The drama of other people's problems can be very distracting, but in Al-Anon we discover that the problem does not lie solely within another person, the problem lies within us.
The behavior of a friend, spouse, child, sibling, parent may have led us to alanon but we soon realize that our own thinking has become distorted.
Al-Anon helps us to stop wasting time trying to change the things over which we have no control and to put our efforts to work where we do have some power- over our lives. How Al-Anon Works, pg 30.
Gossip is taking the focus off of what is important...ourselves, me, I.
Talking about others in this room or in PM is Inappropriate Behavior. This is called Backstabbing. It is not Al-Anon. Nor is it working our program.
Creating drama and chaos is part of our Al-Anon sickness. This behavior is Inappropriate Behavior.
Putting another alanon, alcoholic, room member down, PMing them to intentionally hurt them is working our sickness, our illness. This inappropriate behavior is what got us sick in the first place.
It is NOT working our program.
Listening to gossip is the same as participating in it.
The buck HAS to stop with me, us, I.
Work out ur emotions about another alanon with ur sponsor, set boundaries, work UR alanon prgram with out harming another.
Let the focus be on ourselves and I for one, want to get healthy, not remain in my alanon illness.
This is something we ALL need to give serious attention to changing.
-- Edited by ^Lucy at 17:04, 2005-11-10
BlueCloud said
Nov 10, 2005
Lucy,
I'm not sure what you're referring to? This is one of several posts on the board (over the last few weeks) that I have read that refers in a veiled way to "those people" who are gossipping. When I get these posts that refer vaguely to "those people" or "you people" who are gossiping without a specific instance, I feel confused about what or who is being referred to. And now that this is the third or fourth post that I've opened on this board that makes these kinds of accusations, I am starting to feel angered by receiving these posts that level these types of accusations. I'd like to ask that people take their concerns directly to the person whom it concerns, or, if appropriate, to the moderator.
Cheers,
BlueCloud.
Diva said
Nov 10, 2005
Ordinarily I would not reply to a post like this for obvious reasons. I take exception considering the all-inclusive tenor of your post. Those who do gossip should be dealt with, if at all, by whomever is offended. Your kind of cryptic message serves no purpose here. I cannot speak for others, but if someone is "talking about" me in an unkind manner, I really do not care. I am puzzled ^Lucy...as a newby who has never posted before, how do you know so much about what goes on here on MIP? Would have been more acceptable had you had the cajones to use your real nick. That said, ^Lucy, I wish you well in your recovery.
Have a happy day,
Diva
Karilynn said
Nov 10, 2005
Well said Diva and Blue Cloud. I've always believed that the PM (private message) was the way to address these issues. I too feel like I'm missing something. But I don't like getting caught up in entanglements that have nothing to do with me. Can we all please learn to be respectful of each other's points of views? Don't we have enough to deal with in our own lives, without coming to a place that we consider safe, loving and supportive only to find this "juvenile" (for lack of a better word) behavior going on? Or as our dear Uncle Lou once said: CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? Be kind and respectful to each other people. It's called being civilized. Thank you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
sunny1 said
Nov 10, 2005
I too was abit taken back by this post. I would have to agree with DIVA in that how is one to be so aware if you are just new here. I would like to think that we are all adults, that we are all here because we want to grow and recover. I come here for an option to vent or read and learn. I take offense to such posts when the last line says :
To those of u who don't THINK this message applies to u?
This message applies to U!
I personally know this does not apply to me so I will close this post and hope that you are able to let go of what is bothering you, and move forward.
Good luck in your recovery
Sunny1
Dolphin123 said
Nov 10, 2005
^Lucy wrote: To those of u who don't THINK this message applies to u? This message applies to U!
Wow, I feel attacked and very very confused. I see this is your first post here, so I am wondering if you are just venting or what. Quite frankly it is none of my business what prompted this post. But the fact that you have never posted here before and saying what you said about it including the people who didn't think it applied to them, was a very loaded statement.
I myself have been coming here for a while, and yes at times there is drama, but it is dealt with.
Most of us are here to share our ESH and receive ESH from others. I hope you find some.
Much Love,
mastiff said
Nov 10, 2005
thank you lucy for posting that. As controversal as it may be, i believe this post was put here for the purpose of alanon perservations in our chatroom. It is very easy for any group of people no matter how healthy, for gossip to be in the background somewhere.
In alanon we are taught that not only can gossip be hurtful to others, but also very damagaing to ourselves. I in the past had used gossip as a way to distract myself from my own problems, my own faults. If i could point out how someone else was screwing up, it somehow, as sick as i was, mad me feel better about where i was screwing up. If i was focused on someone else, i didn't have to look at myself. And so it was with my a's. I was crazy because of there actions i had thought, it was all his fault my life was the way it was. But in alanon i came to understand that i had my problems and my sicknesses because of my own thinking my own actions ect.
