Okay, I choked, not literally, at a meeting. One of the topics was fear, and I really, really wanted to share at that moment, and I just couldn’t get it out. Then, as the meeting started to close with a moment of silence, in my own silence I was feeling very, very, very small. I had a voice and I didn’t speak up, I wanted to speak and I couldn’t. I felt trapped inside my own skin; it was weird…but not unfamiliar.
After my revelation of faith in my Let Go, Let God with Hurricane Wilma, I have been working some Steps. My HP always shows me these little signs when I need to see them. This time He directed me to my photo album and a few childhood memories to let me know, “Hey, I have been with you all along.” The one that hit me the hardest is when He showed me, “I was with you through the sexual abuse too.” I cried on and off the rest of the day. Some were tears of joy because I felt so relieved to really know once and for all that HP was truly there.
Why? Because on top of the normal fears we all have growing up, I lived with the fear of my own father telling me over and over that he would kill me if I told anyone about the sexual abuse. As a kid, you wonder, where is God at that point? Why isn’t He protecting me? I’m not a bad kid at all; I do as I’m told; I’m a high achieving straight “A” student. And, if I stayed good maybe my parents will love me, maybe they will not hurt me anymore, maybe my mother will not binge drink, maybe my father will stop what he is doing to me too, maybe God will make all of this madness go away. And in that meeting, when I choked, it was that little girl that couldn’t talk about her own real life-threatening fear because ‘Daddy said I would die’ if I did. Ouch.
And then I shed tears of sadness, because what HP revealed to me and the way He did it, I just wanted to fall to my knees at that point and say “I am SO sorry I ever doubted you, I am SO sorry that I held on to that shred of doubt all these years even through my own recovery.” Because since December 10, 1994, I have said with what I thought was true conviction, “I know that God has always been there for me, even through the abuse or I would not be here today, the person I am today, have the blessings I have in my life.” I truly felt up to this point that I did finally accept my HP was with me during the sexual abuse. When actually, I just wanted to believe that so I did not feel totally abandoned when I looked back on those horrific moments in my childhood.
I realize now that I could not progress with the current Step and reap further progress in my faith until HP showed me one more thing that I had to really let go…. A fear of being able to talk about my own legitimate and threatening fear in a public and a very open place. My Dad isn’t going to pop out of air and kill me for speaking up. Nor is my ex A going to find out how much I am concerned about my own safety and the safety of my son with his antics. I am in a very safe place to express that, especially when I am in a meeting. Yes! I can speak up about something that is threatening me!
I want to extend a very, very, very special thank you to (((cdb))) for opening the door to let me share my current situation with my ex A as it does pose a threat to my safety and the safety of my son. THAT WAS SO FREEING! And, to the others that supported me and hugged me as I spoke. Words cannot describe what that meant to me, nor will I ever be able to express in its entirety what it did for me spiritually and emotionally. HUGE, this was really, really HUGE for me.
God bless you all, you are treasures in my life, absolute treasures…
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
cdb said
Nov 4, 2005
God Bless YOU Satori ((((((((((((supportive hugs))))))))))))) You are no longer alone my friend. That little voice spoke and people heard and listened and believed you. Next what I did as I told you was to nurture that little child. I had a picture with me of that age for awhile and would look at my the picture of the child and talk to her and tell her, NO one will ever harm you again , I am with you. I also did imagery where I would see my present self sitting with that age girl and having the same conversation. IT was very healing to me. I am so happy and excited for your ability to get this out so you can heal now and be the healthy person you are meant to be :) ((((((((((((((Satori)))))))) You will never again be alone. cdb :)
kitty said
Nov 4, 2005
I took Silva Mind control when i was a teenager. One of the excersizes was "seeing ourselves as a tiny helpless infant... & being able to take that baby (our younger selves) in our arms, rock it, love it, nurture it, love it, let it feel the love (of ourselve's, from ourselves), comfort our own baby. Expereincing our own innocence, & absolution"
then we went on to go through the same excersize/guided meditation... loving each one of our parents in that same way. It was profoundly rewarding & insightful.
