I feel that I am at a place where I don't know what to do about my marriage. I left for a while and came back after 6 weeks and things were good (the honeymoon period) for awhile. My husband works out of town alot and he called me last night and we were discussing money. We ended up getting into an argument and I reminded him that I help pay bills around there too and that I pay his medical insurance thru my work. Well he didn't like this and hung up on me. Fine. Let things cool down. Well I went to bed about 30 minutes later and when I got up this morning he had left me a message saying that I could just "get on down the road to my sister's (something he says everytime we argue) and "F**k you, bitch. I am getting so sick of this. This is verbal abuse. The house we live in was his mother's so I am the one that has to leave if I choose to leave. I feel that I can't put any roots down because he is constantly threatening to throw me out everytime things don't go his way. I am at my wits end. I feel that I need to set boundaries but I don't know how. My husband is an active alcoholic and when he feels threatened he can be very verbally abusive. I am trying to detach but it can be so difficult sometimes. I don't know how to stop him from talking to me in this way. I don't know that I can. You know I question if he really even loves me because love isn't suppose to feel this way. How do you detach in a loving way in this situation? Does anyone have any suggestions?
Love,
Julie
Diva said
Nov 4, 2005
I don't have the problem Julie, but I would have to set a firm boundary concerning verbal abuse...The first time a man says to me, "F*** you bitch," he is gone! There are some things I will not tolerate. Physical abuse and name calling are two of them. When a man speaks this way to a woman, he has fallen to the lowest rung on the ladder.
You speak to him in a quiet tone that this abuse is something you will not stand for. It must not happen again. Remember, Julie, when you set the boundary, you must also set the consequences, and follow through!!!
With love and caring, Diva
nycbt said
Nov 4, 2005
Hi Julie
I too live with an active alcholic. He also is very verbal and emtional abuse when he is drinking. With me he tells me that he is not going to pay the bills any more. Like that is supposed to be a threat. I do have a hard time doing the balancing part. I used to get so upset when he said that, because I didn't want to have bad credit. Then I realize I have alot of people in my life that will help me figure out what to do. He will just have to put money in. If it comes down that he doesn't want to pput money in then i can move to my parents. I will always have a place. With you maybe you should look for a place to be living so he can't threaten you. Have another plan b. I know it is very hard to detach I am still learning that one myself. But each day we get stronger.
canadianguy said
Nov 4, 2005
There are some excellent books on setting boundaries, the best of which, I believe, is entitled "Boundaries", and you should be able to find it in bookstores or through your library... Only you can determine what boundaries are necessary, for your health and serenity.... Living with active alcoholics, whether they are volatile or not, is too much for most of us to handle on our own..... Boundaries, combined with a recovery & support program of your own, are hugely important....
Take care
Tom
megan said
Nov 4, 2005
Hi Julie (((((Julie)))
I used to live with an active alcoholic who was very emotionally and verbally abusive. he was also a great liar and manipulator. He too threatened to not pay the bills. The last 3 years of my marriage were the worst. He drank 24/7 and used everything he knew about me from my 14 years with him to throw things back in my face, undermine me, play tricks on me, harrass me and drive me crazy.
I was insane. I think since then I have read about shifting sands and crazy-making. It seems many alcoholics abuse and control their partners like this.
While I still lived with my husband I tried to set boundaies.
We lived in an aprtment with an upstairs and a downstairs. We agreed when he drank he would stay upstairs. he crossed that boundary over and over again.
I locked myself in the bathroom for long long showers so I couldn't hear his abuse.
I walked (I had no vehicle) to the mall, the stores, the library, the park, anywhere to get away.
I was miserable.
i was crazy.
I fianlly had enough alanon and enough strength to leave.
I had nightmares PTSD for the first few months.
these have subsided.
YOU matter. I like what NYCBT said. Make a plan B and a plan C.
Abuse is abuse
((((Julie)))
In support and recovery
megan
JulieLynn said
Nov 5, 2005
An update on my post. My husband came in from out of town and I ask him what that message was all about and his answer to me was "I tell you what, I just want a divorce." This is something else he always says when we argue. I get so sick of hearing this. I feel this is his way of trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants me to do. It is always his way or no way.
I feel that I am at a place where I don't know what to do about my marriage. I left for a while and came back after 6 weeks and things were good (the honeymoon period) for awhile. My husband works out of town alot and he called me last night and we were discussing money. We ended up getting into an argument and I reminded him that I help pay bills around there too and that I pay his medical insurance thru my work. Well he didn't like this and hung up on me. Fine. Let things cool down. Well I went to bed about 30 minutes later and when I got up this morning he had left me a message saying that I could just "get on down the road to my sister's (something he says everytime we argue) and "F**k you, bitch. I am getting so sick of this. This is verbal abuse. The house we live in was his mother's so I am the one that has to leave if I choose to leave. I feel that I can't put any roots down because he is constantly threatening to throw me out everytime things don't go his way. I am at my wits end. I feel that I need to set boundaries but I don't know how. My husband is an active alcoholic and when he feels threatened he can be very verbally abusive. I am trying to detach but it can be so difficult sometimes. I don't know how to stop him from talking to me in this way. I don't know that I can. You know I question if he really even loves me because love isn't suppose to feel this way. How do you detach in a loving way in this situation? Does anyone have any suggestions?
Love,
Julie
Hi Julie
I too live with an active alcholic. He also is very verbal and emtional abuse when he is drinking. With me he tells me that he is not going to pay the bills any more. Like that is supposed to be a threat. I do have a hard time doing the balancing part. I used to get so upset when he said that, because I didn't want to have bad credit. Then I realize I have alot of people in my life that will help me figure out what to do. He will just have to put money in. If it comes down that he doesn't want to pput money in then i can move to my parents. I will always have a place. With you maybe you should look for a place to be living so he can't threaten you. Have another plan b. I know it is very hard to detach I am still learning that one myself. But each day we get stronger.
There are some excellent books on setting boundaries, the best of which, I believe, is entitled "Boundaries", and you should be able to find it in bookstores or through your library... Only you can determine what boundaries are necessary, for your health and serenity.... Living with active alcoholics, whether they are volatile or not, is too much for most of us to handle on our own..... Boundaries, combined with a recovery & support program of your own, are hugely important....
Take care
Tom
Hi Julie (((((Julie)))
I used to live with an active alcoholic who was very emotionally and verbally abusive. he was also a great liar and manipulator. He too threatened to not pay the bills. The last 3 years of my marriage were the worst. He drank 24/7 and used everything he knew about me from my 14 years with him to throw things back in my face, undermine me, play tricks on me, harrass me and drive me crazy.
I was insane. I think since then I have read about shifting sands and crazy-making. It seems many alcoholics abuse and control their partners like this.
While I still lived with my husband I tried to set boundaies.
We lived in an aprtment with an upstairs and a downstairs. We agreed when he drank he would stay upstairs. he crossed that boundary over and over again.
I locked myself in the bathroom for long long showers so I couldn't hear his abuse.
I walked (I had no vehicle) to the mall, the stores, the library, the park, anywhere to get away.
I was miserable.
i was crazy.
I fianlly had enough alanon and enough strength to leave.
I had nightmares PTSD for the first few months.
these have subsided.
YOU matter. I like what NYCBT said. Make a plan B and a plan C.
Abuse is abuse
((((Julie)))
In support and recovery
megan
An update on my post. My husband came in from out of town and I ask him what that message was all about and his answer to me was "I tell you what, I just want a divorce." This is something else he always says when we argue. I get so sick of hearing this. I feel this is his way of trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants me to do. It is always his way or no way.
Julie