Separated husband currently in rehab, not sure where to go from here.
kimberlyrt said
Nov 14, 2011
Hello, this is my very first time here and hoping i can find a little bit of advice or insight. My husband and i have been married for 6 years, total of 11 years in our relationship and we have a 5 year old son
My husband has had an problem with alcohol for a little over a year now, he's always drank, as have I, but just socially, his drinking became a real problem around October of last year following a pretty long time being unemployed and our struggling relationship. He drank to deal with all of it and he has never been able to control it since then. I went back with him and tried to make things work out, the alcoholism truly did creep up on us and for whatever reason, i put up with it for an entire year of him trying to quit on his own before i said enough is enough. He moved into an apartment about 2 months ago, since then he has lost his job and been hospitalized from withdrawals twice. This last time, which was last week, he had a seizure and was very close to death, he went straight from a week in the hospital to a residential rehab facility.
I have been supportive of him going to rehab and helped him out while he was in the hospital, and i feel like i have given him false hope of us reconciling. He says he will be a new person afterwards and expects us to get back together. i believe his family also expects things to work out with us after he gets out, but i am just not sure that i can do that, not anytime soon. There has been so much damage caused, no infidelities, that i know of, but so much hatefulness and stress and just everything that i have been through, i am so afraid that things will be good for a month or so and then go right back to it. I fear i will be walking on egg shells for the rest of my life, hoping not to do anything to trigger a relapse. OUr relationship has never truly been stable so i just don't see how this could work out.
I also am afraid that once he gets out he will expect things to be better and when i say, i dont' think i can, he will relapse and everyone will blame me for that. Every forum i read says to run away as fast as you can, that things never truly change, and i am scared to death and that is exactly what i want to do is RUN! I know that i can't really run away because he is a controling person and he will try to stay in my life as much as possible and we have a son.
So any suggestions, insights, comments, similar experiences that you can share with me, i would be so grateful. I just don't know what is going to happen and i'm so scared to death that either way i go, things are giong to be just as bad as the other. Can someone really go to rehab and change, is that really possible. I've never read that happening on any forums.
-- Edited by kimberlyrt on Monday 14th of November 2011 12:29:30 PM
nyc018 said
Nov 14, 2011
Hi Kimberly and welcome to MIP...glad you found us and I hope you can attend f2f Alanon meetings where you will get lots of support. I relate very well. I separated from my AH a few months ago after about three years of a steady downward spiral of drinking, culminating in his near insanity this summer, detox, relapses, job loss, and inpatient rehab. We have a 2 year old son too. I don't think anyone here will tell you what to do, but will just share personal experiences and how we manage to cope through this insanity. For me, the separation is a necessary process in my healing, as well as the chance for AH to take responsibility for his actions and seek real help. I have a long way to go with my recovery, as he does, and the way I deal with the worry about the future is to remember to take things a day at a time. There is so much anxiety swirling around and it is overwhelming to try to deal with all of it at once. I too was filled with fear and Alanon has helped with that. You have every right to keep your boundaries and live apart from him for as long as you need. Your main focus needs to be yourself and your child. He doesn't need to be kept out of your life - but that doesn't mean he should control you. His disease did that for long enough. You don't need to decide about forever. Take it a day at a time and be gentle on yourself. When I start with my "what if's" and negative thinking, I try to remember that this is a gradual process. Things will eventually be revealed over time. I try to focus on what I can do to create a healthy environment for me and my son, and to realize that my AH's recovery is his and only his responsibility. If you need a time out from him, communicate it firmly but calmly. Sticking to your boundaries is important at this time. Sending you much support!
Mattie said
Nov 14, 2011
So glad you have found us. Have you found Al-Anon meetings? We all need lots of support and recovery for ourselves?
In my experience, even if rehab "works" and the alcoholic achieves longterm sobriety, it takes a while and it's full of pitfalls. Lots of alcoholics in early recovery need a lot of time to themselves just to keep on their path of sobriety, and everything is in upheaval. Some of them live in halfway houses for a while to get stronger sobriety before they go out in the world. He should be hearing about this in rehab. So however eager he is to reconcile and get his old life back, if he's listening, he'll hear from the people there that alcoholics have to take it slow and be cautious. If he's eager to force a reconciliation, this could be a sign that he hasn't wholly taken in the message of how much attention his own recovery will need.
