Well, while my alcoholic husband was/is up at his usual watering hole today, his mother stopped by to pick up some fundraiser items she ordered from our boys.  The topic switched and I felt my mouth utter .." What can I do to stop him from going to the bar?"  She must have thought I was just making a comment in jest or something, because she just said "oh, boy.. I don't know!"  It didn't take long for her to realize how SERIOUS I was.. I have been wanting to 'air it out' to her for awhile now, let her know EXACTLY how her son is, his daily 'to do list' (bartime) and my worries.. well, it happened all this afternoon.  As all this was rushing out of my mouth... I was feeling oddly sick to my stomach.  I mean, I had a fleeting thought that I was going go keel over or worse.  I got through it though.  My dear one has been out in the bar the last 6 days & nights, as he is today.  I heard a comment from my 7 year old last night to his dad.. he said, "Can we sit on the couch together and watch TV like a father and son do?"  My heart dropped.  I have no idea where his little head came up with this but it was like a dagger to me.  Well, his 'wonderful' dad.. sat there for all of 20 minutes or so, and grabbed his keys, taking off to his beloved bar.  HOW ON EARTH CAN ONE MAN NOT GET IT??  I MEAN, HIS 7 YEAR OLD SON IS BASICALLY BEGGING HIM TO SIT WITH HIM AND NOT TAKE OFF.. TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT HE IS HIS SON AND WANTS A LITTLE OF HIS TIME???!!  Amazing to me that one person can be SOOOO SELFISH.  I mean, I'm used to him 'abandoning' me but I see that now even his two boys don't even have a pull on his heartstrings (what heart??).. 

I don't know where this will lead.  I have a feeling this is the beginning of the end.  I wish with all my heart that this 'talk' his father will be doing will shake him into a realization of what his problem(s) are, but I can't see it happening.  I don't know at this point if my alcoholic has a BOTTOM to reach.  I just see him endlessly falling..  he needs to face himself and want professional help.. I just can't imagine him getting to that point.. ever.

I just don't want us to take this long forever dark & deep plunge with him anymore.  The ride has been bumpy enough and never the same .. tired of the rollercoaster effect. 

I've never quite met anyone like my alcoholic before and I never in a million years thought I'd be in this kind of position.. living with someone so selfish and so uncaring.  How do you get through it.. How do you go on and actually leave the alcoholic behind since there's nothing you can do to CHANGE HIM & he obviously is oblivious to his 'problem(s)'?? .. I have no idea.. my brain is numb just thinking.. 

{{{{{{{Donna}}}}}}}}

I get through it by going to alanon meetings, face to face and online here.  Also reading, posting and responding on the board helps me. 

Alanon has taught me that doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result is insane.   By trying to work the program and getting better myself.  I've learned new ways of dealing with things, news ways of coping, new ways of thinking.

It's hard to understand at first but if you try it for awhile it will probably help you as well.  In a short time it has helped me immensly. 

My wife is the a in my life and I have 3 kids so I totally understand the frustrations of dealing w/ the disease.  I've also come to learn that the way I deal w/ the disease has affected the kids as well.  I hope as I get better, I'll be a more positive and healthy role model and teacher.

Bob

Hi,

I am in the process of finding an al-anon group near my hometown.  I need the support and I'm just grateful that I found this online chat group or I wouldn't have known what to do.  I've been knowing something was wrong for so many years, but helps to confirm it in my head by being in this chat group that I live with an alcoholic.  I just wonder .. why oh why if we all have gotten so dumped on by the a's in our lives and the disease, why can't we just walk away from it all-- or better yet... RUN FOR OUR OWN LIVES..  As selfish as that sounds, I just can't understand why I sit here at 2:00 a.m. or later waiting for my A to walk in the door after being out for more than 13 hours at the bar.. day after day after day.  Why do I continue to make MYSELF miserable by repeating the same patterns.. I've tried them all to no avail..  but to stay up waaaaay past my 'healthy bedtime' just to see what time he rolls into the house.. and how wasted he is when he gets here.. is beyond me.  I deserve better than this and I feel like kicking my own butt for continuing to play this sick game of his.   Not knowing anything more about Al-anon, (yet), I pray those issues are addressed.  I feel obsessed with this.. I should lock the door, turn off the lights and go to sleep.. but I don't.. WHY AM I PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH THIS?  I don't understand it.. logic says... MOVE ON... AVOID THE HURT AND FRUSTRATION..THERE'S A BETTER FUTURE.. STOP MAKING YOURSELF A PUNCHING BAG..  but do I do it?  HECK NO.. I sit here and make myself ill or get so angry.. or rush to the window in the dark to see who is bringing my A home.. what time.. etc.  I'm just as SICK as he is! ughhhh

Well, why ARE you sitting there? Go to bed. I know that sounds so heartless, like I don't understand, but the reality is - we cannot change the alcoholic, we can only change ourselves. We can allow ourselves to be dragged down into their sickness with them, or we can get better. Your husband is not sitting down and spending time with your son - are you? Your husband is not doing fun things with you - are you going out and doing them anyway? The alcoholic will not notice how unhappy you are and stop drinking out of guilt - that is not how this works. If he does notice at all, (and he might not) the only thing the guilt will do to him is make him want to drink more, so he doesn't have to feel it. I used to do crazy things, things that hurt me much more than they hurt him, in order to get him to stop drinking. They had NO effect at all. All the nagging, all my unhappiness, none of it even stopped one beer, so far as I can tell. There is nothign you can to for him, but there is plenty you can do for yourself. You're in the right place to start getting your life back, welcome.