Anytime I hear of molestation or rape it makes me have to put my anger in check -- it is probably the most heinous thing on Earth -- stealing an innocent's soul, childhood, robbing you of a progressive trip into womanhood.
HP has a purpose for everything... u have obviously learned a lot about compassion -- I'm sorry I missed the chat rm -- but YES, this is a safe place full of very wise, loving & wonderful ppl.
I am so happy for you having these spiritual revelations....
-your friend in recovery
Satori said
Nov 4, 2005
Nurturing the child. Yes, yes! I have done that on so many other issues in my recovery. This particular progress milestone has a wonderful solution to that. All the childhood pictures I was guided to look at by my HP, to include a dream I had, involved my love of horses. I stopped pursuing that love as a teenager in the middle of my sexual abuse. I gave up the one thing that I really loved at that time because I just died inside after a while. So I decided to put the childhood pictures of me and the horses in one frame and hang it on the wall as a "Recovery Reminder" so to speak and I definitely smile when I pass by it on the wall.
Then, wouldn't you know it (Coincidence is HP remaining anonymous-ha), I get a phone call from a friend of mine the following day that mentions in general conversation a horse for lease that she used to ride before she bought her own. She was commenting that it was a shame she couldn't afford two horses or she would lease him herself. Well, we know where that's going now. That little girl inside is just dying to get back on the saddle again and not just feed everyone else's horses carrots on the side of the road or on a visit to the barn. No words to describe how much a relationship with a horse again will do for me. The relationship develops its own "spiritual walk." So I'm going to go meet Chaser. Chaser may not be the one I end up with, but Chaser will be the first step in giving myself back something that I loved that the abuse took away.
Funny how with each step in recovery, small or large, certain blinders just disappear, all the while knowing there are so many more discoveries about yourself that have yet to be revealed. Just an amazing process, truly.
Thank you again (((cdb))), thank you again....
kitty said
Nov 4, 2005
progress not perfection...
it sounds like you ARE taking your life back...
I am Blessed to witness your miraculous transformations... the last month has been full of them for me, nearly daily.
Even microscopic changes are still advances! I too LOVE horses & animals in genral (Have been a veg since I was 7) --
i do the same thing, put up inspirational notes or words & pictures of myself when I was the free-est -- I have quite a few of me @ 3 yrs old - I see those pix & can "expereience" myself as that innocent soul again, when I was free, before responsibility & b4 society -- just that creative essence of me!
I am so happy for you, going out to meet a horse, *special*
rosie light shines said
Nov 4, 2005
SATORI...............Why? Because on top of the normal fears we all have growing up, I lived with the fear of my own father telling me over and over that he would kill me if I told anyone about the sexual abuse. As a kid, you wonder, where is God at that point? Why isn’t He protecting me? I’m not a bad kid at all; I do as I’m told; I’m a high achieving straight “A” student. And, if I stayed good maybe my parents will love me, maybe they will not hurt me anymore, maybe my mother will not binge drink, maybe my father will stop what he is doing to me too, maybe God will make all of this madness go away. And in that meeting, when I choked, it was that little girl that couldn’t talk about her own real life-threatening fear because ‘Daddy said I would die’ if I did. Ouch.
ROSIE............i lived with the fear too, my perp used to say "if anyone finds out what "we" are doing, they will put you in a jail where they rape you"....i was frozen in fear/ helplessness and shame....he called it "our project" "our game" yeah RIGHT!!!!! i was a child FORCED....so you tell ME it was "our...."....but i like you, blamed God for not saving me, for not KILLING the freak of nature!!!!! i not only blamed God, but hated him as well....my drunken mother would turn on me for what he was doing!!! i had no where no one during this hellacious time......i don't know why God lets this crap happen....i just figure it is because we are here on earth where it is the law of "free will and CHOICE" the perps CHOOSE evil, and anyone in their way is going to be harmed......i know i was afraid to "speak up" because i figured if my own MOTHER would turn against me,, than i was totally hopeless......now i am not afraid to talk about HIS crime against me and God....it was HIS inventory, not mine, and even though my oldest brother *bashes* me for name change, "comming out of the closet" i don't care!!!! he can attack, and just keep making bad karma for himself, cause i am NOT hiding anymore.....whatEVER it takes to recover???? i am doing it, and if someone rejects me over it??? i don't want them in the first place...........but ohhh i can sooo relate to you here...........hugs/ rosie
Fear…
Okay, I choked, not literally, at a meeting. One of the topics was fear, and I really, really wanted to share at that moment, and I just couldn’t get it out. Then, as the meeting started to close with a moment of silence, in my own silence I was feeling very, very, very small. I had a voice and I didn’t speak up, I wanted to speak and I couldn’t. I felt trapped inside my own skin; it was weird…but not unfamiliar.
