Sometimes I wonder what I am doing and why I put up with the things that go on around me. Does anyone ever feel that way? Is it low self-esteem, being used to abuse so much that it is comfortable for me to live that way? Well even tho I realize this, I still keep living that way. And even when I finally think things may go my way for once they don't. I was driving down the road earlier and I was so grateful that I was listening to some good music and that was enough to make me happy.
Then my husband comes home high and it's like I want to scream at him and kick him out, all the old scenarios come into my mind. It is hard to be civil but I am. I feel pity for this person that cannot stay clean even when he knows that it may mean going back to jail for six months. I wish I could force the hand to be played and find out the outcome ahead of time. The thing is his Parole officer told him that he will not put up with him driving a big rig high and would swoop him up and away he would go if he fails to comply with 90 meetings in 90 days and random drug testing. This is a new parole officer and apparently this guy has a concious and does not want an accidental death on his plate. I totally agree. I know I would get complete cooperation from this one should I choose to go there. Something for me to ponder seriously....
My stomach hurts and what the heck I am saying i don't know. I'm just venting and living the way I know how. Taking care of my kids and going to cook dinner. I logically know that there is no hope and have known it for a while so what am I doing? I love Alanon and will go read some right now to cheer myself up. Thanks for listening guys. I couldn't do it without you my friends
Love Julie:
abbyal said
Nov 7, 2005
There is always hope browneyes, step one says we are powerless over alcohol no where does it say hopeless. the only person u can chnge is yourself and your attitude about what is going on around you. Some days living with this is too much for us and we get down but with Al-Anon meetings and a good sponsor u will be ok.
Your husb just dosent beleive that he will get caught using while on parole , that is the disease talkin to him ( it thinks it's so clever) cunning baffling and powerful . At the moment this disease is running your husb life and calling the shots so stay focused on yourself detach with love and regardless of what he does know th at you will be ok good luck Louise
megan said
Nov 7, 2005
Hi Julie
I am doing well.
I baked some cookies for the first time in 2 years since we sold our home and moved.
I did it in my own apt with my new mixer J
Why do I put up with stuff? For me too it is low self esteem. It is also what I got conditioned to. What I got used to.
I think that is why it is called COURAGE to change, change is hard.
For many many years I just existed, doing the best I could because I did not know any better.
I am glad that the new parole officer is vigilant, that takes some of the responsibility (and guilt) off of you I would think
You are doing the best you can, and doing well. There is ALWAYS hope
Stay strong
Love in recovery
megan
marmare said
Nov 7, 2005
It is hard to watch the people you love hurt themselves. The one thing I have learned in the last year is to quit trying to interupt my HP work. Everytime I rescue or try to control a situation with my A, I am getting in the middle of the HP plan. I can only take care of me. It sounds like you are on the right road, going to read and make yourself happy. That's all we can do. It's so frustrating sometimes, I know about 2 months ago, I asked my A...."don't you get tired?" he said "of what" I said "of being hammered all the time, doesn't it make you tired" he said, "yeah sometimes it wipes me out" I don't like being tired, I like to have lots of energy so it is hard to watch him stumble around and try to focus on what he is doing when he's drunk. And then when the cocaine started up again, I knew he was headed down hill. That is when I asked him to leave. Although it was only 16 days, and he has only been home about that long, it seems that things are okay now. He has said that he thinks he can control his drinking and he is done with the drugs. I don't take anything he says as the truth right now, actions speak louder then words. You are doing great in taking care of you, it is hard not to ask "why" as in why don't they see? why would they risk? but it's the disease....take care, be gentle with yourself. Hang in there.
Hugs Mary
leo said
Nov 8, 2005
Hi Juli,
Just take one day at a time. That is all you can do remember the 3 c's. Thinking of you. Luv Leo x
Satori said
Nov 8, 2005
Because of my own abusive childhood, I did ‘put up’ with a lot of things in adulthood. I did have a low self-image and self-esteem. Yes, I am all too familiar with the idea that abuse “is comfortable.” Because I realized that was all I knew, that’s what I grew up with, and as crazy as it sounds the familiarity kept me living that way on many levels.
