You know when I first met my husband over three years ago I can remember a time I couldn't wait to get home to him. I wanted to spend every waking hour with him. It's not like that anymore and I feel such guilt.
I love my husband but so much has happened and I'm still harboring some resentment against him. We have split up so many times that I have lost count. The verbal abuse has been horrible. The sneaking and lying drives me crazy. Don't get me wrong, I am not completely innocent in all of this. There were times when I would engage in the name calling with him. I have tried to no avail to control him. I won't let him pull me into the name calling anymore and I am working on my control issues.
When I am around my husband I can show him compassion and love even when he is drinking. The problem is when I am away from him, like when I'm at work, I start looking at the big picture and wonder what am I doing? I know that I should take one day at a time and even one moment at a time but I get so discouraged sometimes. I lose hope.
Right now my husband has either been drinking more or doing drugs. I don't know which but I know that his behavior is different. In the past I would play detective and try and find out what he was doing but I have no interest in doing that. Let him suffer his own consequences. It's when it involves me that I get upset. This past weekend was horrible! All he wanted to do was pick an argument with me all weekend long. I tried to use my Alanon tools but I still bit.
I just wonder sometimes if I even still want to do this.
Julie
nycbt said
Nov 10, 2005
When I am home I love him very much. However when I am away from him I do see the big picture and it isn't always pretty. But that is why I am working on me so to build myself stronger for the times it is not good.
Dolphin123 said
Nov 10, 2005
((((((((((Julie)))))))))),
I struggle with the "big picture" myself. When I feel resentment start to get to me I work on me even more.
Keep going to meetings, keep working on you. Pray. Let your HP guide you.
Much Love,
rosie light shines said
Nov 10, 2005
julie, i think i would just work my program......take care of me..........surrender to my HP, and let spirit guide me as to *do i stay???? do i go???? do i just live separate life????he go his way, i go mine?????* as i work on me, and AS i learn to be still, after prayer, my HP guides me as to what to do...............i take care of ME....align myself with HP....and i get the answers i need.........................peace/ rosie
Emmie11 said
Nov 10, 2005
The only way I found to make things better (ESPECIALLY my relationships with other people, alcoholics or not) was to proceed with working the steps. The process is difficult and can be scary, but there was and is so much relief at the end of it for me. The steps also provide structure and boundaries in my life where previously there were none, and working them gives my thoughts a constructive focus so I do not obsess about what others may or may not be doing (at me, to me, or around me). When I put that focus on myself, a lot of the peripheral drama in my life works itself out because I am no longer contributing to it or feeding it, and my life is more peaceful today
Like it says in the meetings: "It is possible to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." There is hope for your situation, and the good news is it hinges on you, not on the drinking or drugging you can't control.
Emmie
browneyes said
Nov 10, 2005
Dear Julie
I struggle with this quite often. I only know that it has gotten better for Me since I have started Alanon. But you are certainly not alone in your feelings and I wanted to let you know that we are all here for you. And don't be too hard on yourself if you "bite", you are human after all. It is hard to not feel attacked. But at least you realize it and maybe next time you will be able to walk away or go for a walk somewhere. Sometimes I make up phony errands when I know he wants to fight or take the kids to the park.. Hope you can find some peace today.
With strength
Julie
leo said
Nov 10, 2005
Hi Julie,
I think sometimes the resentment is a form of frustration with the A in your life. When everything is going okay we tend to cruise along everyone settles back in the comfort zone and nothing gets sorted out. Then they let us down after we try to trust and we feel like we are fools. Keep surrendering to Hp I have found this really helpful and find an inner strength when I need it most. Try to remove yourself from your A's negative energy if he is being difficult as he will only drain you. Luv Leo xx
ODAT said
Nov 10, 2005
Julie,
Your post could have been written by me! I feel the same way about when I am with him and when I am away. I forget what it is like to spend time with 'normies' for an extended amount of time. How relaxed I feel, and comfortable, and valued. That's when I don't look forward to going home.
