SO yea.....

I hate my xxxx life.....I really do.. I can't wait till im 18... 4 more months and then I am out of this controlling life... seriously i do need a life...I hate myself for being so xxxx stupid sometimes

My aunt took my phone.... well my charger that damn bitch***********

she can go to hell for all I care..she does not understand me.. i paid for that phone because they took my other one away....Want to know why they took it away??? well because i was tlking to an older lady...lol a lady that was helping me....but my grandparents don't understand and they just took my cell away.... They said the lady wqas a perp..hello she was not we only talked about me and my life...nothing sexual ever... and now they unplug the internet and take all the phones up with them when they go to sleep..how sick is that???

Then they wonder why i cut?? or why i hate life??? well there is their answer...I think about dying everyday..and the thoughts just get worse as the days go by.... I wish i can just fly away... like a bird...I also sometimes wish that i can die in my sleep.. or just die one day.. I know I sound weird but this is how I feel..and if you are reading it and don't like it...take what you like and leave the rest.....

Lauren~

I pray to God to take me away with him and his angels..and I will be in paradise...

Lauren~

((((((((Lauren)))))))))) I am sorry you are hurting so bad.  Know that you have so many people that do care about you.  I have teenagers and well, they have no incoming calls after 9pm and no internet when I am not home.  Not because I don't trust them but because I don't trust other people.  My sons are almost 15 and the other is 18.  I meet their friends, they don't go hang out at people's houses that I don't know or that there is no adult home.  I do this because it is my job to take care of them, to protect them to the best of my ability.  I think sometimes they hate me but there are times, a lot of times when they crawl up on the king sized bed and hang out with me.  Or on Saturday my 18 yr old ran errands with me, we didn't really talk, just rode around together and then he baked a cake....you can look at my profile and go to my website to see my and my kids in the picture section.  Hang in there.  Be gentle with yourself.  I am pretty sure your grandparents mean well, they are problably old school and are doing the best they can with what they have.  Hang in there.

Hugs Mary

Lauren, sugar plum angel fairy,

You know good & well my story, u know how I was depressed & suicidal for 20 years & through some miracle of God that desire to escape the pain of my life, lifted.   I too prayed to God to take me but it will happen in God's time, not ours...  one day we will all die.  I am sad that I wasted so much of my life wishing to escape it, I am just trying to appreciate as much as possible now...  for tomorrow may never come. 

My mother always told me (esp as women) we all expereince pain.  There is pain of growth or pain of decay...  choose which will be yours.

I think the more sensitive we are, the more pain we are able to experience.  It seems like the humor & irony of God is gigantic. 

Surely the more aware we become, the more we perceive.

You are very loved, at least you know I love you & hope you won't hurt yourself.  I too am self-destructive, so I understand & am NOT trying to give you any guilt...  I appreciate you opening up to me.

We are just human & are doing the best we can.  I believe in reincarnation as I have told you already - that very idea has kept me from suicide many times as I do not wish to be born in a much worse situation.  I have a lot of Blessings merely being born an American (for instance). I do hope & pray to integrate my lives (passed) & desire to get as much out of this one as possible, as I do not want to come back - I want to go to God & be freed...  so I have a lot of deep lessons to learn, & actualize in my life, as apparently we have to be walking examples.  

I used to pray to be able to see myself through other ppl's eyes, as they seemed to think so much of me & I just felt lost & worthless but as I have recently realised...  I am only as valuable as I think I am.  I can only be treated as poorly as I am willing to put up with.

I am turning into a real survivor & quite a fighter.  I refuse to put up with being bullied or abused anymore, no one deserves that kind of treatment!

My prayer book says a broken heart & spirit is what is an acceptable offering to God...   well I give myself freely to HP as he/she/IT can see that is right where I am at!

((((((((Lauren))))))))))),

Just want to give you a huge hug.  I can relate to back them when I felt helpless and felt my parents were being "jerks" and yet I know it's not the same situation as you.

Please don't cut sweetheart.  That doesn't prove anything to them.  All it is doing is hurting you.  Now that being said, I am sure it's easier said than done.  Try Visualize all of us who love you so very much and who care about you.  Feel our support and love.  I watch you conversing in the room with many here who love you and hope you see and feel the love.

love Maria

Hey Lauren,

I hope you dont take offense to this is not intentional. You talk about wanting to die. There is a huge difference wanting to escape a situation you are in, and wanting to leave the world, and once you do something you may regret, it might already be to late. I know how much pain you are in i have been in it still am at times. Thinking about all that happened to you in the past and holding on it and asking why or even thinking about the bad stuff you did why did i i should... those things arent going to get answered you did what you did. Things past can not be changed. We need to quit hoping for a better past and work toward a better future. You said you had no life. Well hun only you can go get the life you want. Be the person you want to be. Forgive yourself. And maybe not see your grandparents strict rules as a punishment, however see it as a blessing, be glad you have someone that cares enough about you to want you to stay safe in a crazy world. My parents never noticed and i did some bad things and i never got caught i could of robbed a bank and they wouldnt of cared. Be glad you have your grandparents to care for you, you wont have them forever hun. You were given this one life to live, you deserve to live the life you want to live. Its not going to fall in your lap you have go get it work for it. So your life is a little f***d up right now, its what you do with it that matters. You can choose to stay angry and resentful or you can choose to do something else for you that you enjoy maybe that you havent thought of doing in awhile. Writing more maybe.. something nice for yourself. Hope this helped

love you hun

kerry

If you want things you never had,

you need to do things you have never done. 

My dear Lauren,

I can feel your pain and want to grab on to you and hug you so tight while you cry your eyes out.  Please dont cut yourself, like someone else said, it only hurts you and why would you want to do that.  I agree with Kerry, Live your life starting today the way you want it to be.  Do not dwell on the past, it is over!! it is done, unfortunatly you are not the first child and will not be the last child that was sexually molested and I do not mean that in any way demeaning.  I mean let it go, and if you need to yell, scream, freak out do it here!!!  we will listen we will not judge and we will all support you.  We are not able to give you advise but only encouragement.  You have so much life ahead of you.  Start making plans toward a better future for you.  Education or plans for a job.  like the quote above, if you want things you never had, you need to do things you have never done.

Keep your chin up, and you know what sweety, sugar goes alot further then sour vinigar.  if you continue to be angry they will continue to punish, but if you let go and trust your HP really dig deep and let go & let god, you will be surprised what might happen.

Look forward to reading more of your words.......

Yvette

aka sunny1

Hi Lauren,

Things may sound tough but you know look how far you have already come.  You already have the love of everyone here on the board.  A problem shared is a problem halved if you keep posting to us we can help you to heal the pain you feel.  Let go of your anger and seek a compromise with your grandparents and aunty.  When I was growing up my Dad was strict and it was always me who had tougher limits on me than the other kids.  If I was going out and wanted to stay  longer than my curfew I had to phone up in front of my friends for an extra hour.  I really hated it but deep down I know my Dad did it to protect me.  It is natural for you to test the boundaries as you are coming from being a child to an adult but remember to get respect you have to give it back.  Luv Leo xx