I finally spoke with my daughter last night about when she would be moving out and about doing some chores until she does. There are lots of "ifs" in this, since she has no place to go until she has a job & some money. I told her I'd like to see her up looking for a job in the morning when I leave at 8:30, and not asleep when I leave and asleep when I come home. Keep us in your prayers, please?
captcodee said
Nov 11, 2005
((((waking up))))))))
Good Boundaries....
Keep up the good work! You are in my prayers, and so is your daughter!
Aron
Maria123 said
Nov 11, 2005
Waking,
Congratulations :) !!! When I do something like that for me, establishing a boundary, and have a modicum of expectation in a certain given situation, I no longer feel like a doormat.
Keep us posted and remember to keep your promise to yourself.
Maria123
leo said
Nov 11, 2005
Hi you are doing great. You do have the right to expect the chores done in the house. Your daughter is putting extra strain on you and you are not pressuring her by asking this small thing. It will give her a reason to get up everyday and take the focus off herself for a little while. Even if she doesn't look for a job today you have still achieved a boundary. Have a great day. Thinking of you. Luv Leo x
sandie123 said
Nov 11, 2005
Great job!
It's not easy setting up those boundries but they do feel good once they are in place!
Keep up the good work!
marmare said
Nov 11, 2005
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am having a problem with my 18 yr old gettting a job too!!! He is still attending school, finishing his high school at a Tech College, but he NEEDS a job. Let me know how your daughter is doing. Hang in there, boundaries are a good thing, they are healthy for you.
Hugs Mary
WakingUp said
Nov 12, 2005
Thank you, everyone. This is long. Read only if you have time for a book. We need all the prayers we can get. They say the alcoholic gets "stuck" at the age they started drinking. She started drinking at 14 and 14 is how she acts. She is now 35. (Good idea to set boundaries younger, eh?) This just sort of crept up on me, though. At 18, she wasn't attending school or working, so I set a deadline & asked her to move out. She moved in with her boyfriend & his family! Who was abusive! And she got pregnant! All her choices, but I really beat myself up over it, esp. the abusive part. A couple of year's later, she & my grandson moved in with her sister into her tiny little one room apartment. Her sister's abusive boyfriend was about to be released from prison. I became obsessed with what a bad situation this was and wanted to "help" my daughters (coulda used Al-Anon then) instead of allowing them the dignity of their own poor choices & consequences. We all started talking about renting a house together. I'd get to see my grandchildren more -- it would be good! & we'd all save money. (I've lived with my own poor choice & consequence for over 12 years now.) After a couple of years, my alcoholic daughter moved out to try her wings on her own. My other daughter & both of her children have disabilities, so we again found a (smaller) place together to share rent. I also wanted to help with the children. I still think this was a good idea. Over 6 years ago, my alcoholic daughter lost her apartment & asked to sleep on our couch until she could find another place. We agreed and she's been here ever since. I recognize my part in it, but I also have to say that she is tough to deal with! She said she was going to school. I thought 'Okay, I'd like to help give her a new start by offering a couch for a bit longer.' That school wasn't good, so she changed after a few semesters to another one. Then that one wasn't good either, and she changed again. That took several years. She also gets sick frequently (really sick) -- now I know that most of the illnesses are a result of her drinking, but still -- they are real illnesses. That has eaten up some more time when I didn't feel that I could throw her out. There were several boyfriend crises -- they eat up less time, but still there is a time extension on the couch. Then she got serious and got a job! Yay! Okay, here's my Al-Anon behavior at the time (where's that beet-red smiley when you need it?) I took over her finances. I was so determined that she save her money and finance her own next crisis and hopefully save enough to move out -- that I took her checks, made her write out a budget each pay period, and saved the rest for her in an inaccessible savings account. She missed a day of work here and there (alcohol related), then missed a whole week (again alcohol related), then lost her job. In the meantime, she had demanded her money back. Since I had, by that time, joined Al-Anon & realized that handling her finances for her was a really bad idea. OTOH (on the other hand), it was probably the only way I was ever going to get her to move out. OTOH, if she doesn't save it herself, she will probably just get her own place, lose it again, & want to move back. Anyway, I turned all of her money and her bank account over to her about a month before she lost her job. She had $1600 saved. She has now spent it all (did not contribute financially to the household with any of it), has no job, has not been looking very hard, wasn't doing chores, etc. So I have set a boundary and she is doing chores. We discussed a move-out date (end of January) but I think that is going to be hard to enforce. She does have friends she could live with, but they are druggies and alcoholics. She has been trying to stay away from them. And I think women becoming homeless with noplace to go is just a bad idea. This is the worst part for me. She has few friends, no girl friends, and I just can't stand the thought of her being so at-risk and homeless. I don't see how she could possibly save money to move out by the end of January. OTOH, it is definitely time. Her son moved in with his father over the summer, so a child is no longer a factor.