Then, I get home and my A husband and our two daughters are there and we are hanging out together warts and all. The feelings stated above melt away . . .
I tend to trust the impressions and feelings I have when I am out in the sunlight.
You know when I first met my husband over three years ago I can remember a time I couldn't wait to get home to him. I wanted to spend every waking hour with him. It's not like that anymore and I feel such guilt.
I love my husband but so much has happened and I'm still harboring some resentment against him. We have split up so many times that I have lost count. The verbal abuse has been horrible. The sneaking and lying drives me crazy. Don't get me wrong, I am not completely innocent in all of this. There were times when I would engage in the name calling with him. I have tried to no avail to control him. I won't let him pull me into the name calling anymore and I am working on my control issues.
When I am around my husband I can show him compassion and love even when he is drinking. The problem is when I am away from him, like when I'm at work, I start looking at the big picture and wonder what am I doing? I know that I should take one day at a time and even one moment at a time but I get so discouraged sometimes. I lose hope.
Right now my husband has either been drinking more or doing drugs. I don't know which but I know that his behavior is different. In the past I would play detective and try and find out what he was doing but I have no interest in doing that. Let him suffer his own consequences. It's when it involves me that I get upset. This past weekend was horrible! All he wanted to do was pick an argument with me all weekend long. I tried to use my Alanon tools but I still bit.
I just wonder sometimes if I even still want to do this.
Julie
((((((((((Julie)))))))))),
I struggle with the "big picture" myself. When I feel resentment start to get to me I work on me even more.
Keep going to meetings, keep working on you. Pray. Let your HP guide you.
Much Love,
julie, i think i would just work my program......take care of me..........surrender to my HP, and let spirit guide me as to *do i stay???? do i go???? do i just live separate life????he go his way, i go mine?????* as i work on me, and AS i learn to be still, after prayer, my HP guides me as to what to do...............i take care of ME....align myself with HP....and i get the answers i need.........................peace/ rosie
The only way I found to make things better (ESPECIALLY my relationships with other people, alcoholics or not) was to proceed with working the steps. The process is difficult and can be scary, but there was and is so much relief at the end of it for me. The steps also provide structure and boundaries in my life where previously there were none, and working them gives my thoughts a constructive focus so I do not obsess about what others may or may not be doing (at me, to me, or around me). When I put that focus on myself, a lot of the peripheral drama in my life works itself out because I am no longer contributing to it or feeding it, and my life is more peaceful today
Like it says in the meetings: "It is possible to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." There is hope for your situation, and the good news is it hinges on you, not on the drinking or drugging you can't control.
Emmie
Dear Julie
I struggle with this quite often. I only know that it has gotten better for Me since I have started Alanon. But you are certainly not alone in your feelings and I wanted to let you know that we are all here for you. And don't be too hard on yourself if you "bite", you are human after all. It is hard to not feel attacked. But at least you realize it and maybe next time you will be able to walk away or go for a walk somewhere. Sometimes I make up phony errands when I know he wants to fight or take the kids to the park.. Hope you can find some peace today.
With strength
Julie
Hi Julie,
I think sometimes the resentment is a form of frustration with the A in your life. When everything is going okay we tend to cruise along everyone settles back in the comfort zone and nothing gets sorted out. Then they let us down after we try to trust and we feel like we are fools. Keep surrendering to Hp I have found this really helpful and find an inner strength when I need it most. Try to remove yourself from your A's negative energy if he is being difficult as he will only drain you. Luv Leo xx
Julie,
Your post could have been written by me! I feel the same way about when I am with him and when I am away. I forget what it is like to spend time with 'normies' for an extended amount of time. How relaxed I feel, and comfortable, and valued. That's when I don't look forward to going home.
Then, I get home and my A husband and our two daughters are there and we are hanging out together warts and all. The feelings stated above melt away . . .
I tend to trust the impressions and feelings I have when I am out in the sunlight.
ODAT