my husband is suppose to be moving back today he is coming after his appointment at 3 pm. now i have had serveral talks with my daughter & so has her real father & she was fine with him coming home . she is fine when she gets everything she wants or when she spends time with her boyfriend thats fine she never helps when i ask her too its always i dont feel good what about me what about my feelings dont i count. i am so sick and tired of hurting i just want to be happy. is that too much to ask . but now 3 hours to go when chuck is coming home she tells me she doesnt want him back & she hates him he has never hurt us or threatened in any way. she is not afraid, i said are you sure he never hurt you she said no. but she said what happens when he does this again. i said then it's over i do love him but i will not put up with his dissapearing acts any more. now what do i do. today was suppose to be a happy day but here i am crying
chrissy
kissers said
Nov 12, 2005
By setting boundaries with him and acting on those boundaries, you will have a chance to teach your daughter self-respect. Make sure you stick to your guns. You are her teacher of how she will allow men to treat her. Show her a mom that loves herself. You are not alone...ask for God's/Hp's help.
nikkilou said
Nov 12, 2005
Crissy,
I'm happy for you he is coming home. I know you really want to be with him. But ask yourself He has never hurt you or your daughter. It does not have to be by his hands. He may be hurting your daughter by not respecting you. You are her mother.
Best of luck to day we are with you as always keep us posted.
Your friend NIKKILOU
Christy said
Nov 12, 2005
((chrissy))
It sounds to me that your daughter is using manipulation tactics (my opinion only).
Does she get away with more when he isn't there? Allowed to see her boyfriend more?
Does your A make her help around the house? How does she benefit from him being gone?
Ya know, this came up the other night, and I was reminded of when my daughter was having a problem with my husband (he's her stepdad too).
I reminded her (and myself) that in a few short years she would be gone and I would be with my husband for a lifetime.
I validated her feelings, but what I did was MY decision, not hers. If I dissolved my marriage and chose to live my life alone, it was going to be MY call, not hers.
Just my .02 cents
Christy
chrissy said
Nov 12, 2005
thank you i am better now i was so crazy when i posted
just neede to vent
and i have you guys who are always there for me & are wonderful
hugs chrissy
gknee said
Nov 12, 2005
{{{Chrissy}}
sorry this is making you feel so conflicted. Your daughter has her own feelings here and she is not you. Just like your A is not you either. None of us see our situations quite the same or come to the same conclusions. Time will tell whether your A's return is a good move for you. Trust yourself. trust your HP. Love your daughter but realize that she has been through a lot too.
good luck with the homecoming-
Jeanne
Diva said
Nov 12, 2005
Chrissy...Sounds to me like you need to set some boundaries with your daughter. Maybe I am not up-to-date, but I believe there is certain behavior, and there are certain words we, as parents, just should not tolerate. When we do not tolerate them early, they usually don't come up to bite us later. The parent needs to be in control...not the kid. This manipulation she has going needs to stop. You have made the decision to allow your A to come home, and that's that. I don't mean to sound harsh Chrissy. I want you to be happy every bit as much as you want happiness for yourself. Get this little gal in line!! And much good luck to you for a new start with A.
With every good wish, Diva
chrissy said
Nov 12, 2005
you are so right. she walks all over me and has really taken advantage since my husband is gone she wanted something last week and i didnt have they money she said that sucks because he screwed up i can't have this. i forgot what it was but it wasnt something she needed. what ever is needed a necessity i find a way for her. she has a cell phone that chuck pays for not her dad my ex gives me child support and thats it my husband pays for everything and he even told her you give your mother & i respectand i wil give you the world. i am tired of being hurt & i am going to make changes for the both of them to deal with. hugs chrissy
canadianguy said
Nov 12, 2005
She sounds like she is in a different place in her acceptance and recovery than you are Chrissy - that's all.... She likely doesn't "believe you" when you say that if he does this "one more time" that it will be "over".... and who can really blame her....
I am not judging you whatsover.... God knows that I did the same with my ex umpteen times before it finally DID come to an end of the marriage - but your daughter is likely seeing all the hurt and turmoil, and isn't willing to deal with that again.... whereas you are saying you are willing to give it one last college try...
Always a tough choice..... but you need to do what you need to do...
Take care
Tom
kitty said
Nov 12, 2005
hmmm... I know u sd u feel better.
Speaking from a child of an ADHD OCD ACOA --> children (even adults ones) want love, validation & recognition from our parents.