So perhaps you could raise the issue of staying separated while he's still in rehab, to give him time to process it while he has plenty of support. Either way, protecting yourself is not just essential for you and your child, but could be very important for him.
A face-to-face Al-Anon group could be great support for figuring out how and what to say to him (not that they will tell you what to say, but they will help support your recovery so that you'll say what's right for you). Keep on taking good care of yourself!
kimberlyrt said
Nov 14, 2011
thank you so much for the comments. Our relationship has never truly been stable, so i can see it causing him a lot more relapses than if he were on his own focusing. And i was hoping to raise that issue by going to a family counseling session with him while he was there, but he's about 2 1/2 hours away from me and i'm not sure if i'll be able to make one. i tried to maintain how i felt and that its not going to be all fixed after he gets out on our way up there, but he still kept commenting that he would be a better person and get it all back. So we will see how it goes once he gets some counseling sessions. Today is actually day 1 for him there.
thanks for the support.
Pushka said
Nov 14, 2011
Welcome Kim,
Hugs, my personal experience with my AH in counseling was not pretty. The best thing that happened out of it was I was so angry with the "crazy counselor" for saying I had a problem. Well DUH .. I had a problem with my Ah's drinking who wouldn't have a problem with it why do I need to fix anything about ME? I'm so perfect after all ;)
Well that crazy woman led me to alanon (I reached a point of no return in the emotional pain and I had to do something for me) and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Ironically it's also the best thing that happened to my relationship with my AH. It's not always easy, I now know I'm not alone and I have the support of some amazing brothers and sisters of alanon.
I hope you will consider going to a meeting. It really doesn't matter if he drinks or not it matters more about how are you taking care of you.
Keep coming back, Hugs P :)
Jackie11 said
Nov 14, 2011
2 phrases that I've heard often now, keep coming back, both here and to F2F (face to face) meetings. Also When in doubt don't. Meaning give yourself the time to heal and process. Be gentle with yourself.
I came here looking to be told what to do. I read and read and read and I learned. You are not alone, and you will often have, what I call, lightbulb moments as you read. These you can sometimes relate to and sometimes even if you can't relate you still take something away from them.
Hugs, and support, and keep coming back!!!!
tommyecat said
Nov 14, 2011
Kimberly,
Welcome to MIP. I am glad to have the chance to greet you and introduce myself as so many others have. I would encourage you to share here on this forum and as it was suggested before, think about going to face to face alanon meetings.
Face to face Alanon meetings are where I began my journey of recovery regardless if my loved ones drank or not. Alanon was a place where I began to learn about the disease of alcoholism and find tools for which I can use on a daily basis. I found the meetings so helpful with many members there who understood my problems as few others could. I felt accepted, loved, and understood for the first time in my life. That is what kept me going back to the meetings and eventually asking someone to be my sponsor.
Trying to do this alone is really hard. The 3 C's come to mind for me here. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. Hearing the people share honestly and openly what was going on in their lives in face to face meetings is really powerful. It gave me the courage to share myself when the time was right.
I hope you keep coming back as it was previously suggested. I am glad you came and introduced yourself to the forum. Please continue to share as you did today because it helps us all.
In support,
Tommye
abbyal said
Nov 14, 2011
Hello and welcome ,your fears are normal and its okay to ask for a little space before making a decission to move back into this relationship .. find a meeting for yourself you need support and you will find it in Al-Anon rooms , you will learn to take care of yourself regardless of what he is doing you will be okay now is the time to get your life back focus on your needs . There are no guarantees that our programs will save marriages but it does promise to return some sanity to your lives . Louise
pinkchip said
Nov 15, 2011
Kim, I would fall back on that the AA program does not recommend major changes for the first year anyhow. So his moving back in would be a major change. He desperately needs to work on himself, figuring out who he is, what he wants out of life, and a relationship with you is really only part of it. You could remind him that you want a healthy relationship with him and will always be connected to him because of your child, but he really needs to work recovery without having to worry about a mending a shaky marriage. It takes a good year of sobriety to even be able to stand with one's head up and to have some clarity, focus, and direction. He needs to get to that point before you guys make any decisions about reconciling.
In essense, the answer for him is, get stable first, and then decide. He and the family are under the misconception that he won't get stable without you. That is the opposite from the truth. It will be harder for him to get stable and build a firm foundation of sobriety while trying to mend the marriage.
