This week has been a tough week emotionally with me and my "a". We have been fighting like cats and dogs. On Wednesday morning we got into a major fight on the way taking him to work because he wants me to pay for his car insurance and his gas. He makes $7hr, which does not cover his end of the bills entirely anyway. I agreed to give him $120 allowance a month from my pay check just to keep him quiet. This week he says he needs a cigarette fund and now expects me to pay for his car stuff in March of next year. I simply let him know I cannot afford this I have financial responsibilities that I must own up to. He will not meet me half way on bills, so I already supplement his shortages. So, he really threw a big fit about it in front of the kids, spit on the car on the way inside to work and everything. I was shook up big time. He walked off the job and got fired. He basically said well i will never have a car your not going to help me and I don't make enough money to afford your bills!! That night he came home and my son said "I don't want to see Daddy." Our other son said " I don't like Daddy." I didn't say one word to them about their father or the fight, this came from their own minds and hearts, at two years old. All I could do was cry, I feel so guilty about the messages we are sending our children when we fight. I have made a committment to go back to counseling and anger management, I let my "A" know that he can't stay with us if he doesn't get help too. It appeared to really hit home with him also, he was devestated to hear his children say these things.
So, we pull out the helpfull hints on fair fighting from our previous therapist last night and we begin talking about the do's and dont's of communicating with each other. One of the hints is to stay on one topic, be respectful and don't bring up issues during stressful times. We agreed that after the children go to bed is the time to talk about serious issues, or whatever. So he say's well I have issues that need to be addressed that I have held in for a long time. I encouraged him to pick one and be respectful. He hesitated and said, no It will just make you upset and you'll cry and scream and yell. I said "Well if I get upset that's my business, it's not your fault for the way I receive it. I said " Just be respectful". He says that he is slowly becoming unattracted to me. He says, your weight is an issue for me and I am upset because at some point you'll be so big that you won't be able to fulfill my sexual needs. He says I don't want you to die early in life because you didn't take care of yourself now.
I have put on weight caused by my pregnancy with twins. I was a size 16 when I got pregnant, I've never been thin. I'm in a size 20 pants now. He says I don't expect you to be thin, I just want you back to the size you were before. I want you to exercise and eat healthy. He says, "If I can't get my needs fulfilled I'll go somewhere else to get them fulfilled". My argument is since having my children and living with an active "a" I don't have much "me" time. I get up at 5a.m. to take his butt to work, get myself ready, etc. etc. Get off work feed the kids, baths, and spend time with them before going to bed. My "a" says, I can make the dinner, give the kids a bath, whatever you want just do something!! This would be great if it was consistent, but we all know that "A" are not reliable and when they want something or have to leave, their gone, and we're left holding the bag of responsibilities.
Am I being too sensitive about his statement of "I'm becoming unattracted to you because of your weight and I'll get my needs met somewhere else". That's the most hurtful thing. If he approached me from a healthwise stand point, I don't think I'd be that upset, but when you get to the intimacy part it just hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I can't shake this conversation, I feel like the fat kid again that got picked on at school. All the old wounds from past boyfriends just opened right up. I don't know how to deal with this in my relationship on top of everything else we struggle with, this feels like it tips the scales way over and I don't think I can manage this too. My feelings are genuinely hurt and I can't conceal that today. His statement to me speaks volumes about his commitment and love for me. Why would I want to stay with someone like this?
Thanks for listening friends, HP will somehow reveal to me what to do.
nycbt said
Nov 4, 2005
Hi i am sorry that he said those things to you. I feel it is wrong. I have gained alot of weight since I meet my husband. I have started to lose it. But for someone to tell you that they are losing attration for you is a very hurtful thing. I would be very upset. Take care of your self. Try and take some time an maybe take a bath your self. You are worth it and don't let anyone tell you other wise.
captcodee said
Nov 4, 2005
(((((((((((twinmom2))))))))))))))))
Having small kids is tough, having twins must be tougher, and being with an alcoholic is rotten icing on the cake.
HOWEVER
there is hope for you. Boundaries are great. My husband and I made great head-way when we sat down and discussed the financial things out loud, and on paper.
I am currently in the process of making a large white board that gets put up in the Kitchen. At first I didn't want my friends to see my finances when they were to come over, but this is the only way that I can get my husband on board. I have it split into 4 large columns (dated with each of our two paydays a month) and 12 smaller columns on the side
in the 12 monthly columns i have a line for each utility/monthly bill. I put what we owe for the month on it, then allocate which of the 4 payday columns it needs to go to.