I spent $15,000 on a Psychology Degree, only to realize in my fourth year that I did not want to pursue a Master’s and become a Clinical Child Psychologist. Why? I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was there for four years to “fix me,” to find some answers about me. And, I was empty-handed in the end; just another example of things not going my way. Because, after all, what the heck am I going to do with my life now and I have all these student loans for nothing??? I literally fell apart, as close to a nervous breakdown as anyone could get, and started reading self-help books like the Courage to Heal. The book itself did not provide any real recovery for me, but it did leave me realizing how powerless I was in my own life because of my childhood abuse.
Then, in yet another moment of desperation, I remembered the college paper I did on recovery programs, specifically the Al-Anon 12-Steps. I started the program using the AA Book and meetings, not Al-Anon at first. I had to admit I was powerless over the effects of the abuse in my life, and given my desperation at that time, that was easy. Then my biggest hurdle was turning many, many things over, and trusting my HP to show me the “root” of my character defects and how to plant new “seeds” for myself to grow and become the person I am today. It’s been 11 years and I am STILL growing in amazing ways with the 12-Step Program. Some of the issues I had no longer exist, some still come up with certain life experiences and I have to revisit the “root.” But at least I know that I do not have to live and feel about myself the way I used to, with or without an addict in my life.
So, yes, I know how you feel. And, in my own experience, I can honestly say that really working the 12-steps, especially with a Sponsor, allowed me to look in the mirror today and say, “I love me, I really, really love me.” And, just as important, I love life. Not just the good stuff, but also the bad and indifferent, because that’s part of the growing process and a constant “test” of my faith to Let Go, Let God. Now you know where my slogan came from, “Live to Love and Love to Live.” I wrote that line in one of my Step journals a few years back.
I have many friends in recovery from High School. It is the nature of our times in many respects. Knowing someone or being in a relationship with someone in recovery or not, statistically is becoming greater than not knowing someone who ever had a problem. I am with a recovering NA right now. And, this relationship has made me apply a lot of the “tools” I have acquired in my own recovery. It’s not always easy. This relationship has brought to light many areas that I have grown and many areas that I still need to grow. But, it’s all good! Whether my current relationship continues or not, I learned more about how to take care and love me, I grew even closer still in my relationship with HP. And, my recovery continues to serve me well in a world that another person with some form of addiction or someone dealing with an addict is never too far away. And that puts me in a great position to do God’s will and be a part of the “bigger picture” of why we are all here together. Yep, all good, everything for a reason, I say.
So, yes, continue to read and work the program. There isn’t a person walking this planet that has not been short on hope, vision or confidence. By working our program, we gain confidence and new vision. As our faith grows, so does our connection to HP. HP is the source of hope; and all the strength and understanding we need. As always, take what you like and leave the rest….Yikes, a long one….Continue to do what you are doing and take care of you! I’m done.
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
nycbt said
Nov 8, 2005
Hi Julie
I two still live with an active person. I wonder to myself how much am I going to be able to take. How long do I want to suffer? It is a hard thing to think of. Every day is it going to be a good day is he not going to take off and leave with or with out my car. I sometimes wonder what keeps me here. For now I am attached to him and I can't move on. But I am hoping that each day I will be able to make a decsion since I am still young.
rosie light shines said
Nov 8, 2005
julie, i really hunker down on the step#1..........i am powerless over......................
step #2, my HP is not/ there IS a better way than this fighting it that i am doing..............step #3, because i know there is higher power/ better way, i am detaching/ dumping this onto the universe, and i am going to TAKE CARE OF ME!!!!!!!
than its step4, "what is the payoff??? what do i *think* i am getting by allowing this person to *jerk my chain*????? step 4 will usually reveal the *payoff or trade off* like we do our dysfunctional stuff for some *benefit* that we think we need??????? hope U can find some peace/ rosie
Hi everyone
Hope you are all doing ok.