If his sobriety journey brings him back to you, so be it. But his journey is sobriety now and that has to be priority #1. I know this from my own alcoholism and how I had to get sober. I cannot tell you how you might use this info to help yourself. But it is just my own brand of experience, strength, and hope.
sookie said
Nov 15, 2011
Have you been able to go to any face to face meetings? My husband checked himself into rehab in January and at that time I was so full of anger and resentment and at the same time, guilt that I owed him another chance since he was trying to be sober for a change. I had to go to 4 meetings/week for nearly 5 months to get a grip on all the emotions I was going through.We are separated now and the year has been pretty much hell. I go to 2/week now but w/o them to get me through that critical time, I would have been lost. He still wants to make it work, but for me, I am not sure. I am waiting to see how it unfolds.
I understand everything you are saying and your own recovery will begin to unfold as you learn more about his disease. All you have control over is you. Please keep coming back.
Best wishes for some peace!
SCARLETT said
Nov 15, 2011
I'm married. My husband has been in a rehab for 9 months. He will be there much longer. For the sake of our boys I started taking them to visit him and something odd happened......while he has been away I have been totally focused on my own recovery. Our communication has improved, but its taken nine months and this is just the begining. I didn't give him this dis-ease. I can't control his dis-ease. I can do the next right thing in my heart ....just for today and see where my Higher Power takes it. Reconciliation has come up in conversations and well I don't know whats going to happen and I can't tell the future in my magic ball. He doesn't like my answer but its my answer and thats his issue to accept it or not. Hope you can get anything out of what I shared.....take what you need and leave the rest. I also read in a book that the alcoholic says after a run...like after a tornado hits and the wind stops the alcoholic says look Ma aint it grand the wind stopped blowing ....but they can't comprehend the damage.
kimberlyrt said
Nov 16, 2011
Sookie, thank you for sharing with me your experience. So when your husband came out of rehab did he stay sober? I was thinking the same thing yesterday that shouldn't i atleast owe him one shot at it again since he did actually take the steps to get better this time and go to rehab. This is day 3 in rehab for him and i talked to him last night, and it was like i haven't talked to that person in 6 months. It was like a totally different person. I don't want to have false hope, and i know that it will take a lot of time for both of us to heal and for me to be able to trust him at all, but i just wonder is a life of sobriety existent for an A? I would love more than anything to go back to how things were a couple of years ago when this wasn't an issue, yes we had other issues, but nothing crippling like this. i'm trying to not have any expectations.
Pushka said
Nov 16, 2011
Hugs kim, I do the best in my program when I keep the focus on me and stop focusing on if my ah ifs going to drink or not. I need a program of recovery regardless of what he does or doesn't do. The expectation that this time rehab is the answer for his sobriety does nothing except set you both up. I have hope in myself and hp. I can't hope my ah into sobriety or keep him there with hope or expectation that this is the cure. I do encourage you to go to meetings and work your own program of recovery. hugs p ;)
Breakingfree said
Nov 16, 2011
Hi and welcome to MIP. I hope you are able to make it to some face to face Al-anon meetings and take care of yourself. I am sending you love and support!
Mummie21 said
Sep 13, 2017
Hello i am in a similar situation as any of you. My husband of 8 yrs and total of 16 years together is battling addiction to alcohol. He has suffered 4 sezuires in 8 years from trying to stop and had attempted AA but not seriously. He has been to a six month program stayed 4 and is now 2 months in a year program but it took threat of a divorce before he decided to go in. I am scared of 1 him not completing this 2 him thinking he can just come home after the program because i dont want to return to the same situation of him going back to drinking like he did after the 4mos from previous program. I feel different now from then and want to improve my life not hit rewind or replay. My feelings are not what they use to be. I am just looking for dome advice. Thank you
Mattie said
Sep 13, 2017
Hi, Mummie, welcome. I'm afraid some people might not see your post because it's at the end of another person's thread. If you start an individual post for yourself (the button up at the right of the general Forum page that says "Start a new topic"), then more people are likely to see it. Hugs!
WestMan said
Sep 13, 2017
Hi Kimberley. Sorry that you are dealing with this difficult situation. Please know it will pass and you can be happy again. I can't say what you should do but I believe your top priority is yourself and your son. You will be a much healthier happier mother if you take care of yourself first. You will have to figure out what that means for you.
