First I am grateful to alanon, and the major part of that is the fact I can come on here and let this stuff out. The jewel to this is YOU people who understand and won't condemn me. It is the people who make alanon work by sharing, caring and being there. I am on disability for a few reasons. Some days I get sick in a way that i call it barfing at both ends. It is very depressing. But I get over it and usually am very ok. Now the A husband has moved back home. I told him that sometimes I have to sit here all day. Sometimes I never sit all day becuz i love to keep busy. I am on a limited budget. I was carless and got a car. Had it all planned out, had some tax returns coming. Well they got taken becuz of A not paying his taxes a few years back. So now I am trying to figure out what to do. Becuz of my condition it can really bother me. I need to do the foot work to fix it. I don't seem to be able to see the options. He has ruined my perfect credit. In order to get the car, I had to go to basically a legal loan shark. I knew I was getting my taxes so was not worried as I would only have to have a loan there for a month. Anyway that is eating on me. I started feeling ill yesterday. This morn I was better but groggy from the dang phenergan. I sat in my chair most the day. i did a few things thru the day though. This afternoon i was laying on the floor with, well Luster my pot bellied pig. The A comes in and starts quizing me but not listening to the answers. Asking me why i am sick blah blah. I told him I am groggy from the darn med. he goes on and on about how one fourth of a phenergan will not do that. Basically calling me a liar. He would not let up. I kept asking him to please leave me alone I did not feel like talking. He said there must be something else going on. ??? Basically taking my inventory. It was ugly, not caring. Just weird. Like he has the right to ask. I got up and got dressed to go feed.Did that. then he left with a friend. I came in and read the Bible for awhile then fell asleep. He comes home, turns on the hall light blasting me, he never turns it on, and has a little dog with him he brought home and says you want to meet Budi? I am in my room with all my dogs asleep or were asleep on the floor around me. I was SOUND asleep, been very ill and depressed. I say, "you f ing idiot you do not bring a strange dog in here around all my dogs!" He starts stomping around blah blah. I just did not care. I told him to grow up, I could not help it I was sound asleep. I would NEVER talk that way usually, never. I doubt I ever have! Was awful. Of course now i cannot sleep ,my dogs are all in an uproar. I knew the dog was coming some time but not at night and never without being warned. Anyway I am not sure if he is drunk or what. don't care. I don't and will not allow anyone to take my inventory, telling me how I am always on the computer,did nothing all day. I just kept all my stuff inside. doesn't matter. this is not anyone I care about. My husband is lost inside this monster right now. He made a lid to a cage for me. he had to drill holes so the animals could get air. Well he did not bother to make sure he made sure the holes were where the opening is, in the top of the plexi glass cage. then he had my rabbit food poured out of the lidded bucket into another to feed the pigs. Just dumb stuff. But it all adds up to he is not himself. I prayed the S prayer and am doing my best to remember alanon stuff. I hate phenergan, I get groggy and cannot think and hate to talk. I guess I find it sad the only time he talks to me is times like now. He is mad or drunk or whatever. Seems he cannot carry a conversation about anything but work. Have been doing my best and well not even thinking about it much. So today, probably since I did not go out and talk to him, he is all feeling selfish. Aism is a drag. I feel dead inside right now. Well dulled out, not dead. I see how I start to build up feelings with out thinking about it. Then his Aism pulls this sorta stuff and all my respect for him is gone again. I am doing the best I can. all I can do. When this crap happens i want to pack up and sell this place and move somewhere where no one knows me. FAr Far away from him. Its not that I don't love him or want him here. I thank the creator for him. Just when this happens, i look at options that might make me feel better. Probably not making any sense at all. I suppose it hurts when he is not drunk, I don't think he is, and he says stuff like he did today. Becuz it is not very nice. I see what he really thinks. It is none of his business what i do with myself, none. I don't get into his stuff. I don't want him into mine. Well we will see how we work this one out. I don't really care to be honest. Sounds awful. I don't mean i don't care about him. I know hp will show me footsteps and I surrender it. I know it will be ok. But all the same it hurts uno? OH all of the cats got in some how...this never happens... he left the laundry room door open on purpose so they would get in.....childish eh? isms I am better if he is living here. i hated not knowing where he was. The thing is this disease will just keep pushing us further apart. I visualize someday he will live in the rental. Be fine with me. I just want him ok. This disease is so awful. thank you for listening. Would love all the alanon slogans, your thoughts anything please. Hand me a rope please... love you's,debilyn

