THESE ARE POST FROM LAST YEAR WHEN I FIRST STARTED
SOME THINGS ARE THE SAME AN SOME I HAVE LEARN AS I WENT ALONG. BUT THIS IS WHERE I WAS. THOUGHT THE NEW COMERS WOULD LIKE TO SEE. IT DOES WORK.
My finding little bottles
I am very angry because today I found that my husband was drinking the little bottles. He had told me that he was not drinking, and of course, I believed him. I had such a nice weekend and I loved it until my reality set in one I saw those bottles. He put it in the trash even knowing that I would see him. I am new to this program and I am hoping that I will learn to over come my worrying and obsessing about him. My every thoughts and moments in my life have him in it. I am surprised on how much I really think of him. It is amazing. I have started to go to the face-to-face meeting and trying to get along with people. I still feel though that when things get bad that I really do not have anyone to talk to because I really do not know anybody. The only peace I have found is coming to the meeting online, and writing this message. I have gotten a lot of good information for her. I am going to have a talk with my higher power who I consider my guardian angel and hope that my angel can help me get the obsessive thought about him out of my head.
Waiting patience
I have been the program for about 5 weeks. I tried and go to the meetings on Tue and thru, when he is drinking I tried and go to the meeting that night. He has decided that he is going to go to the AA meeting, which is good. I am now nervous on what his life is going to be like when he is not drinking. I don't know if I ever really dealt with him that much when he wasn't drinking. On our honeymoon, he didn't drink that much and I had lots of fun. I am hoping that he still has time for me even though he is going to be in the program. To be honest I am afraid of being home left all alone and not have anyone to talk to. I don't have any kids so when he goes out I am by myself. I am glad that he has decided to get help because the way he was acting lately was not helping anyone. I am going to hope for the best and hope everything turns out all right.
ABOUT ME
Yesterday I came home from work and my husband had drank but for some reason I didn't pick up on it right away like I usually do. Well he started bring up little matters making a big deal about them and I was getting really defensive until I told my self why am I fighting with him. At that time, he started saying that I wasn't telling Alanon the whole story on things. In my time I will tell people, when I am ready not when he is ready for me to tell them. I walked into the other room and I went and took a shower. I have a problem with taking showers more than once a week because I suffer from depression and I am struggle with this. I have been struggling with this for years. I think it is a control thing, if I get upset the two things I can control are eating and showering. For the past couple of years I have been dealing with both depression and him drinking. My other thing is being neat; because of my hyperactive, I have a problem being organized, so the room we sleep in is a mess. He is a very neat person and I am the opposite. There I said the one thing he says I don't talk about. Wow, that felt good. I also am struggling with my self to do my laundry. I have gotten better the past couple of weeks, which I am very proud of my self.Well back to last night when I came out of the shower, he was talking on the phone to one of his friends, and she gave him a number to call. He told he would call. Then he was upset about something and decides that he a time to go get another alcohol bottle. Therefore, even though my meeting wasn't for a while, I sneak out the back way and got in my car, and went an got tea, and some other stuff. He had called me and instead of answer the phone right at that moment I let it ring ( I was so proud of myself for not giving in an picking up the phone for him to yell at me ) I went to the meeting and I usually stay for one but I decided instead of staying home and hearing him yelling and streaming at me I will stay for another meeting. In between the meeting, I didn't even call to see how he was doing. I just worried about how I feel and what I want in life.
ON SUNDAY
I wasn't thinking of my self yesterday when my husband became so drunk he couldn't stand up straight. I was trying to remain calm but I was very angry with him for drinking that much. I know it is a sickness but it is still hard to deal with. His son had to help me get him into the house and while in the house help me get him on the bed. He wouldn't stay on the bed he was hitting his head and crying. I try to stay with him to calm him down an he finally was able to get back on the bed with the help of his son and go to sleep. Of course, this morning he didn't want to hear anything that went on yesterday. I am hoping that I will get myself back on track about thinking of myself. His son who is grown is very upset with his father and I don't blame him. I don't think he realize what he is doing. I am hoping that he gets himself to get help. With my guardian angel will help me.