One piece of good news is you don't have to worry about causing your husband to drink. You can't make that decision for him only he can. We often refer to the three C's. Didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. You could be mean as hell, divorce him, take all the money etc and he might start drinking. You could be the perfect wife, anticipate all of his needs, provide support and companionship and he might drink. Do what's best for you and your son. I suggest Face to Face Al-Anon meetings. There you will learn how others dealt with similar problems and can better decide what to do.
gratefulforafuture said
Sep 20, 2017
Oh my! I wrote almost exactly the same thing just a few minutes ago! I am struggling toward the next step too, but at least know that you are not alone. I am walking with you.
Jazzie18 said
Sep 20, 2017
One day at a time was the phrase that really stuck with me at my first face-to-face meeting. To answer your question, yes A's can get sober. It really depends on if they actually want to be sober. My AH never did an inpatient rehab but he did get admitted to the hospital to safely detox. At first I was so worried that he wouldn't be able to maintain his sobriety but after talking to him he said that he reached a point that he was just sick of being sick. He also knew that if he didn't change he was going to lose his family (we have two young boys). I thought after he got sober our lives would be great. I didn't realize how sick I was from the disease and had to work on my recovery in order to be happy again. I was always anxious that he would relapse, waiting for the other shoe to drop, searching for bottles, trying to do the smell test on him. I mean absolutely crazy stuff. I will say it took a year for me to start to be happy again and to work on trusting him again. He has been sober over two years now and I am sure it is hard for him on certain days but as he put it....I know what I am going to lose.
If you haven't already, try and attend some face-to-face meetings. This was honestly a godsend for me the first year.
All the best to your and your family.
mamalioness said
Sep 20, 2017
(((((((((((((Kimberly)))))))))))))))) bless your heart and I totally 1000% relate to you.....If you don't want him back, than you don't want him back
I had a similiar thing with AH#1...I moved out...left...GONE....well?? he wanted me back and got into AA and it was all a "show" to get me to come back....he came to my door with flowers and promises and hes in AA and all that and I just said (and Oh i wish I was in Al-anon) at the time but I WAS seeing a good reg nurse who was a good psychology nurse and I was n counselling with him, and HE told me, "hey if it is the real deal, TIME TIME TIME will show" and then my Councillor asked me "what is it that YOU want???" "what does Rose want???" and I just look at my Councillor and I said "i'm done..burned out..there is nothing, no love, nothing left in me for him" though I wished him well, I just DID NOT WANT him back....END of case!!!! so my Councillor said "well, its what YOU want and where YOU want to be next month, next year, next 5 years that is important" and he reminded me it was about time I looked at MY needs, MY hopes for my future, MY life.....he was great...he must have been a 12 stepper or participated in meets because a LOT of his "home work" for me was 12 step flavored big time...he would give me actual workbooks and homework assignments for our next visit and I swear...he was at some point a 12 stepper.....I loved him...our county paid for a lot of visits and he gave me a good foundation for my life...I was low income at the time so there was this program, I took advantage where the county would pay for mental health visits for folks who were in my situation...runaways from abusive domestic situations.......wish it could have lasted forever....I remember him, when I had my last visit, he hugged me good bye and said I was the nicest , most hungry for help patient he ever had and he just "knew I would be ok" anyway, rewind to the A.....
oh yea, the campaign to get me back....I , with counselling under my belt was getting stronger and I just told him, I didn't want to go back..I had just landed a neat job as a restaurant bookkeeper, starting first of year with new owner and that made me very good money, 30 hours per week, nice boss and I was gonna move into the little house next door by same landlord, into the bigger cottage next to me and I had my pets, my new friends, etc.....as SOON as the A knew I was gone, he reverted back from Mr. Nice to Mr. A-hole and got nasty with me , like putting my friends down, insulting my place where I lived, which was a cute place, and he just , I could see the old, nasty, negative human being I had grown to loathe come back..My dog wanted to rip him apart...even my dog saw what a loser he was.....AND he was sober when acting this way.....he had been sober, but was just as nasty....so my saying "no way " to him, maybe he went back to drinking, maybe he did not, but the ugly personality was still there...the ugly meanness he showed to me was still there....I just was not into "ugly" anymore....I told him not to come back and my neighbor in the front house liked me, he was married with kids and he told my A that he was watching and A better walk lightly because if he harmed me or upset me, neighbor was gonna kick his A**......oh yea, I had friends and we had BBQ's and my BF at the time AH#2, (yea, i married another A but he was sooo good to me) but still...why was i marrying alcoholics???? Al-anon would later show me....AL-anon would later show me what patterns IN ME that I had to overcome to have healthy people in my life....
