Hello - I have a 20 yr. old son who is an alcoholic. He's been using/drinking since he was about 15 & I fear at this rate he does not have many years left. It's a long story & one you've probably heard many times before...but suffice it to say that nothing, not Rehab/AA/NA/etc. has been able to crack his denial. He admits he's an addict/alcoholic, he just refuses do anything about it. When he was 18, we gave him the choice to live at home & be clean/sober, or move out - he chose the later, which resulted in him becoming homeless, beat-up, in jail, addicted to meth...just to name a few. He lost all of his friends, except for the bums who live in the park. Last year, he moved to another part of the state, & he seemed to straighten up, temporarily. He got a job & an apartment, & supported himself for the 1st time in his life...he seemed happy & we were thrilled...but then he started drinking again, got fired & lost his apartment. Last month he called & asked if he could move back home so he could "get himself back together"...we told him ok, but that we wouldn't tolerate any drugs/alcohol use. Last weekend he was in jail for public intoxciation (the 5th time) & he's been AWOL for the past 4 days on a drinking binge...I've spoken with him twice on the phone & he sounded terrible/drunk. Now we are faced with having to kick him out again, & I get sick to my stomach & my heart breaks because I know that this time there is a very real chance he may not make it - he has no real friends or a place to go. I have typed up a list of social services/homeless shelters/AA & NA meetings, etc. to give him when I see him...I guess I just give him that & tell him to pack his stuff & leave?!?!?! God. I have not been to an AlAnon meeting (yet) but have attended many AA meetings...I know I cannot make him get sober...but this is just really really hard. He is such a beautiful, intelligent & talented young man when he's sober. Any suggestions on how to deal with this would be greatly appeciated.. Thank you.
gknee said
Nov 1, 2005
(((MXXMOM)))
I am so sorry to hear of this terrible struggle you are going thru with your son.
This board is a great place to share and get support in the battle of dealing with addiction.
It sounds like you have been dealing with setting boundaries and trying to let your son
face the consequences of his actions. That is good and what Alanon teaches us. I hope you are
able to focus on yourself as well amidst the pain and sadness you are experiencing. You need to take care of yourself --and at this point, your son needs to learn to take care of himself too.
Never easy for a parent though. They are always your kids, no matter how old.
Welcome to our board
Jeanne
mxxmom said
Nov 1, 2005
Thanks - I have 2 other beautiful kids (10 & 12) to focus on...my 10 yr old is home sick w/the flu today & needs his mommy! I'm just trying to figure out in my head how I'm going to deal with my older son when I see him again...so I can be strong. Thanks for your support. People who havn't lived it just don't understand.
Dolphin123 said
Nov 1, 2005
(((((mxxmom))))),
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Loving an alcohoic is so painful. My "A" is my husband, so I will not pretend to know how you feel as to watching your child go through this, but I know what it is like to watch a very special person slowly lose themselves.
You did great by coming here. Sharing your story takes courage.
I use the three c's
1) I didn't cause it.
2) I can't control it.
3) I can't cure it.
I would suggest you start going to meeitngs be it face to face (f2f) or here online. Posting here has really helped me. You can get alot of encouragement and recovery here. I think finding a sponsor was a huge step in helping me. I also have faith in a Higher Power of my understaning, my HP is God.
This program works, so keep coming back.
Much Love,
lalarainbow said
Nov 1, 2005
I don't often post on here but your story made me sad. Our son of 21 was messed up. He lost his job, his girlfriend, the place he lived and had to move back home. It came to a head one day when he got a fine for $300. for having open liquor. He broke down said he was not addicted to alcohol but was addicted to drugs and that it was really bad.. We got him into the addiction center where he was able to stay 5 days. (all we get here) It was a horrible situation.. He was verbally abusive to us. Miserable to live with and we came so close to kicking him out. I would look at him and think, still the cute little boy but there was a monster going on inside...I had to remember the way he was acting was the disease and not him..
It broke my heart so I know how you must feel.. I went to al-anon meetings and they were very helpful. I came on here and read postings. They told me at the addiction center he was lucky to be alive with all the stuff he took..
Long story short.. He stayed clean.. got a job out west but it was just for the summer.. He has a gilrfriend and they are now with her parents and both looking for work..He has an excellent resume now so don't think it will be hard to get something... He has done so well and we are proud of him..He is 22 today and I miss him so much but we talk often on the phone and on line and I see pictures and he looks great.
I just want to say I know how you feel and how hard it is for you..But there is hope...I had my faith to get me thru it but it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do..I pray your son is safe and that he will get help asap.
all the best,
Rainbow
KathyS said
Nov 1, 2005
You are in a very difficult situation. We feel so torn at times when dealing with our addicted loved ones. Especially when it's our child. Our natural instinct is to help and protect them, but with an addict when we do that all we're really doing is enabling and hurting them more.