((((((((((((((((((((debilyn))))))))))))))))) Sorry you are going through this... What comes to mind is to keep it simple ,one day at a time,and keep the focus on you sweetie and it sounds like you are are!! i know I hate this dieases too it has killed my mother and has devasted my family and my life... Thank God i am not living with an A but he is ACOA ( A child of alcoholic) and is in denial about it too but I have to keep in mind is that I need to keep the focus on me and my recovery.... Your in my prayers (((((((((debliyn))))))) love ya YOU ARE NOT ALONE.... Glad you posted.. bubbles123

((((Debilyn))))),

I read your e-mail and my heart really went out to you! I know hard it is to deal with life stresses and Aism on a regular day, let alone when you are feeling really ill, and your A is being extra difficult. One of my favorite images in Courage to Change, is to imagine wrapping oneself (or a loved one) in a beautiful quilt, and handing yourself into HP's open hands for warmth, love, and soothing caring. I found this image so comforting in times when I have felt unsettled, tired, sick and just needed REST in the very best, filling sense of the word. I'm thinking of you and wishing you a deeping, restful, filling REST that leaves you feeling restored. I encourage you to lean on and rest in the soothing care of HP.

Keep taking care of YOU FIRST! I hope you feel better soon!

BlueCloud

(((((Debilyn)))) So Sorry things are tough right now.. "This too shall pass" In reading your past posts (which I dearly love to do) it always seems to me that HP provides. You might not always get what you want, but you get what you need. :) Try to trust that whatever path you are on, you are supposed to walk it. I'll say a prayer that you find peace within (and feel better too). Love you Christy

Dear Debilyn,

You know you are never alone Hon. I don't think there is one person on this board that doesn't love you with your loving, caring ways and quick wit.

 I am so sad that your A is treating you so rotten. It is a baffling disease! Try to concentrate on the happy times, the little loving things that the real man does, not the disease. He is probably fighting the disease and finding it hard and takes it out on you. Remember he is a sick man and this is not coming from him.

You are such a sensitive person, please don't let this hurt you, it means the disease is winning! I know how lonely it is when you're not with him, and praying for him to come home. You are a strong woman, you'll come through all this with bells on! I'm so glad we have this place to come to in our darkest hours, where people understand exactly where we're at. Hip Hip Hooray for John!!

Praying for you that you will let those awful things he says to you slide off you like water off a ducks back,and HP will heal your pain. Love You! TLC

PS. Is it possible that he felt bad about the things he said, and that is why he brought home Budi, to cheer you up? I know my ex might have done something like that, not thinking of how the other dogs would react. Try to remember that he doesn't have the 'animal sense' that you have. My ex did some crazy (to my mind ) things with my animals, not really understanding the way animals are. He used to say to people that he wasn't sure which I loved the most, him or my horse, well... I still have the horse, (smile). Hang in there friend!

-- Edited by TLC2 at 09:36, 2005-11-11

Hi Debilyn,

I often think about you and your animals.  I am so glad that you have them around you.  Their love is unconditional, no strings attached.  I smiled when you said you were laying down with your pig.  I am an animal lover and ever since I was a kid I have wanted a cow I could call Clarabelle.  Not much chance of that where I live at the moment as the climate is virtually desert.  I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and will pray to HP to get you through this.  Nothing worse than feeling like s..t and being annoyed.  I will ask Hp to try and make your good days outnumber your bad with your illness.  Sending you love from Australia.  Luv Leo xx

((((((((((((((((((((debilyn)))))))))))))))))

I went into your website after reading your post to remind myself where you are and all that surrounds you.  I am sorry you feel so alone.....know that you have so much support here and with your animals, the sky, and hills, and your HP.  You are doing the best you can with what you have.  Be gentle with yourself.  Tell yourself you are a good person that you can not control the disease.  Your words of wisdom have helped me so much in times of my weakness when I was questioning myself and not trusting what I felt inside.  Your postings bring strength to my life and have shown me how to be grateful.  Hang in there, work your program and remember the three C's.

Hugs Mary

(((((Debilyn)))))

Your sadness comes through in your post. I'm sorry you have been feeling bad. No matter what we know or how strong our program is, it is hard not to let it get us down. We are human, and we feel.

Keep hugging those little furries, remember that it's the disease not him and hang on.

As far as leaving Eden, you live in a place, hardships and all that most of us can only dream about. Probably a place as close to perfect as this world allows. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean life is perfect, I mean living in that place with your furry family.

Since I see it has been a few days since you posted, I hope you are feeling better.

                              Love Jeannie