So I would not question myself about how I feel...Sometimes its just OVER....DONE with the BS and the drama and the insults and the roller coaster ride they put you on......I got off and I am not dizzy anymore.........IN SUPPORT
Hello, this is my very first time here and hoping i can find a little bit of advice or insight. My husband and i have been married for 6 years, total of 11 years in our relationship and we have a 5 year old son
My husband has had an problem with alcohol for a little over a year now, he's always drank, as have I, but just socially, his drinking became a real problem around October of last year following a pretty long time being unemployed and our struggling relationship. He drank to deal with all of it and he has never been able to control it since then. I went back with him and tried to make things work out, the alcoholism truly did creep up on us and for whatever reason, i put up with it for an entire year of him trying to quit on his own before i said enough is enough. He moved into an apartment about 2 months ago, since then he has lost his job and been hospitalized from withdrawals twice. This last time, which was last week, he had a seizure and was very close to death, he went straight from a week in the hospital to a residential rehab facility.
I have been supportive of him going to rehab and helped him out while he was in the hospital, and i feel like i have given him false hope of us reconciling. He says he will be a new person afterwards and expects us to get back together. i believe his family also expects things to work out with us after he gets out, but i am just not sure that i can do that, not anytime soon. There has been so much damage caused, no infidelities, that i know of, but so much hatefulness and stress and just everything that i have been through, i am so afraid that things will be good for a month or so and then go right back to it. I fear i will be walking on egg shells for the rest of my life, hoping not to do anything to trigger a relapse. OUr relationship has never truly been stable so i just don't see how this could work out.
I also am afraid that once he gets out he will expect things to be better and when i say, i dont' think i can, he will relapse and everyone will blame me for that. Every forum i read says to run away as fast as you can, that things never truly change, and i am scared to death and that is exactly what i want to do is RUN! I know that i can't really run away because he is a controling person and he will try to stay in my life as much as possible and we have a son.
So any suggestions, insights, comments, similar experiences that you can share with me, i would be so grateful. I just don't know what is going to happen and i'm so scared to death that either way i go, things are giong to be just as bad as the other. Can someone really go to rehab and change, is that really possible. I've never read that happening on any forums.
-- Edited by kimberlyrt on Monday 14th of November 2011 12:29:30 PM
I relate very well. I separated from my AH a few months ago after about three years of a steady downward spiral of drinking, culminating in his near insanity this summer, detox, relapses, job loss, and inpatient rehab. We have a 2 year old son too.
I don't think anyone here will tell you what to do, but will just share personal experiences and how we manage to cope through this insanity.
For me, the separation is a necessary process in my healing, as well as the chance for AH to take responsibility for his actions and seek real help. I have a long way to go with my recovery, as he does, and the way I deal with the worry about the future is to remember to take things a day at a time. There is so much anxiety swirling around and it is overwhelming to try to deal with all of it at once. I too was filled with fear and Alanon has helped with that.
You have every right to keep your boundaries and live apart from him for as long as you need. Your main focus needs to be yourself and your child. He doesn't need to be kept out of your life - but that doesn't mean he should control you. His disease did that for long enough. You don't need to decide about forever. Take it a day at a time and be gentle on yourself.
When I start with my "what if's" and negative thinking, I try to remember that this is a gradual process. Things will eventually be revealed over time. I try to focus on what I can do to create a healthy environment for me and my son, and to realize that my AH's recovery is his and only his responsibility.
If you need a time out from him, communicate it firmly but calmly. Sticking to your boundaries is important at this time. Sending you much support!
So glad you have found us. Have you found Al-Anon meetings? We all need lots of support and recovery for ourselves?
In my experience, even if rehab "works" and the alcoholic achieves longterm sobriety, it takes a while and it's full of pitfalls. Lots of alcoholics in early recovery need a lot of time to themselves just to keep on their path of sobriety, and everything is in upheaval. Some of them live in halfway houses for a while to get stronger sobriety before they go out in the world. He should be hearing about this in rehab. So however eager he is to reconcile and get his old life back, if he's listening, he'll hear from the people there that alcoholics have to take it slow and be cautious. If he's eager to force a reconciliation, this could be a sign that he hasn't wholly taken in the message of how much attention his own recovery will need.
