I can't thank you enough my good friends for the love and support shown to me and my family following my husband John's death.  My dear friend Flora123 [Maggie to me] also passed on your prayers and kind thoughts from friends in the chatroom. 

My husband was an alcoholic who sadly never found sobriety.  Three years ago he was diagnosed with a secondary killer disease - cancer.  There have been many many occasions during the past few years when we as a family have questioned why his Higher Power wouldn't take him and relieve him of his pain and demons.  But now I know why.  Five months ago when I was about to admit defeat and tell the professionals that I could no longer nurse him at home, the matter was taken out of my hands and a decision made for me.  He needed more care than could be provided by the Community services.  I had fought against him being admitted to one of the huge General Hospitals which I knew he hated, but god was on our side and a bed was found for him in a little [what we call in the UK] Cottage Hospital, a ten minute drive from our home.  He had his own room, a tv, and our Family Doctor asked me to provide his whiskey and she would prescribe it as medicine.   He was too ill to even think about detoxing.  All we could do was keep him comfortable and free from pain.

The miracle was, that after a few weeks of him saying things like "this is the best hospital I've ever been in ---- they give you whiskey!!!!!" ---- he didn't want it any more.

He died sober.  During the last three months of his life we saw the true man who had been hidden behind the disease of alcoholism for too many years.  My daughters were able to rediscover the father of their childhood and early teens.  My grandson, who had been at the receiving end of many many of his grandpa's drunken tirades, refound his 'Bumper' the man who had been a wonderful father figure to him.  And I saw the man I had fallen in love with 42 years ago.

Now then..... I am in no way sanctifying this man.  He most certainly wasn't a saint, but during the past three months we have all been given time to make our amends, see the true man.  I saw my daughters and grandchildren give him unconditional love.  If John had died three years ago he would have left behind him huge resentments, anger and unfinished business. 

I have no advice to give to those of you who are living with active alcoholism.  We all have choices.  I chose to stay with my alcoholic husband.  I still don't know whether that was because I wanted to or whether I didn't have the Courage to Change.  With the help of Alanon I managed to Detach with Love, then his cancer dragged me back into the relationship and I went through a stage of feeling very resentful.  There is no right or wrong way.  We can only tell of our own experience strength and hopes.

John left me a letter, at the end of which he said that his love for us was flawed and badly expressed but it was strong and real all the same, and then he told us to carry on with 'our own lovely lives'.  And that is what I intend to do. 

thank you all for reading this and thank you again for being there for me.   Sheila

Sheila, What an incredibly moving post. I am sitting here, typing with tears in my eyes. I'm glad you and your family have found peace at last. I can't help thinking that his last gift to you was his sobriety. He wanted you to know. You were very lucky to have that chance. He was very lucky to have you and your family. Thanks for touching my heart. Peace and love be with you always. Live strong, Karilynn

What a beautiful ESH as i sit here confused, thank you!

josey

 

Sheila, HP works in mysterious ways doesn't he? I'm so glad everyone found peace at the end. How wonderful for everyone involved. It is a true gift. Thanks for sharing that with us. Christy

((((Shelia))))

What I see here and from you past posts is what a beautiful kind heart you have - The strength you have is truly amazing. Thank you for sharing your inspirational story.

Many wishes, Tracey

thank you for sharing your story. i also have tears in my eyes i wish you and your family all the best

hugs chrissy

"John left me a letter, at the end of which he said that his love for us was flawed and badly expressed but it was strong and real all the same, and then he told us to carry on with 'our own lovely lives'. And that is what I intend to do." ((((((((((((She123)))))))))))))))) THank you so much for your post. The honesty in all the words is very touching. I never knew your story before today, but did read some of your previous posts. I too live with an active alcoholic. I made the choice to stay. I know in my heart that it is the right thing for me. We never know if the path we chose is the right one until we reach the end. I am feel so blessed that you chose to share your story here. Our men aren't always brilliant, wize, or even nice, but he said it the best "his love for us was flawed and badly expressed, but it was strong and reall all the same". That is beautiful, and honest. May God bless your life, and keep you strong. I see already that he has given you clarity on the situation, and I sense a deep feeling of acceptance. WIth love, Aron in the Mountains

Dear She123

(((((HUGS)))))) to you and your family, your story was a wonderful share, you had me in tears before the end, what strength and courage you have.  I feel peace for you and your family and that must be a wonderful gift for you all.  You are a true survivor.

Lots of love to you

Sunny1

Sheila,

Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

Sorry for your loss.