A HARD WEDNESDAY
On Wednesday was a very bad day for me. My cat died and my husband who was very attached to the cat was a wreck. He must of he must of started to drink during the night, when I got home he was very upset about the cat. I tried to be comfortable and help him do stuff and then something happen and then he started yelling, so I left and went to the diner, and called him to see how he was doing and he started to yell at me on the phone. When I got back from diner, he had broken the cell phone. After seeing that I went to a meeting and then I came home and so that his son had left for the night, and that my husband had broke the house phone, I knew it was only going to get a lot worse. I left and went to go to my parent’s house to sleep over. The next day I came down to see how he was and we have gotten along since.
FINDING MYSELF
I am new to Alanon and I am trying to find out what I am all about. What I like, what I don't like. I thought I knew all this already. However, I don't think so. I feel like I am starting from the begin, and just discovering. I am learning how to try an deal with my angry. I am trying to learn that I don't have to let my husband who is my a push my buttons until I exploded. This is the thing I am trying to stop I right now. I am trying not to let him succeed in making me upset. I will tell you something it is a very hard thing to do. He knows the right buttons to push. I have to admit that I am doing a little better. I try an remain patience an not let him upset me. I get when he tries to upset me. I get on my phone and call someone so I remain calm and .
MY WEEKEND
I slip on my program. On Saturday, my husband was very drunk and was arguing with people on the phone, and because he wasn't getting the responses, he wanted he turn and started on me. I keep leaving the house to get away from him. The last time I left I parked in a place I wasn't supposed and the police came and ran a check on my license, thank god no ticket, but I was so up I went from getting away from my husband to cool down to the police, which didn't help the situation at all. I was crying because I couldn't believe my luck. On Sunday, he started drinking and he was very touchy, which is nice unless we are doing in public, people problary it was rude. But I have to admit though it was nice because not really like that when he doesn't drink. But he was loud in the store. He keeps repeating stuff in the store.
I FEEL STRONGER
I am getting stronger each day. I have figure out a little what detachment means. A couple of days ago my husband was drinking and instead of taking off and leaving, I was able to separate my self and remain calm. I didn't get upset. I talked to him in a nice quiet and relax tone. I told him that I was made or angry (but truly I was) I was able to calm him down so we had a good night because he fell asleep.I have read of information on the boards today and I have been able to feel comfort that there are so many people in these room that have the same pain and worries I do. They have fears like me. They get scared like me. A lot of them are still with active a, which helps me knowing that I am not alone, that there are other people in this world that are dealing with the exact thing.I have gotten a lot of strength by knowing there is so much help out here. Last week the Christmas week, I didn't do very well. I didn't go to my meetings, but I have decided that I am going to pick my self up and start working on my self again. During xmas eve my a went to aa and I had so much hope and I slack off with helping my self, and around new years he slipped and started to drink, so I felt like I was at the begin again. But I wasn't I just need to get myself thinking positive again, and I will move on with progress.
Hard wed
Yesterday was a very hard night. I felt that the night was never going to end. He hasn't been drinking for a couple of days, and yesterday he came in the house and he started talking about nonsense. He then starting about things he was seeing, and arguing with me because I didn't see them, he said that I was lying. He really thought that he saw these things. I dealt with yesterday by going in the shower and staying in there until the hot water was running out. I tried very hard to remain and not fight with him. I did very well with that I didn't argue with him I remain very calm. But I felt very trap about this situation. It was snowing outside so I really couldn't go away. I wanted to go to a meeting but it is a 20 min drive and I knew it was dangers because of the snow. I am proud of my self for keeping my cool and not losing it.
I have had this habit to call my an all the time. He doesn't like to be alone so I have been calling him to see how he is doing. He is happy when I call him because he says he feels that he isn't alone. Today it is working. Today he hasn't drank in a couple of days. In the past, I would call during the day a different periods of the day to see how he was doing. I would listen in his voice to hear if he was drunk or not.I like to know what I am up against. I don't want to come home and be surprised.
