he is giving amanda a few days to get used to the idea:(
chrissy said
Nov 13, 2005
chuck didn't come back yet because of amanda.:( he said to give her a few days to get used to the idea of him being home again. i am so upset i really missed him even more last night. this really sucks. he is doing good though & he is still at his moms. i am so mad at amanda. but i know she is 13 and she has been through alot. but its seems like she could give a shit less about me . i told her stop running to your boyfriend & telling him everything because he is being childish and doesnt listen when i say please dont call . this is our private life & i dont want him to tell his family and she said well you tell your friends and the al-anon board. how could i have raised such an uncaring child to see her mom crying and not even care. i asked her to help clean & still nothing i am so mad i clean and she sabatoges it ,but says it was an accident.. she still hasn't done anything she was supposed to do last night. i took her cell phone away today & she is grounded i am not letting her go to cheerleading either. but i have a meeting at 12 and i really dont feel like going .if i dont go then she can't go on her trip. i am going i am just being a bitc*
i know let go let god :)
we ll i really needed to vent thanks for always being here for me
hugs chrissy
Jeannie said
Nov 13, 2005
(((Chrissy))))
Does Amanda go to Alateen? My children have counseling in their schools that help them deal with my husbands alcoholism.
They too get angry at him, and want nothing to do with him. While I respect their opinions and feelings, they have to understand that he may be their father, but he is my husband. As someone else pointed out, they will eventually move out and get on with their own lives. You deserve a life as well.
Our children have been hurt as much as we have. Sometimes more, as they don't understand. They see the verbal abuse, the broken promises and the lies. To them this becoems a model for life. This is not the way they believe life is supposed to be, and it scares them. I know my own children see life as much calmer without my husband here. The drama is gone, and Mom doesn't cry as much, or I do it quietly in my room. I remind them that I love him, I remind them that I miss him. With my older kids I take it as a chance to remind them that I wsn't born a Mom, that I am a person and a person in love. That I have the same needs that they do for companionship and affection, that can only be met by my partner. As most of them are in relationships, they can see this.
When you love someone, it isn't easy to throw them away. We want to forgive, we want to try and start fresh. Don't preach to her, but try talking to her woman to woman, let her see younot as just Mom, but as your husbands Wife, who loves him. Let her see you as a person in love. Try putting it on a level she can understand. Be honset and don't worry about being vulnerable.
Her relationship with your husband is hers, it might never heal totally. Then again, something new may come out of it. Maybe he should try and talk to her, honestly and openly with no demands.
Sometimes we need to remind the children that they are children. They don't make the rules, they are expected to contribute and help, that their opinions are welcomed, but are not law, you are the adult.
With my older kids, sometimes a heart to heart ends up in a screaming match and then crying, but usually we get through to each other. Respect is two ways. Right now she might not respect your husband, but she needs to tolerate, and she should respect your right to try and make your marriage work.
Things take time, maybe he needs to leave the disipline to you for a while. Let them just cordialy exist together for a while. Remind her, that she does not have to love or even like him, but she must at least be civil and polite, let the rest happen naturally.
While I love and respect my children, and I ask their opinions often. They understand this house is not a Democracy, they get some input, but ultimately I make the rules. Teenagers are not capable of running their parents lives, no matter how much they want to, or think they can.
Just remember, to teenagers, we where born old, we are stupid, we don't understand, and our sole purpose in life is to ruin their fun. As they get older, it is amazing, we seem to get smarter in their eyes.
My Mom always told me to take care of my Marriage first, because if I'm not happy, it is harder to be a good parent.
This may sound mean but focus on your marriage, if and when she is ready, your daughter will come around.
Love Jeannie
-- Edited by Jeannie at 11:23, 2005-11-13
rosie light shines said
Nov 13, 2005
hey chrissy, jeannie is so right!!! alateen is the GR8test thing!!!!!! i know she gives a shit about you, this is hard for her.......a kid growing up in dysfuctional family with A father and mom struggling to cope on the alanon board.....the kid needs understanding and support....and ALATEEN......heres hoping that she can get in there.....i am so sorry all this is spilling out onto you and her....its sucks.......ttyl/ rosie
kismetstrand said
Nov 13, 2005
One thing I try and teach my children (ages 14 to 23) is that, no matter what anyone else is doing, that is no excuse/reason not to do your best yourself. It is also no reason to disrespect others. My children have chores they are expected to do. If the A gets drunk, I still expect chores to be done. Life still goes on. I feel they need to learn this. When I was out of control, my kids were out of control. I went to counseling years back and the counselor told me "you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, you have to fix yourself first"... boy, was she right. I used to throw my hands up in the air and say "woe is me, my kids are so out of control, they talk back, they cuss, they won't do anything I say".... well the fault lay with me in that. I was not consistent with them, I did not take the time needed to be a consistent parent with them, I did not do my job with them. Now I have learned that I can do something about this and I take the time needed with these kids. I do not accept unacceptable behavior. Period. It is my job as their parent to teach and guide them. I'm working hard on that job of mine now. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm learning, and so are they. I made mistakes in the past, but I refuse to allow unacceptable behavior to continue out of guilt of the mistakes I made. I simply tell them, "yes, back then I made mistakes, I didn't know better but now I do. Now I'm doing my best, and you can too. I am not taking the guilt trip, so don't even try." It's working for me. It's starting to work for them. Life goes on...
