Here's the latest pickle I've gotten myself into....
Last week at our marriage counselling session, I agreed to put up with my A smoking pot at his
friend's house--as long as he left it there, didn't do it elsewhere,etc. This was our "experiment".
I knew that when we left the appointment that he had weed in his car--but needed to get it back to the friends house. Long story short--surprise, surprise--he never took it out there and he has been smoking in the garage and in his car. He also is depressed about work, staying home sick, taking sleeping pills DURING THE DAY and just generally checking out.
Yesterday I confronted him re why we are even bothering to attend counselling if he does not abide by the compromises we make. SO--somehow, I now have ended up with my husband's weed stash. I am holding it for him until he is able to take it to the friend's house.(an hour away) I promised I would not pitch it out--I realize there is no point in it--he can get more. Here's my thought. I want to be a person of my word--unlike him. I think I will keep it until he is going to the friends house (might not be til the weekend or even longer) I realize that this is anti--alanon principle in some way (3C's and all) But he thinks this will help, short term. I think that he is actually learning something about what an addict he is and MAYBE it might lead him to treatment.
I hate being so involved in his crap though--it so interferes with my emotional wellbeing and being able to focus on the things I am trying to do ( eat right, exercise, explore furthering my own career, being a good parent, hobbies)
Your ESH would be most apprieciated-
Jeanne
Dolphin123 said
Nov 9, 2005
Jeanne,
I know how you feel and have been in a situation very similar to this. My "A" actually asked me to stash it for him so he wouldn't smoke it all up at once. Well, I did it. Not happy that I did it, but I did. I asked myself why I did it and what my intentions were. It was not a power trip, it was not so when he asked for it I could say no, my "A" has a problem and he asked me for help. Plain and simple, that was what it was all about. He asked for help, I gave it to him. He was going to keep it in our home anyway, so me saying no was not going to change it. Also when it came down to it the less he smoked the less he spent on it.
So I hid it in a spot that nobody would find it.
It is hard to know where the enable line is. I am not saying what I did is right. I have no resentments over it, and I didn't judge him. It worked for me at that time, and I can't say honestly if I would do it again if asked. I just felt weird about it, but that was because I wasn't sure if I did the right thing.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense.
Much Love,
rosie light shines said
Nov 9, 2005
jeannie, my A went to *weed* to try and bargain with me....like he said to me "i'll only do it at so and so's house" cause smoke makes my allergies kick up....i let him do it...i mean this was B4 recovery so i let him do it...pretty soon the stuff was in our car/ house, and he escallated with it......my A brother does the same thing to my sister with whom he worked and lived......she finally said "recovery.....ABSTINENCE from substances or OUT"!!!! he ended up leaving cause she was going to make him leave...........
we are learning NOT to enable (the only A's in my life now are my 2 brothers....) i love them, but NO using aroudn me......and NO way would i let one live with me......RECOVERY or zero!!!! cause look at us....we aer in recovery, we can't do without it...why can they?????? they can't......my A brother wants to move here with me.......i said FIRST minimum year of recovery or *no go*.............i love my alkie brothrs, and my druggie daughter, but NONE of them are living in My house with me till they have been in recovery for a WHILE...........i wish you the best!!!! hugs/ rosie
Emmie11 said
Nov 9, 2005
Jeannie,
My suggestion is to turn to your Al-Anon literature and read on detachment and boundaries. I also suggest attending face to face meetings in addition to your counseling. If you already go to face to face, double up on the meetings, use your phone list between meetings, and most importantly, call your sponsor or choose one if you do not have one.
This disease is not only cunning, baffling and powerful for the person who drinks the alcohol or takes the drugs, it is for us too, and without the objective help of people who understand the nature of the problems we are facing, we can easily get lost in our good intentions and at the hand of our sick and manipulative loved ones.
Emmie
Jeannie said
Nov 9, 2005
Jeanne,
When my husband and I went to marriage counceling, we agreed to be honest and to abide by teh suggestions of the counselor.
There was no honesty, my husband told the truth as he saw it. As far as accepting any suggestions from the counselor, he meant only the ones he liked. Since the counselor picked him as an alcoholic right form the start, and the couselot said he should get help for his drinking, it went out the window.
Most A's or Addicts will not stick to their words or compromise. They klie, plain and simple.
Many years ago, I made a bargain with my husband. I would put 12 beers in the fridge each week, no more. Well those beers just sat there, he barely ever touched them, but he drank a whole lot more that where hidden around the property. In his mind he was keeping the bargain.
Jeanne,
I know how you feel and have been in a situation very similar to this. My "A" actually asked me to stash it for him so he wouldn't smoke it all up at once.
Well, I did it. Not happy that I did it, but I did. I asked myself why I did it and what my intentions were. It was not a power trip, it was not so when he asked for it I could say no, my "A" has a problem and he asked me for help. Plain and simple, that was what it was all about. He asked for help, I gave it to him. He was going to keep it in our home anyway, so me saying no was not going to change it. Also when it came down to it the less he smoked the less he spent on it.
So I hid it in a spot that nobody would find it.
It is hard to know where the enable line is. I am not saying what I did is right. I have no resentments over it, and I didn't judge him. It worked for me at that time, and I can't say honestly if I would do it again if asked. I just felt weird about it, but that was because I wasn't sure if I did the right thing.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense.
Much Love,
jeannie, my A went to *weed* to try and bargain with me....like he said to me "i'll only do it at so and so's house" cause smoke makes my allergies kick up....i let him do it...i mean this was B4 recovery so i let him do it...pretty soon the stuff was in our car/ house, and he escallated with it......my A brother does the same thing to my sister with whom he worked and lived......she finally said "recovery.....ABSTINENCE from substances or OUT"!!!! he ended up leaving cause she was going to make him leave...........
we are learning NOT to enable (the only A's in my life now are my 2 brothers....) i love them, but NO using aroudn me......and NO way would i let one live with me......RECOVERY or zero!!!! cause look at us....we aer in recovery, we can't do without it...why can they?????? they can't......my A brother wants to move here with me.......i said FIRST minimum year of recovery or *no go*.............i love my alkie brothrs, and my druggie daughter, but NONE of them are living in My house with me till they have been in recovery for a WHILE...........i wish you the best!!!! hugs/ rosie
Jeannie,
My suggestion is to turn to your Al-Anon literature and read on detachment and boundaries. I also suggest attending face to face meetings in addition to your counseling. If you already go to face to face, double up on the meetings, use your phone list between meetings, and most importantly, call your sponsor or choose one if you do not have one.
This disease is not only cunning, baffling and powerful for the person who drinks the alcohol or takes the drugs, it is for us too, and without the objective help of people who understand the nature of the problems we are facing, we can easily get lost in our good intentions and at the hand of our sick and manipulative loved ones.
Emmie
Jeanne,
When my husband and I went to marriage counceling, we agreed to be honest and to abide by teh suggestions of the counselor.
There was no honesty, my husband told the truth as he saw it. As far as accepting any suggestions from the counselor, he meant only the ones he liked. Since the counselor picked him as an alcoholic right form the start, and the couselot said he should get help for his drinking, it went out the window.
Most A's or Addicts will not stick to their words or compromise. They klie, plain and simple.
Many years ago, I made a bargain with my husband. I would put 12 beers in the fridge each week, no more. Well those beers just sat there, he barely ever touched them, but he drank a whole lot more that where hidden around the property. In his mind he was keeping the bargain.
Be careful, what lines you are willing to cross.
Love Jeannie