i just read a bunch of replies to someones post about what life was like living with an active a. many people said that they live separate lives from their a and are happy. so my question is are all of you just existing in a relationship? or are your need actually being fullfilled? is there still intimacy? would your a really stand by you through your problelms? or are you just standing by them thorough theirs? i see you are all faithful to your marriage vows, but are your a's? others have  said their a's are in recovery but are not living together. so basically you aren't with your a. your a is still in your life.... but do you have a loving relationship with them? is it 50/50? im so confused by all of this. it seems like many are just existing and are not really in love anymore. they love their a's but does the a love them? are you in love?

Well, I'll try to answer this honestly - I think that if there had been any chance that I would meet another man who would meet my needs as well as my A did, even when he was active, I may have left and tried again with someone else. As it was, except for the very worst period, when he was abusive and raving, getting blind drunk and blacking out five or more times a week, except for then, as I say, he was still someone I could be closer to than anyone else I have ever met. Yes, he was and is emotionally unreliable, but I am not really a person who needs a lot of emotional support. Yes, he was often gone, but I need a lot of time alone. He has always been able to make me laugh. We have always been able to talk about books and music together. He NEVER watches sports on TV - in fact he never watches TV, and doesn't expect me to. He doesn't expect me to spend time with people I don't like, just because he works with them or whatever. He doesn't mind that I dress funny, and don't wear makeup....I hope you get what I am getting at here. I could have been married to the soberest, nicest, most loving man in the world, but if he expected to go grocery shopping with me, and didn't let me read my book, but kept wanting to talk, if he didn't have a sense of homour and thought Tom Clancy was a really good author - in other words, if he was not the guy for me, l wouldn't have been any happier than I have been with my A. I don't think I would have answered this way five or six years ago, when he was acting so impossible, and I was going crazy with it. However, we got through that, mostly by me letting him be who he was, and loving who he was. He has always loved us all as best he can. This is not always enough, but it has taught me that I cannot leave all responsibility for my happiness in the hands of some other person. We all need to do this, even those of us who have never MET an A. After all, in the end, even happy marriages end, someone dies. EVERYBODY, not just those who love an A, needs a full, balanced life, a wide support network, sustaining and satisfying work, a relationship with a higher power - all the things that alanon teaches us to build. I hope this has made some sense.

I can't answer for those who are currently with their A. I can only answer for myself. While my A was active I was not in a program, I started going when he got into AA and stopped, like many thinking that everything would be fine now that he was sober. For me though, I was having alot of difficulty although iwas living my own life, going to friends alone, doing things alone, because I craved the intimacy.  It is something that was lacking in my marriage.  We had little in common anymore other than me taking care of him and eveything. When he finally went on a binge in August, I got out. Separated. I gave it a chance but also took the time to get myself some help. I know now that I couldn't ever go back to the way that things were. There are many people who stay and do live happy separate lives. I admire them. I am not capable of doing that probably because I was not in a program when I was living with him.

Notsonew, the questions you ask are good ones. I would like to know the answers myself. My sober A knows the consequences. I finally set the boundaries clearly. Meantime he goes to AA meetings twice weekly, is involved in the program, enjoys the meetings, and gets the big 12 step picture. I am answering from a different point of view than some because my A is not active. I adore this gentle, funny, charming, elegant man. There is a loving, caring relationship between us, and I would grieve if it were to come to an end. He is faithful to his marriage vows, does not misuse the money or the credit, has never been in trouble with the law, pays his taxes, walks the dogs, messages my feet, plays with me, makes me laugh, takes care of the house, cooks, and respects my privacy. Is there intimacy? You betcha! All this being said, it is still a one-day-at-a-time deal, and always will be. I do not fully trust that he won't drink again, and I have made my plans should that day come. I can take his two-to-three day binges, which happen, maybe once a year, but if he ever starts to drink on a full-time basis again, he is on the curb. I have no interest in leading separate lives if we are together. If I cannot be in a committed, sharing relationship, I'd as soon end it. I will not stay with anyone just for the sake of staying. Love, to me, demands a lot more than that. My opinion is one of many, none of which are right or wrong. It all depends upon how you want to live your life. Those who can be serenely together yet apart with an active a have my blessings. I just ain't one of 'em an don't wanna be! With sincere best wishes, Diva

Wow, your post really give pause for thought.