kissers said
Nov 13, 2005
Hi Chrissy:
Whenever there is an addict in the house, the children will act out the anger in the house. She has learned not to have respect for you because your actions have shown her it's okay. Dwelling on this will make matters worse. Take care of yourself, set clear and reasonable boundaries, and see if you can get her into Alateen. Try the book, Boundary Power by O'Neil/Newbold. It is a workbook and can help you develop healthy boundaries. It also discusses what happens in a house with an addict and the roles everyone develops. You cannot control how your daughter feels or what she says because she has become as sick as everyone in the house. My prayers are with you and your daughter.
chuck didn't come back yet because of amanda.:( he said to give her a few days to get used to the idea of him being home again. i am so upset i really missed him even more last night. this really sucks. he is doing good though & he is still at his moms. i am so mad at amanda. but i know she is 13 and she has been through alot. but its seems like she could give a shit less about me . i told her stop running to your boyfriend & telling him everything because he is being childish and doesnt listen when i say please dont call . this is our private life & i dont want him to tell his family and she said well you tell your friends and the al-anon board. how could i have raised such an uncaring child to see her mom crying and not even care. i asked her to help clean & still nothing i am so mad i clean and she sabatoges it ,but says it was an accident.. she still hasn't done anything she was supposed to do last night. i took her cell phone away today & she is grounded i am not letting her go to cheerleading either. but i have a meeting at 12 and i really dont feel like going .if i dont go then she can't go on her trip. i am going i am just being a bitc*
i know let go let god :)
we ll i really needed to vent thanks for always being here for me
hugs chrissy
(((Chrissy))))
Does Amanda go to Alateen? My children have counseling in their schools that help them deal with my husbands alcoholism.
They too get angry at him, and want nothing to do with him. While I respect their opinions and feelings, they have to understand that he may be their father, but he is my husband. As someone else pointed out, they will eventually move out and get on with their own lives. You deserve a life as well.
Our children have been hurt as much as we have. Sometimes more, as they don't understand. They see the verbal abuse, the broken promises and the lies. To them this becoems a model for life. This is not the way they believe life is supposed to be, and it scares them. I know my own children see life as much calmer without my husband here. The drama is gone, and Mom doesn't cry as much, or I do it quietly in my room. I remind them that I love him, I remind them that I miss him. With my older kids I take it as a chance to remind them that I wsn't born a Mom, that I am a person and a person in love. That I have the same needs that they do for companionship and affection, that can only be met by my partner. As most of them are in relationships, they can see this.
When you love someone, it isn't easy to throw them away. We want to forgive, we want to try and start fresh. Don't preach to her, but try talking to her woman to woman, let her see younot as just Mom, but as your husbands Wife, who loves him. Let her see you as a person in love. Try putting it on a level she can understand. Be honset and don't worry about being vulnerable.
Her relationship with your husband is hers, it might never heal totally. Then again, something new may come out of it. Maybe he should try and talk to her, honestly and openly with no demands.
Sometimes we need to remind the children that they are children. They don't make the rules, they are expected to contribute and help, that their opinions are welcomed, but are not law, you are the adult.
With my older kids, sometimes a heart to heart ends up in a screaming match and then crying, but usually we get through to each other. Respect is two ways. Right now she might not respect your husband, but she needs to tolerate, and she should respect your right to try and make your marriage work.
Things take time, maybe he needs to leave the disipline to you for a while. Let them just cordialy exist together for a while. Remind her, that she does not have to love or even like him, but she must at least be civil and polite, let the rest happen naturally.
While I love and respect my children, and I ask their opinions often. They understand this house is not a Democracy, they get some input, but ultimately I make the rules. Teenagers are not capable of running their parents lives, no matter how much they want to, or think they can.
Just remember, to teenagers, we where born old, we are stupid, we don't understand, and our sole purpose in life is to ruin their fun. As they get older, it is amazing, we seem to get smarter in their eyes.
My Mom always told me to take care of my Marriage first, because if I'm not happy, it is harder to be a good parent.
This may sound mean but focus on your marriage, if and when she is ready, your daughter will come around.
Love Jeannie
-- Edited by Jeannie at 11:23, 2005-11-13
Hi Chrissy:
Whenever there is an addict in the house, the children will act out the anger in the house. She has learned not to have respect for you because your actions have shown her it's okay. Dwelling on this will make matters worse. Take care of yourself, set clear and reasonable boundaries, and see if you can get her into Alateen. Try the book, Boundary Power by O'Neil/Newbold. It is a workbook and can help you develop healthy boundaries. It also discusses what happens in a house with an addict and the roles everyone develops. You cannot control how your daughter feels or what she says because she has become as sick as everyone in the house. My prayers are with you and your daughter.
Hugs,
Lisa