After my revelation of faith in my Let Go, Let God with Hurricane Wilma, I have been working some Steps. My HP always shows me these little signs when I need to see them. This time He directed me to my photo album and a few childhood memories to let me know, “Hey, I have been with you all along.” The one that hit me the hardest is when He showed me, “I was with you through the sexual abuse too.” I cried on and off the rest of the day. Some were tears of joy because I felt so relieved to really know once and for all that HP was truly there.
Why? Because on top of the normal fears we all have growing up, I lived with the fear of my own father telling me over and over that he would kill me if I told anyone about the sexual abuse. As a kid, you wonder, where is God at that point? Why isn’t He protecting me? I’m not a bad kid at all; I do as I’m told; I’m a high achieving straight “A” student. And, if I stayed good maybe my parents will love me, maybe they will not hurt me anymore, maybe my mother will not binge drink, maybe my father will stop what he is doing to me too, maybe God will make all of this madness go away. And in that meeting, when I choked, it was that little girl that couldn’t talk about her own real life-threatening fear because ‘Daddy said I would die’ if I did. Ouch.
And then I shed tears of sadness, because what HP revealed to me and the way He did it, I just wanted to fall to my knees at that point and say “I am SO sorry I ever doubted you, I am SO sorry that I held on to that shred of doubt all these years even through my own recovery.” Because since December 10, 1994, I have said with what I thought was true conviction, “I know that God has always been there for me, even through the abuse or I would not be here today, the person I am today, have the blessings I have in my life.” I truly felt up to this point that I did finally accept my HP was with me during the sexual abuse. When actually, I just wanted to believe that so I did not feel totally abandoned when I looked back on those horrific moments in my childhood.
I realize now that I could not progress with the current Step and reap further progress in my faith until HP showed me one more thing that I had to really let go…. A fear of being able to talk about my own legitimate and threatening fear in a public and a very open place. My Dad isn’t going to pop out of air and kill me for speaking up. Nor is my ex A going to find out how much I am concerned about my own safety and the safety of my son with his antics. I am in a very safe place to express that, especially when I am in a meeting. Yes! I can speak up about something that is threatening me!
I want to extend a very, very, very special thank you to (((cdb))) for opening the door to let me share my current situation with my ex A as it does pose a threat to my safety and the safety of my son. THAT WAS SO FREEING! And, to the others that supported me and hugged me as I spoke. Words cannot describe what that meant to me, nor will I ever be able to express in its entirety what it did for me spiritually and emotionally. HUGE, this was really, really HUGE for me.
God bless you all, you are treasures in my life, absolute treasures…
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
I took Silva Mind control when i was a teenager. One of the excersizes was "seeing ourselves as a tiny helpless infant... & being able to take that baby (our younger selves) in our arms, rock it, love it, nurture it, love it, let it feel the love (of ourselve's, from ourselves), comfort our own baby. Expereincing our own innocence, & absolution"
then we went on to go through the same excersize/guided meditation... loving each one of our parents in that same way. It was profoundly rewarding & insightful.
Anytime I hear of molestation or rape it makes me have to put my anger in check -- it is probably the most heinous thing on Earth -- stealing an innocent's soul, childhood, robbing you of a progressive trip into womanhood.
