This is my question. I know I have to set boundaries and I know what those boundaries are but when it comes to telling my "A" what the boundaries are I am not sure in what format I should convey those boundaries. Does this make any sense? For example, if I walk up to my A and tell him 1. Name calling isn't acceptable, 2. you are to help with the finance, etc. etc. Then he will think that I am trying to pick a fight with him.
If I tell my A the boundaries right after they have been crossed then he won't remember because the only time he crosses them is when he is drinking.
I was thinking of writing him a letter. I would feel most comfortable with this and it would almost be like a contract that I have with myself that I could read and re-read on the other hand, I am feeling that I am trying to avoid the response to the boundaries by not telling face to face. Has anyone else been in this predicament and any advise would be helpful. Thank you all for all your valuable wisdom. I will keep coming back.
megan said
Nov 4, 2005
hi brakkenk
One of my first boundaries after I found alanon is that I would not enable my husband to get booze. I told him this quietly and calmly before he started drinking.
Once he was drinking and ran out of booze he wanted me to go buy more.
I said no firmly.
He said well drive me to the liquor store.
I said no firmly.
he became quite mad and charged at me. I fled to the bathroom.
So do not tell your A the boundary when he is drinking as he will probably get mad and probably forget.
I like the idea of writing them down
And THAT boundary was established.
megan
abbyal said
Nov 4, 2005
Boundaries are interesting things we set them and we are the only ones who can keep them. There is no point in telling the people in your life about them either they wil only go out of thier way to stomp on them especially a practicing alcoholic.
The way i see boundaries is example : I refused to be hollered at anymore so when my husb started his usual tirade many yrs ago . I stopped him and told him to lower his voice or I was going to leave the room he didn't so I got up and left the room, sometimes I have left the house. it dosent take them long to figure out u can't argue in an empty room and the behavior stopped. (I have to add that it was easy for me to do that as I was not living with physical abuse so didn't have to worry about leaving the room ) some aren't so lucky. If that is the case a couple of my friends have sat and listened for hours to a drunken A , by detaching they sang a song inthier head or chanted the serenity prayer over and over again. It does work. remember that it is booze talking and detach. Before I found the courage to leave the room i used to visualize a beer can in the middle of his forhead that just reminded me that it was booze talking not the man i married. thus i learned to seperate the man from the booze.
I also started to refuse to gossip so when someone started i would try and change the subject if that didn't work i asked them to stop or I was going to have to leave. They didn't so again I did.
I learned that the word NO can be a complete sentence if I didn't want to do something NO was sufficient no need to explain or justify just simply I don't want to do that . works for me/
Asking for financial support is something that I have never had to do, but many friends have you can set boundaries if you are the only one bringing in an income , then you are also the one buying booze (indirectly) if your mate in the past has supported you financially there is nothing wrong with returning the favor for a while if he has lost a job or is ill etc. my friends have set time limits to which they were willing to do that, when the time has come they stopped .
Boundaries to me are action , unfortunatley we taught people how to treat us by allowing unexceptable behavior for so long, change takes time and consistancy on our part is a must. good luck Louise
leo said
Nov 4, 2005
Hi Brakkenk,
I am glad you posted on this I have no al-anon in my town and have just started with a counsellor. I asked her one to one do I have the right to set this boundary etc? I haven't as yet set them. My A is not drinking but I keep putting off the time to do it. When he comes home from work he is tired and grumpy so that is no good either. Today is my day. It doesn't matter what his reaction is I have decided that I need to do this for me. I will explain to him this is what I am willing to accept in this marriage. One of them is going to be zero tolerance on alcohol. I have been down the comfort zone track too many times. I will tell him that if he chooses to drink again it is just that his choice and my boundary will be that I will ask you to leave or will leave myself. I will explain that this is not a threat just something I need to do to look after me. Gee it sounds so easy when you write it down. I will let you know how it goes. Keep in touch you might have some pointers I can use. Luv Leo xx
This is my question. I know I have to set boundaries and I know what those boundaries are but when it comes to telling my "A" what the boundaries are I am not sure in what format I should convey those boundaries. Does this make any sense? For example, if I walk up to my A and tell him 1. Name calling isn't acceptable, 2. you are to help with the finance, etc. etc. Then he will think that I am trying to pick a fight with him.
If I tell my A the boundaries right after they have been crossed then he won't remember because the only time he crosses them is when he is drinking.
I was thinking of writing him a letter. I would feel most comfortable with this and it would almost be like a contract that I have with myself that I could read and re-read on the other hand, I am feeling that I am trying to avoid the response to the boundaries by not telling face to face. Has anyone else been in this predicament and any advise would be helpful. Thank you all for all your valuable wisdom. I will keep coming back.
hi brakkenk
One of my first boundaries after I found alanon is that I would not enable my husband to get booze. I told him this quietly and calmly before he started drinking.
Once he was drinking and ran out of booze he wanted me to go buy more.
I said no firmly.
He said well drive me to the liquor store.
I said no firmly.
he became quite mad and charged at me. I fled to the bathroom.
So do not tell your A the boundary when he is drinking as he will probably get mad and probably forget.
I like the idea of writing them down
And THAT boundary was established.
megan
Boundaries are interesting things we set them and we are the only ones who can keep them. There is no point in telling the people in your life about them either they wil only go out of thier way to stomp on them especially a practicing alcoholic.
The way i see boundaries is example : I refused to be hollered at anymore so when my husb started his usual tirade many yrs ago . I stopped him and told him to lower his voice or I was going to leave the room he didn't so I got up and left the room, sometimes I have left the house. it dosent take them long to figure out u can't argue in an empty room and the behavior stopped. (I have to add that it was easy for me to do that as I was not living with physical abuse so didn't have to worry about leaving the room ) some aren't so lucky. If that is the case a couple of my friends have sat and listened for hours to a drunken A , by detaching they sang a song inthier head or chanted the serenity prayer over and over again. It does work. remember that it is booze talking and detach. Before I found the courage to leave the room i used to visualize a beer can in the middle of his forhead that just reminded me that it was booze talking not the man i married. thus i learned to seperate the man from the booze.
I also started to refuse to gossip so when someone started i would try and change the subject if that didn't work i asked them to stop or I was going to have to leave. They didn't so again I did.
I learned that the word NO can be a complete sentence if I didn't want to do something NO was sufficient no need to explain or justify just simply I don't want to do that . works for me/
Asking for financial support is something that I have never had to do, but many friends have you can set boundaries if you are the only one bringing in an income , then you are also the one buying booze (indirectly) if your mate in the past has supported you financially there is nothing wrong with returning the favor for a while if he has lost a job or is ill etc. my friends have set time limits to which they were willing to do that, when the time has come they stopped .
Boundaries to me are action , unfortunatley we taught people how to treat us by allowing unexceptable behavior for so long, change takes time and consistancy on our part is a must. good luck Louise
Hi Brakkenk,
I am glad you posted on this I have no al-anon in my town and have just started with a counsellor. I asked her one to one do I have the right to set this boundary etc? I haven't as yet set them. My A is not drinking but I keep putting off the time to do it. When he comes home from work he is tired and grumpy so that is no good either. Today is my day. It doesn't matter what his reaction is I have decided that I need to do this for me. I will explain to him this is what I am willing to accept in this marriage. One of them is going to be zero tolerance on alcohol. I have been down the comfort zone track too many times. I will tell him that if he chooses to drink again it is just that his choice and my boundary will be that I will ask you to leave or will leave myself. I will explain that this is not a threat just something I need to do to look after me. Gee it sounds so easy when you write it down. I will let you know how it goes. Keep in touch you might have some pointers I can use. Luv Leo xx