Girls relate more to their mothers; boys relate more to their fathers.
I am going to speak as gently & kindly & clearly as possible... as parents your behaviour is what is "modeled" to your children. Also teenagers need "emotional stroking" (they need u to sit them down & say what happened today? & how did that make u feel? & what did u do about it? & give any advice or better ways to handle it &/or simply validation -- until they are 18 years old -- that's how confusing the hormones are).
I agree, you need your own boundaries for yourself, for your husband & for your daughter. You certainly want to nip the subtle & insidious passive agressive manipulation in the bud.
love, -K
abbyal said
Nov 12, 2005
Chrissy what u do is enjoy your day, your daughter will be ok . remember she is a teenager and she too has been affected by this disease he dosen't have to touch her to hurt her , she has seen her mom hurt over and over again and just dosent trust that it will be okay. She needs to see that your happy work your program lots of meetings and a good sponsor. If you keep the focus on you regardless of what he does you will be okay.
Give your daughter a big hug me thinks she needs one to know that it will be ok. Louise
nycbt said
Nov 14, 2005
It good that you posted your feelings so alot of people can see what you are going through so they can help you. Keep posting. I can understand your thing about disappering my husband also does that as you know.
my husband is suppose to be moving back today he is coming after his appointment at 3 pm. now i have had serveral talks with my daughter & so has her real father & she was fine with him coming home . she is fine when she gets everything she wants or when she spends time with her boyfriend thats fine she never helps when i ask her too its always i dont feel good what about me what about my feelings dont i count. i am so sick and tired of hurting i just want to be happy. is that too much to ask . but now 3 hours to go when chuck is coming home she tells me she doesnt want him back & she hates him he has never hurt us or threatened in any way. she is not afraid, i said are you sure he never hurt you she said no. but she said what happens when he does this again. i said then it's over i do love him but i will not put up with his dissapearing acts any more. now what do i do. today was suppose to be a happy day but here i am crying
chrissy
By setting boundaries with him and acting on those boundaries, you will have a chance to teach your daughter self-respect. Make sure you stick to your guns. You are her teacher of how she will allow men to treat her. Show her a mom that loves herself. You are not alone...ask for God's/Hp's help.
Crissy,
I'm happy for you he is coming home. I know you really want to be with him. But ask yourself He has never hurt you or your daughter. It does not have to be by his hands. He may be hurting your daughter by not respecting you. You are her mother.
Best of luck to day we are with you as always keep us posted.
Your friend NIKKILOU
thank you i am better now i was so crazy when i posted
just neede to vent
and i have you guys who are always there for me & are wonderful
hugs chrissy
hugs chrissy
She sounds like she is in a different place in her acceptance and recovery than you are Chrissy - that's all.... She likely doesn't "believe you" when you say that if he does this "one more time" that it will be "over".... and who can really blame her....
I am not judging you whatsover.... God knows that I did the same with my ex umpteen times before it finally DID come to an end of the marriage - but your daughter is likely seeing all the hurt and turmoil, and isn't willing to deal with that again.... whereas you are saying you are willing to give it one last college try...
Always a tough choice..... but you need to do what you need to do...
Take care
Tom
hmmm... I know u sd u feel better.
Speaking from a child of an ADHD OCD ACOA --> children (even adults ones) want love, validation & recognition from our parents.
Girls relate more to their mothers; boys relate more to their fathers.
I am going to speak as gently & kindly & clearly as possible... as parents your behaviour is what is "modeled" to your children. Also teenagers need "emotional stroking" (they need u to sit them down & say what happened today? & how did that make u feel? & what did u do about it? & give any advice or better ways to handle it &/or simply validation -- until they are 18 years old -- that's how confusing the hormones are).
I agree, you need your own boundaries for yourself, for your husband & for your daughter. You certainly want to nip the subtle & insidious passive agressive manipulation in the bud.
love, -K
Chrissy what u do is enjoy your day, your daughter will be ok . remember she is a teenager and she too has been affected by this disease he dosen't have to touch her to hurt her , she has seen her mom hurt over and over again and just dosent trust that it will be okay. She needs to see that your happy work your program lots of meetings and a good sponsor. If you keep the focus on you regardless of what he does you will be okay.
Give your daughter a big hug me thinks she needs one to know that it will be ok. Louise
It good that you posted your feelings so alot of people can see what you are going through so they can help you. Keep posting. I can understand your thing about disappering my husband also does that as you know.