HP has a purpose for everything... u have obviously learned a lot about compassion -- I'm sorry I missed the chat rm -- but YES, this is a safe place full of very wise, loving & wonderful ppl.
I am so happy for you having these spiritual revelations....
-your friend in recovery
Nurturing the child. Yes, yes! I have done that on so many other issues in my recovery. This particular progress milestone has a wonderful solution to that. All the childhood pictures I was guided to look at by my HP, to include a dream I had, involved my love of horses. I stopped pursuing that love as a teenager in the middle of my sexual abuse. I gave up the one thing that I really loved at that time because I just died inside after a while. So I decided to put the childhood pictures of me and the horses in one frame and hang it on the wall as a "Recovery Reminder" so to speak and I definitely smile when I pass by it on the wall.
Then, wouldn't you know it (Coincidence is HP remaining anonymous-ha), I get a phone call from a friend of mine the following day that mentions in general conversation a horse for lease that she used to ride before she bought her own. She was commenting that it was a shame she couldn't afford two horses or she would lease him herself. Well, we know where that's going now. That little girl inside is just dying to get back on the saddle again and not just feed everyone else's horses carrots on the side of the road or on a visit to the barn. No words to describe how much a relationship with a horse again will do for me. The relationship develops its own "spiritual walk." So I'm going to go meet Chaser. Chaser may not be the one I end up with, but Chaser will be the first step in giving myself back something that I loved that the abuse took away.
Funny how with each step in recovery, small or large, certain blinders just disappear, all the while knowing there are so many more discoveries about yourself that have yet to be revealed. Just an amazing process, truly.
Thank you again (((cdb))), thank you again....
progress not perfection...
it sounds like you ARE taking your life back...
I am Blessed to witness your miraculous transformations... the last month has been full of them for me, nearly daily.
Even microscopic changes are still advances! I too LOVE horses & animals in genral (Have been a veg since I was 7) --
i do the same thing, put up inspirational notes or words & pictures of myself when I was the free-est -- I have quite a few of me @ 3 yrs old - I see those pix & can "expereience" myself as that innocent soul again, when I was free, before responsibility & b4 society -- just that creative essence of me!
I am so happy for you, going out to meet a horse, *special*
SATORI...............Why? Because on top of the normal fears we all have growing up, I lived with the fear of my own father telling me over and over that he would kill me if I told anyone about the sexual abuse. As a kid, you wonder, where is God at that point? Why isn’t He protecting me? I’m not a bad kid at all; I do as I’m told; I’m a high achieving straight “A” student. And, if I stayed good maybe my parents will love me, maybe they will not hurt me anymore, maybe my mother will not binge drink, maybe my father will stop what he is doing to me too, maybe God will make all of this madness go away. And in that meeting, when I choked, it was that little girl that couldn’t talk about her own real life-threatening fear because ‘Daddy said I would die’ if I did. Ouch.
ROSIE............i lived with the fear too, my perp used to say "if anyone finds out what "we" are doing, they will put you in a jail where they rape you"....i was frozen in fear/ helplessness and shame....he called it "our project" "our game" yeah RIGHT!!!!! i was a child FORCED....so you tell ME it was "our...."....but i like you, blamed God for not saving me, for not KILLING the freak of nature!!!!! i not only blamed God, but hated him as well....my drunken mother would turn on me for what he was doing!!! i had no where no one during this hellacious time......i don't know why God lets this crap happen....i just figure it is because we are here on earth where it is the law of "free will and CHOICE" the perps CHOOSE evil, and anyone in their way is going to be harmed......i know i was afraid to "speak up" because i figured if my own MOTHER would turn against me,, than i was totally hopeless......now i am not afraid to talk about HIS crime against me and God....it was HIS inventory, not mine, and even though my oldest brother *bashes* me for name change, "comming out of the closet" i don't care!!!! he can attack, and just keep making bad karma for himself, cause i am NOT hiding anymore.....whatEVER it takes to recover???? i am doing it, and if someone rejects me over it??? i don't want them in the first place...........but ohhh i can sooo relate to you here...........hugs/ rosie