I am so very mixed up or something. since my friend Donna died, I can't get with the program, I can't sit still, I can't stay in a meeting for the full time, I'm bored, I'm fidgeting, I'm restless. I think why her? why not me? I am just about to EXPLODE!!!! I can't get the feelings out, no one will listen and care. my family just thinks I'm silly cause I cared about my friend and I shouldn't be grieving anymore. I didn't think she'd be gone so soon! and I didn't say what I needed to be saying to her! I thought there'd be more time and I know I don't control that, but why didn't I when I had a chance? I was afraid something would happen the night I stayed with her, and I came home in a panic that night cause I was so nervous. And I can't get a hold on anything and I am isolating and am so sad and gloomy that I figure no one wants to talk to me, but I didn't get to go to her funeral and I just feel so much more empty inside! I try to act like everythings alright with me cause I know how people get tired of someone who keeps talking about the same thing, but I'm not alright, but I don't know how to explain what's going on inside of me! It's just .......too much and I know I'm not dealing with it very well at all. Maybe I need to go back to counseling or something, I sure can't talk to anyone in my family about it. That's just so stupid that you cant' be a real person with your own family, you're not allowed to feel, it's so stupid!!! It's just making me crazy like I'm going to burst inside and everythings going to be insideout! I just don't even feel like myself anymore.
Anyone else here ever overcome these feelings of total depression and guilt for being here?
I just don't know how I can keep it inside much longer,and not just burst into bits and pieces.
No one would even return my phone call for an address to send a condolence card to...the world is getting to be an unfeeling place.
nikkilou said
Nov 8, 2005
Joni,
When my grand mother died I was not there. She was in AZ and I came back to boston a week or so before. My Cousin me and said she tried to reach grammy and a women picked up the phone and said sorry she can't talk she is going to die now. I called right away and the women picked up. I told her to put the phone to her ear I yelled int ot the phone grammy I LOVE YOU GRAMMY I LOVE YOU. why had i not told her all i wanted to when i was ther. Hhow much she ment to me. You she was the person i looked up to all my life. How I wish i could be the person she was. Half the person she was. For a long time it bothered me. How my faimly just sold the house and her stuff so quick after. I need more time to find peace. I took a long time I still cry when i think of her. When i came to alanon and was mad a god she became my HP untill i was ready for god to be in my life again.
Not sure where I'm going with this but let your feeing out here. WWrite what you would have told her. It will help.
NIKKILOU
Emmie11 said
Nov 9, 2005
Joni,
I know exactly how you feel and have been there too.
If you missed the funeral, can you go someplace (to church, to a park, the botanical gardens, to someplace you think she would have liked or where you have been together) and honor your friend yourself somehow, in a personal way-- in a way that she would have appreciated, in a way to let yourself tell her a real goodbye? Read a poem, walk in nature, release balloons, light a candle, write a card to her family or a letter to her telling her everything you wished you had said , all the things you are feeling, and then "send" it by (safely and responsibly) setting it on fire. Be creative with this gesture, whatever it is, and make it real for yourself and special to commemorate and celebrate her life.
Based on similar experiences in my own life, I suggest you let yourself truly feel your feelings, rather than stuffing them or living in them indefinitely.If you don't, you can get bogged down in them like we do in all the emotions we bottle up from living with alcoholism. Not dealing with grief in a constructive way can make us just as inert, paralyzed, and detached from the sunlight of HP's spirit as the disease we are all here to combat. Practice steps one, two and three, and resist the urge to isolate if you possibly can. If you are struggling with that, try praying for the willingness to share yourself with others-- remember, you do not know what you are costing others when you withhold yourself and do not share your gifts, even if it is just a gift of your silent presence at a meeting.
Once you have given yourself permission to grieve and have done so, what will be critical is that you then let the past go, because you can't change it. Focus on the good memories of your friend and the happiness you shared-- be grateful for the time you had together instead of worrying now about things left unsaid and undone. You are powerless over the past, but what you have control over, with God's help, is your own thoughts and your own actions, and what happens today.
You sound like you are being very hard on yourself... consider working with your sponsor or a friend in the program to be sure you forgive yourself in this for anything you are blaming yourself for, and to forgive your friend for unexpectedly leaving. Maybe it would be appropriate to make a living amends to yourself and to her by making sure you learn from this experience and do not waste precious time with friends and loved ones who are still here. None of us know how long we have here, so based on my experience the best thing I know to to suggest you do is to live your own life life to the best of your ability with joy, a peaceful heart, enjoyment, and both inward and outward love, one day at a time.
I have been where you are, Joni, and I promise this too shall pass. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself, and stay close to the program.
