Im mad enough that DH needs to drive 20mins each way to pickup/bring home his friend twice a wk but there is no way I want this guy sleeping at my house on a regular basis!
Im feeling that if I leave DHs booze alone (not mix with water) that DH will be getting drunk faster and there wont be a chance in hell of getting his friend home!
Im also feeling that because of this friend DHs car will need to be replaced sooner. Its ME who buys the cars in this household. I have more saved up than DH. DH needs a car to get to work.
ahhh - another vicious cycle that I cant seem to break
Jeannie said
Nov 2, 2005
Hi Barbara,
You can't stop him from drinking, nor can you stop him from associating or driving his friend around. But you can set up boundaries of who can be in your house. You also have control over whether you replace your husbands car.
If you don't want your house used as a flopphouse, put your foot down.
As far as watering his booze. I know it is considered futile and I know we are not supposed to care, but when it comes to driving a car. I believe safety, not just the A, but the person who happens to be on the road comes first. While I know I would not be to blame if my husband hurts someone while driving, I need to make sure my conscience is clear. I try and keep him from getting behind the wheel at all cost.
Love Jeannie
gardengal said
Nov 2, 2005
I am assuming that DH = Drunken Hubby? Anyhow I can relate to my A's friends who frequented our house. I was mortified especially with one who use to arrive very early on my husband's day off, and always with beer. This would set the ball rolling for the rest of the day, and I can assure you it wasnt a very good day after that. He would leave, then of course my A would have to go find others to drink with, afterall what fun would it be to stay home.? I literally dispised that so called "friend", and the others who also were A's who frequented our home. My stomach would immediately become in knots and my emotions would start to wander from anger to self pity to Noooo not again! Keeping the focus on yourself and doing what you want for yourself is "key" here. No matter what I said or did,,did any bit of good, just created more chaos, gave the A more reason to drink. I agree with Leo, you may not have control over what your A is doing or not doing,,but you can have control if you wish to purchase him another car or not. Few of us think we have NO choices ,,,but we do...something to think about,,,,,,,,,,,gardengal
captcodee said
Nov 2, 2005
You can do absolutely nothing about DH's drinking buddy.
You CAN, however, do something about you. You can set up boundaries. You can say that you will not do this, or you refuse to do that. I drive my husband to work, and home (only cause it is on my way). I DO NOT drive him to the bar, nor pick him up. If he chooses to work late, I will not pick him up from the train after 9:00pm. I figure this is fair. I too have a life, and will not contribute to my own insanity. I also do not permit drinking around our children, or on weekdays where I have to work in the morning.
You only have control over your own things. You can't control his drinking. You can't control when he is going to drink, or where, but you can control where he can NOT drink if it involves you.
Regarding the friend, I have told my husband's friends that they are welcome in the home, as long as they are sober. I have said right out, "I am trying to make this marraige work. I need my husband to myself" right in front of my hubby. I was not malicious. I said Hello, and nice to see you, etc. But I plainly set up the boundary in front of my husband. I had asked him to do it himself, but he either was not able to, or willing to, and I was no longer willing to have this friend encouraging smoking pot in my garage.
By doing this, they have found another place to drink. Actually, I rarely see this friend anymore come to think of it.
YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOU! But marraige is made of comprimises, even if they are sick. Talk this out with "DH" and explain yourself using "I FEEL _____ WHEN _____, I NEED_________"
It works for me. :)
Aron
KathyS said
Nov 2, 2005
Unfortunately, as I've learned through experience......there isn't anything you can do about it. My husband (A) owns and operates his own tree business. He became a major enabler to one of his old friends. The entire family was a ball of dysfunation and my A took it upon himself to *fix* them. This whole association with them made me nervous because they still actively use, have no regard for the law (every member has an warrant out on them), and are very pushy, needy and demanding people.
Long story short, my husband chose to pick this man up every day, give him easy work to do, pay him $200 a day (ridiculous!) and drive him home every night. Now even with that kind of pay, either later in the evening or first thing in the morning, this guy would be borrowing money off my husband because he blew all his on drugs/drinking/cigs and what not. My husband would go ahead and lend it to him, half the time never even getting paid back. The whole situation was absurd to me.
If I allowed myself to, I would obsess over it and feel constant frustration that my husband was allowing himself to be used in this way. A few times I tried to share some of my al anon experience with him and show him that he wasn't helping his friend as he believed he was, but in fact was hurting him by being such an enabler. He'd yes me to death, agree with everything I said then just go ahead and do the same thing the next day.