Day From Hell
Thursday was a very hard night for me. On Thursday, my husband was drinking and was ordering me around to do stuff and I was getting tired of him ordering me around. I saw him walked to the store and I knew he was going to be going for more alcohol, so I left and went to a store parking lot and called someone on my Alanon list. I was talking on the phone to someone when he called me on the phone, normally when he calls he starts yelling at me for leaving so I didn't answer phone. When I hung up the phone, I called his cell phone back and no answer. I then called the house phone no answer so I left a message. When I got home there were police cars and ambulance blocking my driveway, so I had to pull my car over to the side of the road. When I got close to my apt the person on the top floor asked me if everything was ok, when I walked in the house I saw them inside, as I walked in they ask me if I was his wife and I said yes and they told me he was calling for me and he was in the bathroom, I went in the bathroom and I saw him standing over the sink with his hands all blood and I got him to wash his hands. He had blood all on his head and neck was full of blood. His shirt was full of blood. I got him into the ambulance because he wouldn't get in, and then they took him to the hospital. When we got to the hospital he was reaching for something and some drugs fell out of his pocket. He is a recovering drug addicted. I was even madder when I saw that. He didn't go to jail because no one reported it. When the doctor came in he had no idea about alcoholism because my was very drunk, hardly knew anything going on and the doctor says oh it is ok to drink. I wanted to slug the doctor. My a thinks he was hit over the head with something, and the doctor keep bring that up which was making me very mad because he wouldn't stop bring that part up. I was afraid my was going to go and start fighting with someone over this and maybe end up in jail or dead. I tried very hard to keep my cool and not flip out but I was so mad at him. When we left the hospital we had to walk home because neither one of us had any money on us. So while walking he just left me there walking by my self so, I called my sister and she came and got me, and I went and had some diner with her and then went home. From all this he has return to the AA scene, hopefully he stays. I don't want another day like this day.
-- Edited by nycbt at 14:39, 2005-11-04
-- Edited by nycbt at 14:44, 2005-11-04
-- Edited by nycbt at 14:45, 2005-11-04
megan said
Nov 4, 2005
WOW NYCBT. I have been your friend for most of this time and the growth has been incredible from my point of view.
But then, whan I read back on your early posts I am amazed at the changes that you have made in your life.
Great work! You have really matured and grown and become so STRONG!!
Way to go!
Megan
rosie light shines said
Nov 4, 2005
nycbt, i dont' know you, but the fact that you are still here, and willing to share how U used to be, tells me that you gotta be really progressing!!!!! thank you for letting us see the old "U" B4 recovery began to seep in.....i love reading my old stuff, oh wow, i have changed....i used to vent/rage about the perp, NO focuson me, just him....now???? the focus is on the important one.....ME!!!!! thanks for reminding me of how good it is to read the OLD me........rosie
THESE ARE POST FROM LAST YEAR WHEN I FIRST STARTED
SOME THINGS ARE THE SAME AN SOME I HAVE LEARN AS I WENT ALONG. BUT THIS IS WHERE I WAS. THOUGHT THE NEW COMERS WOULD LIKE TO SEE. IT DOES WORK.
My finding little bottles
I am very angry because today I found that my husband was drinking the little bottles. He had told me that he was not drinking, and of course, I believed him. I had such a nice weekend and I loved it until my reality set in one I saw those bottles. He put it in the trash even knowing that I would see him. I am new to this program and I am hoping that I will learn to over come my worrying and obsessing about him. My every thoughts and moments in my life have him in it. I am surprised on how much I really think of him. It is amazing. I have started to go to the face-to-face meeting and trying to get along with people. I still feel though that when things get bad that I really do not have anyone to talk to because I really do not know anybody. The only peace I have found is coming to the meeting online, and writing this message. I have gotten a lot of good information for her. I am going to have a talk with my higher power who I consider my guardian angel and hope that my angel can help me get the obsessive thought about him out of my head.
Waiting patience
I have been the program for about 5 weeks. I tried and go to the meetings on Tue and thru, when he is drinking I tried and go to the meeting that night. He has decided that he is going to go to the AA meeting, which is good. I am now nervous on what his life is going to be like when he is not drinking. I don't know if I ever really dealt with him that much when he wasn't drinking. On our honeymoon, he didn't drink that much and I had lots of fun. I am hoping that he still has time for me even though he is going to be in the program. To be honest I am afraid of being home left all alone and not have anyone to talk to. I don't have any kids so when he goes out I am by myself. I am glad that he has decided to get help because the way he was acting lately was not helping anyone. I am going to hope for the best and hope everything turns out all right.