Thinking of you,
Emmie
chrissy said
Nov 9, 2005
listen to nikkilou & emmie. i think thats a great idea you should write what you wanted to say to her here . my husband was out of town when his dad died and no one told him he was devistated this was in 1994. it still bugs him one day i said lets go to the cemetery & pay your respects to your dad.. he needed closeure & so do you .why not try that also.
take care chrissy
-- Edited by chrissy at 00:13, 2005-11-09
-- Edited by chrissy at 00:14, 2005-11-09
danz123 said
Nov 9, 2005
(((((((((Joni)))))
I have been there. I know how you are feeling. My best friend died over a year ago. The last month of her life I limited myself to phonecalls. I too thought she had more time. I wish I had spent more time with her. The reality is that I didn't. I still miss picking up the phone to share the good and the bad with her. She was always there for me and I beat myself up for a long time thinking about what I should have and could have done.
Remember that you are where you are suppose to be right now. It is true that time heals. Grieve the loss. It's ok to be sad. I know that she is not in pain any more and it's the way it was meant to be. I have so many good memories that I cherish, and thank God that she was a part of my life. I am so grateful for that. It helps me to keep in touch with her family. I still talk to her whenever something good or bad happens and I know that she hears me. Be gentle with you Joni.
hugs,
danz
tea2 said
Nov 9, 2005
(((Joni))) I read this and needed to think a bit... I have lost a few close family members over the years. What comes to mind is what my mother told me. She was given three to four months and passed in only two. She was 46 and I was only 22. I was too upset to think and so beside myself. She wanted her ashes where the river met the ocean, her favorite place she visited. I thought but mom where will I go to pray, where will I be placed when it's my time, I wish to be next to you. What she said was Tracey, I will be wherever you pray you don't need a grave to pray. Yes this does take time to understand. So now when my son hits a home run I look up and think, mom did you see what your grandson did? When things start turning ugly, I ask my mom to please pass me some of the grace she would have had how to handle it. No matter which church I go to, where I may be or what the circumstances are I am able to do this because of what she had said. Also I will add was, she said "After time it does get easier, the pain eases" I can tell you that it truly does. I am now able to think of the good not the what if's. Perhaps instead of trying to mail a remembrance card you could plant one of her favorite trees or donate to a charity or even your time? This will help you keep her alive in your heart for always. Take care - many wishes, Tracey (tea2)
david62 said
Nov 9, 2005
((((Joni))))
Be gentle on yourself. I too think writing the letter to your friend is a good idea, and let me add to that just a bit...while your writing the letter if you need to cry...cry. Stop writing and cry. Then try writing some more and if you start to cry again..stop writing and cry---get it all out.
Wonderful suggestions from the others who have written to you here. I know that your friend knew you loved her, and just as my HP knows things that I keep in my heart that I never directly pray to Him, the people we love and who love us know those things that we never say to each other.
Hang in there Joni, and keep going to those meetings and sharing.
Yours in Recovery,
David
leo said
Nov 9, 2005
Hi Joni,
My best friend who was my kindred spirit died nearly 10 years ago at the age of 35 from cancer. I talk to her everyday even about stupid things that we would laugh over. Reach out to your friend she knows how much you loved her. When you are feeling down or guilty go out to the brightest star in the sky and acknowledge her. Hope this helps. Luv Leo x
-- Edited by leo at 08:39, 2005-11-09
jonibaloni21 said
Nov 9, 2005
THANKS EVERYBODY WHO HAS REPLIED, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT AND ALL YOUR SUGGESTIONS AND THOUGHTS . IT HELPS TO KNOW I'M NOT ALONE!
abbyal said
Nov 9, 2005
Hello Joanie I believe it's called survivors guilt, why her not me? Why you think u deserve to die I don't know guess you will have to figure that one out yourself. Grieving takes time your friends and family just don't understand that yet. When my best friend was killed in April of this yr I instantly remembered what she always always said. nothing absolutley nothing happens in God/s world by mistake. We were together that nite too = 5 min later she was dead killed by a drunk driver my friend was a 30 yr member of this program just didnt seem fair.
She also always said that life isn't fair you go with what your given , it's not about you anyway it's about what u could give back. That keeps me from wallowing because my friend was so dedicated to helping us recover it's what u give . God simply isn't thru with you yet Joanie he has plans. Your friend would not want you to grieve to the point of loosing your way. One foot in front of the other will get u to where u need to be. force yourself to go out isolation is dangerous for us. Keep the focus on yourself remember and honor your friends memory . One day at a time. This Too Shall Pass. Louise
Lauren ashley said
Nov 10, 2005
((((((joni)))))))))
I know I may be young,but I know how it feels to not be able to express how you are feeling to your family...You have every right to be sad that your friend died.Remember this though she is in a better place...Where she will suffer no more...