Until they reach their rock bottom, and noone knows what that is for each individual (not even the addict), they will continue to use. The only way they'll reach their rock bottom is when they've suffered enough negative consequences from their drugging/drinking that they begin to want recovery. It's a long hard road. Hard for them and extremely hard for the people who love them and have to watch them hurting themselves.
As hard as it is, I feel you are doing the right thing. You're sticking to your boundary of him not being allowed to use while living at your home. By not allowing him to do that, and not enabling him by paying for a room or handing him money.......you're allowing him to feel his negative consequences. Therefore, even though it doesn't feel like it, you're actually helping him.
As for you..........there are a lot of things you can do to make this easier on yourself. First off going to a f2f meeting will be a great first step. Taking the focus off your son and putting it on yourself will be the begining of your own personal recovery. If you can get the Big Book of AA that will really help you understand your sons disease, plus give you some suggestions for yourself. Also getting a sponsor to help you work through the steps and learn all the tools of this program is very important too. The ideal way to find one is at your face to face meetings, but asking someone online works also.
Keep sharing, you'll find a lot of strength from this group.
mxxmom said
Nov 1, 2005
lalarainbow: I looked at my son that very same way just the other day...sigh. Did you kick your son out? If not, how did you deal with him/his behavior when it was out of control? What made him finally get sober?
I know I have to make a stand, but I am having a hard time convincing myself that throwing my son out onto the street, right into the very element he needs to avoid, is the right thing to do? But then he hasn't been home in 4 days, so he's pretty much thrown himself out, I guess. His father (we're divorced, but living in same town) & my husband (step-dad since age 8) both want nothing to do with him. I feel am the last person standing in my sons corner. So I am praying alot.
lalarainbow said
Nov 1, 2005
Hi, We did not have to kick him out but I can tell you it came very close.. My husband would have kicked him out if I had not been around. What made him admit he had a problem-- Well, he had been fired from his job, owed almost $1000. in bills and he did not have a cent to his name, all gone to drugs I guess... His girlfriend had broken up with him after being together for over a year..he had no rent money so had to move home..his Dad and he did not get along so moving home was not a good thing...His addicted friends abandend him. He lost everything! I had been the enabler-- I had paid his bills etc.. When we got that fine my husband and I had a big argument -- I wanted to just pay the fine and forget it..My husband said "no more" that is it..Noah saw us argue ( something that he had never seen before) He walked out the door!! I got really scared and went after him.. I stopped and told him to get in the car.. and he swore at me but did get in and that is when he broke down and cried and admitted to the problem and asked for help.. He had to want the help!
I really don't know how we got through..We were actually scared of him at that time.. I thought I was going to have to call the police on my own son...We had to lock all meds up. We watched him like a hawk, We limited time on computer.. He was not allowed phone calls from his so called "buddies" We live out in the country so to get to town he would have to walk.. I sure was not taking him...He went to NA once a week ( all we have here) He got coucelling. Those were the only contact he had other then us... We kept him busy with painting- piling wood , washing floors anything to make him feel like he was doing something-- We would say this job is worth so $$.. and take it off the amount that we had paid on his bills. Even the neighbors had him rake to give him some money and he gave it to me..
The fine- Well we did NOT pay it! He went to court and I went with him.. He got an extension on paying it back.. He applied and got 40 hours of community duty. He did that and I think that boosted his self-esteem.. He knew we loved him and cared and wanted him well again..Only one friend from his child hood came to visit or phone... The others ignored him when they knew he was trying to stay clean...in fact the fellow he had lived with did time for dealing...
He was very fortunate to get a job he applied for on line.. Our close friends gave him a good referance...he did not have a good one from his last job..He had been living with us for almost 4 months..... He had never been far from home...But I had to trust God in looking after him and let him go.. We did have to buy his ticket.. He had never flown before.. It was all new to him.. The job was on a resort in the Rockies. He prooved that he could do it and his boss just thought he was great..He had signed a contract and he stuck to it so he got a huge bonus at the end.
I thank God he is doing so well... I know he had to hit bottom and he had to admit that he had an addiction problem..Nothing I could say would have made a difference.. I used to say if you have a problem get help but I never knew how really messed up he was...
I am so sorry you have to go through this.. Look after yourself and, as they say "let go and let God"
Feel free to private message me ( I think you can do it here) I will send you pm if I can and let you know my MSN and Yahoo name and maybe we could chat..
Take care and try to get some rest...I know how hard that is!! Rainbow
Christy said
Nov 1, 2005
mxxmom,
It's a very hard situation for sure. Alanon teaches us to step back and not enable so they feel their consequences in hopes that they will hit their bottom. We also must accept that some have no bottom, unfortunately.
You can still be in his corner by not making his alcoholic lifestyle easier. Perhaps if it gets too hard, he may take a look at his life.