So perhaps you could raise the issue of staying separated while he's still in rehab, to give him time to process it while he has plenty of support. Either way, protecting yourself is not just essential for you and your child, but could be very important for him.
A face-to-face Al-Anon group could be great support for figuring out how and what to say to him (not that they will tell you what to say, but they will help support your recovery so that you'll say what's right for you). Keep on taking good care of yourself!
thanks for the support.
Hugs, my personal experience with my AH in counseling was not pretty. The best thing that happened out of it was I was so angry with the "crazy counselor" for saying I had a problem. Well DUH .. I had a problem with my Ah's drinking who wouldn't have a problem with it why do I need to fix anything about ME? I'm so perfect after all ;)
Well that crazy woman led me to alanon (I reached a point of no return in the emotional pain and I had to do something for me) and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Ironically it's also the best thing that happened to my relationship with my AH. It's not always easy, I now know I'm not alone and I have the support of some amazing brothers and sisters of alanon.
I hope you will consider going to a meeting. It really doesn't matter if he drinks or not it matters more about how are you taking care of you.
Keep coming back,
Hugs P :)
2 phrases that I've heard often now, keep coming back, both here and to F2F (face to face) meetings. Also When in doubt don't. Meaning give yourself the time to heal and process. Be gentle with yourself.
I came here looking to be told what to do. I read and read and read and I learned. You are not alone, and you will often have, what I call, lightbulb moments as you read. These you can sometimes relate to and sometimes even if you can't relate you still take something away from them.
Hugs, and support, and keep coming back!!!!
Kimberly,
Welcome to MIP. I am glad to have the chance to greet you and introduce myself as so many others have. I would encourage you to share here on this forum and as it was suggested before, think about going to face to face alanon meetings.
Face to face Alanon meetings are where I began my journey of recovery regardless if my loved ones drank or not. Alanon was a place where I began to learn about the disease of alcoholism and find tools for which I can use on a daily basis. I found the meetings so helpful with many members there who understood my problems as few others could. I felt accepted, loved, and understood for the first time in my life. That is what kept me going back to the meetings and eventually asking someone to be my sponsor.
Trying to do this alone is really hard. The 3 C's come to mind for me here. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. Hearing the people share honestly and openly what was going on in their lives in face to face meetings is really powerful. It gave me the courage to share myself when the time was right.
I hope you keep coming back as it was previously suggested. I am glad you came and introduced yourself to the forum. Please continue to share as you did today because it helps us all.
In support,
Tommye
Hello and welcome ,your fears are normal and its okay to ask for a little space before making a decission to move back into this relationship .. find a meeting for yourself you need support and you will find it in Al-Anon rooms , you will learn to take care of yourself regardless of what he is doing you will be okay now is the time to get your life back focus on your needs . There are no guarantees that our programs will save marriages but it does promise to return some sanity to your lives . Louise
In essense, the answer for him is, get stable first, and then decide. He and the family are under the misconception that he won't get stable without you. That is the opposite from the truth. It will be harder for him to get stable and build a firm foundation of sobriety while trying to mend the marriage.
If his sobriety journey brings him back to you, so be it. But his journey is sobriety now and that has to be priority #1. I know this from my own alcoholism and how I had to get sober. I cannot tell you how you might use this info to help yourself. But it is just my own brand of experience, strength, and hope.
I understand everything you are saying and your own recovery will begin to unfold as you learn more about his disease. All you have control over is you. Please keep coming back.
Best wishes for some peace!
Sookie, thank you for sharing with me your experience. So when your husband came out of rehab did he stay sober? I was thinking the same thing yesterday that shouldn't i atleast owe him one shot at it again since he did actually take the steps to get better this time and go to rehab. This is day 3 in rehab for him and i talked to him last night, and it was like i haven't talked to that person in 6 months. It was like a totally different person. I don't want to have false hope, and i know that it will take a lot of time for both of us to heal and for me to be able to trust him at all, but i just wonder is a life of sobriety existent for an A? I would love more than anything to go back to how things were a couple of years ago when this wasn't an issue, yes we had other issues, but nothing crippling like this. i'm trying to not have any expectations.