I truely hope that others can see this post of lucy's as a way to apply out program to a reacuring problem in our room. The old "let it begin with me." You may not be a "gossiper," and if not then great! You have an oppertunity to apply your program and offer the correct tools if someone does come to you with some gossip. If maybe you have gossiped once or twice in the past, hopefully you wont go on the defence from this post, but rather open your mind a bit to see how this old survival skill we learn with out alanon can hurt you and your recovery.
lots of love, Trina
shadow1 said
Nov 10, 2005
^Lucy is a very long time member in the chat room. I really have no idea what or who she is talking about, but i do agree with the others that it should be dealt with in a more private manor. People that only use the message board have no idea what goes on in the chat room and would take offence to a post like this. People that use the chat room and have no idea what is going on with gossip and backstabbing would take offence as well. I'm guessing that with the meeting last night and the posts that are coming up there is an issue in MIP but it needs to be handled in a different mannor, and not attacting everyone that uses the message board or the chat room. I think that most are here to hear ESH and not to get involved with such games.
Thanks
Shadow
Dolphin123 said
Nov 10, 2005
Shadow,
Thank you for your insight. I have not been able to go to the chat room for a while. So I am very very out of date as to the happenings.
I do agree if there is a problem, it needs to be fixed. I have seen that the ickiness doesn't last for long here. The people who take care of such things always take care of that business. And that is normally handled very privately, so even if we think nothing is happening doesn't mean nothing is happening.
Sorry if I got to upset, I didn't see a problem here on this board and got defensive. A flaw I have.
Much Love,
Emmie11 said
Nov 10, 2005
I think this is a great time to remember the traditions tell us our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.
It is vital that we focus on what draws us together here... our primary spiritual aim is to help families and friends of alcoholics, but if outside interests and controversy take the forefront, and personalities overtake the principles this program teaches us, the healing potential is less for everyone.
Emmie
Christy said
Nov 10, 2005
This was one of the topics in a meeting I attended. It's most likely not directed at anyone. Just a good solid reminder from an experienced Alanoner. It's not only directed to the chatroom, but here also and in all our affairs. Does it have to be about a particular person to be posted?
Perhaps just an overall reminder post?
"To those of u who don't THINK this message applies to u?
This message applies to U!
It applies to all of us. As someone previously mentioned, the veiled posts, the PM's etc.
I think we can all take something useful from it. I know I did.
Christy
kitty said
Nov 10, 2005
Between the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions and the very basis of anonymity... I find all of this hyped up "trauma drama" kindergartenish & insulting.
Einstein sd, "Do not listen to the praise or criticism of others, both throw you off of your course."
I expect my words to remain in the confines of your minds, if anything I say is ever repeatted, and my words are of value, pls pass them on simply do not quote me.
I am looking for spiritual intergration & healing. I need ESH to get through this difficult period in my life. I have been in the program for 20 years, since I was 18 -- all of this junk reminds me of junior high school - a place I would not return for all the money in in the world!
I do not know what happened or what is going on. This is NOT what our Program is about, this is true. I just want to listen & be heard - I consider this my "Safe place".
I am sorry I got wind of any of this what so ever, I choose to never repeat any it nor do I wish to recall any of "it". I hope to never have to speak of any of it again... can we not all please just move forward and continue working Our Own Programs? I do find it very sad & petty.
I Love this site & Board & have gotten so much ESH from the loving ppl here albeit we are all sick & need help -- I want to be healed & understand my family disease better, that is all.
The drama of other people's problems can be very distracting, but in Al-Anon we discover that the problem does not lie solely within another person, the problem lies within us.
The behavior of a friend, spouse, child, sibling, parent may have led us to alanon but we soon realize that our own thinking has become distorted.
Al-Anon helps us to stop wasting time trying to change the things over which we have no control and to put our efforts to work where we do have some power- over our lives. How Al-Anon Works, pg 30.
Gossip is taking the focus off of what is important...ourselves, me, I.
Talking about others in this room or in PM is Inappropriate Behavior. This is called Backstabbing. It is not Al-Anon. Nor is it working our program.
Creating drama and chaos is part of our Al-Anon sickness. This behavior is Inappropriate Behavior.
Putting another alanon, alcoholic, room member down, PMing them to intentionally hurt them is working our sickness, our illness. This inappropriate behavior is what got us sick in the first place.
It is NOT working our program.
Listening to gossip is the same as participating in it.
The buck HAS to stop with me, us, I.
Work out ur emotions about another alanon with ur sponsor, set boundaries, work UR alanon prgram with out harming another.
Let the focus be on ourselves and I for one, want to get healthy, not remain in my alanon illness.
This is something we ALL need to give serious attention to changing.