Good Luck
Christy
mxxmom said
Nov 1, 2005
Thanks everyone for your kind words & encouragement...my goal is to remain as strong & detached as possible, so as not to repeat mistakes of the past...I do not want to rescue him...I want him to hit bottom...if he has one. If I could, I would hasten his fall just to get it over with! It is really difficult for me to "sit back & not do something." Being a recovering alcoholic myself, I tend to be rather obsessive. But I really want to let the natural consquences of his behavior play out without my interference...so I will pray, pray, pray. This is not the 1st time my son has gone off like this...but, God willing, may it please be his last.
leo said
Nov 2, 2005
Hi mxxmom,
I am the Mum of two boys aged 17 & 20 my heart goes out to you. I think only a mother truly understands the bond of mother and child. You look at your son and remember him as the little boy taking his first steps etc. You know whatever they choose to do in life we can only guide them so far. I would say be supportive of your son up to a point. If his lifestyle is slowly draining the life out of you in the end you will have to choose either his health or your own. Try and give your son over to HP. When you go to bed at night pray for Hp to keep your son, warm, safe and out of danger. You cannot lock him up at home and prevent him from making mistakes. Ask Hp for the strength to let go and try and look after you. Luv Leo xx
WakingUp said
Nov 2, 2005
My daughter is similar only just a bit more subtle on the problems. Lost her job due to missing too much time (alcohol related.) Supposedly she's moving in with some friends shortly. (keeping fingers crossed) It's tough. {{{{mxxmom}}}}
Jeannie said
Nov 2, 2005
(((Mxxmom)))
I know how hard this must be for you. But know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.
You need to take care of yoursleves and your sone needs to be responsible for himself. Maybe without the comfort of home, he will seek help. You made the boundaries, he knew the rules, and he broke them.
(((((mxxmom))))),
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Loving an alcohoic is so painful. My "A" is my husband, so I will not pretend to know how you feel as to watching your child go through this, but I know what it is like to watch a very special person slowly lose themselves.
You did great by coming here. Sharing your story takes courage.
I use the three c's
1) I didn't cause it.
2) I can't control it.
3) I can't cure it.
I would suggest you start going to meeitngs be it face to face (f2f) or here online. Posting here has really helped me. You can get alot of encouragement and recovery here. I think finding a sponsor was a huge step in helping me. I also have faith in a Higher Power of my understaning, my HP is God.
This program works, so keep coming back.
Much Love,
I don't often post on here but your story made me sad. Our son of 21 was messed up. He lost his job, his girlfriend, the place he lived and had to move back home. It came to a head one day when he got a fine for $300. for having open liquor. He broke down said he was not addicted to alcohol but was addicted to drugs and that it was really bad.. We got him into the addiction center where he was able to stay 5 days. (all we get here) It was a horrible situation.. He was verbally abusive to us. Miserable to live with and we came so close to kicking him out. I would look at him and think, still the cute little boy but there was a monster going on inside...I had to remember the way he was acting was the disease and not him..
It broke my heart so I know how you must feel.. I went to al-anon meetings and they were very helpful. I came on here and read postings. They told me at the addiction center he was lucky to be alive with all the stuff he took..
Long story short.. He stayed clean.. got a job out west but it was just for the summer.. He has a gilrfriend and they are now with her parents and both looking for work..He has an excellent resume now so don't think it will be hard to get something... He has done so well and we are proud of him..He is 22 today and I miss him so much but we talk often on the phone and on line and I see pictures and he looks great.
I just want to say I know how you feel and how hard it is for you..But there is hope...I had my faith to get me thru it but it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do..I pray your son is safe and that he will get help asap.
all the best,
Rainbow
You are in a very difficult situation. We feel so torn at times when dealing with our addicted loved ones. Especially when it's our child. Our natural instinct is to help and protect them, but with an addict when we do that all we're really doing is enabling and hurting them more.
Until they reach their rock bottom, and noone knows what that is for each individual (not even the addict), they will continue to use. The only way they'll reach their rock bottom is when they've suffered enough negative consequences from their drugging/drinking that they begin to want recovery. It's a long hard road. Hard for them and extremely hard for the people who love them and have to watch them hurting themselves.
As hard as it is, I feel you are doing the right thing. You're sticking to your boundary of him not being allowed to use while living at your home. By not allowing him to do that, and not enabling him by paying for a room or handing him money.......you're allowing him to feel his negative consequences. Therefore, even though it doesn't feel like it, you're actually helping him.
As for you..........there are a lot of things you can do to make this easier on yourself. First off going to a f2f meeting will be a great first step. Taking the focus off your son and putting it on yourself will be the begining of your own personal recovery. If you can get the Big Book of AA that will really help you understand your sons disease, plus give you some suggestions for yourself. Also getting a sponsor to help you work through the steps and learn all the tools of this program is very important too. The ideal way to find one is at your face to face meetings, but asking someone online works also.