ABOUT ME
Yesterday I came home from work and my husband had drank but for some reason I didn't pick up on it right away like I usually do. Well he started bring up little matters making a big deal about them and I was getting really defensive until I told my self why am I fighting with him. At that time, he started saying that I wasn't telling Alanon the whole story on things. In my time I will tell people, when I am ready not when he is ready for me to tell them. I walked into the other room and I went and took a shower. I have a problem with taking showers more than once a week because I suffer from depression and I am struggle with this. I have been struggling with this for years. I think it is a control thing, if I get upset the two things I can control are eating and showering. For the past couple of years I have been dealing with both depression and him drinking. My other thing is being neat; because of my hyperactive, I have a problem being organized, so the room we sleep in is a mess. He is a very neat person and I am the opposite. There I said the one thing he says I don't talk about. Wow, that felt good. I also am struggling with my self to do my laundry. I have gotten better the past couple of weeks, which I am very proud of my self.Well back to last night when I came out of the shower, he was talking on the phone to one of his friends, and she gave him a number to call. He told he would call. Then he was upset about something and decides that he a time to go get another alcohol bottle. Therefore, even though my meeting wasn't for a while, I sneak out the back way and got in my car, and went an got tea, and some other stuff. He had called me and instead of answer the phone right at that moment I let it ring ( I was so proud of myself for not giving in an picking up the phone for him to yell at me ) I went to the meeting and I usually stay for one but I decided instead of staying home and hearing him yelling and streaming at me I will stay for another meeting. In between the meeting, I didn't even call to see how he was doing. I just worried about how I feel and what I want in life.
ON SUNDAY
I wasn't thinking of my self yesterday when my husband became so drunk he couldn't stand up straight. I was trying to remain calm but I was very angry with him for drinking that much. I know it is a sickness but it is still hard to deal with. His son had to help me get him into the house and while in the house help me get him on the bed. He wouldn't stay on the bed he was hitting his head and crying. I try to stay with him to calm him down an he finally was able to get back on the bed with the help of his son and go to sleep. Of course, this morning he didn't want to hear anything that went on yesterday. I am hoping that I will get myself back on track about thinking of myself. His son who is grown is very upset with his father and I don't blame him. I don't think he realize what he is doing. I am hoping that he gets himself to get help. With my guardian angel will help me.
A HARD WEDNESDAY
On Wednesday was a very bad day for me. My cat died and my husband who was very attached to the cat was a wreck. He must of he must of started to drink during the night, when I got home he was very upset about the cat. I tried to be comfortable and help him do stuff and then something happen and then he started yelling, so I left and went to the diner, and called him to see how he was doing and he started to yell at me on the phone. When I got back from diner, he had broken the cell phone. After seeing that I went to a meeting and then I came home and so that his son had left for the night, and that my husband had broke the house phone, I knew it was only going to get a lot worse. I left and went to go to my parent’s house to sleep over. The next day I came down to see how he was and we have gotten along since.
FINDING MYSELF
I am new to Alanon and I am trying to find out what I am all about. What I like, what I don't like. I thought I knew all this already. However, I don't think so. I feel like I am starting from the begin, and just discovering. I am learning how to try an deal with my angry. I am trying to learn that I don't have to let my husband who is my a push my buttons until I exploded. This is the thing I am trying to stop I right now. I am trying not to let him succeed in making me upset. I will tell you something it is a very hard thing to do. He knows the right buttons to push. I have to admit that I am doing a little better. I try an remain patience an not let him upset me. I get when he tries to upset me. I get on my phone and call someone so I remain calm and .
MY WEEKEND
I slip on my program. On Saturday, my husband was very drunk and was arguing with people on the phone, and because he wasn't getting the responses, he wanted he turn and started on me. I keep leaving the house to get away from him. The last time I left I parked in a place I wasn't supposed and the police came and ran a check on my license, thank god no ticket, but I was so up I went from getting away from my husband to cool down to the police, which didn't help the situation at all. I was crying because I couldn't believe my luck. On Sunday, he started drinking and he was very touchy, which is nice unless we are doing in public, people problary it was rude. But I have to admit though it was nice because not really like that when he doesn't drink. But he was loud in the store. He keeps repeating stuff in the store.
