thinking was not very healthy. I was in a panic state since he owns and operates his own business and I don't work. How was I supposed to run the house while he was gone for 28 days??
When we spoke about this over the phone, he kept saying how his counselor said this, and his counselor said that.......I said well what does your counselor say about your family becoming homeless while your in there resting? He said ........she said I have to put my recovery above everything else if I want to not die from this disease, so that I shouldn't worry about anything but me right now.
Oh man was I heated! I felt that he had done nothing but worry about himself for the previous 3 years while he was using, but now he was going to continue to be selfish only this time with the blessing of his counselor?? I was in such an unhealthy place in my own mind during that time I was resentful of his rehab, counselors and everything to do with it. I mean don't get me wrong, I had always wanted him to go, but when he actually did I felt such mixed emotions.
Part of it was jealousy because I wanted so badly to be the one to fix him, not anyone else, and here he was eating up every word these strangers had to say. Part of it was fear because I somehow felt once he got better I would lose him, or actually not be good enough for him, part of it was security because I needed him to support us and another part of the jealousy for me was of him.....that there he was being treated like a poor *sick* man, being catered to, counseled, given medication for a cough he had, all his needs being met.....while here I was dragging 3 babies to churches trying to put food on the table, sick as a dog with the same cough/flu he had yet not affording to be able to go to the Dr. I was just overhwelmed and felt I had way too much on my plate.
Well, I shared all this with him in not a very nice way, and don't you know he decided to leave the program early and come home in 10 days opposed to the 28 they recommended. Sick as it sounds I actually felt happy. As if, ok he really does love me and care about what I'm going through here. I felt that now everything would be ok. Boy was I wrong. It wasn't too long later that he relapsed and I couldn't help but blame myself. I had acted so damn selfishly by worrying more about my needs than his and not accepting the fact of just how sick he really was. Life or death sick literally.
So based on my experience there I just wanted to share with you not to feel guilty if you choose to work right now so he doesn't have the responsiblity of paying his share of things just for the time he's in rehab. I wouldn't consider that enabling at all, if it was for anything but rehab maybe, but this I would look at differently.
I tend to be the type to cut off my nose to spite my face so to speak. Personally, I would do it also just to show his parents they didn't have the total control over my family that they seemed to want to have. I know that's wrong, but I'm just behing honest!
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Hello Jeannie,
((((((((((((((supportive hugs))))))))))))) You have gotten such great suggestions based on others ESH above! I just agree so much with what was already written. Take care of you.....let A take care of him. Do what you need to for you and the kids. Thank God their is something like family court to help you too. Keep us posted and you are in my prayers. I wish I could make it better Jeannie, but so far you have done so many of all the best things,,, trust in you and your HP. He hasn't let you down yet in my opinion. :) cdb
Thanks so much all of you,
I really appreciate your input. I think taking a second job is the right thing to do. I do love him (I admitt at times I hate him!) and want esperately for him to get well. I don't want him to die and with his Liver problems, that is inevitable if he doesn't stop drinking. Ultimately I want him home, when the time is right and he and I are both ready. If in fact that day comes.
I really believe that we can at some point get our marriage back together. He has told me he wants that very much, and I do as well. But no matter what, he should be able to watch the kids grow up,
Love Jeannie
P.S. Kathy, you are not wrong at all, and I can be spitefull as well. I would like nothing better than to show the old witch that I don't need her money, and neither does her son. I would love nothing more than to have the control she has over him, and tried to have over this family gone forever.
-- Edited by Jeannie at 17:06, 2005-11-16
Hi Jeannie,
Instead of focusing on who is paying what bills while your A is in re-hab look at this as a bump in the road. Step back from your A and his mother. Under any other circumstances if you needed to provide for your kids on your own you know that you can do it. Look how much you have achieved so far. Can you arrange with your utility providers to pay the bills in instalments to ease the pressure a little? Let HP take care of your A and his recovery. Luv Leo xx
PS: Make sure you take time to relax if you do take the 2nd job on I don't want you burning out.