I would like some input/ideas on confronting my a. Mine dropped out of program around Labor Day. I think she thought she could control it and then the first stressful situation came up and she turned to drinking. I believe she thinks the rest of the family doesn't know the extent of her relapse but we all know. Even our 14 year old daughter knows. I know not to threaten her with anything (unless I am prepared to follow through and even then, may not be advisable) and to muster as much compassion as possible but beyond that I don't know....suggestions???? Or do I say nothing and leave her to travel her own journey?? I can live with the drinking today, next week, next month but I'm not sure about next year.
Thanks, Mike
nycbt said
Nov 8, 2005
I am sorry but we don't really give advice. It is going to be up to you what you say. But remeber though the group is here for you if you need to talk.
captcodee said
Nov 8, 2005
(((cidboy))))
Loving an active alcholic has been quite a (rewarding) challenge for me.
I found that every time I wanted him to stop drinking, he got worse and worse. When I gave up, and let him be, we was gentler with me, and more responsible. Does that make sense?
Acceptance is the key for me. I had (and have) to accept that I am powerless. I can't control his drinking, I can't cure it, I can't regulate it, or even make him see what I see. It's like a bad hair cut, if he thinks it looks good, then I can't make him see what I see.
I started to second guess my perception as well. Perhaps I am wrong in saying that things are out of control for him. I have no idea what capacity God has given him. I think they are out of control, but with an honest look at Step One, I discovered that I was out of control! The only reason my kids identified that it was such a big deal is because I was making a big deal out of it.
Now that I have been given the gift of acceptance, I hardly react anymore. I am more likely to let it go (however hard that may be), and as a result, my home is so much more peaceful. I don't attack my husband when he walks in the room, so he is more likely to come home. I have stopped manipulating him into sobriety, so he is more likely to entertain the idea on his own.
We don't know God's plan, but we can certainly ask for strength and wisdom along the path. Our Alcoholic Lovers may be pains in the ass, but we are too...
Put your focus on how YOU can contribute to a peaceful home. I have found a way with an active alcoholic and two kids, so I know it is not impossible. I promise, it begins with us!
Keep coming back!
Aron in the Mountains
Jeannie said
Nov 8, 2005
Hi and welcome,
None of us know what we can deal with tomorrow, let alone next year.
You are very riight about allowing her to travel her own journey. That doesn't mean to make it easy by doing the things she should be doing. Allow her her own life, and her own consequenses (except of course if they are a danger to your daughter.) There is nothing wrong with letting them know you know they have relapsed. Ignorance is bliss, and denial loves company. But don't expect her to own up to it, that is part of the disease.
Don't confront her while she is drinking, it is a waste of time. You are also correct, don't make threats you don't intend to carry through.
If her drinking is effecting your 14 year old, you might consider Alateen, she is old enough and might appreciate the chance to work out her own issues.
The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, you are not the cause of her drinking and there is nothing you can do about it.
Keep coming back
Love Jeannie
Diva said
Nov 8, 2005
You must let her travel on her own journey. There is nothing you can do to stop it. How long can you live with the drinking? To each of us it is an individual decision, and only you can make that. We have all been there and have asked the same questions. Doesn't make it any easier for you, I know, but I sincerely wish you well. Diva
Dolphin123 said
Nov 8, 2005
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
With my "A" I know that "Just for Today" I can live with the active alcoholism, I try not to worry about tomorrow.
Let Go and Let God.
Much Love,
Diane43 said
Nov 8, 2005
Hi Mike,
Take it easy on yourself and don't worry too much about the future.
Hi,
I would like some input/ideas on confronting my a. Mine dropped out of program around Labor Day. I think she thought she could control it and then the first stressful situation came up and she turned to drinking. I believe she thinks the rest of the family doesn't know the extent of her relapse but we all know. Even our 14 year old daughter knows. I know not to threaten her with anything (unless I am prepared to follow through and even then, may not be advisable) and to muster as much compassion as possible but beyond that I don't know....suggestions???? Or do I say nothing and leave her to travel her own journey?? I can live with the drinking today, next week, next month but I'm not sure about next year.
Thanks, Mike
(((cidboy))))
Loving an active alcholic has been quite a (rewarding) challenge for me.
I found that every time I wanted him to stop drinking, he got worse and worse. When I gave up, and let him be, we was gentler with me, and more responsible. Does that make sense?
Acceptance is the key for me. I had (and have) to accept that I am powerless. I can't control his drinking, I can't cure it, I can't regulate it, or even make him see what I see. It's like a bad hair cut, if he thinks it looks good, then I can't make him see what I see.
I started to second guess my perception as well. Perhaps I am wrong in saying that things are out of control for him. I have no idea what capacity God has given him. I think they are out of control, but with an honest look at Step One, I discovered that I was out of control! The only reason my kids identified that it was such a big deal is because I was making a big deal out of it.
Now that I have been given the gift of acceptance, I hardly react anymore. I am more likely to let it go (however hard that may be), and as a result, my home is so much more peaceful. I don't attack my husband when he walks in the room, so he is more likely to come home. I have stopped manipulating him into sobriety, so he is more likely to entertain the idea on his own.
We don't know God's plan, but we can certainly ask for strength and wisdom along the path. Our Alcoholic Lovers may be pains in the ass, but we are too...
Put your focus on how YOU can contribute to a peaceful home. I have found a way with an active alcoholic and two kids, so I know it is not impossible. I promise, it begins with us!
Keep coming back!
Hi and welcome,
None of us know what we can deal with tomorrow, let alone next year.
You are very riight about allowing her to travel her own journey. That doesn't mean to make it easy by doing the things she should be doing. Allow her her own life, and her own consequenses (except of course if they are a danger to your daughter.) There is nothing wrong with letting them know you know they have relapsed. Ignorance is bliss, and denial loves company. But don't expect her to own up to it, that is part of the disease.
Don't confront her while she is drinking, it is a waste of time. You are also correct, don't make threats you don't intend to carry through.
If her drinking is effecting your 14 year old, you might consider Alateen, she is old enough and might appreciate the chance to work out her own issues.
The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, you are not the cause of her drinking and there is nothing you can do about it.
Keep coming back
Love Jeannie
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
With my "A" I know that "Just for Today" I can live with the active alcoholism, I try not to worry about tomorrow.
Let Go and Let God.
Much Love,
Hi Mike,
Take it easy on yourself and don't worry too much about the future.
Diane