Keep sharing, you'll find a lot of strength from this group.
lalarainbow: I looked at my son that very same way just the other day...sigh. Did you kick your son out? If not, how did you deal with him/his behavior when it was out of control? What made him finally get sober?
I know I have to make a stand, but I am having a hard time convincing myself that throwing my son out onto the street, right into the very element he needs to avoid, is the right thing to do? But then he hasn't been home in 4 days, so he's pretty much thrown himself out, I guess. His father (we're divorced, but living in same town) & my husband (step-dad since age 8) both want nothing to do with him. I feel am the last person standing in my sons corner. So I am praying alot.
Hi, We did not have to kick him out but I can tell you it came very close.. My husband would have kicked him out if I had not been around. What made him admit he had a problem-- Well, he had been fired from his job, owed almost $1000. in bills and he did not have a cent to his name, all gone to drugs I guess... His girlfriend had broken up with him after being together for over a year..he had no rent money so had to move home..his Dad and he did not get along so moving home was not a good thing...His addicted friends abandend him. He lost everything! I had been the enabler-- I had paid his bills etc.. When we got that fine my husband and I had a big argument -- I wanted to just pay the fine and forget it..My husband said "no more" that is it..Noah saw us argue ( something that he had never seen before) He walked out the door!! I got really scared and went after him.. I stopped and told him to get in the car.. and he swore at me but did get in and that is when he broke down and cried and admitted to the problem and asked for help.. He had to want the help!
I really don't know how we got through..We were actually scared of him at that time.. I thought I was going to have to call the police on my own son...We had to lock all meds up. We watched him like a hawk, We limited time on computer.. He was not allowed phone calls from his so called "buddies" We live out in the country so to get to town he would have to walk.. I sure was not taking him...He went to NA once a week ( all we have here) He got coucelling. Those were the only contact he had other then us... We kept him busy with painting- piling wood , washing floors anything to make him feel like he was doing something-- We would say this job is worth so $$.. and take it off the amount that we had paid on his bills. Even the neighbors had him rake to give him some money and he gave it to me..
The fine- Well we did NOT pay it! He went to court and I went with him.. He got an extension on paying it back.. He applied and got 40 hours of community duty. He did that and I think that boosted his self-esteem.. He knew we loved him and cared and wanted him well again..Only one friend from his child hood came to visit or phone... The others ignored him when they knew he was trying to stay clean...in fact the fellow he had lived with did time for dealing...
He was very fortunate to get a job he applied for on line.. Our close friends gave him a good referance...he did not have a good one from his last job..He had been living with us for almost 4 months..... He had never been far from home...But I had to trust God in looking after him and let him go.. We did have to buy his ticket.. He had never flown before.. It was all new to him.. The job was on a resort in the Rockies. He prooved that he could do it and his boss just thought he was great..He had signed a contract and he stuck to it so he got a huge bonus at the end.
I thank God he is doing so well... I know he had to hit bottom and he had to admit that he had an addiction problem..Nothing I could say would have made a difference.. I used to say if you have a problem get help but I never knew how really messed up he was...
I am so sorry you have to go through this.. Look after yourself and, as they say "let go and let God"
Feel free to private message me ( I think you can do it here) I will send you pm if I can and let you know my MSN and Yahoo name and maybe we could chat..
Take care and try to get some rest...I know how hard that is!! Rainbow
Thanks everyone for your kind words & encouragement...my goal is to remain as strong & detached as possible, so as not to repeat mistakes of the past...I do not want to rescue him...I want him to hit bottom...if he has one. If I could, I would hasten his fall just to get it over with! It is really difficult for me to "sit back & not do something." Being a recovering alcoholic myself, I tend to be rather obsessive. But I really want to let the natural consquences of his behavior play out without my interference...so I will pray, pray, pray. This is not the 1st time my son has gone off like this...but, God willing, may it please be his last.
Hi mxxmom,
I am the Mum of two boys aged 17 & 20 my heart goes out to you. I think only a mother truly understands the bond of mother and child. You look at your son and remember him as the little boy taking his first steps etc. You know whatever they choose to do in life we can only guide them so far. I would say be supportive of your son up to a point. If his lifestyle is slowly draining the life out of you in the end you will have to choose either his health or your own. Try and give your son over to HP. When you go to bed at night pray for Hp to keep your son, warm, safe and out of danger. You cannot lock him up at home and prevent him from making mistakes. Ask Hp for the strength to let go and try and look after you. Luv Leo xx
(((Mxxmom)))
I know how hard this must be for you. But know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.
You need to take care of yoursleves and your sone needs to be responsible for himself. Maybe without the comfort of home, he will seek help. You made the boundaries, he knew the rules, and he broke them.
I pray that he stays safe and will seek recovery.
Love Jeannie