I just saw this post..I don't know how old is is,but you are never alone...Even in your darkest hours God is there
I am so very mixed up or something. since my friend Donna died, I can't get with the program, I can't sit still, I can't stay in a meeting for the full time, I'm bored, I'm fidgeting, I'm restless. I think why her? why not me? I am just about to EXPLODE!!!! I can't get the feelings out, no one will listen and care. my family just thinks I'm silly cause I cared about my friend and I shouldn't be grieving anymore. I didn't think she'd be gone so soon! and I didn't say what I needed to be saying to her! I thought there'd be more time and I know I don't control that, but why didn't I when I had a chance? I was afraid something would happen the night I stayed with her, and I came home in a panic that night cause I was so nervous. And I can't get a hold on anything and I am isolating and am so sad and gloomy that I figure no one wants to talk to me, but I didn't get to go to her funeral and I just feel so much more empty inside! I try to act like everythings alright with me cause I know how people get tired of someone who keeps talking about the same thing, but I'm not alright, but I don't know how to explain what's going on inside of me! It's just .......too much and I know I'm not dealing with it very well at all. Maybe I need to go back to counseling or something, I sure can't talk to anyone in my family about it. That's just so stupid that you cant' be a real person with your own family, you're not allowed to feel, it's so stupid!!! It's just making me crazy like I'm going to burst inside and everythings going to be insideout! I just don't even feel like myself anymore.
Anyone else here ever overcome these feelings of total depression and guilt for being here?
I just don't know how I can keep it inside much longer,and not just burst into bits and pieces.
No one would even return my phone call for an address to send a condolence card to...the world is getting to be an unfeeling place.
Joni,
When my grand mother died I was not there. She was in AZ and I came back to boston a week or so before. My Cousin me and said she tried to reach grammy and a women picked up the phone and said sorry she can't talk she is going to die now. I called right away and the women picked up. I told her to put the phone to her ear I yelled int ot the phone grammy I LOVE YOU GRAMMY I LOVE YOU. why had i not told her all i wanted to when i was ther. Hhow much she ment to me. You she was the person i looked up to all my life. How I wish i could be the person she was. Half the person she was. For a long time it bothered me. How my faimly just sold the house and her stuff so quick after. I need more time to find peace. I took a long time I still cry when i think of her. When i came to alanon and was mad a god she became my HP untill i was ready for god to be in my life again.
Not sure where I'm going with this but let your feeing out here. WWrite what you would have told her. It will help.
NIKKILOU
Joni,
I know exactly how you feel and have been there too.
If you missed the funeral, can you go someplace (to church, to a park, the botanical gardens, to someplace you think she would have liked or where you have been together) and honor your friend yourself somehow, in a personal way-- in a way that she would have appreciated, in a way to let yourself tell her a real goodbye? Read a poem, walk in nature, release balloons, light a candle, write a card to her family or a letter to her telling her everything you wished you had said , all the things you are feeling, and then "send" it by (safely and responsibly) setting it on fire. Be creative with this gesture, whatever it is, and make it real for yourself and special to commemorate and celebrate her life.
Based on similar experiences in my own life, I suggest you let yourself truly feel your feelings, rather than stuffing them or living in them indefinitely. If you don't, you can get bogged down in them like we do in all the emotions we bottle up from living with alcoholism. Not dealing with grief in a constructive way can make us just as inert, paralyzed, and detached from the sunlight of HP's spirit as the disease we are all here to combat. Practice steps one, two and three, and resist the urge to isolate if you possibly can. If you are struggling with that, try praying for the willingness to share yourself with others-- remember, you do not know what you are costing others when you withhold yourself and do not share your gifts, even if it is just a gift of your silent presence at a meeting.
Once you have given yourself permission to grieve and have done so, what will be critical is that you then let the past go, because you can't change it. Focus on the good memories of your friend and the happiness you shared-- be grateful for the time you had together instead of worrying now about things left unsaid and undone. You are powerless over the past, but what you have control over, with God's help, is your own thoughts and your own actions, and what happens today.
You sound like you are being very hard on yourself... consider working with your sponsor or a friend in the program to be sure you forgive yourself in this for anything you are blaming yourself for, and to forgive your friend for unexpectedly leaving. Maybe it would be appropriate to make a living amends to yourself and to her by making sure you learn from this experience and do not waste precious time with friends and loved ones who are still here. None of us know how long we have here, so based on my experience the best thing I know to to suggest you do is to live your own life life to the best of your ability with joy, a peaceful heart, enjoyment, and both inward and outward love, one day at a time.
