Went to see the lawyer today and it went very well. Apparently, according to the attorney b/c I've been a smart cookie and have put nothing in his name, I'm pretty well protected. The house was mine before we married and all he would be entitled to is how much the house has appreciated in the course of our marriage (3 years) that was a result of both of our work (he paid for nothing nor did he do any physical labor) and not primarly attributed to the market (which is about 98% of my house's appreciation). Because we have no common credit cards, bank accounts and no children, it's fairly simple as long as he agrees. A legal spearation will entitle him to the year for medical benefits (I pay) which the cost is about equal to what he would be entitled to. WHEW! One more hurdle! I explained that I would not do anything until after the holidays. A legal separation also does not mean divorce. It can turn into one after a year, but doesn't have to. I just feel better knowing my options. As my A has only about a week clean I felt it better to wait to discuss this for alot of reasons. 1) the holidays are coming. Not to say that we will be together; but it's not the right time 2) he is sooo newly sober. I'd rather give him 6 weeks. But after that, does anyone have any suggestions as to how to bring this up?
captcodee said
Nov 14, 2005
((kim))
This is a hard step.
I was seperated for 3 years.
I am now married to him again. I discovered that I had a lot of work to do, not just him. However, it took almost a year and a half for me to see that, so be patient my friend, be patient.
I did the same thing, and it was right for me. Tough, but right.
Your friend;
Aron
kitty said
Nov 14, 2005
Be open to what HP has in store for you, you don't even really have to think about it, just "back burner it". Give yourself peace, space & time. No large decisions should ever be rushed.
Meditiate, contemplate about what it si that you want for yourself. I sometimes ask God (my HP) to show me, direct me, often before bed time & some dream will come that will reveal something to me.
Maybe I procrastinate, I just like to think of every angle (I can) before I act - play my own devil's advocate.
lin0606 said
Nov 14, 2005
I wouldn't worry about it - the time to bring it up is when you feel you cannot live with him any longer. Having this information empowers you, you now know what your financial situation is likely to be. You can just take it one day at a time for now. Focus on you, give him room to do the growing he will need to do if this sobriety is going to take.
Just knowing that you CAN leave, that you will not be left destitute, probably will take some pressure off of you. For me, knowing that I could leave if I had to, for some reason made it easier to stay.
Kim said
Nov 14, 2005
Well, I think the issue is that I don't live with him any longer. We have not lived in the same house for the past 4 months. The separation agreement would merely put on paper what has been transpiring here for the past 4 months.
Jeannie said
Nov 14, 2005
Kim,
Knowing your rights, and having the seperation agreement ready to do is a great thing for you. I realize that you have not lived together in a while, but 4 months is not actually that long.
With him newly sober and the Holidays coming, maybe it would be best to just sit tight for a while. Unless things have happened to make it necessary to do it soon. Why not give yourslef some time. Time to see how you feel about him, and time to get through the Holidays.
When and if the time is right to discuss it with him, I'm sure you will know better than anyone.
Take care.
Love Jeannie
UncleLou said
Nov 14, 2005
When my wife told me 'Get a job or get a lawer' I was crushed. When I saw the posting for $2,700 in our checkbook and looked up the name and found out it was a lawer, I was crushed again. I think things can take on a life of their own once a lawer gets involved.
Just be careful and aware of your motives and intentions. I'm not sure my wife really wanted the divorce when she got the lawer. My reaction to it probably pushed the process along further. If she meant it to be just a scare tactic or a wake up call for me, it didn't work that way. I was just further convinced that this was what she wanted all along, there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Like I said, sometime these things take on a life of their own after a lawer gets involved.
Lou
debilyn said
Nov 15, 2005
hi, i find this is when we need to remind ourselves, "one day at a time." Six weeks is a lot of days from now. You guys may feel totally different by then. We also cannot control
if they will be sober or not.
I mean what if he uses in a week or a day? We have no control over that. Since this
affects him, I would tell him. It is up to him if he is ready to deal with it or not. Part
of sobriety, being on a program of recovery, is facing life and its obstacles and
dealing with it.
I sure would not tip toe around. I would take care of me like I always do.
just my thoughts. love,debilyn
Went to see the lawyer today and it went very well. Apparently, according to the attorney b/c I've been a smart cookie and have put nothing in his name, I'm pretty well protected. The house was mine before we married and all he would be entitled to is how much the house has appreciated in the course of our marriage (3 years) that was a result of both of our work (he paid for nothing nor did he do any physical labor) and not primarly attributed to the market (which is about 98% of my house's appreciation). Because we have no common credit cards, bank accounts and no children, it's fairly simple as long as he agrees. A legal spearation will entitle him to the year for medical benefits (I pay) which the cost is about equal to what he would be entitled to. WHEW! One more hurdle! I explained that I would not do anything until after the holidays. A legal separation also does not mean divorce. It can turn into one after a year, but doesn't have to. I just feel better knowing my options. As my A has only about a week clean I felt it better to wait to discuss this for alot of reasons. 1) the holidays are coming. Not to say that we will be together; but it's not the right time 2) he is sooo newly sober. I'd rather give him 6 weeks. But after that, does anyone have any suggestions as to how to bring this up?
((kim))
This is a hard step.
I was seperated for 3 years.
I am now married to him again. I discovered that I had a lot of work to do, not just him. However, it took almost a year and a half for me to see that, so be patient my friend, be patient.
I did the same thing, and it was right for me. Tough, but right.
Your friend;
Be open to what HP has in store for you, you don't even really have to think about it, just "back burner it". Give yourself peace, space & time. No large decisions should ever be rushed.
Meditiate, contemplate about what it si that you want for yourself. I sometimes ask God (my HP) to show me, direct me, often before bed time & some dream will come that will reveal something to me.
Maybe I procrastinate, I just like to think of every angle (I can) before I act - play my own devil's advocate.
Kim,
Knowing your rights, and having the seperation agreement ready to do is a great thing for you. I realize that you have not lived together in a while, but 4 months is not actually that long.
With him newly sober and the Holidays coming, maybe it would be best to just sit tight for a while. Unless things have happened to make it necessary to do it soon. Why not give yourslef some time. Time to see how you feel about him, and time to get through the Holidays.
When and if the time is right to discuss it with him, I'm sure you will know better than anyone.
Take care.
Love Jeannie
When my wife told me 'Get a job or get a lawer' I was crushed. When I saw the posting for $2,700 in our checkbook and looked up the name and found out it was a lawer, I was crushed again. I think things can take on a life of their own once a lawer gets involved.
Just be careful and aware of your motives and intentions. I'm not sure my wife really wanted the divorce when she got the lawer. My reaction to it probably pushed the process along further. If she meant it to be just a scare tactic or a wake up call for me, it didn't work that way. I was just further convinced that this was what she wanted all along, there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Like I said, sometime these things take on a life of their own after a lawer gets involved.
Lou