I laughted so hard at Dolphin's "Waxing" post the other day....it reminded me of the last time I had read something that made me laugh so hard.... and I found it....so thought I would share it as sort of a rebuttal.... "tell a story on the guy-side" of the things...
I too, hope no one is offended by this...but i just couldnt help myself...just read it again now and still lmao!!!!!!
Dear Friends,
My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Kathy. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out---way too cool!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing!! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippeeee....I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some reassurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water..All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy." Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY DAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNN!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me onto the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, my "boys" nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-*&*$% that hurt!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my "boys"??? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em.......sure would like to get 'em back!
This is great David! (trying to regain my composure) This guy should have been presented with the Darwin Award!!!!!
Karilynn said
Nov 10, 2005
David,
You sound like your describing my ex-boyfriend from many, many, many years ago! Thanks for the giggle.
Live strong, not stupid!
Karilynn
bubbles1990 said
Nov 11, 2005
((((((((((((((david))))))))))))))) that was cute thanks for the giggle!!
bubbles123
kitty said
Nov 11, 2005
ok, Mr. Elvis Sir,
this was funny enough to make me go back & read "waxing" -- me in my ever serious, pragmatic & scientific mind - I responded with real advcie on the subject.
Thanks for reminding me about the taser idea, sounds like a better form of self-protection than a hang-gun -- when I went to the police last week to speak of my problem w/ my psycho ex husband (addict) still stalking me -- the cops sd I can get no restraining order as the statute of limitiations has run out on when he threatened to kill me (& my entire family - if I EVER spoke of him or his lifestyle).
So I (on the verge of ters & hysteria) asked, "so what am I supposed to do, I know some self-defense but not much will help me against a gun, would u recommend that I get a gun & change my name?"
The officer just looked at me blankly, as if to say - that's within your right ma'am.
I guess in TX everyone has a gun & it's no big deal.
At least the taser idea, which I hadn't thought of in a good long while isn't permanent but would be quite discouraging.
masochism is funny - guess I've been too self-destructive for too long! God help me to be gentle with myself.
Dolphin123 said
Nov 13, 2005
David,
OMG, LOL, that was too funny. I am a little ashamed to admit it, but well uhhhhhhh, that could have been my husband.
Back when I was pregnant with our first child he picked me up from work and then wanted to rent a movie. Since he can spend at least 45 minutes carefull selecting just the right movie I choose to stay in the car. I had spent all day on my feet and being 6 months along standing for another 45 to watch him pick out a movie was not somethign I wanted to do. I locked the doors as I always do when I am alone in the car. A few minutes goes by, and this guy walks to the truck next to me. Then he bends down peaks into my car and then tries to open the door. I started crying and screaming. He gets into his truck and drives away.
I start the car and drive in this frantic state around the block who knows how many times until my hubby comes out of the store. He asks what's wrong and I tell him. He says, oh hun, he probably thought you were a prostitute. (Which in the area that we were in, was probably a fair statement from my hubby) I started to cry more, here I am in my uniform tired as hell and 6 months pregnant, how could I possibly look like a prostitute.
Anyway my hubby's solution is a tazer, he went out and got me one while I was at work the next day. Before I got home, he and his brother had both tested it out on themselves to make sure it worked.
I am still trying to figure out who has less brains the one who did it first, or the one who went second. I would have tried it on soem fruit of something, not myself.
Your story brought back that memory. I can laugh at all of it now.
I laughted so hard at Dolphin's "Waxing" post the other day....it reminded me of the last time I had read something that made me laugh so hard.... and I found it....so thought I would share it as sort of a rebuttal.... "tell a story on the guy-side" of the things...
I too, hope no one is offended by this...but i just couldnt help myself...just read it again now and still lmao!!!!!!
Dear Friends,
My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Kathy. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out---way too cool!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing!! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippeeee....I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some reassurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water..All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy." Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY DAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNN!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me onto the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, my "boys" nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-*&*$% that hurt!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my "boys"??? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em.......sure would like to get 'em back!
Davey,
That's hilarious!!!!!!LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLLLLLOOO!!!!!!!
thanks I havent' laughed that hard in a while!
Jonibaloni21
ok, Mr. Elvis Sir,
this was funny enough to make me go back & read "waxing" -- me in my ever serious, pragmatic & scientific mind - I responded with real advcie on the subject.
Thanks for reminding me about the taser idea, sounds like a better form of self-protection than a hang-gun -- when I went to the police last week to speak of my problem w/ my psycho ex husband (addict) still stalking me -- the cops sd I can get no restraining order as the statute of limitiations has run out on when he threatened to kill me (& my entire family - if I EVER spoke of him or his lifestyle).
So I (on the verge of ters & hysteria) asked, "so what am I supposed to do, I know some self-defense but not much will help me against a gun, would u recommend that I get a gun & change my name?"
The officer just looked at me blankly, as if to say - that's within your right ma'am.
I guess in TX everyone has a gun & it's no big deal.
At least the taser idea, which I hadn't thought of in a good long while isn't permanent but would be quite discouraging.
masochism is funny - guess I've been too self-destructive for too long! God help me to be gentle with myself.
David,
OMG, LOL, that was too funny. I am a little ashamed to admit it, but well uhhhhhhh, that could have been my husband.
Back when I was pregnant with our first child he picked me up from work and then wanted to rent a movie. Since he can spend at least 45 minutes carefull selecting just the right movie I choose to stay in the car. I had spent all day on my feet and being 6 months along standing for another 45 to watch him pick out a movie was not somethign I wanted to do. I locked the doors as I always do when I am alone in the car. A few minutes goes by, and this guy walks to the truck next to me. Then he bends down peaks into my car and then tries to open the door. I started crying and screaming. He gets into his truck and drives away.
I start the car and drive in this frantic state around the block who knows how many times until my hubby comes out of the store. He asks what's wrong and I tell him. He says, oh hun, he probably thought you were a prostitute. (Which in the area that we were in, was probably a fair statement from my hubby) I started to cry more, here I am in my uniform tired as hell and 6 months pregnant, how could I possibly look like a prostitute.
Anyway my hubby's solution is a tazer, he went out and got me one while I was at work the next day. Before I got home, he and his brother had both tested it out on themselves to make sure it worked.
I am still trying to figure out who has less brains the one who did it first, or the one who went second. I would have tried it on soem fruit of something, not myself.
Your story brought back that memory. I can laugh at all of it now.
Much Love,