Finally (after 8 long months of this) my husband got sick and tired of it and has pulled away from these people. They showed not once ounce of appreciatation for what he did, and actually blamed him for all their problems. I even went through having them live at our house for about 3 weeks, then dealt with the same types of situations as you described. One time this guy drove over with switched plates (no license of course) and lost his plate on the way here. Apparently didn't tightening it well enough when he stole it from some poor souls vehicle. Anyway, they wanted my husband to drive them home when they were ready. It was late and he didn't want to. Next thing I know they're taking MY van home. I was outraged. I mean stuff like this just went on and on and on and anon.
Try your best to not focus on him and what he's choosing to do with his friend. I hate to say it, but never knowing what Gods plan is.......perhaps if you didn't mix water with his liquor, and he got very drunk and drove this friend home.....he'd end up with a dui. That would be a negative consequence directly due to his drinking that he couldn't blame on anyone else. Just a thought. Try your best to stay out of his HP's way. Good luck!
rosie light shines said
Nov 2, 2005
barbara, what jeannie says here..............."But you can set up boundaries of who can be in your house. You also have control over whether you replace your husbands car."
i couldnnt say it better.......we never can control the a or his actions....ONLY us and our actions.......NOBODY i don't want sleeps in my house........and i would NOT buy my A a car when i was married to him....that was HIS job............recently my A abusive older brother drove through texas to go to callif to see our sister....he wanted to "drop in" on me and i refused........i said i did NOT allow drunks and especially abusive to me drunks in my house.......he isn't a physical threat, but he puts me down, hates my guts for not wanting our father's name on me (father was my abuser) i did not want the name of my incestor on me........so he put me down/ attacked me BASHED me is a better word to the other siblings who supported me in getting rid of my perp's name.....anyway, he wanted to stop by for a night and i refused.....this is MY house, i have the RIGHT to live in it with peace NO abuse NO insults NO heavy drinking......i don't have to put up with that andi don't...........when my sister told him he was not wanted at my house, he got all indignent about it, and when he drove BACK from calif to masachusetts, he went through texas, and called me!!!! he was being on *good behaviour* so i would invite him over and i just told him that i had *important things /relationship i was busy with and i was not willing to shift my schedule* end of story...this program is sooo wonderful, i take care of me and i can still love my close people WHILE i take care of me........just my take, rosie
who doesnt own a car?
Im mad enough that DH needs to drive 20mins each way to pickup/bring home his friend twice a wk but there is no way I want this guy sleeping at my house on a regular basis!
Im feeling that if I leave DHs booze alone (not mix with water) that DH will be getting drunk faster and there wont be a chance in hell of getting his friend home!
Im also feeling that because of this friend DHs car will need to be replaced sooner. Its ME who buys the cars in this household. I have more saved up than DH. DH needs a car to get to work.
ahhh - another vicious cycle that I cant seem to break
Hi Barbara,
You can't stop him from drinking, nor can you stop him from associating or driving his friend around. But you can set up boundaries of who can be in your house. You also have control over whether you replace your husbands car.
If you don't want your house used as a flopphouse, put your foot down.
As far as watering his booze. I know it is considered futile and I know we are not supposed to care, but when it comes to driving a car. I believe safety, not just the A, but the person who happens to be on the road comes first. While I know I would not be to blame if my husband hurts someone while driving, I need to make sure my conscience is clear. I try and keep him from getting behind the wheel at all cost.
Love Jeannie
I am assuming that DH = Drunken Hubby? Anyhow I can relate to my A's friends who frequented our house. I was mortified especially with one who use to arrive very early on my husband's day off, and always with beer. This would set the ball rolling for the rest of the day, and I can assure you it wasnt a very good day after that. He would leave, then of course my A would have to go find others to drink with, afterall what fun would it be to stay home.? I literally dispised that so called "friend", and the others who also were A's who frequented our home. My stomach would immediately become in knots and my emotions would start to wander from anger to self pity to Noooo not again! Keeping the focus on yourself and doing what you want for yourself is "key" here. No matter what I said or did,,did any bit of good, just created more chaos, gave the A more reason to drink. I agree with Leo, you may not have control over what your A is doing or not doing,,but you can have control if you wish to purchase him another car or not. Few of us think we have NO choices ,,,but we do...something to think about,,,,,,,,,,,gardengal
You can do absolutely nothing about DH's drinking buddy.
