Ok today I am doing better, I had one of those light bulb moments. Also by me writing this may count as the daily writing I am supposed to do as per my sponsor's request (yes she is a teacher) so I will share and do my homework at the same time.
I know that I grew up in a less then ideal world as a child, I have learned what it was about my ex the A that made him so desirable to me then. I learned that I am continuing to learn. Gosh, feel like I have lived enough of a lifetime in my 30 something years.
I have had my plate more then full lately. I moved back to a nice town that has an excellent school system for my son, I say MY son because I am the sole care giver of my son. I learned that early on even though I was divorced from him and he still is in my son's life that I can't count on him being any different then he was (ever). He is an active alcoholic and substance abuser, very manipulative, selfish and abusive in so many ways. He makes a very good living and "functions" at some capacity that "suits him" and HIM only. Sounds all like alcoholic traits to me.
Here's the thing I honestly moved on from him years ago, I have. It's the fact that we have a child together that he continues on with his antics. I have gotten better, HONESTLY I have. Well guess what I "just" realized I should know better -That a move in itself is a major life changing event (it's in the top seven we can go though) That “now” may not be a time to go to him and expect him to act in a reasonable adult manner (re: child's needs) It may have needed to wait when MY life was not so upside down, IT may have waited until I was fully settled and in better health (another surgery this year) IT COULD have been better timing on my part. I now have a decision -take him back to court. I will repeat that his lawyers are in with the judges in my county. Court with him or at anytime is no fun.
So the lesson here: If "it" must get done and addressed to THINK -yes think first! Timing and fame of mind is everything. Ok that was my rant and the light bulb moment. Chose my battles wisely and to get a bigger saucer because I feel like my cup is running over. ODAT…
-- Edited by tea2 at 13:56, 2005-11-06
jrtjosey said
Nov 6, 2005
Seeing lots of progress in one post!!!
josey
sandie123 said
Nov 6, 2005
Tea~
I am glad you are doing better! Keep on moving in a positive direction and doing what you NEED to do for you! You are a VERY strong person and you WILL make it! Just keep your head up and keep on putting one foot in front of the other. Just think of the book The Little Engine that Could...the little engine always said "I think I can... I think I can" trying to get up the hills... and he always made it!!! You can do it and you will do it! Hang in there.
Thinking first IS very important! Sometimes it is hard to think first but just realizing it now is a good step!
I can relate to needing a bigger saucer and you are right that you must choose your battles wisely.
Best wishes and I will keep you and your son in my prayers.
Linda
Christy said
Nov 6, 2005
tea,
I loved your post. U go!!
I say... Get a bigger saucer/plate if you need it, but no one can make you eat what's on it
Christy
Satori said
Nov 7, 2005
Yes, yes and yes Tea! You are definitely on the right track. My ex A fits your description well. And, I too am a single mother of an only son. Knowing that I could not count on my ex for anything to include child support, albeit court orders are in place for that, I rearranged my life so that his child support is a bonus, not a necessity. It has really fixed up my house (lol) and provided some nice opportunities to do things with my son along the way. I let the State deal with him if he doesn't pay. I have full custody and he is only allowed supervised visitation, which he has never done since my son was born. So when he does "threaten" to come around, yes I get scared because of what he did to me while I was pregant (physically assaulted me and broke into my home-yikes!), but all the while I have to let go and turn that "fear" over to my HP so that my son and I live each day to its fullest. My mental, physical and spiritual energy need to go to the right places and not get drained by what he is capable of or the way in which he continues to harrass me. I could have taken him to court a few times over in the past years, but I just thought to myself that it was not worth the negative energy of it. Because whether he wins or loses in court, it's all part of the big "disruption to my life" game that he loves to play. So, I don't play. :)
He still sends ugly letters to me. And when I read them I just feel compassion for him that he is in such a bad place and cannot enjoy life and love the way that he could. He is missing out on a terrific kid that has a lot of my ex's good qualities. I will always love him (albeit not in romantic way), he is afterall the father of my son, and I have nothing negative to say about him where my son is concerned. I don't want my son growing up thinking that a part of him is bad just because of his father's behavior and addiction. Even at 4, I take him to as many Open AA/NA/Al-Anon functions as I can. It's important for my son to realize that we are all human, we all make choices that are not good for us, that doesn't mean that we are bad people. And it doesn't mean that he will end up like his father just because he is his son. Sometimes it just means that we need a lot of help to live better and back on track. I know my HP has a plan, it may include my ex hitting rock bottom and having a wonderful relationship with my son some day, and then again, it may not. Until then, I will continue to choose my battles wisely as they come up and trust my HP will take care of the rest.
So, I say, keep on keepin' on. The light bulb moment you had is one that I can completely relate to and I applaud and love your share on it.