I don't really know why I stay...fear of change, fear of being alone, economics (my a is functional), etc.  I know that despite his disease he loves me, he just has a wierd way of showing it.  I do have lines drawn in the sand, and if he crosses them I"m gone, but for now.....

This has been the hardest thing for me. My A was the love of my life. I had never before connected with anyone on the level I did with him. I haven't spoken to him in over 8 months now. He still tries to contact me regularly and has done so for the entire 8 months. I have been strong. I do not answer or return his calls. It is the hardest thing because I want to be with him so much. But his disease has absolutely annihiliated me and I cannot allow that to happen anymore.

 

For a long time I chose to accept his problems and live with his problems and be with him because of the strength of this connection that we had and our love for one another. For awhile we were able to function as a couple. But he was becoming more and more out of control as he is now in the last stages of this disease... cannot work, cannot drive, can ONLY drink. As his drinking became more and more uncontrollable I saw less and less of the man I knew once existed. His behaviors were unacceptable. The more he disappeared (as a person), the more my soul died. I have never known such pain as the pain I had in this relationship. (I am still trying to work through a lot of it) For me it had to stop. I would've stayed and supported him without fail if he had only attempted to stop drinking. Even failed attempts would've been something to my mind then.

Honestly, I think it's a matter of what your boundaries are. Personally, I couldn't allow myself to be thrown under a bus anymore, which is exactly what happened when my A got to this level of drinking. I disappeared for him. I have to try to have more self-respect than that. I love him with all my heart. He knows this. And I know without a doubt he loves me. I can still feel it. I miss him desperately all the time. But I have made my decision to participate in this program and find myself, love myself again. I could not survive in that kind of relationship any longer.

I don't know if this helps. I just want you to be careful.  For awhile I felt that the pain I that sometimes received because of this disease was a fair trade-off for the wondrous love that we had. After awhile, if the drinking intensifies, it's not such a great trade off anymore and by the time all is said and done, there is a lot of damage left in the wake of such an arrangement.

I had a long talk with my A tonight about what is happening in our life.  I have been feeling worse and worse every day about staying and tonight we talked about living separately, at least for a while.  Another person responded to your post with "I have no interest in leading separate lives if we are together", this is the simplest statement I have seen yet that fully captures my thoughts on the subject. 

Your question about simply "existing in a relationship?"; living with someone and merely being a bystander is painful and can take its toll on you in so many ways.  I have found that the longer I stay the more I am losing myself because I worry about him too much.  All of my energy is being put toward fixing a problem that I know I can't fix.  I can't grasp this "letting go" thing and it's because I feel like if I stop being concerned about the person I love then what's the point to even being there anymore?

I am on my way and now that I have started the process I am regaining some of my strength and determination.  I hope that you are able to find what is right for you and to be strong and confident with your decision.   

All the best,

Sally

notsonew1111 wrote:

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i just read a bunch of replies to someones post about what life was like living with an active a. many people said that they live separate lives from their a and are happy. so my question is are all of you just existing in a relationship? or are your need actually being fullfilled? is there still intimacy? would your a really stand by you through your problelms? or are you just standing by them thorough theirs? i see you are all faithful to your marriage vows, but are your a's? others have  said their a's are in recovery but are not living together. so basically you aren't with your a. your a is still in your life.... but do you have a loving relationship with them? is it 50/50? im so confused by all of this. it seems like many are just existing and are not really in love anymore. they love their a's but does the a love them? are you in love?