Sometimes I wonder what I am doing and why I put up with the things that go on around me. Does anyone ever feel that way? Is it low self-esteem, being used to abuse so much that it is comfortable for me to live that way? Well even tho I realize this, I still keep living that way. And even when I finally think things may go my way for once they don't. I was driving down the road earlier and I was so grateful that I was listening to some good music and that was enough to make me happy.
Then my husband comes home high and it's like I want to scream at him and kick him out, all the old scenarios come into my mind. It is hard to be civil but I am. I feel pity for this person that cannot stay clean even when he knows that it may mean going back to jail for six months. I wish I could force the hand to be played and find out the outcome ahead of time. The thing is his Parole officer told him that he will not put up with him driving a big rig high and would swoop him up and away he would go if he fails to comply with 90 meetings in 90 days and random drug testing. This is a new parole officer and apparently this guy has a concious and does not want an accidental death on his plate. I totally agree. I know I would get complete cooperation from this one should I choose to go there. Something for me to ponder seriously....
My stomach hurts and what the heck I am saying i don't know. I'm just venting and living the way I know how. Taking care of my kids and going to cook dinner. I logically know that there is no hope and have known it for a while so what am I doing? I love Alanon and will go read some right now to cheer myself up. Thanks for listening guys. I couldn't do it without you my friends
Love Julie:
There is always hope browneyes, step one says we are powerless over alcohol no where does it say hopeless. the only person u can chnge is yourself and your attitude about what is going on around you. Some days living with this is too much for us and we get down but with Al-Anon meetings and a good sponsor u will be ok.
Your husb just dosent beleive that he will get caught using while on parole , that is the disease talkin to him ( it thinks it's so clever) cunning baffling and powerful . At the moment this disease is running your husb life and calling the shots so stay focused on yourself detach with love and regardless of what he does know th at you will be ok good luck Louise
Hi Julie
I am doing well.
I baked some cookies for the first time in 2 years since we sold our home and moved.
I did it in my own apt with my new mixer J
Why do I put up with stuff? For me too it is low self esteem. It is also what I got conditioned to. What I got used to.
I think that is why it is called COURAGE to change, change is hard.
For many many years I just existed, doing the best I could because I did not know any better.
I am glad that the new parole officer is vigilant, that takes some of the responsibility (and guilt) off of you I would think
You are doing the best you can, and doing well. There is ALWAYS hope
Stay strong
Love in recovery
megan
It is hard to watch the people you love hurt themselves. The one thing I have learned in the last year is to quit trying to interupt my HP work. Everytime I rescue or try to control a situation with my A, I am getting in the middle of the HP plan. I can only take care of me. It sounds like you are on the right road, going to read and make yourself happy. That's all we can do. It's so frustrating sometimes, I know about 2 months ago, I asked my A...."don't you get tired?" he said "of what" I said "of being hammered all the time, doesn't it make you tired" he said, "yeah sometimes it wipes me out" I don't like being tired, I like to have lots of energy so it is hard to watch him stumble around and try to focus on what he is doing when he's drunk. And then when the cocaine started up again, I knew he was headed down hill. That is when I asked him to leave. Although it was only 16 days, and he has only been home about that long, it seems that things are okay now. He has said that he thinks he can control his drinking and he is done with the drugs. I don't take anything he says as the truth right now, actions speak louder then words. You are doing great in taking care of you, it is hard not to ask "why" as in why don't they see? why would they risk? but it's the disease....take care, be gentle with yourself. Hang in there.
Hugs Mary
Hi Juli,
Just take one day at a time. That is all you can do remember the 3 c's. Thinking of you. Luv Leo x
Because of my own abusive childhood, I did ‘put up’ with a lot of things in adulthood. I did have a low self-image and self-esteem. Yes, I am all too familiar with the idea that abuse “is comfortable.” Because I realized that was all I knew, that’s what I grew up with, and as crazy as it sounds the familiarity kept me living that way on many levels.
