Well it was so nice to have my real high day with my kids on Thursday. It really made me believe that I was doing the right thing. Made me think that my HP was telling me something. I knew it wouldn't last but I wished it wouldn't feel so drastically different.
Today I never heard from my A. That is good in some ways but it also means that he did not start getting his things together to get out. There is always the little voice in the back of my head asking if he is still alive. It is day 1 and already I am wondering. What is it going to be like after day 10, 20, 30....
Today was ok... but definately no high. I still know in my heart that this is the right thing to do. If my A does not show up tomorrow I will pack his clothes and put them in his garage. I really am NOT looking forward to this. I am not looking forward to the next time I see him. I am once more feeling the pit in my stomach and am wondering why now!
I'm feeling confused and lonely. Confused about my next many steps. Lonely for happiness... happiness which I feel one day I deserve to have but am tired of waiting for. I am trying hard not to project anything and am trying to stay in the moment.. but that get hard to do over and over and over. I know things will get better but sometimes knowing it and feeling it are two different things.
I hope this all passes soon. I hope my A comes and takes his stuff and moves into somewhere instead of living on the streets. I hope that my kids hold up through all of this. I hope my HP keeps me strong and helps me make the right choices. I have hopes and dreams that are cloudy right now and maybe one day they will be clear and strong.
cdb said
Nov 4, 2005
Hello sandie,
Things will be clear again. This is a process and not easy for anyone. HP is with you and has a plan. I believe that. Did you put that happy day in a frame and hang it on your wall :) I can still feel and see it there because your happy day touched my heart. Expecations create resentments came to my mind right now. False promises all around for some of us with our alcoholics. If were never felt the down times, we would never be able to feel the happy high times or appreciate them. This journey is at times a very lonely journey indeed. You are not alone with alanon. You may feel alone but remember we are here for you :) Thanks for sharing your life and feelings with me and showing how hard you are working your program. Hoping for good things for you soon,,,,,,get that gratitude list in front of you,,,,,,I for one am grateful for knowing you :) cdb
Tammy said
Nov 4, 2005
Hang in there.. ! I would love to tell you that it will get better tomorrow but the truth is it will take time. It really is hard right now and all should do is focus on you ! Your husband is fine, probably doing what alcoholics do .. they drink.. When I moved out I did the same thing.. Wonder what he was doing was he okay?? Did he miss me ?? All kinds of crazy things run thru your mind. My advise is stay busy.. Take ONE DAY at a time.. Treat yourself to something you only dreamed of doing. :) Remember, it takes time..
Pray, and then sit back and listen.. That is the hardest part.. Listening to your HP guide you.
God Bless..
Tammy
canadianguy said
Nov 5, 2005
Tough times indeed Sandie.... but one of our key learnings, the Three C's, helps us understand that our "powerlessness" over them, goes far beyond the drinking.... Your worrying about whether or not he is still alive is natural, but the reality is you can't "cause or be responsible" for him to be alive, sober, drunk, mad, happy, or anything else....
You sound very strong in your program, and that is a good thing..... If I could "expect" one thing to happen, from my experience, is that he will come back, at least once, with 'promises' of doing better.... Whether or not he means it, or is capable of doing just that, is anybody's guess....
Hang in there, and keep reaching out.... you sound great!
Tom
Maria123 said
Nov 5, 2005
(((((((((Sandie)))))))))))),
The journey of 1,000 miles starts with but a single step. It is better to move forward rather than waiting on someone else. That's where the frustration and resentment begins to build. You will experience the 5 stages of grief as you process all of this and although it stinks, feel the feelings, go with the good and keep moving forward.
Keep coming and keep posting
Maria123
marmare said
Nov 5, 2005
((((((((Sandie123))))))))))
I am sorry you are hurting. It is hard in the limbo you are living right now. Try to remember you are right where your supposed to be. You will be fine, you are a strong person with more support then you even know. Hang in there. Read lots. Post often.
Hello sandie,
Things will be clear again. This is a process and not easy for anyone. HP is with you and has a plan. I believe that. Did you put that happy day in a frame and hang it on your wall :) I can still feel and see it there because your happy day touched my heart. Expecations create resentments came to my mind right now. False promises all around for some of us with our alcoholics. If were never felt the down times, we would never be able to feel the happy high times or appreciate them. This journey is at times a very lonely journey indeed. You are not alone with alanon. You may feel alone but remember we are here for you :) Thanks for sharing your life and feelings with me and showing how hard you are working your program. Hoping for good things for you soon,,,,,,get that gratitude list in front of you,,,,,,I for one am grateful for knowing you :) cdb
Hang in there.. ! I would love to tell you that it will get better tomorrow but the truth is it will take time. It really is hard right now and all should do is focus on you ! Your husband is fine, probably doing what alcoholics do .. they drink.. When I moved out I did the same thing.. Wonder what he was doing was he okay?? Did he miss me ?? All kinds of crazy things run thru your mind. My advise is stay busy.. Take ONE DAY at a time.. Treat yourself to something you only dreamed of doing. :) Remember, it takes time..
Pray, and then sit back and listen.. That is the hardest part.. Listening to your HP guide you.
God Bless..
Tammy
Tough times indeed Sandie.... but one of our key learnings, the Three C's, helps us understand that our "powerlessness" over them, goes far beyond the drinking.... Your worrying about whether or not he is still alive is natural, but the reality is you can't "cause or be responsible" for him to be alive, sober, drunk, mad, happy, or anything else....
You sound very strong in your program, and that is a good thing..... If I could "expect" one thing to happen, from my experience, is that he will come back, at least once, with 'promises' of doing better.... Whether or not he means it, or is capable of doing just that, is anybody's guess....
Hang in there, and keep reaching out.... you sound great!
Tom
(((((((((Sandie)))))))))))),
The journey of 1,000 miles starts with but a single step. It is better to move forward rather than waiting on someone else. That's where the frustration and resentment begins to build. You will experience the 5 stages of grief as you process all of this and although it stinks, feel the feelings, go with the good and keep moving forward.
Keep coming and keep posting
Maria123
((((((((Sandie123))))))))))
I am sorry you are hurting. It is hard in the limbo you are living right now. Try to remember you are right where your supposed to be. You will be fine, you are a strong person with more support then you even know. Hang in there. Read lots. Post often.
Hugs Mary