To all those who are new to this message board, I'd like to
say Welcome!  My name is Kathy and I've been a member
of Al Anon  for  around three years now.    A little background on how I found this meeting....  I had been doing  everything I could possibly think of to make my husband stop using crack cocaine.  Needless to say, I had
become just about insane from my efforts and one night
in total desperation I was searching the internet to
find a NEW way to make him stop.  Maybe a meeting I
hadn't heard of before that he might be willing to
try, maybe some words of wisdom I hadn't thought to
say in the previous two years, maybe a new hospital I
could have him committed into since the previous one I
tried didn't fix him.....just ANYTHING!! 

Somehow in my searches I stumbled upon the
MIP website.  Wow.....there was something
for the loved ones of addicts out there?  I started
browsing thru the site and thinking.....oh my God
these people really understand what I'm dealing with
here.  They were pretty much describing my life to a
T.  I eagerly signed up as a member  honestly
believing THIS was where I was gonna find the cure I'd
been searching for for my addict.  These people had
been where I am so therefore they must have found the
*cure* I'm searching for.  I poured out my guts in my
first share here, I'm sure it wasn't all that coherent since at the time I sure wasn't.

Well, I started getting replies but felt surely they
must have misunderstood me.  They were saying things
like.......you are powerless to stop him from using,
there is nothing you can do, get out of his way, mind
your own business, take the focus off him and put it
on yourself.  Then they mentioned something called the
3 C's....I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I
can't cure it.  Well now I knew they misunderstood me
for sure!!  I knew I didn't *cause* him to be an
addict, heck he was an addict when I met him, they
seemed to be correct about me not being able to
*control* it because everything I did so far wasn't
working, but they HAD to be wrong about the part of I
couldn't *cure* it.  I mean come on, there HAD to be a
cure out there, I just hadn't found it yet!! 

This began my journey into recovery.  I posted some
more, got more Experience, strength and hope (ES&H)
shared back to me by members.  Now I was more
frustrated than ever.  Here were people who had been
where I was, then never did find the *cure* I was
looking for, and all they were talking about was me
changing myself, and leaving him alone as far as his
addiction went.  Were they nuts?? I thought to myself.
What the heck did *I* have to change, I wasn't the
one using drugs, not taking care of my family, getting
arrested and just making a total mess of my life and
everyone around me as well.  Leave him alone and mind
my business?  They HAD to be nuts, he WAS my
business!!  It was my duty as the woman who loved him
to save him from his destructive ways! 
Does this sound familiar to you?

If so, let me tell you what I've learned and hopefully
it will help you in some way.  I learned there are
many many people just like myself who love an addict or alcoholic, whether its their child, their lover, their husband or their parent.  I've learned they suffer the same
emotional turmoil and pain that I've suffered.  I've
learned that there is in fact nothing I can do to make
my addict stop using drugs.  Only he can do that when
he honestly wants to and only with the help of a power
greater than himself.

Some suggestions I can offer......go as quickly as you
can to the nearest face to face (F2F) Co Anon, Al Anon
or Nar Anon meeting that is available in your area.
It does wonders for us to sit among others in our
same situations and learn from their ES&H.  Get
yourself a sponsor and begin *working* the steps.  A
sponsor is someone who has benefited from the 12 steps
of this program and who will help you to work your way
through them and reap the same benefits.  Some even offer to sponsor online.   Get as much program approved literature as you can.  This can be done at meetings, or even through the mail.  Contact your local Al Anon office (in the phone book) and look into getting some literature.  The Big Book of AA is a valuable tool for our recovery as well as for the addicts. 

You will learn, if you tough it out and stick around
AND get busy, that the only person you have any
control over is yourself.  That means you cannot
*make* anyone else do anything, even if you believe
with every fiber of your being that they need to do
what you feel they do in order to save their lives.
When you begin to take the focus *off* the addict in
your life and put it on yourself, it will become
crystal clear to you just how unmanageable your life
has become.  It will also become clear that you were
the only one responsible for allowing it to become
that unmanageable.  It becomes so easy for us to blame the addict in our lives for everything that is wrong and to believe that if only they'd stop using everything will be ok again.   Remember, you can only control yourself.  So if your life is unmanageable.....there is noone else to blame but ourselves.  That's a hard pill to swallow, but when you begin to work this program you'll realize just how true it is.    While right this second that thought probably produces anger in you, in a very short time it will produce hope,
because you'll realize that if YOU are responsible for
where you're life is right this moment, than that also
means YOU can change how you are feeling.  You will
come to a point in time, IF you work the 12 steps as
they were created to be worked way back in 1939,
(tried and proven over many years) that no matter what
the addict in your life is doing right this moment,
you can CHOOSE to be ok and feel serenity.

Please feel free to email me privately (kathysctc@yahoo.com) if I can be of
any help in this journey of recovery you are about to
begin.

AWESOME SHARE - GLAD TO HAVE YOI IN OUR FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!

JOSEY

Wow (((Kathy)))

Thank you so very very much for sharing that!  What a wonderful introduction for someone new to the program or someone just wondering what al-anon is about.

Bless you!

David

Dear Kathy,

As I read your post it is as if you are speaking to me directly, that no-one else is listening to you but me!  I thank you for your message.  It does give us newbies hope that maybe just maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I think with all the support offered in the program, one cannot help but get better.  Recovery is hard work and will not come easily to all, you must be willing to make it a routine in your life or even a habit.  Recovery will become a lifestyle i think? That's just me talking.....

Thank you for your words of wisdom, once again my HP has directed me to words I needed to read.

luv Yvette

Kathy,

 

Great post.  You hit the nail right on the head.

NIKKILOU

Thanks Kathy.. That was a GREAT!!!!! post!!! Christy :)

Thanks Kathy

I wanted to bump this up for the newbies (myself included)