By keeping the 12 monthly columns, my husband can take a clear look at what we spend most of our money on, and get a good picture of where we stand. By keeping all the months, he can see the rewards of his cutting down on electricity, water etc.
By doing this as well, I show him that I am hiding nothing with the finances, even though he can NOT have access to our accounts. I still allocate the money he needs, but now he makes the choices on what he needs his money for etc. By doing this, I have given him some power and input into the situation.
As far as the fighting, it can begin with you. I keep three things in my head during the entire fight:
1. Keep it down. DO not yell, or call names, and sometimes that means I have to leave. I have learned now (through tough practice) that it is better to say "Hubby, I am too angry to have this talk right now, and I really don't want to start a big fight. (usually with teeth grit so tight it hurts)
2. Do not lay blame. Identify the problem, not the culprit.
3. Stick to the point.
Good Luck!!
Aron in the Mountains
Dolphin123 said
Nov 4, 2005
((((((((((((twinmom)))))))))))))),
Oh I feel your pain. I have gained alot of weight since I met my "A". Emotional eating and 3 kids have not helped.
My "A" and I had a talk about this recently as well. For me I have the eating well thing down, but the time to excerise is the hard part. SO we worked out a plan. I am doing my part, and for now so is he.
I can see why you are hurt. By telling you that he might go elsewhere, that to mean sounds like a threat. That is how I would have taken it. My "A" told me that he was unahppy with the way I look, and yes it did hurt, but I also know that his intentions were not to hurt. Can you talk about your hurt with your "A".
My "A" is willing to help me as far as I can go with the weight loss, I was also a size 16 when I met my "A". With my body type I will never be able to meet society's ideal, but he just wants me to be happy.
I wish I could give you a hug.
Much Love,
KathyS said
Nov 4, 2005
That was definately a very hurtful thing for him to say. Here is an exercise that I use in step 4 that helps deal with resentments. Maybe it will help you work through your feelings about this.
I am resentful at...........
why i am resentful.........
what it affects (what did they hurt, threaten or interfere with?
was it.
self-esteem? i am........
pride? No one should......
ambition? i want.....
security? i need......
personal relations? others should....
sex relations? men should....
pocketbook? money gives......
my role..... my part:
putting out of my mind the wrongs they had done me, where was i at fault?
where was I:
selfish?
dishonest?
selfseeking?
afraid?
and/or how did i place myself in a position to be hurt?
when i see my faults i list them
how do i treat others when i am in this role?
selfishness?......
dishonesty?......
self delusion....
1.....
2....
3....
basic delusion...
. i am afraid if......
. then.........
canadianguy said
Nov 5, 2005
Playing amateur psychologist here for a moment, it is entirely likely that the source of his frustration & anger is with himself, but he is most likely using you as a convenient scapegoat for that.... One of our biggest reasons, to have a good support and recovery program for ourselves, is that active A's will beat us down, to a point where we question our own value, integrity, and self-worth....
Be gentle on yourself.... his words are those of a sick man right now.... Get to know yourself, and get comfortable & "re-fall" in love with YOU.....
Take care
Tom
UncleLou said
Nov 5, 2005
When I was active, I used to complain and pout about my sex life. I think it was a good diversion to place blame on my wife for something to take the focus off of me. I've been celibate for the past two years in sobriety, my wife was so angry with me after I got sober, she had no interest in being intimate with me. Do I miss having sex? YES! Do I miss the intimacy? EVEN MORE! Is it so important that I would break my marriage vows? NO! I realize that this is something that has to be mutual and respected, something I sometimes didn't honor in my relationship with her. I want our relationship healed, if that is possible at this point, first and formost.
Lou
Maria123 said
Nov 5, 2005
(((((((((Twinmom)))))))))),
Good for both of you to recommit to fair fighting. When parents fight in front of their children, they erode their self esteem. :(
The more I tried to fix things in my marriage, the more he was able to adapt my systems (like fair fighting) to his advantage -- manipulation.
Yes, you work hard and have a lot on your plate and no there is no reason for someone else to fulfill their desires (while married to you) in another place ever.
But you did ask the question of him? I find I don't ask the questions that I am not ready for the answer to or the answer that I already know and am not going to like.
THE BIGGER QUESTION IS Are you comfortable with your weight? If you are, then just be you. If you'd like to change, then do so. He offered to take some of the load off you with the children, take advantage of that. Maybe you can't afford a health club (I can't either :) but maybe after dinner you can commit to taking a walk each night while he's bathing the kids. It's exercise. It's good for all of us. You can clear your head too, get some fresh air, begin an exercise program. Slowly but surely, keep building on the positive changes in your life -- drinking water rather than "whatever" grabbing celery with crunchy peanut butter (yum) instead of comfort food when we are sad. Just some suggestions given with love.