I FEEL STRONGER
I am getting stronger each day. I have figure out a little what detachment means. A couple of days ago my husband was drinking and instead of taking off and leaving, I was able to separate my self and remain calm. I didn't get upset. I talked to him in a nice quiet and relax tone. I told him that I was made or angry (but truly I was) I was able to calm him down so we had a good night because he fell asleep.I have read of information on the boards today and I have been able to feel comfort that there are so many people in these room that have the same pain and worries I do. They have fears like me. They get scared like me. A lot of them are still with active a, which helps me knowing that I am not alone, that there are other people in this world that are dealing with the exact thing.I have gotten a lot of strength by knowing there is so much help out here. Last week the Christmas week, I didn't do very well. I didn't go to my meetings, but I have decided that I am going to pick my self up and start working on my self again. During xmas eve my a went to aa and I had so much hope and I slack off with helping my self, and around new years he slipped and started to drink, so I felt like I was at the begin again. But I wasn't I just need to get myself thinking positive again, and I will move on with progress.
Hard wed
Yesterday was a very hard night. I felt that the night was never going to end. He hasn't been drinking for a couple of days, and yesterday he came in the house and he started talking about nonsense. He then starting about things he was seeing, and arguing with me because I didn't see them, he said that I was lying. He really thought that he saw these things. I dealt with yesterday by going in the shower and staying in there until the hot water was running out. I tried very hard to remain and not fight with him. I did very well with that I didn't argue with him I remain very calm. But I felt very trap about this situation. It was snowing outside so I really couldn't go away. I wanted to go to a meeting but it is a 20 min drive and I knew it was dangers because of the snow. I am proud of my self for keeping my cool and not losing it.
Quote | Reply
Calling all the time
I have had this habit to call my an all the time. He doesn't like to be alone so I have been calling him to see how he is doing. He is happy when I call him because he says he feels that he isn't alone. Today it is working. Today he hasn't drank in a couple of days. In the past, I would call during the day a different periods of the day to see how he was doing. I would listen in his voice to hear if he was drunk or not.I like to know what I am up against. I don't want to come home and be surprised.
Day From Hell
Thursday was a very hard night for me. On Thursday, my husband was drinking and was ordering me around to do stuff and I was getting tired of him ordering me around. I saw him walked to the store and I knew he was going to be going for more alcohol, so I left and went to a store parking lot and called someone on my Alanon list. I was talking on the phone to someone when he called me on the phone, normally when he calls he starts yelling at me for leaving so I didn't answer phone. When I hung up the phone, I called his cell phone back and no answer. I then called the house phone no answer so I left a message. When I got home there were police cars and ambulance blocking my driveway, so I had to pull my car over to the side of the road. When I got close to my apt the person on the top floor asked me if everything was ok, when I walked in the house I saw them inside, as I walked in they ask me if I was his wife and I said yes and they told me he was calling for me and he was in the bathroom, I went in the bathroom and I saw him standing over the sink with his hands all blood and I got him to wash his hands. He had blood all on his head and neck was full of blood. His shirt was full of blood. I got him into the ambulance because he wouldn't get in, and then they took him to the hospital. When we got to the hospital he was reaching for something and some drugs fell out of his pocket. He is a recovering drug addicted. I was even madder when I saw that. He didn't go to jail because no one reported it. When the doctor came in he had no idea about alcoholism because my was very drunk, hardly knew anything going on and the doctor says oh it is ok to drink. I wanted to slug the doctor. My a thinks he was hit over the head with something, and the doctor keep bring that up which was making me very mad because he wouldn't stop bring that part up. I was afraid my was going to go and start fighting with someone over this and maybe end up in jail or dead. I tried very hard to keep my cool and not flip out but I was so mad at him. When we left the hospital we had to walk home because neither one of us had any money on us. So while walking he just left me there walking by my self so, I called my sister and she came and got me, and I went and had some diner with her and then went home. From all this he has return to the AA scene, hopefully he stays. I don't want another day like this day.
-- Edited by nycbt at 14:39, 2005-11-04
-- Edited by nycbt at 14:44, 2005-11-04
-- Edited by nycbt at 14:45, 2005-11-04
WOW NYCBT. I have been your friend for most of this time and the growth has been incredible from my point of view.
But then, whan I read back on your early posts I am amazed at the changes that you have made in your life.
Great work! You have really matured and grown and become so STRONG!!
Way to go!
Megan