Some of you know that I was anxious about the appointment I had with my wife’s addiction therapist and her. She was feeling pretty bold because the last visit he told her that I was controlling and my daughters therapist told her that me not giving her money is abusive and grounds for divorce.
Well for starters, he was very good at letting me finish and hear my side. He asked me what I thought the first problem was. I told him the immediate problem was alcohol but that even if she stopped drinking there were other underlying issues.
There was back and forth with us on booze and bills. There was also some voicing of the harms my wife has felt I do to her. I saw where this therapist is operating. He is not trying to tell her that she has a problem because I think he knows that will backfire. He is trying to lead her down the path of self realization so that she will actually want help.
At certain points he told her it would be in her best interest if she could abstain, even if for a period of time. So we could take alcohol off the table as one of the issues. He asked her if she would stop drinking if I added her to the account. Her answer varied from sure to I deserver a box of wine every two weeks. He asked her if she thought she was an alcoholic. When she said no, he said there should be no problem stopping. My a tried to say that a lot of times when I think she is drunk it’s because she is taking Ambien and 4-5 Tylenol PM to go to sleep. He reiterated that she should not be drinking on that medication. He asked her to talk to her psychiatrist about her drinking on these medications.
I mentioned that I called the psychiatrist and told him about her drinking and he said she did not realize she was drinking and that she should not drink on those meds and he thanked me for calling and said I did the right thing.
In the end, my a was very ticked off because she anticipated him to tell me I had to put her on the account or give her money. He didn’t and instead focused on her stopping drinking. He wants us to see credit counseling for doing a budget together again. And I’m supposed to go to the next meeting.
I also brought up that she ridiculed me for going to alanon meetings saying that all we did was b**tch about our a’s. That gave me an idea on the spot about inviting her to an open meeting. She didn’t answer but the therapist told her that alanon meetings are good, there should be no reason for her to be upset w/ me going and maybe she might like to go to a meeting and see what they were about.
Also where the program and my HP were able to help was that I was able to give specific examples of behavior I have had that was unhealthy. I was able to show where they may have come from in my past and have the realization that I need to try to change them. I feel as if the thought I’ve been putting into this was really able to show through. I could show that I at least know I had a part in the disease, even if I didn’t know what all the parts where yet.
I really have my HP and all of my alanon friends to thank. It’s funny how it all works. How the topics and shares were just what I needed to guide me through and to this.
Thank all of you !
jrtjosey said
Nov 12, 2005
HANG TOUGH
JOSEY
Christy said
Nov 12, 2005
(((bump)))
Sounds like it worked out pretty well :)
And don't those light bulb moments feel good? I know what ya mean about HP and his Alanon Angels being the guides. They've both been just awesome.
I finally feel it, instead of going through the motions and struggling so much. Lord knows I have a long path to walk, but the path isn't quite so mucky.
Love ya
Christy
(Cjo)
gknee said
Nov 12, 2005
I had a similair situation with our marriage counsellor. He set up an "experiment" where my husband and I agreed on some limited substance use. Guess what. My A couldn't even abide by the boundary we agreed upon. I was so angry--BUT it also opened my A's eyes to his powerlessness over his use. So he's back on the wagon with a little more knowledge under his belt.
I believe my HP is working thru our therapist. I hope the same for you. It is hard to trust them--
we have a hard time trusting anyone after what we go thru with our A's.
take care,
Jeanne
canadianguy said
Nov 12, 2005
Bob - oh how your post brought back memories for me - mostly bad and sad ones.... Going to counselling, no matter how good the counselor is - when your A is active, is soooooo frustrating.....
You sound like you are doing well, and are doing the good things that YOU need to do, for your sanity....
Some of you know that I was anxious about the appointment I had with my wife’s addiction therapist and her. She was feeling pretty bold because the last visit he told her that I was controlling and my daughters therapist told her that me not giving her money is abusive and grounds for divorce.
Well for starters, he was very good at letting me finish and hear my side. He asked me what I thought the first problem was. I told him the immediate problem was alcohol but that even if she stopped drinking there were other underlying issues.
There was back and forth with us on booze and bills. There was also some voicing of the harms my wife has felt I do to her. I saw where this therapist is operating. He is not trying to tell her that she has a problem because I think he knows that will backfire. He is trying to lead her down the path of self realization so that she will actually want help.
At certain points he told her it would be in her best interest if she could abstain, even if for a period of time. So we could take alcohol off the table as one of the issues. He asked her if she would stop drinking if I added her to the account. Her answer varied from sure to I deserver a box of wine every two weeks. He asked her if she thought she was an alcoholic. When she said no, he said there should be no problem stopping. My a tried to say that a lot of times when I think she is drunk it’s because she is taking Ambien and 4-5 Tylenol PM to go to sleep. He reiterated that she should not be drinking on that medication. He asked her to talk to her psychiatrist about her drinking on these medications.
I mentioned that I called the psychiatrist and told him about her drinking and he said she did not realize she was drinking and that she should not drink on those meds and he thanked me for calling and said I did the right thing.
In the end, my a was very ticked off because she anticipated him to tell me I had to put her on the account or give her money. He didn’t and instead focused on her stopping drinking. He wants us to see credit counseling for doing a budget together again. And I’m supposed to go to the next meeting.
I also brought up that she ridiculed me for going to alanon meetings saying that all we did was b**tch about our a’s. That gave me an idea on the spot about inviting her to an open meeting. She didn’t answer but the therapist told her that alanon meetings are good, there should be no reason for her to be upset w/ me going and maybe she might like to go to a meeting and see what they were about.
Also where the program and my HP were able to help was that I was able to give specific examples of behavior I have had that was unhealthy. I was able to show where they may have come from in my past and have the realization that I need to try to change them. I feel as if the thought I’ve been putting into this was really able to show through. I could show that I at least know I had a part in the disease, even if I didn’t know what all the parts where yet.
I really have my HP and all of my alanon friends to thank. It’s funny how it all works. How the topics and shares were just what I needed to guide me through and to this.
Thank all of you !
HANG TOUGH
JOSEY
Bob - oh how your post brought back memories for me - mostly bad and sad ones.... Going to counselling, no matter how good the counselor is - when your A is active, is soooooo frustrating.....
You sound like you are doing well, and are doing the good things that YOU need to do, for your sanity....
Take care
Tom