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
tea2 said
Nov 7, 2005
((((Satori)))) I know we are not alone in al-anon and thank you for your share. My ex the A and I have been divorced since 1994, I was 23 when I left and 24 when it was final. Our son is 15 now and it's not any easier with his father. YES I limit the control he has over both of us. I have been working it out for many yrs, I am the cushion for our child. I do not speak ill of his father to him, his dad shows his true colrs all on his own (I have a broken nose as my daily reminder as well). Supervised visation is not an option, I have mentioned his "in" with the legal system. So when he feels like playing "dad" he does. It's very draining when they use the child as a weapon. TY again for sharing your e, s & h. Wishes, Tracey
Ok today I am doing better, I had one of those light bulb moments. Also by me writing this may count as the daily writing I am supposed to do as per my sponsor's request (yes she is a teacher) so I will share and do my homework at the same time.
I know that I grew up in a less then ideal world as a child, I have learned what it was about my ex the A that made him so desirable to me then. I learned that I am continuing to learn. Gosh, feel like I have lived enough of a lifetime in my 30 something years.
I have had my plate more then full lately. I moved back to a nice town that has an excellent school system for my son, I say MY son because I am the sole care giver of my son. I learned that early on even though I was divorced from him and he still is in my son's life that I can't count on him being any different then he was (ever). He is an active alcoholic and substance abuser, very manipulative, selfish and abusive in so many ways. He makes a very good living and "functions" at some capacity that "suits him" and HIM only. Sounds all like alcoholic traits to me.
Here's the thing I honestly moved on from him years ago, I have. It's the fact that we have a child together that he continues on with his antics. I have gotten better, HONESTLY I have. Well guess what I "just" realized I should know better -That a move in itself is a major life changing event (it's in the top seven we can go though) That “now” may not be a time to go to him and expect him to act in a reasonable adult manner (re: child's needs) It may have needed to wait when MY life was not so upside down, IT may have waited until I was fully settled and in better health (another surgery this year) IT COULD have been better timing on my part. I now have a decision -take him back to court. I will repeat that his lawyers are in with the judges in my county. Court with him or at anytime is no fun.
So the lesson here: If "it" must get done and addressed to THINK -yes think first!
Timing and fame of mind is everything. Ok that was my rant and the light bulb moment. Chose my battles wisely and to get a bigger saucer because I feel like my cup is running over. ODAT…
-- Edited by tea2 at 13:56, 2005-11-06
Seeing lots of progress in one post!!!
josey
Yes, yes and yes Tea! You are definitely on the right track. My ex A fits your description well. And, I too am a single mother of an only son. Knowing that I could not count on my ex for anything to include child support, albeit court orders are in place for that, I rearranged my life so that his child support is a bonus, not a necessity. It has really fixed up my house (lol) and provided some nice opportunities to do things with my son along the way. I let the State deal with him if he doesn't pay. I have full custody and he is only allowed supervised visitation, which he has never done since my son was born. So when he does "threaten" to come around, yes I get scared because of what he did to me while I was pregant (physically assaulted me and broke into my home-yikes!), but all the while I have to let go and turn that "fear" over to my HP so that my son and I live each day to its fullest. My mental, physical and spiritual energy need to go to the right places and not get drained by what he is capable of or the way in which he continues to harrass me. I could have taken him to court a few times over in the past years, but I just thought to myself that it was not worth the negative energy of it. Because whether he wins or loses in court, it's all part of the big "disruption to my life" game that he loves to play. So, I don't play. :)
He still sends ugly letters to me. And when I read them I just feel compassion for him that he is in such a bad place and cannot enjoy life and love the way that he could. He is missing out on a terrific kid that has a lot of my ex's good qualities. I will always love him (albeit not in romantic way), he is afterall the father of my son, and I have nothing negative to say about him where my son is concerned. I don't want my son growing up thinking that a part of him is bad just because of his father's behavior and addiction. Even at 4, I take him to as many Open AA/NA/Al-Anon functions as I can. It's important for my son to realize that we are all human, we all make choices that are not good for us, that doesn't mean that we are bad people. And it doesn't mean that he will end up like his father just because he is his son. Sometimes it just means that we need a lot of help to live better and back on track. I know my HP has a plan, it may include my ex hitting rock bottom and having a wonderful relationship with my son some day, and then again, it may not. Until then, I will continue to choose my battles wisely as they come up and trust my HP will take care of the rest.
So, I say, keep on keepin' on. The light bulb moment you had is one that I can completely relate to and I applaud and love your share on it.
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
I know we are not alone in al-anon and thank you for your share.
My ex the A and I have been divorced since 1994, I was 23 when I left and 24 when it was final. Our son is 15 now and it's not any easier with his father. YES I limit the control he has over both of us. I have been working it out for many yrs, I am the cushion for our child. I do not speak ill of his father to him, his dad shows his true colrs all on his own (I have a broken nose as my daily reminder as well). Supervised visation is not an option, I have mentioned his "in" with the legal system. So when he feels like playing "dad" he does. It's very draining when they use the child as a weapon.
TY again for sharing your e, s & h. Wishes, Tracey