I have been where you are, Joni, and I promise this too shall pass. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself, and stay close to the program.
Thinking of you,
Emmie
listen to nikkilou & emmie. i think thats a great idea you should write what you wanted to say to her here . my husband was out of town when his dad died and no one told him he was devistated this was in 1994. it still bugs him one day i said lets go to the cemetery & pay your respects to your dad.. he needed closeure & so do you .why not try that also.
take care chrissy
-- Edited by chrissy at 00:13, 2005-11-09
-- Edited by chrissy at 00:14, 2005-11-09
(((((((((Joni)))))
I have been there. I know how you are feeling. My best friend died over a year ago. The last month of her life I limited myself to phonecalls. I too thought she had more time. I wish I had spent more time with her. The reality is that I didn't. I still miss picking up the phone to share the good and the bad with her. She was always there for me and I beat myself up for a long time thinking about what I should have and could have done.
Remember that you are where you are suppose to be right now. It is true that time heals. Grieve the loss. It's ok to be sad. I know that she is not in pain any more and it's the way it was meant to be. I have so many good memories that I cherish, and thank God that she was a part of my life. I am so grateful for that. It helps me to keep in touch with her family. I still talk to her whenever something good or bad happens and I know that she hears me. Be gentle with you Joni.
hugs,
danz
I read this and needed to think a bit... I have lost a few close family members over the years.
What comes to mind is what my mother told me. She was given three to four months and passed in only two. She was 46 and I was only 22. I was too upset to think and so beside myself. She wanted her ashes where the river met the ocean, her favorite place she visited. I thought but mom where will I go to pray, where will I be placed when it's my time, I wish to be next to you.
What she said was Tracey, I will be wherever you pray you don't need a grave to pray.
Yes this does take time to understand. So now when my son hits a home run I look up and think, mom did you see what your grandson did? When things start turning ugly, I ask my mom to please pass me some of the grace she would have had how to handle it. No matter which church I go to, where I may be or what the circumstances are I am able to do this because of what she had said. Also I will add was, she said "After time it does get easier, the pain eases" I can tell you that it truly does. I am now able to think of the good not the what if's.
Perhaps instead of trying to mail a remembrance card you could plant one of her favorite trees or donate to a charity or even your time? This will help you keep her alive in your heart for always.
Take care - many wishes,
Tracey (tea2)
((((Joni))))
Be gentle on yourself. I too think writing the letter to your friend is a good idea, and let me add to that just a bit...while your writing the letter if you need to cry...cry. Stop writing and cry. Then try writing some more and if you start to cry again..stop writing and cry---get it all out.
Wonderful suggestions from the others who have written to you here. I know that your friend knew you loved her, and just as my HP knows things that I keep in my heart that I never directly pray to Him, the people we love and who love us know those things that we never say to each other.
Hang in there Joni, and keep going to those meetings and sharing.
Yours in Recovery,
David
Hi Joni,
My best friend who was my kindred spirit died nearly 10 years ago at the age of 35 from cancer. I talk to her everyday even about stupid things that we would laugh over. Reach out to your friend she knows how much you loved her. When you are feeling down or guilty go out to the brightest star in the sky and acknowledge her. Hope this helps. Luv Leo x
-- Edited by leo at 08:39, 2005-11-09
Hello Joanie I believe it's called survivors guilt, why her not me? Why you think u deserve to die I don't know guess you will have to figure that one out yourself. Grieving takes time your friends and family just don't understand that yet. When my best friend was killed in April of this yr I instantly remembered what she always always said. nothing absolutley nothing happens in God/s world by mistake. We were together that nite too = 5 min later she was dead killed by a drunk driver my friend was a 30 yr member of this program just didnt seem fair.
She also always said that life isn't fair you go with what your given , it's not about you anyway it's about what u could give back. That keeps me from wallowing because my friend was so dedicated to helping us recover it's what u give . God simply isn't thru with you yet Joanie he has plans. Your friend would not want you to grieve to the point of loosing your way. One foot in front of the other will get u to where u need to be. force yourself to go out isolation is dangerous for us. Keep the focus on yourself remember and honor your friends memory . One day at a time. This Too Shall Pass. Louise
((((((joni)))))))))
I know I may be young,but I know how it feels to not be able to express how you are feeling to your family...You have every right to be sad that your friend died.Remember this though she is in a better place...Where she will suffer no more...
I just saw this post..I don't know how old is is,but you are never alone...Even in your darkest hours God is there
Lauren~