Hi Everyone,

Well I thought I was doing pretty good on leaving my daughter alone. But today we went to Legal Aid so she can get a lawyer to find out what rights she has, Her Ex seems to have made all the rules and decisions. Then we went to the court house to file a complaint against him because he refuses to pay her alimony he says "she's not worth it", Then we went shopping, I bought her home and everything was okay.  Then she called me and asked me what night I wanted to go to my grandsons concert at the school.  She had mentioned that she calls him every night to say goodnight. So I said to her "Do you call Brainna? She said yes unless she's drinking she don't call.  I said well I was told that you don't call Brianna that often. She just said again she don't call if she's drinking. I said okay and told her to call me tomorrow.

About a half hour later I get a call from Brianna's other grandmother asking me if I was talking to My daughter, I said yes. She said was she okay when you talked to her. I said yes.  Well she said my daughter had called her to see if Brianna could come over tomorrow and started to cry.  She said I confused her so much.  Brianna's grandmother said "Linda, do me a favor and try to leave your daughter alone and let her make her own decisions.  I was getting a little upset because I would never do anything to hurt my children. She said Iwas always reminding her to go to the kids hockey games, reminding her to phone the kids, telling her not to forget this or that. She said she didn't want to sound mean or hurt me but she has seen me do this and she knows I'm only trying to get her to do what I feel is right but she's not like me and I can't expect her to be like me.

I don't want her (maybe I do)to be like me I just want her to do the right things and to pay attention to the kids activities so that they know that she loves them.  It's the kids I worry about what kind of long term affect will this have on them,  They are both gone from their mother one with his father and the other one with her grandmother.

I don't know what to say to her now I'm afraid I'll be nagging or not accepting her for what she is. How do I talk to her now? How do I accept her drinking.  She was doing good she never drank for 5 days now I'm afraid I made her upset and she'll drink now tonight.  What can I say to her that will be the right thing?

I have to get the book "Making them Sober" I have to learn somthing before it's me that drives her to drink.

Thanks for the letter Kathy S. I can't explain how you words are so comforting and helpful to me.

Linda

Sandy there is NOTHING you can do to make her drink or not drink. We have no control over it. Please don't torture yourself over this. It sounds like you have only your best interest for your daughter. The book is, "Getting Them Sober." It would help you so much. I love that book. Please take a breath. When i talk to my daughter now I just simply love her. I allow her to use her own power and figure her own life out. I trust her to make good decisions. I know how i felt when my mom told me she was proud of me. This is what they need from us. Of course we will step in if something is not safe. I guess it was a red flag to me that the other gma is telling you what to do and what not to do. It is one thing to offer your own experience and offer ideas, but to tell another wyhat do to is not my style. Anyway glad you are here. when you talk to daughter, ya might tell her you are proud of her and you trust her judgement and let her be a woman. When we hang on too tight, we don't allow our kids to learn they can do things themselves. much love,debilyn

Hi Linda,

First of all, don't walk on eggshells. Like Debilyn said, you cannot drive her to drink. It is her disease and her choice. Unless you are pouring it down her throat, she has a choice.

Please forgive me if any of this post sounds harsh, but I am a little raw right now, but I wanted to comment, based on what I live with.

Your daughter might be your child, but she is also someone elses mother. She has responsibilities, and obligations that she took on when she gave birth to them. While she is actively drinking, she is choosing to ignore these responsibilities. These children did not ask to be born.

There is more to being a mother than calling when sober to say goodnight. While it is important to be at games, shows, school parties etc. Those are the fun part. What is more important is to be there at 3AM when that child has a fever, or to hold their head over a toilet while they throw up, and wipe their forhead during and after. To clean, and kiss a cut on their knee. To sit and repeat mulitplication tables a thousand times. To tell them how proud they are as they read to you for the first time. To hold them while they cry over their first breakup, and broken heart. Not to be that broken heart.

I know no one can decide anothers bottom, but children feel pain when Mom or Dad is drinking instead of being with them. I know, I have six of them, who have had counseling, and the older ones have been to Alateen and they understand alcoholism, a whole lot better than children their ages should have to. I watch them cry after they get off the phone with Daddy after he starts his crying on the phone about how he wants to be with them, but can't. They then ask me why doesn't he get help and stop drinking so he can be a real Dad. They don't want to hear it is a disease. Adults can't understand that, young children shouldn't have to.

I love my husband, but I am angry at the pain that his poor choices cause our children. I have given the responses, he's sick, he loves you, he wants to be with you, so often I sound like a parrot, and guess what, they don't buy into it. They are children, and th eperson who is supposed to be their for them and protect them is not doing it.

He wants to come to all the "fun" things. He wants to trick or treat, be there for Santa, call and say goodnight. Show up at games and school plays, and act like the perfect Daddy. I see how it hurts them, when they wait for calls that don't come, or when he leaves after a game. He starts the crying and they get upset. It makes me furiouse, I have no sympathy for his tears, he is the one who can choose to get help. What choices do his children have.

I am not trying to be vindictive to him, I want him to wake up, get help and grow up. I am trying the best I can to protect my children from any more hurt than they already have had. They do better when he is not around at all, than when he pops in when sober.

His parents want to protect his rights. They want to make sure the kids know Daddy loves them. They want to drag us all through the system. My attitude is that he should realize the pain he is causing, and I know alcoholics when active can't. But as a Mother, there is NOTHING I would not do to protect and be with my children.

Maybe your daughter needs to hurt (and I know as a mother how painful that would be to watch). Maybe not being with her children at all would be her bottom. She is not a child, she is a woman, and more importantly a Mother. She needs to grow up.

I am not saying you should abandon her, you are her Mother. But they are your grandchildren. This is her disease and they are her children. Step out of the way, let her feel the consequenses of her actions, maybe she will get help if she does. Don't protect her, because in doing so, you might not realize it, but her children will get hurt. Love her, cheer her on if she chooses recovery.

Her children deserve a whole Mother and she should experience the whole realm of her children, but that will only happen if she makes a choice.

As I said please forgive me if I sound cruel, I don't mean to. The only way your daughter is going to hit her bottom and get the help she needs, is if you don't remind her of her obligations, and don't fight for her rights as a parent. Let her do the fighting, it is after all her fight.

                           Love Jeannie

Linda,

I'm very glad my letter was helpful to you.  Getting the book Getting them Sober is a great idea...but there's something else you can do that will make this time a whole lot easier on you:  Get yourself a sponsor and work the steps. 

I know I say that so often and perhaps some are sick of hearing it, but it is honestly what works.  It has worked for so many that you will only be cheating yourself if you don't make the effort. 

This program works *if* you work it.

As for your daughters drinking........there is nothing you can say or do that will cause her to drink, anymore than there is anything you can say or do that will cause her to stop drinking.  Step one tells us we are powerless over alcohol. Period.  That goes for making someone start or making someone stop.  We simply don't have that power.  No need to walk on eggshells around her, just be her mom and love her.