If anyone has hung in with me through this whole diatribe, thank you. I'm already shriveling at the idea of actually throwing her out. One day at a time, I guess.
Waking,
Congratulations :) !!! When I do something like that for me, establishing a boundary, and have a modicum of expectation in a certain given situation, I no longer feel like a doormat.
Keep us posted and remember to keep your promise to yourself.
Maria123
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am having a problem with my 18 yr old gettting a job too!!! He is still attending school, finishing his high school at a Tech College, but he NEEDS a job. Let me know how your daughter is doing. Hang in there, boundaries are a good thing, they are healthy for you.
Hugs Mary
Thank you, everyone. This is long. Read only if you have time for a book. We need all the prayers we can get. They say the alcoholic gets "stuck" at the age they started drinking. She started drinking at 14 and 14 is how she acts. She is now 35. (Good idea to set boundaries younger, eh?) This just sort of crept up on me, though. At 18, she wasn't attending school or working, so I set a deadline & asked her to move out. She moved in with her boyfriend & his family! Who was abusive! And she got pregnant! All her choices, but I really beat myself up over it, esp. the abusive part. A couple of year's later, she & my grandson moved in with her sister into her tiny little one room apartment. Her sister's abusive boyfriend was about to be released from prison. I became obsessed with what a bad situation this was and wanted to "help" my daughters (coulda used Al-Anon then) instead of allowing them the dignity of their own poor choices & consequences. We all started talking about renting a house together. I'd get to see my grandchildren more -- it would be good! & we'd all save money. (I've lived with my own poor choice & consequence for over 12 years now.) After a couple of years, my alcoholic daughter moved out to try her wings on her own. My other daughter & both of her children have disabilities, so we again found a (smaller) place together to share rent. I also wanted to help with the children. I still think this was a good idea. Over 6 years ago, my alcoholic daughter lost her apartment & asked to sleep on our couch until she could find another place. We agreed and she's been here ever since. I recognize my part in it, but I also have to say that she is tough to deal with! She said she was going to school. I thought 'Okay, I'd like to help give her a new start by offering a couch for a bit longer.' That school wasn't good, so she changed after a few semesters to another one. Then that one wasn't good either, and she changed again. That took several years. She also gets sick frequently (really sick) -- now I know that most of the illnesses are a result of her drinking, but still -- they are real illnesses. That has eaten up some more time when I didn't feel that I could throw her out. There were several boyfriend crises -- they eat up less time, but still there is a time extension on the couch. Then she got serious and got a job! Yay! Okay, here's my Al-Anon behavior at the time (where's that beet-red smiley when you need it?) I took over her finances. I was so determined that she save her money and finance her own next crisis and hopefully save enough to move out -- that I took her checks, made her write out a budget each pay period, and saved the rest for her in an inaccessible savings account. She missed a day of work here and there (alcohol related), then missed a whole week (again alcohol related), then lost her job. In the meantime, she had demanded her money back. Since I had, by that time, joined Al-Anon & realized that handling her finances for her was a really bad idea. OTOH (on the other hand), it was probably the only way I was ever going to get her to move out. OTOH, if she doesn't save it herself, she will probably just get her own place, lose it again, & want to move back. Anyway, I turned all of her money and her bank account over to her about a month before she lost her job. She had $1600 saved. She has now spent it all (did not contribute financially to the household with any of it), has no job, has not been looking very hard, wasn't doing chores, etc. So I have set a boundary and she is doing chores. We discussed a move-out date (end of January) but I think that is going to be hard to enforce. She does have friends she could live with, but they are druggies and alcoholics. She has been trying to stay away from them. And I think women becoming homeless with noplace to go is just a bad idea. This is the worst part for me. She has few friends, no girl friends, and I just can't stand the thought of her being so at-risk and homeless. I don't see how she could possibly save money to move out by the end of January. OTOH, it is definitely time. Her son moved in with his father over the summer, so a child is no longer a factor.
If anyone has hung in with me through this whole diatribe, thank you. I'm already shriveling at the idea of actually throwing her out. One day at a time, I guess.
-- Edited by WakingUp at 09:59, 2005-11-12