-- Edited by ^Lucy at 17:04, 2005-11-10
Lucy,
I'm not sure what you're referring to? This is one of several posts on the board (over the last few weeks) that I have read that refers in a veiled way to "those people" who are gossipping. When I get these posts that refer vaguely to "those people" or "you people" who are gossiping without a specific instance, I feel confused about what or who is being referred to. And now that this is the third or fourth post that I've opened on this board that makes these kinds of accusations, I am starting to feel angered by receiving these posts that level these types of accusations. I'd like to ask that people take their concerns directly to the person whom it concerns, or, if appropriate, to the moderator.
Cheers,
BlueCloud.
I too was abit taken back by this post. I would have to agree with DIVA in that how is one to be so aware if you are just new here. I would like to think that we are all adults, that we are all here because we want to grow and recover. I come here for an option to vent or read and learn. I take offense to such posts when the last line says :
To those of u who don't THINK this message applies to u?
This message applies to U!
I personally know this does not apply to me so I will close this post and hope that you are able to let go of what is bothering you, and move forward.
Good luck in your recovery
Sunny1
Wow, I feel attacked and very very confused. I see this is your first post here, so I am wondering if you are just venting or what. Quite frankly it is none of my business what prompted this post. But the fact that you have never posted here before and saying what you said about it including the people who didn't think it applied to them, was a very loaded statement.
I myself have been coming here for a while, and yes at times there is drama, but it is dealt with.
Most of us are here to share our ESH and receive ESH from others. I hope you find some.
Much Love,
thank you lucy for posting that. As controversal as it may be, i believe this post was put here for the purpose of alanon perservations in our chatroom. It is very easy for any group of people no matter how healthy, for gossip to be in the background somewhere.
In alanon we are taught that not only can gossip be hurtful to others, but also very damagaing to ourselves. I in the past had used gossip as a way to distract myself from my own problems, my own faults. If i could point out how someone else was screwing up, it somehow, as sick as i was, mad me feel better about where i was screwing up. If i was focused on someone else, i didn't have to look at myself. And so it was with my a's. I was crazy because of there actions i had thought, it was all his fault my life was the way it was. But in alanon i came to understand that i had my problems and my sicknesses because of my own thinking my own actions ect.
I truely hope that others can see this post of lucy's as a way to apply out program to a reacuring problem in our room. The old "let it begin with me." You may not be a "gossiper," and if not then great! You have an oppertunity to apply your program and offer the correct tools if someone does come to you with some gossip. If maybe you have gossiped once or twice in the past, hopefully you wont go on the defence from this post, but rather open your mind a bit to see how this old survival skill we learn with out alanon can hurt you and your recovery.
lots of love, Trina
^Lucy is a very long time member in the chat room. I really have no idea what or who she is talking about, but i do agree with the others that it should be dealt with in a more private manor. People that only use the message board have no idea what goes on in the chat room and would take offence to a post like this. People that use the chat room and have no idea what is going on with gossip and backstabbing would take offence as well. I'm guessing that with the meeting last night and the posts that are coming up there is an issue in MIP but it needs to be handled in a different mannor, and not attacting everyone that uses the message board or the chat room. I think that most are here to hear ESH and not to get involved with such games.
Thanks
Shadow
Shadow,
Thank you for your insight. I have not been able to go to the chat room for a while. So I am very very out of date as to the happenings.
I do agree if there is a problem, it needs to be fixed. I have seen that the ickiness doesn't last for long here. The people who take care of such things always take care of that business. And that is normally handled very privately, so even if we think nothing is happening doesn't mean nothing is happening.
Sorry if I got to upset, I didn't see a problem here on this board and got defensive.
A flaw I have.
Much Love,
I think this is a great time to remember the traditions tell us our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.
It is vital that we focus on what draws us together here... our primary spiritual aim is to help families and friends of alcoholics, but if outside interests and controversy take the forefront, and personalities overtake the principles this program teaches us, the healing potential is less for everyone.
Emmie
Einstein sd, "Do not listen to the praise or criticism of others, both throw you off of your course."
I expect my words to remain in the confines of your minds, if anything I say is ever repeatted, and my words are of value, pls pass them on simply do not quote me.
I am looking for spiritual intergration & healing. I need ESH to get through this difficult period in my life. I have been in the program for 20 years, since I was 18 -- all of this junk reminds me of junior high school - a place I would not return for all the money in in the world!
I do not know what happened or what is going on. This is NOT what our Program is about, this is true. I just want to listen & be heard - I consider this my "Safe place".
I am sorry I got wind of any of this what so ever, I choose to never repeat any it nor do I wish to recall any of "it". I hope to never have to speak of any of it again... can we not all please just move forward and continue working Our Own Programs? I do find it very sad & petty.
I Love this site & Board & have gotten so much ESH from the loving ppl here albeit we are all sick & need help -- I want to be healed & understand my family disease better, that is all.
Ok. I changed the last two lines.