This week has been a tough week emotionally with me and my "a". We have been fighting like cats and dogs. On Wednesday morning we got into a major fight on the way taking him to work because he wants me to pay for his car insurance and his gas. He makes $7hr, which does not cover his end of the bills entirely anyway. I agreed to give him $120 allowance a month from my pay check just to keep him quiet. This week he says he needs a cigarette fund and now expects me to pay for his car stuff in March of next year. I simply let him know I cannot afford this I have financial responsibilities that I must own up to. He will not meet me half way on bills, so I already supplement his shortages. So, he really threw a big fit about it in front of the kids, spit on the car on the way inside to work and everything. I was shook up big time. He walked off the job and got fired. He basically said well i will never have a car your not going to help me and I don't make enough money to afford your bills!! That night he came home and my son said "I don't want to see Daddy." Our other son said " I don't like Daddy." I didn't say one word to them about their father or the fight, this came from their own minds and hearts, at two years old. All I could do was cry, I feel so guilty about the messages we are sending our children when we fight. I have made a committment to go back to counseling and anger management, I let my "A" know that he can't stay with us if he doesn't get help too. It appeared to really hit home with him also, he was devestated to hear his children say these things.
So, we pull out the helpfull hints on fair fighting from our previous therapist last night and we begin talking about the do's and dont's of communicating with each other. One of the hints is to stay on one topic, be respectful and don't bring up issues during stressful times. We agreed that after the children go to bed is the time to talk about serious issues, or whatever. So he say's well I have issues that need to be addressed that I have held in for a long time. I encouraged him to pick one and be respectful. He hesitated and said, no It will just make you upset and you'll cry and scream and yell. I said "Well if I get upset that's my business, it's not your fault for the way I receive it. I said " Just be respectful". He says that he is slowly becoming unattracted to me. He says, your weight is an issue for me and I am upset because at some point you'll be so big that you won't be able to fulfill my sexual needs. He says I don't want you to die early in life because you didn't take care of yourself now.
I have put on weight caused by my pregnancy with twins. I was a size 16 when I got pregnant, I've never been thin. I'm in a size 20 pants now. He says I don't expect you to be thin, I just want you back to the size you were before. I want you to exercise and eat healthy. He says, "If I can't get my needs fulfilled I'll go somewhere else to get them fulfilled". My argument is since having my children and living with an active "a" I don't have much "me" time. I get up at 5a.m. to take his butt to work, get myself ready, etc. etc. Get off work feed the kids, baths, and spend time with them before going to bed. My "a" says, I can make the dinner, give the kids a bath, whatever you want just do something!! This would be great if it was consistent, but we all know that "A" are not reliable and when they want something or have to leave, their gone, and we're left holding the bag of responsibilities.
Am I being too sensitive about his statement of "I'm becoming unattracted to you because of your weight and I'll get my needs met somewhere else". That's the most hurtful thing. If he approached me from a healthwise stand point, I don't think I'd be that upset, but when you get to the intimacy part it just hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I can't shake this conversation, I feel like the fat kid again that got picked on at school. All the old wounds from past boyfriends just opened right up. I don't know how to deal with this in my relationship on top of everything else we struggle with, this feels like it tips the scales way over and I don't think I can manage this too. My feelings are genuinely hurt and I can't conceal that today. His statement to me speaks volumes about his commitment and love for me. Why would I want to stay with someone like this?
Thanks for listening friends, HP will somehow reveal to me what to do.
(((((((((((twinmom2))))))))))))))))
Having small kids is tough, having twins must be tougher, and being with an alcoholic is rotten icing on the cake.
HOWEVER
there is hope for you. Boundaries are great. My husband and I made great head-way when we sat down and discussed the financial things out loud, and on paper.
I am currently in the process of making a large white board that gets put up in the Kitchen. At first I didn't want my friends to see my finances when they were to come over, but this is the only way that I can get my husband on board. I have it split into 4 large columns (dated with each of our two paydays a month) and 12 smaller columns on the side
in the 12 monthly columns i have a line for each utility/monthly bill. I put what we owe for the month on it, then allocate which of the 4 payday columns it needs to go to.
