I now have my A son living with me. I have an in-law apt. next to my home for guest and he is staying there. He is in an intensive outpatient program now which he goes to for 3 hours a day...4 days a week. He really likes it. My problem of course, is me. I want to constantly talk to him about reconciling with his family. I think that right now he is just concentrating on his recovery. I keep wanting answers from him regarding the future. He is really getting irritated with me badgering him all the time. I think I am trying to help him but it is really for my sanity. I need to stop all this. He needs time to get things straight in his own head. Maybe he will choose not to reconcile with his wife. That would be so hard for me to accept but I know I must. I keep saying the serenity prayer and I am now seeing that what I am doing is destructive to both of us. I am happy that I finally am seeing that. I just have to let go.
Thanks...Gail
leo said
Nov 11, 2005
Hi Gail,
It is so hard to switch off when you are a Mum. My kids 20 and 17 are constantly telling me what a control freak I am. For now just thank HP that your son is close to you and safe. Don't be too hard on yourself I am sure you are a great mother. Luv Leo xx
Maria123 said
Nov 11, 2005
(((((((((Gail)))))))))),
First of all welcome to MIP. You are in the right place. Come here to vent or share your frustration, your controlling with us -- we who understand -- and are working at these things also.
If you are one that likes interaction, here's the link:
I have have almost grown sons also, not A's -- thank God, however boys that do not want their Mom living vicariously through them. When they are little, we can form them. They allow that. When they get older, they absolutely do not like that at all. One of my sons was invited to be inducted into the Honor Society. I was thrilled to say the least. He was not. He could care less. I told him, he really need to reconsider this that it would look wonderful on his college applications, yada, yada, yada. After two weeks of my "suggesting" and letting go depending on the day (ha ha), he finally said to me in complete frustration "Mom, I am not joining, I don't want to be a part of that. I don't need a symbol to tell me that I am smart. I already know that!" WOW, he was so right and if I had pushed him and he agreed to join and had to do all the activities involved, he would have been sooooooooooo angry and resentful of my "making him." I hope this story helps. Keep detaching and you will feel the success. Your son won't end up alienating you. Take care of you. Get involved in Al Anon. Get involved with your friends, your life and let him be to work his recovery. He will need the help from AA members who understand like no one else does what he is going through
Again, welcome, and keep coming,
Maria123
canadianguy said
Nov 11, 2005
This sounds beyond you simply needing to "let go", although you are right - that is a big part of it.... You need recovery for yourself, through Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.... Our Step 1 reminds us we are powerless over others - and that includes being powerless over when (and even if) your son chooses sobriety, making amends, etc., etc...
Try turning the focus back onto you, and what YOU need to do to get healthy.... It is the only way...
Tom
danz123 said
Nov 11, 2005
Hi Gail,
Welcome to alanon. I can so relate to your circumstances. I have an alcoholic/addict son. I constantly have to tell myself to get off his back and get out of his way. He struggles every day and doesn't need me to remind him about what he should do and who he needs to make amends to. The best thing I can do is let go and let God and focus on my recovery.
Alanon will help you to focus your attention on you. There are many great tools we learn to use in the program. I hope you will consider attending a meeting if you have not already done so.
I know that being a mom is so hard especially when our children are hurting. So hard not to try to fix them and make them all better. Hope to see you in the chat room.
hugs,
danz
marmare said
Nov 11, 2005
You sound so much like me......I have had to learn not to interupt my HP plans. Letting things happen in their own time is hard. Take it slow and remember that things will happen when they are supposed to.
Hugs Mary
Emmie11 said
Nov 11, 2005
Gailey,
That is why there is such beauty in having a program of our own. Mine gives me something to occupy my obsessive mind and a way to keep the focus on me. What is totally incredible is how many things work themselves out without the benefit of my help and how minding my business instead of pressing my pesky questions, opinions, and expectations on others allows them to fourish in a way they could not with the laser beam of my focus on them.
Hi Gail,
It is so hard to switch off when you are a Mum. My kids 20 and 17 are constantly telling me what a control freak I am. For now just thank HP that your son is close to you and safe. Don't be too hard on yourself I am sure you are a great mother. Luv Leo xx
(((((((((Gail)))))))))),
First of all welcome to MIP. You are in the right place. Come here to vent or share your frustration, your controlling with us -- we who understand -- and are working at these things also.
If you are one that likes interaction, here's the link:
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
I have have almost grown sons also, not A's -- thank God, however boys that do not want their Mom living vicariously through them. When they are little, we can form them. They allow that. When they get older, they absolutely do not like that at all. One of my sons was invited to be inducted into the Honor Society. I was thrilled to say the least. He was not. He could care less. I told him, he really need to reconsider this that it would look wonderful on his college applications, yada, yada, yada. After two weeks of my "suggesting" and letting go depending on the day (ha ha), he finally said to me in complete frustration "Mom, I am not joining, I don't want to be a part of that. I don't need a symbol to tell me that I am smart. I already know that!" WOW, he was so right and if I had pushed him and he agreed to join and had to do all the activities involved, he would have been sooooooooooo angry and resentful of my "making him." I hope this story helps. Keep detaching and you will feel the success. Your son won't end up alienating you. Take care of you. Get involved in Al Anon. Get involved with your friends, your life and let him be to work his recovery. He will need the help from AA members who understand like no one else does what he is going through
Again, welcome, and keep coming,
Maria123
This sounds beyond you simply needing to "let go", although you are right - that is a big part of it.... You need recovery for yourself, through Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.... Our Step 1 reminds us we are powerless over others - and that includes being powerless over when (and even if) your son chooses sobriety, making amends, etc., etc...
Try turning the focus back onto you, and what YOU need to do to get healthy.... It is the only way...
Tom
Hi Gail,
Welcome to alanon. I can so relate to your circumstances. I have an alcoholic/addict son. I constantly have to tell myself to get off his back and get out of his way. He struggles every day and doesn't need me to remind him about what he should do and who he needs to make amends to. The best thing I can do is let go and let God and focus on my recovery.
Alanon will help you to focus your attention on you. There are many great tools we learn to use in the program. I hope you will consider attending a meeting if you have not already done so.
I know that being a mom is so hard especially when our children are hurting. So hard not to try to fix them and make them all better. Hope to see you in the chat room.
hugs,
danz
You sound so much like me......I have had to learn not to interupt my HP plans. Letting things happen in their own time is hard. Take it slow and remember that things will happen when they are supposed to.
Hugs Mary
Gailey,
That is why there is such beauty in having a program of our own. Mine gives me something to occupy my obsessive mind and a way to keep the focus on me. What is totally incredible is how many things work themselves out without the benefit of my help and how minding my business instead of pressing my pesky questions, opinions, and expectations on others allows them to fourish in a way they could not with the laser beam of my focus on them.
Hugs!
Emmie