i all just need to vent. my friends celebrating her birthday at a bar this weekend. and i already told her i wont be going for numerous reasons such as that aint my thing anymore and im taking her to a dinner theater as a present from me. she turned everything around and basically said you not going out because your revolving your life around your boyfriend (my a) but how does that maked sense when im going out with her but just to a different place??? this just pisses me off. i told her straight out this is my life and i will go where i want to go. why would i want to spend a night out with a bunch of drunk people i dont really know and not to mention where is this money that i will be getting. i told her im not really into drinking right now dont want to bring that crap back into my house when my a is trying so hard to get away from the stuff. she said well just dont come home so he wont know if you drink. first of all i dont want to drink because i dont care to second of all how is that right to do this just to get back at someone????? so what my a screwed up in the past didnt come home, that was the past im trying to move on from that, not make it worse by stooping to his level of what he did to me in the past. things are going good right now why would i want to wreck that? i want to keep my side of the street clean. i want to go where i want to go, not because someone else wants me to. i tried to explain to her that im trying to improve my life and do what makes me happy. but she just doesnt get it. what she sees is what my a has done before and shes bringing that up and putting it in my face. just the other day i was on here venting about my struggle with trying to get over the past. i see some progress within me. some friend, trying to remind me of when my life wasnt so perfect. whatever. thx for listening. i would love to hear any input

First of all, good for you for wanting to improve your life and standing up to her. Be proud of who you are and what you are trying to do with your life. People who haven't lived with this disease really don't understand. They haven't walked in your shoes. Some friends/family will make all the effort in the world to understand. Others will not, and that's a sad fact of life. She is obviously thinking only of herself, and her remarks were insensitive and rude. I don't blame you for being angry with her. I'm sorry that she put you through that. She doesn't understand that your recovery is important too. But don't waste your time and energy brooding about it. This is her problem, not yours. You offered to take her out to a nice place, and she turned you down. Frankly go anyway, with or without her. If she doesn't want to go, then grab a friend who does. You deserve a nice night out, go for it! Many of my younger colleagues at work are always after me to go out with them after work. While I appreciate being asked since I'm the "old woman" of the group, it's not my thing. The people who I do see outside of work, come over to my place or will have lunch or take in a movie. Stand your ground. You're doing just fine. You owe no one any apologies for the decisions you make. As long as you are being honest with yourself about your life, then you only have to answer to you and your HP. I'm proud of you. Live strong, Karilynn

Hi you know if this girl was a really good friend she would accept the lovely present you are offering the dinner theatre without any strings attached. You don't have to be pushed into anything you don't want to do.  You have every right to be angry this doesn't even really have to be connected to your A.  All you have done is chosen not to go to a bar.  I think she is the one with the problem here.  Maybe you are doing all the giving in this friendship and she is doing the taking.  Leave the ball in her court it is up to her to get back to you on dinner.  Luv Leo xx

Hi Notsn ,  don't worry about your friend  she really dosen't understand your dilema. and has no program of her own . I too chose to not go to bars along time ago and that annoyed alot of my friends they didn't get it. Alcohol affected me in a negative way and I could no longer be around people who drank , that by the way passed eventually I can be with people who drink now and not pass judgment  and if things get out of hand I just excuse myself and leave.

Your friend does not have a program be patient , her  attitde is not personal either it's simply the way she handles her life. and thinks it't ok.  Just accept her as she is and have a relationship on your terms for a change.  She will adjust/   Louise

HI not, I was thinking if my friends treated me this way, I would question if they were really friends. Myself I don't do well with controlling people. Plus it really struck me how this "friend" advised you to lie to your husband!! I have friends since I was 13, I am 52. My husband has been with me off and on for over 33 years. My true friends have completely stuck by me and have been learning about alanon through me. They know i love my husband, we are one person, always have been. I had one friend who I lost becuz of my husbands illness. It hurt but it was her choice. Alcoholism is a disease. My husband NEVER did anything to hurt me, the disease did. Now knowing it is the disease, I don't take any of it personal. I know it can all come back in one second. He is sober for a long time, then he will use. Then be sober again. I have NO control over it. i love him as is. I agree with you completely. I see you very unselfishly invite her out for HER bday, yet she is basically telling YOU what to do for it!! I just reread that part how you are revolving your life around your Bfriend. It sounded very clear to me that you have had enough of alcohol and the problems it can create. It also sounds like you love your boyfriend a lot. It would disturb me if anyone made judgements on my relationship in the first place. There are my thoughts. i am glad your partner is working hard on his recovery and he is fortunate to have such a caring girlfriend. Keep coming back, glad you shared. love,debilyn

There are a lot of unhealty, toxic people in the world. Now that your boyfriend is in recovery maybe you see things from a different perspective and see some of this now. It might be part of your recovery that you are identifying unhealty behavior now that you used to accept before. If so, good for you!

Lou

Hi there,

I'm sorry about your "friend".  It really does amaze me sometimes when our friends are aware of our circumstances and then still suggest things like going out to a bar.  I hope I can grow and bars won't bother me.  I can barely stand to drive down my road because we live close to the liquor store and everyone drives down our road and throws out their beer cans! It's sad when I let that upset, but that's where I am! My a's friends used to tell him I thought I was too good for everybody since I didn't want to go out to bars or drink with them.  I still have friends who kind of make fun of me for not drinking--honestly that has never been my thing!! I don't understand why people think you have to do things just like they do in order to be an o.k. person.  Why don't people understand that our choices are just that--our choices, if we differ from them that's perfectly alright.

I personally would love to go to a dinner theater! I love the theater!  I hope that she will one day understand, and if she doesn't I hope you can find a way to have a relationship with her that is o.k. with you!

Have a good weekend!

Dawn