Hi, Mummie, welcome. I'm afraid some people might not see your post because it's at the end of another person's thread. If you start an individual post for yourself (the button up at the right of the general Forum page that says "Start a new topic"), then more people are likely to see it. Hugs!
Hi Kimberley. Sorry that you are dealing with this difficult situation. Please know it will pass and you can be happy again. I can't say what you should do but I believe your top priority is yourself and your son. You will be a much healthier happier mother if you take care of yourself first. You will have to figure out what that means for you.
One piece of good news is you don't have to worry about causing your husband to drink. You can't make that decision for him only he can. We often refer to the three C's. Didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. You could be mean as hell, divorce him, take all the money etc and he might start drinking. You could be the perfect wife, anticipate all of his needs, provide support and companionship and he might drink. Do what's best for you and your son. I suggest Face to Face Al-Anon meetings. There you will learn how others dealt with similar problems and can better decide what to do.
Oh my! I wrote almost exactly the same thing just a few minutes ago! I am struggling toward the next step too, but at least know that you are not alone. I am walking with you.
If you haven't already, try and attend some face-to-face meetings. This was honestly a godsend for me the first year.
All the best to your and your family.
(((((((((((((Kimberly)))))))))))))))) bless your heart and I totally 1000% relate to you.....If you don't want him back, than you don't want him back
I had a similiar thing with AH#1...I moved out...left...GONE....well?? he wanted me back and got into AA and it was all a "show" to get me to come back....he came to my door with flowers and promises and hes in AA and all that and I just said (and Oh i wish I was in Al-anon) at the time but I WAS seeing a good reg nurse who was a good psychology nurse and I was n counselling with him, and HE told me, "hey if it is the real deal, TIME TIME TIME will show" and then my Councillor asked me "what is it that YOU want???" "what does Rose want???" and I just look at my Councillor and I said "i'm done..burned out..there is nothing, no love, nothing left in me for him" though I wished him well, I just DID NOT WANT him back....END of case!!!! so my Councillor said "well, its what YOU want and where YOU want to be next month, next year, next 5 years that is important" and he reminded me it was about time I looked at MY needs, MY hopes for my future, MY life.....he was great...he must have been a 12 stepper or participated in meets because a LOT of his "home work" for me was 12 step flavored big time...he would give me actual workbooks and homework assignments for our next visit and I swear...he was at some point a 12 stepper.....I loved him...our county paid for a lot of visits and he gave me a good foundation for my life...I was low income at the time so there was this program, I took advantage where the county would pay for mental health visits for folks who were in my situation...runaways from abusive domestic situations.......wish it could have lasted forever....I remember him, when I had my last visit, he hugged me good bye and said I was the nicest , most hungry for help patient he ever had and he just "knew I would be ok" anyway, rewind to the A.....
oh yea, the campaign to get me back....I , with counselling under my belt was getting stronger and I just told him, I didn't want to go back..I had just landed a neat job as a restaurant bookkeeper, starting first of year with new owner and that made me very good money, 30 hours per week, nice boss and I was gonna move into the little house next door by same landlord, into the bigger cottage next to me and I had my pets, my new friends, etc.....as SOON as the A knew I was gone, he reverted back from Mr. Nice to Mr. A-hole and got nasty with me , like putting my friends down, insulting my place where I lived, which was a cute place, and he just , I could see the old, nasty, negative human being I had grown to loathe come back..My dog wanted to rip him apart...even my dog saw what a loser he was.....AND he was sober when acting this way.....he had been sober, but was just as nasty....so my saying "no way " to him, maybe he went back to drinking, maybe he did not, but the ugly personality was still there...the ugly meanness he showed to me was still there....I just was not into "ugly" anymore....I told him not to come back and my neighbor in the front house liked me, he was married with kids and he told my A that he was watching and A better walk lightly because if he harmed me or upset me, neighbor was gonna kick his A**......oh yea, I had friends and we had BBQ's and my BF at the time AH#2, (yea, i married another A but he was sooo good to me) but still...why was i marrying alcoholics???? Al-anon would later show me....AL-anon would later show me what patterns IN ME that I had to overcome to have healthy people in my life....
So I would not question myself about how I feel...Sometimes its just OVER....DONE with the BS and the drama and the insults and the roller coaster ride they put you on......I got off and I am not dizzy anymore.........IN SUPPORT