(((((Donna))))

Hi Donna and welcome,

All the talking in the world will not get through until he is ready to hear it. His idea of normal and yours are probably not the same. As far as not being able to see his bottom, it is not yours to see. What we perceive as low as it can get, may not be it for the alcoholic. They have to find their own bottom, wherever and whatever, if evr it may be.

While your husband is missing out on quality time with your son, you don't have to. But remember that does not mean picking up the slack for him. We want to protect our children from this disease but we can't. We can only protect them from the danger of it and love them.

You cannot stop your husband from drinking, no one but he can. You also cannot cause him to drink more. That doesn't mean he will not use anythng you do as an excuse to drink more, but it is still not your fault.

You can set up boundaries of what you are prepared to do and to live with. If you want to lock up the house at a certain time, you can do so. You can lock the doors, and if or how he gets in will be up to him. You have controll over your actions, no one elses.

My husband was draining our bank accounts in the bar and the bowling ally. He was cashing his paycheck at the bar, and most of it was not leaving the bar. I did tell him that we could not afford his spending money at the bar. I gave him a choice and meant it. The bar or this family. That did not work, he ended up at the bar no matter what. He had so many "great friends" there, especially on pay day. I took care of it a different way. I picked up his paycheck in the afternoon and made sure there was very little money available to him. Since he wasn't buying as often, most of these "great friends", disapeared to someone who bought more drinks for them. That he did see, and stopped spending as much time in the bar.  But he drank, more here at home. When I put my foot down about that, he moved it to his car, then his parents house. No matter what he drank.

The only thing you can control is what you will accept. You have to take care of yourself and your children, the rest is up to him.

Keep coming here, keep reading,kerep posting. Try and get to local meetings. Alanon works if you work it. You will feel better about you (most of the time).

                                       Love Jeannie

Thank you. 

 I struggle with these little nagging thoughts of "if I do this" or "if I don't do that" or "say this or that", things will be different and he will change.. though deep in my heart, I KNOW the change is up to him and him only.  I guess in my head, I go round & round searching for answers as to 'why'.. and I may never know the answers to that.  I did wait up Sat. evening for him to get home from his night out at the bar .. but I had a VERY LONG wait.. It was 5 in the morning before he ambled in.. and yes, as I was laying there fuming and angry all those hours, I was angry at myself, too.. why ON EARTH am I choosing to lose sleep and stress myself so much more by waiting for him to 'show up' at home??? duhhh  I called twice to his cell phone, and sent one text message and all to no avail, which angered  & hurt me even more..  though I should know by now that that's the norm.. it happens all the time like this.  I have to come to grips that yes, HE has the disease.. and HE is the only one who can make the first step to helping himself.  I don't have a role to play in it.  I do, however, have to keep myself sane, enjoy MY LIFE and play a big part in my two boys' lives, even if their dad isn't there for it most of the time.  I am afraid for how my A's choices will effect them in the future.  I, by no means, want to see them "living" in the bar or comforting themselves with alcohol or drugs.  I did, once more, 'discuss' my views with my A when when I met him at the door  at 5 that morning..  He did inform me that he is 'a star/a celebrity' when he does up to the bar.. he gets all this attention that he craves (and didn't get in his own family when growing up).. he finds 'self-confidence' with alcohol.  Yes, I know that.  What I tried my best to tell him was that while he is the star to all these bar-buddies at the bar, he is LOSING his family.  All those bar buddies eventually go home and the 'show is over'.. but WE are here all the time and WE'RE the ones who count, not them.  I feel like I am living with an 'entertainer' and yes, he is THE GOOD GUY in that bar.. and the one who gets all the ATTENTION.. he's POPULAR up there.. and there are no bad things that he has to deal with .. nothing of reality.  He has made a little world of his own.. a world that's very comfortable for him, where he's confident and where he's the good guy all the time and a 'star' .. It's such a shame to me to know that he's so empty inside (and I believe that stems from his growing up years before I met him) that he has to FILL himself with this 'dream life' of his.  I know that I have to put my own BOUNDARIES up and not 'expect' anything of him.. and if I can't deal with the way it is, I need to gather my sons and find a place where I can drop this load off me.. stop expecting change to happen.. stop wasting my time and my emotions on something I cannot change.. and pray that one day, he gets his wake up call.  I need to STOP letting his selfish choices come back and control my emotions, my feelings.   I'm SICK OF REACTING.. I guess it might come down to me & the boys leaving him and starting fresh.  When I think of that, I get a sigh of relief.. though I feel like I'm walking away from a man sinking in quicksand--thing is, for all the ropes I've thrown to him, he doesn't want to grab them to save his own life and meanwhile I risk being pulled down in with him.  So, I must go on to save myself & my kids... make our own lives bright and worthwhile..  with or without my spouse.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I am ready to put up my fences and stop agonizing over his choices.  I want to walk in joy, enjoy and love my own life & influence my children's lives positively.  God bless.

 

Donna - I was at an Al-Anon rally a couple of years ago, and they had an AA speaker - a woman with over 15 years of sobriety.  She shared her story, of how when her two little ones were about 5 and 3, she would leave them to go to the bar - so bad to the point that her precious little 5 year old had learned the bar phone number, and begged & pleaded with her mommy to come home....  Of course, most times, it didn't work, as (in their disease), an active alcoholic will most often choose their addiction over everything AND anyone..... This includes kids, spouses, work, etc....

What your hubby is doing is typical of active alcoholism....  Not that it helps your situation, but rest assured that he is very sick....  He may or may not choose to get help, and it will likely be on his time period, and not yours...

All you can do, is get yourself healthy, so that you can be there for your kids....  Your kids need ONE healthy parent right now, who can reassure them that they are loved, and that they are safe.... 

I wish you well

Tom