Ok...Like a lil while I just did a post and I looked back onto the board and it is not there...Now i am pissed because it was a good one..and I didn't save it,and  don't know what happened to it...

I am like crying right now because I am soo frustrated...I just can't take it anymore...It is just everything now...I cannot do anything right,and when I try to it always fails

Nobody understands me...I don't even understand myself myself...I am sooo sad...I like want to change everything around me,but it is me that needs changing,but I am such a brat that I don't think I need it...I know I do because I can't be feeling like this...

I cut myself,pull my hair out,run till I pass out...and soo on...I try to punish myself in some way for not being who i wanted to be and who I should be...

*crying* I am just confused..and tired of being a trooper

Hi Lauren,

You're not stupid, just punishing yourself when you should be congradulating yourself for making it thru the things you have. I know that probably sounds crazy right now, but you know what girlfriend? I'm 47, and I've been thru a lot too and I don't handle it well and I'm supposed to be a grown woman. And for your age, 17 , I think you are doing well that you're not completely wacky for all you've been thru.

You write poetry and join in the chatroom and joke, and that's gotta be a good outlet, the poetry, I used to write it myself at your age and I hadn't been thru near what you have!

I think you're trying to get all the crummy stuff that is built up inside out of yourself by punishing yourself. I wish you could find that hitting a pillow or something outside of yourself would help just as much to get rid of all the junk that's been told to you. Relearning how to talk to myself has been , or is very hard for me, my tapes seem to override everything else I'm consciencly trying to tell myself. Once I took a baseball bat to a telephone pole and beat it and beat it until I was worn out from hitting it, but I felt better inside! I had lost a boyfriend in my teens. Was dumped. and hurt.

But kiddo, we all luv ya in the room, you're great to talk to and crazy funny like the rest of us! I definitly don't think anyone would call you a stupid person at all. Just a much hurt person who needs a lot of TLC like the rest of us.

I think you should keep writing and venting on this board and going to  counseling and trying to be honest and try beating a pillow or hitting tennis balls or something physical to get the pain out of yourself, and be more gentle to my friend Lauren Ashley, cuz I like her a lot!

Luv ya kiddo,

Jonibaloni21

Lauren, you are not stupid! Who is it you want to be??? If there is something you want to change within you then change it!!! You have the power!!! You are like no one else on this earth. That is what makes you, you! Love and honor yourself. Be proud of who you are. You have a gift to share with the world, so stop beating yourself up. The world is waiting for you. You are a survivor, not a victim anymore! They tried to destroy you, but you were too strong!!! You don't see the power you have yet, but you will.

((Lauren)) "I cut myself,pull my hair out,run till I pass out...and soo on...I try to punish myself in some way for not being who i wanted to be and who I should be" Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable.. For me, this step not only pertains to alcohol, but to all the not so great things that have happened in my llife. I am not only powerless over alcohol, but also powerless over any sick people that formed my past and ultimately who I came to be.. The way I see it, the "unmamagabele" part is my reaction to all the sick actions of others. That, I have the power to change!! It can only be done by working the steps. You have the power to change it too kiddo. Once I understood that my reactions were ages old, caused by.. in some cases people that weren't even in my life anymore, I got mad. Real mad!! I was STILL reacting to their sickness 20/30/40/ yrs later by having sick reactions. Once that lightbulb went on, I thought OH, HELL NO!! Ain't happenin!!! Only then could I work on myself and those old reactions. After the lightbulb moment, my behavior began to change. I fought hard not to give those people one more ounce of my power. In my case, some of the people are dead and gone or have moved on and I was still giving them power. Ya think they care? lol The bottom line is, when you hurt yourself, you are giving them power, allowing those people to continue to hurt you over and over. Now doesn't that just piss you right on off?? Take that power back!!!!!! Love ya, Christy

when I was depressed -- I didn't want to do anything that would make me feel better or that was good for me.

Hang in there - I do know ONE THING -- u may not *see* your own value right now but other's do & God loves us more than we know how to love ourselves.

I love you too, -K

(((((((Lauren))))))))) Being a teen is extremely tough in this day and age all in itself, adding alcoholism to the equation makes a recipe for disaster......but you dont have to put it in the oven. All of us here care about you, and so does your Higher Power. I had a rough time at your age too, I felt as if I couldn't do anything right, the walls were "closing in around me." In spite of all of the pain, anger, sorrow, ect that everyone goes through in life, there is so much more to experience, joy, love, and peace. You are not alone in any of this, remember that. No matter what we are always here to listen, all you have to do is ask. I will keep you in my prayers. buzzfree

-- Edited by buzzfree at 18:40, 2005-11-12

aww ty all I love you

 

Lauren~