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I'll start at the end of your questions and work my way up.  Love is like a fire... to keep it going you have to tend to it, add wood, etc.  When you stop tending it, the flames get lower and lower until they are gone.  Oftentimes there are embers still burning under all the ash, unseen but still there.  With gentle care and tending, those embers can once again blaze up.  Left alone they too eventually die.  My marriage has had its ups and downs... from roaring flames to unseen embers.  I believe both phases are normal and natural.  I also believe it is not just one person's job to keep the fire going.  Is it 50/50?  No.  I am trying to put in my 100% to the best of my ability and knowledge of today.  I believe my A is also trying to put in his 100% to the best of his ability and knowledge of today.  There are days I slip, there are days he slips.  We pick ourselves up, we make amends, we go on.  We were friends before we married.  We discussed our values, goals, etc.  I have been cheated on before, so has he.  That is one thing neither of us can tolerate.  I have NO fears that he would cheat.  We get mad at each other, we yell sometimes, then we calm down, we work it out.  We put our sense of humor to work.  Intimacy - when my disease was going full force, I was the one not doing my part.  So afraid of being hurt I built up walls, I'd turn away from him, I wouldn't ask for what I needed.  I did not tend to the fire.  Can I blame that on the verbal abuse from him?  Can I blame that on the drunken nights?  No.  I am the one who chose how I acted or reacted.  Did I stand by him through his problems?  Every time I walked away or put another brick on my wall, I was not standing by him.  With the help of this program I have learned now how to do that in a healthy way.  If I had not learned to overcome my own fears and resentments, we would have no intimacy today.  He too stands by me to the best of his ability.  There are things about me that he may not like, but he accepts them, he adjusts his thinking... and we go on.   Before Alanon I could not sit and discuss things with him that hurt without both of us getting upset and ending up in silent anger against each other.  Now we can by using the tools of the program.  No, he is not in AA but he had been.  He is active right now, he has been active since I have known him.  He is not the one who changed... I am.  I changed for the worse in my own sickness from this disease.  Now that I am returning back to the person I was and hopefully improving!! we are once again having a meaningful relationship.  It is better than it was and I am better than I was.  He will be attending an AA/Alanon conference with me this month.  Progress.  Does he stand by me, love me, fulfill my needs..... Yes.  Even when I couldn't see it.

sally b i believe you and i are in similar situations and would love to talk to you more so pm me anytime or see you in chat

-- Edited by notsonew1111 at 02:43, 2005-11-10

These are all questions I asked myself when I first found alanon.  I still love my A, but I chose not to stay with him if he was actively drinking.  He is still in my life, and is now going to AA regularly and undertaking counselling but until I can be sure he can progress beyond any point he has made it to before, and that he's doing this for himself and nto just to keep our marriage, we will continue to live apart, and he knows at some point this may mean him being homeless as his mum is selling her house and moving to a smaller place, but he accepts that thsi is a consequence of his choices.

We have just started 'dating' again, and I have to say he is looking great - skin is clearer, he holds his head up high, he feels able to take control of decisions and say no to things - but taking things one day at a time - its only 2 weeks since his last slip up.  I have much admiration for all those who are strong enough to stay with their A and live their life around the drinking, but that is the one thing I knew I did not want - wish I was strong enough to cope with it but I wasnt so I made the choice that I needed to make for me, and only time will tell if my A is truly ready for recovery and if he is, we will continue along the same path and if not, I will choose to walk away forever but for now, its looking hopeful.

 

My A is also still living in the house. At this time I have no thoughts of either of us leaving. We've been living this way since right after DS was born 13yrs ago. "A" recently had a kidney removed due to a cancer tumor so I thought it would be his "bottom". I need to accept the fact that it wasnt. Its hard to get out to meetings as I dont want him to know Im going.

The reason my A and I are living apart is so that we both can work on our recovery, his and mine. I decided that we I couldn't live with an active A. So he's in a program, and it's best at this time that we follow the advice of the councellor as well as those who know. That first year sobriety is really hard. But we absolutely have a stronger and better relationship than we've had in 23 years. I'm facing a bit of a health challenge (don't like the word "problem") next week and he will be by my side. He came home Tuesday and we spent a good 4 hours holding and talking to each other. My needs are most certainly being fulfilled. I am most certainly not just existing in a relationship. I have loved this man for 23 years since the day I met him college. I have never had any doubts about our love for each other. We have great lines of communication, and while it we've had a bumpy road this past year, I have no regrets. I think relationships get reinvented and have to adapt to the changing times in order to survive. We are all individuals. So because some choose to stay while others do not, there is no right or wrong way. It's what works for you, and what is in your best interest. Live strong, Karilynn