My A doesnt fool around on me

My A doesnt gamble

My A doesnt drive drunk

My A doesnt do cocaine

My A doesnt hit me/us

My A sits in the finished basement and drinks. I watch him get drunk. When I hear other peoples stories I think my A isnt that bad so why do I need to go to F2F to hear their stories? Can anyone relate? Just looking for advice here - thanks

Barbara, I can! My A seldom would go out to a bar. After his first family left him (not just because of his drinking. The wife use to beat him just because. Try being a man and admitting that!) after he came home from work, and on the weekends he would do nothing but drink and sleep. When he relapsed with me, he would hide the bottles (this is before I found this site) but always stay at home. Once in a while he would go out for the weekend and check himself into a hotel and then stay there and drink. Ironically, when he did crash the card, alcohol wasn't involved! Going to a f2f meeting can help you gain perspective. I'm in such a small New England town that there are only 2 f2f meetings to go to. Honestly, I found them not meeting my needs at this time. However, I don't want that to discourage you. When we first start down this road of recovery, we need to be given the tools of the trade. Just like a recovery A needs the foundation of AA to start the long journey of sobriety. It's about staying healthy in our recovery, regardless of his sobiriety or not. My suggestion is to go to some meetings, see what they are like. You may have to attend a bunch of different ones to find the ones that you are most comfortable. Live strong, Karilynn

You will find that there is something at f2f meetings that you cannot get anywhere else - and that is the enormous relief of sitting in front of real live people, and speaking the truth about your life. You really do have nothing to lose - you don't have to get better any faster than you are ready to. I'd also like to mention that you probably won't be 'hearing their stories' that much, at a f2f. The talk tends to be focused much more on us than on the A. This site here, while extremely helpful, is not really that much like a f2f, because we have such a high proportion of newcomers here, who need to get their stories out. I know that I had been going to my meetings for nearly a year before I knew just who the A's in the lives of the regular members were.

Barbara, I can relate.  The current alcoholic in my life is my daughter.  She hides her drinking (alcohol in a glass of coke, vodka in a glass of water, etc.) but I know a lot of it takes place at home.  When not at home, she has a group of friends and goes to visit them.  She is a nice person.  Most of the time she is polite, charming, smart.  Once in awhile she gets snarky when she drinks, but not most of the time.  So what's my problem?  She is 35 and she lives with me.  She's been sleeping on the couch in my living room for six years.  And for much of that time I didn't know that her problem was alcohol.  (Well, underneath alcohol there must be some kind of emotional pain, but that's another story...) At first she was going to school and I was willing to support her while she re-tooled, so to speak. After 3 schools and 3 excuses why it hadn't worked out, she started looking for a job.  That took a long time.  In the midst of going to school and job hunting, she got sick frequently, with one thing or another, necessitating long periods of doing nothing. Wouldn't you think I would have suspected something by then?  Finally I did, and joined Al-Anon.  I've been going to f2f meetings for 4 months and am trying to learn to focus on myself.  But in a way, focusing on myself can become just another form of denial (for me.) Things are not "normal" when a 35 year old continues to sleep on her mother's couch & doesn't work or contribute to household finances or chores.  Whenever they read the Dos & Don't at meetings, I always shudder at that part about "Don't be a doormat."  Somehow I just can't throw her out when she has no job & has spent all her money.  But then, she may never have a job or money as long as she drinks.

So yeah, I know that "nothing is wrong except quiet drinking at home" and "my situation isn't really as bad as some of the others" story.  I've made a commitment to talk more at my f2f meetings and to talk about my situation.  Focusing on myself is good, but I need to also focus on the reality that this situation is not normal, healthy or good for anyone in the family.

Thanks, Barbara, for asking the question.

Crystal

Alcholism progresses. It will only get worse. My A. use to only drink when out of town and away from us. Told me about it, said he didn't want to bring it home. Then my A. started drinking on the weekends in the basement..."just a few". Never really got smashed. Then my A. started drinking till he was drunk in the basement. Then my A. started drinking around the kids upstairs. Next my A. started going to bars and getting drunk after being there about an hour or two. Finally my A. started drinking around friends and family who he tried to hide it from early on. This took a course of a few years. My sponsor told me way back when...it will only get worse if he doesn't get help. She was right.

  If your A's drinking & it is damaging the intimacy of the love & closeness in ur family unit, hurts your self-esteem or self-worth or that of your children...  I would say it could be a problem.

For me the best thing about F2F mtgs, is getting the pamphlets.  Personally, I have more of a fellowship w/ my cyber family right here.  I have gotten more out of the on-line mtgs & this Board than any F2F mtg...   maybe iti is because we truly are anonymous here;  no one sees my face or knows my real name; I get anxiety driving or having to be "on time", so there is always someone to talk to here 24/7.

I do consider this my fellowship.  I guess since we are SO ANONYMOUS here, I feel free to be extra brutally honest.  I don't have to look into other's eyes & when I'm confessing a 'mistake' or 'lapse' experience any judgement here.  Nor do I see their pity, when I am sharing some pathetic story from my past. 

I can ball my eyes out, fidgit, blow my nose or open a can of soda & no one scowls at me.  I am so blessed & grateful!

Besides, unlike at mtgs...  when I post my recovery friends give me direct ESH & thier points of view.

 

hi Barbara,

My a sounds a lot like your a, but he has driven drunk.  He for the most part has at least quit doing that (thank you HP), and does the majority of his drinking at home.  But, I still have a problem with that. The smell of alcohol turns my stomach and makes my blood boil at the same time.  Watching your mate down 26 oz of hard liquor in an evening is hard to take.  Watching him slowly kill himself, watching him not be a part of my life or our kids lives is hard to take.  Yes there are worse situations (reading these posts really put things into perspective for me) but his drinking is still a problem, a wedge between us that just gets deeper.  I build emotional walls, the kids and I move on with our lives, leaving him behind.  His choice.

Having this group is a safety line for me, a place to go where people understand what I am going through, my feelings and emotions, if not my exact situation.  If alcohol is a problem in your life, this is a really good place to be.

Take care