By keeping the 12 monthly columns, my husband can take a clear look at what we spend most of our money on, and get a good picture of where we stand. By keeping all the months, he can see the rewards of his cutting down on electricity, water etc.
By doing this as well, I show him that I am hiding nothing with the finances, even though he can NOT have access to our accounts. I still allocate the money he needs, but now he makes the choices on what he needs his money for etc. By doing this, I have given him some power and input into the situation.
As far as the fighting, it can begin with you. I keep three things in my head during the entire fight:
1. Keep it down. DO not yell, or call names, and sometimes that means I have to leave. I have learned now (through tough practice) that it is better to say "Hubby, I am too angry to have this talk right now, and I really don't want to start a big fight. (usually with teeth grit so tight it hurts)
2. Do not lay blame. Identify the problem, not the culprit.
3. Stick to the point.
Good Luck!!
Aron in the Mountains
((((((((((((twinmom)))))))))))))),
Oh I feel your pain. I have gained alot of weight since I met my "A". Emotional eating and 3 kids have not helped.
My "A" and I had a talk about this recently as well. For me I have the eating well thing down, but the time to excerise is the hard part. SO we worked out a plan. I am doing my part, and for now so is he.
I can see why you are hurt. By telling you that he might go elsewhere, that to mean sounds like a threat. That is how I would have taken it. My "A" told me that he was unahppy with the way I look, and yes it did hurt, but I also know that his intentions were not to hurt. Can you talk about your hurt with your "A".
My "A" is willing to help me as far as I can go with the weight loss, I was also a size 16 when I met my "A". With my body type I will never be able to meet society's ideal, but he just wants me to be happy.
I wish I could give you a hug.
Much Love,
That was definately a very hurtful thing for him to say. Here is an exercise that I use in step 4 that helps deal with resentments. Maybe it will help you work through your feelings about this.
I am resentful at...........
why i am resentful.........
what it affects (what did they hurt, threaten or interfere with?
was it.
self-esteem? i am........
pride? No one should......
ambition? i want.....
security? i need......
personal relations? others should....
sex relations? men should....
pocketbook? money gives......
my role..... my part:
putting out of my mind the wrongs they had done me, where was i at fault?
where was I:
selfish?
dishonest?
selfseeking?
afraid?
and/or how did i place myself in a position to be hurt?
when i see my faults i list them
how do i treat others when i am in this role?
selfishness?......
dishonesty?......
self delusion....
1.....
2....
3....
basic delusion...
. i am afraid if......
. then.........
Playing amateur psychologist here for a moment, it is entirely likely that the source of his frustration & anger is with himself, but he is most likely using you as a convenient scapegoat for that.... One of our biggest reasons, to have a good support and recovery program for ourselves, is that active A's will beat us down, to a point where we question our own value, integrity, and self-worth....
Be gentle on yourself.... his words are those of a sick man right now.... Get to know yourself, and get comfortable & "re-fall" in love with YOU.....
Take care
Tom
When I was active, I used to complain and pout about my sex life. I think it was a good diversion to place blame on my wife for something to take the focus off of me. I've been celibate for the past two years in sobriety, my wife was so angry with me after I got sober, she had no interest in being intimate with me. Do I miss having sex? YES! Do I miss the intimacy? EVEN MORE! Is it so important that I would break my marriage vows? NO! I realize that this is something that has to be mutual and respected, something I sometimes didn't honor in my relationship with her. I want our relationship healed, if that is possible at this point, first and formost.
Lou
(((((((((Twinmom)))))))))),
Good for both of you to recommit to fair fighting. When parents fight in front of their children, they erode their self esteem. :(
The more I tried to fix things in my marriage, the more he was able to adapt my systems (like fair fighting) to his advantage -- manipulation.
Yes, you work hard and have a lot on your plate and no there is no reason for someone else to fulfill their desires (while married to you) in another place ever.
But you did ask the question of him? I find I don't ask the questions that I am not ready for the answer to or the answer that I already know and am not going to like.
THE BIGGER QUESTION IS Are you comfortable with your weight? If you are, then just be you. If you'd like to change, then do so. He offered to take some of the load off you with the children, take advantage of that. Maybe you can't afford a health club (I can't either :) but maybe after dinner you can commit to taking a walk each night while he's bathing the kids. It's exercise. It's good for all of us. You can clear your head too, get some fresh air, begin an exercise program. Slowly but surely, keep building on the positive changes in your life -- drinking water rather than "whatever" grabbing celery with crunchy peanut butter (yum) instead of comfort food when we are sad. Just some suggestions given with love.
Keep coming and keep posting.
Maria123