I spent $15,000 on a Psychology Degree, only to realize in my fourth year that I did not want to pursue a Master’s and become a Clinical Child Psychologist. Why? I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was there for four years to “fix me,” to find some answers about me. And, I was empty-handed in the end; just another example of things not going my way. Because, after all, what the heck am I going to do with my life now and I have all these student loans for nothing??? I literally fell apart, as close to a nervous breakdown as anyone could get, and started reading self-help books like the Courage to Heal. The book itself did not provide any real recovery for me, but it did leave me realizing how powerless I was in my own life because of my childhood abuse.
Then, in yet another moment of desperation, I remembered the college paper I did on recovery programs, specifically the Al-Anon 12-Steps. I started the program using the AA Book and meetings, not Al-Anon at first. I had to admit I was powerless over the effects of the abuse in my life, and given my desperation at that time, that was easy. Then my biggest hurdle was turning many, many things over, and trusting my HP to show me the “root” of my character defects and how to plant new “seeds” for myself to grow and become the person I am today. It’s been 11 years and I am STILL growing in amazing ways with the 12-Step Program. Some of the issues I had no longer exist, some still come up with certain life experiences and I have to revisit the “root.” But at least I know that I do not have to live and feel about myself the way I used to, with or without an addict in my life.
So, yes, I know how you feel. And, in my own experience, I can honestly say that really working the 12-steps, especially with a Sponsor, allowed me to look in the mirror today and say, “I love me, I really, really love me.” And, just as important, I love life. Not just the good stuff, but also the bad and indifferent, because that’s part of the growing process and a constant “test” of my faith to Let Go, Let God. Now you know where my slogan came from, “Live to Love and Love to Live.” I wrote that line in one of my Step journals a few years back.
I have many friends in recovery from High School. It is the nature of our times in many respects. Knowing someone or being in a relationship with someone in recovery or not, statistically is becoming greater than not knowing someone who ever had a problem. I am with a recovering NA right now. And, this relationship has made me apply a lot of the “tools” I have acquired in my own recovery. It’s not always easy. This relationship has brought to light many areas that I have grown and many areas that I still need to grow. But, it’s all good! Whether my current relationship continues or not, I learned more about how to take care and love me, I grew even closer still in my relationship with HP. And, my recovery continues to serve me well in a world that another person with some form of addiction or someone dealing with an addict is never too far away. And that puts me in a great position to do God’s will and be a part of the “bigger picture” of why we are all here together. Yep, all good, everything for a reason, I say.
So, yes, continue to read and work the program. There isn’t a person walking this planet that has not been short on hope, vision or confidence. By working our program, we gain confidence and new vision. As our faith grows, so does our connection to HP. HP is the source of hope; and all the strength and understanding we need. As always, take what you like and leave the rest….Yikes, a long one….Continue to do what you are doing and take care of you! I’m done.
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
Hi Julie
I two still live with an active person. I wonder to myself how much am I going to be able to take. How long do I want to suffer? It is a hard thing to think of. Every day is it going to be a good day is he not going to take off and leave with or with out my car. I sometimes wonder what keeps me here. For now I am attached to him and I can't move on. But I am hoping that each day I will be able to make a decsion since I am still young.
julie, i really hunker down on the step#1..........i am powerless over......................
step #2, my HP is not/ there IS a better way than this fighting it that i am doing..............step #3, because i know there is higher power/ better way, i am detaching/ dumping this onto the universe, and i am going to TAKE CARE OF ME!!!!!!!
than its step4, "what is the payoff??? what do i *think* i am getting by allowing this person to *jerk my chain*????? step 4 will usually reveal the *payoff or trade off* like we do our dysfunctional stuff for some *benefit* that we think we need??????? hope U can find some peace/ rosie