You CAN, however, do something about you. You can set up boundaries. You can say that you will not do this, or you refuse to do that. I drive my husband to work, and home (only cause it is on my way). I DO NOT drive him to the bar, nor pick him up. If he chooses to work late, I will not pick him up from the train after 9:00pm. I figure this is fair. I too have a life, and will not contribute to my own insanity. I also do not permit drinking around our children, or on weekdays where I have to work in the morning.
You only have control over your own things. You can't control his drinking. You can't control when he is going to drink, or where, but you can control where he can NOT drink if it involves you.
Regarding the friend, I have told my husband's friends that they are welcome in the home, as long as they are sober. I have said right out, "I am trying to make this marraige work. I need my husband to myself" right in front of my hubby. I was not malicious. I said Hello, and nice to see you, etc. But I plainly set up the boundary in front of my husband. I had asked him to do it himself, but he either was not able to, or willing to, and I was no longer willing to have this friend encouraging smoking pot in my garage.
By doing this, they have found another place to drink. Actually, I rarely see this friend anymore come to think of it.
YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOU! But marraige is made of comprimises, even if they are sick. Talk this out with "DH" and explain yourself using "I FEEL _____ WHEN _____, I NEED_________"
It works for me. :)
Aron
Unfortunately, as I've learned through experience......there isn't anything you can do about it. My husband (A) owns and operates his own tree business. He became a major enabler to one of his old friends. The entire family was a ball of dysfunation and my A took it upon himself to *fix* them. This whole association with them made me nervous because they still actively use, have no regard for the law (every member has an warrant out on them), and are very pushy, needy and demanding people.
Long story short, my husband chose to pick this man up every day, give him easy work to do, pay him $200 a day (ridiculous!) and drive him home every night. Now even with that kind of pay, either later in the evening or first thing in the morning, this guy would be borrowing money off my husband because he blew all his on drugs/drinking/cigs and what not. My husband would go ahead and lend it to him, half the time never even getting paid back. The whole situation was absurd to me.
If I allowed myself to, I would obsess over it and feel constant frustration that my husband was allowing himself to be used in this way. A few times I tried to share some of my al anon experience with him and show him that he wasn't helping his friend as he believed he was, but in fact was hurting him by being such an enabler. He'd yes me to death, agree with everything I said then just go ahead and do the same thing the next day.
Finally (after 8 long months of this) my husband got sick and tired of it and has pulled away from these people. They showed not once ounce of appreciatation for what he did, and actually blamed him for all their problems. I even went through having them live at our house for about 3 weeks, then dealt with the same types of situations as you described. One time this guy drove over with switched plates (no license of course) and lost his plate on the way here. Apparently didn't tightening it well enough when he stole it from some poor souls vehicle. Anyway, they wanted my husband to drive them home when they were ready. It was late and he didn't want to. Next thing I know they're taking MY van home. I was outraged. I mean stuff like this just went on and on and on and anon.
Try your best to not focus on him and what he's choosing to do with his friend. I hate to say it, but never knowing what Gods plan is.......perhaps if you didn't mix water with his liquor, and he got very drunk and drove this friend home.....he'd end up with a dui. That would be a negative consequence directly due to his drinking that he couldn't blame on anyone else. Just a thought. Try your best to stay out of his HP's way. Good luck!
barbara, what jeannie says here..............."But you can set up boundaries of who can be in your house. You also have control over whether you replace your husbands car."
i couldnnt say it better.......we never can control the a or his actions....ONLY us and our actions.......NOBODY i don't want sleeps in my house........and i would NOT buy my A a car when i was married to him....that was HIS job............recently my A abusive older brother drove through texas to go to callif to see our sister....he wanted to "drop in" on me and i refused........i said i did NOT allow drunks and especially abusive to me drunks in my house.......he isn't a physical threat, but he puts me down, hates my guts for not wanting our father's name on me (father was my abuser) i did not want the name of my incestor on me........so he put me down/ attacked me BASHED me is a better word to the other siblings who supported me in getting rid of my perp's name.....anyway, he wanted to stop by for a night and i refused.....this is MY house, i have the RIGHT to live in it with peace NO abuse NO insults NO heavy drinking......i don't have to put up with that andi don't...........when my sister told him he was not wanted at my house, he got all indignent about it, and when he drove BACK from calif to masachusetts, he went through texas, and called me!!!! he was being on *good behaviour* so i would invite him over and i just told him that i had *important things /relationship i was busy with and i was not willing to shift my schedule* end of story...this program is sooo wonderful, i take care of me and i can still love my close people WHILE i take care of me........just my take, rosie