Hi all-
Just bouncing some more thoughts out here for you to give me your 2cents on.
I am so happy to have you people in my life to air this stuff out with.
As I ranted yesterday, my A husband has been lying to me about use of pot again..(what else is new) We have been in marriage counseling for the past 3 months and doing well, so we went in for a special session yesterday. this is what we came out with: I will agree that my husband can get high at his friend's house when he plays guitar there. He is not to bring weed home. He has to tell me when he uses. I agreed to this- although in theory I do not want to be a gatekeeper, it is bad Alanon form (3 C's and all) . I doubt this "experiment" will succeed because I think that once he starts using, he can't control it and will bring it home, start smoking daily, then multiple times through out the day--leading to binge drinking, leading to regret and self loathing etc etc. But we'll see, won't we?
Like I said to our therapist--I'm just sick of being the one who has to keep forgiving and forgiving and forgiving. I know it is a great tenet of Christianity---but I'd be lying to y'all if I said i was enjoying it. Hell of a way to earn a halo!
thanks for being here and listening-
Jeanne
megan said
Nov 1, 2005
Hi Jeanne
How odd of the therapist.
Do they have any background at all in addiction?
I went to a counselor for 6 weeks after I left my husband.
She stared in open mouthed horror at some of the stuff I told her.
Flies could have nested in her open mouth.
I soon took to just asking her practical separation related things and left my recovery for alanon.
I would like to find a therapist with experience in addiction.
I might get solutions instead of stares
Just my 2 cents and my experience
megan
Dolphin123 said
Nov 1, 2005
I agree with Megan. Years ago (i think 6 years), I went to a counselor who flat out told me to leave my husband. This is not uncommon, so after several times I stopped going. I think finding someone who knows about addiction, and I mean from more than just a book, would be very benificial for you. One of the reasons I love alanon is that I don't get advice here, but ESH. I am not at all saying that we should give advice, because what works for one of us, may not work for all of us. But if I was to ever get advice from anyone I would hope they had an alanon or AA background. One of the people I go to for help is from AA with 20 years of recovery. He does not give advice (lol, even though I think that is what I want) he listens and can help me see things in a different light because he has the perspective I don't. I have found that most of the time when I think I want advice, I really don't. I just want to be heard and given a chance to brainstorm with some very trusted people who can ask me the right questions.
I hope you find the help you are seeking.
Much Love,
Maria123 said
Nov 1, 2005
((((((((((Gknee)))))))))))),
If this counselor is not for you, try another one. See if there's one who specializes in addictions.
I have had a few "ill-advised" counselors. I learned quickly to interview the counselors because we are worth good counsel.
I wish you the best. You know your boundaries.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
UncleLou said
Nov 1, 2005
My experience with therapists
The one I was seeing for 'depression' is highly respected and is used by the local courts to give presentations to divorcing couples on parenting skills. When I finally said I admit I'm an alcoholic and started going to meetings, his treatment plan for me hardly changed. No talk of how many meetings a week I went to, if I had a sponsor, a meeting commitment, home group, etc. He would just ask me if I drank during the last week. One of his comments to my wife was, 'just because he's going to AA meetings doesn't mean he can never drink again.' My wife insisted that he had a lot of experience because he worked for 4 years in addiction treatment. This guy implied that he had treated alcoholics much worse than me, they were homeless and would drink Listerene. It's like, Gee thanks doc, I realize you see that MY case of cancer isn't as bad as some others you've seen, you give a lot of people less than a year to live an you've given me two. I understand why you don't think my case is as important as the others. Thanks for the (mis)information you gave my wife too, It really helps smooth things over on the homefront when she tells me I take my treatment too seriously and am hiding behind my disease.
It wasn't till I went away to rehab that I realized what a GOOD addiction councelor is like. Most (but not all) of the best ones were in recovery themselves. They cut out all the crap and see right through the bullshit. They are extremely accepting and non judgemental about the insanity associated with the disease, and openly share their own past insanity to create a comfort zone. They have the empathy only shared only by those of us who lived through the hell of reaching an alcoholic bottom. They have answers to how to recover, not because they studied it and passed a test, they have to live it themselves to survive.
That said, did you speak to your therapist in private about this plan? Is he letting your husband 'go' to reach bottom on his own? If he is, shouldn't you be aware of that treatment plan?
If you are uncomfortable with the councilor, try to find another one. I know it's easy to say but may not be so easy to do. Ask around for recomendations from others in AA or Al-anon.
Hi Jeanne
How odd of the therapist.
Do they have any background at all in addiction?
I went to a counselor for 6 weeks after I left my husband.
She stared in open mouthed horror at some of the stuff I told her.
Flies could have nested in her open mouth.
I soon took to just asking her practical separation related things and left my recovery for alanon.
I would like to find a therapist with experience in addiction.
I might get solutions instead of stares
Just my 2 cents and my experience
megan
I agree with Megan. Years ago (i think 6 years), I went to a counselor who flat out told me to leave my husband. This is not uncommon, so after several times I stopped going. I think finding someone who knows about addiction, and I mean from more than just a book, would be very benificial for you. One of the reasons I love alanon is that I don't get advice here, but ESH. I am not at all saying that we should give advice, because what works for one of us, may not work for all of us. But if I was to ever get advice from anyone I would hope they had an alanon or AA background. One of the people I go to for help is from AA with 20 years of recovery. He does not give advice (lol, even though I think that is what I want) he listens and can help me see things in a different light because he has the perspective I don't. I have found that most of the time when I think I want advice, I really don't. I just want to be heard and given a chance to brainstorm with some very trusted people who can ask me the right questions.
I hope you find the help you are seeking.
Much Love,
((((((((((Gknee)))))))))))),
If this counselor is not for you, try another one. See if there's one who specializes in addictions.
I have had a few "ill-advised" counselors. I learned quickly to interview the counselors because we are worth good counsel.
I wish you the best. You know your boundaries.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
My experience with therapists
The one I was seeing for 'depression' is highly respected and is used by the local courts to give presentations to divorcing couples on parenting skills. When I finally said I admit I'm an alcoholic and started going to meetings, his treatment plan for me hardly changed. No talk of how many meetings a week I went to, if I had a sponsor, a meeting commitment, home group, etc. He would just ask me if I drank during the last week. One of his comments to my wife was, 'just because he's going to AA meetings doesn't mean he can never drink again.' My wife insisted that he had a lot of experience because he worked for 4 years in addiction treatment. This guy implied that he had treated alcoholics much worse than me, they were homeless and would drink Listerene. It's like, Gee thanks doc, I realize you see that MY case of cancer isn't as bad as some others you've seen, you give a lot of people less than a year to live an you've given me two. I understand why you don't think my case is as important as the others. Thanks for the (mis)information you gave my wife too, It really helps smooth things over on the homefront when she tells me I take my treatment too seriously and am hiding behind my disease.
It wasn't till I went away to rehab that I realized what a GOOD addiction councelor is like. Most (but not all) of the best ones were in recovery themselves. They cut out all the crap and see right through the bullshit. They are extremely accepting and non judgemental about the insanity associated with the disease, and openly share their own past insanity to create a comfort zone. They have the empathy only shared only by those of us who lived through the hell of reaching an alcoholic bottom. They have answers to how to recover, not because they studied it and passed a test, they have to live it themselves to survive.
That said, did you speak to your therapist in private about this plan? Is he letting your husband 'go' to reach bottom on his own? If he is, shouldn't you be aware of that treatment plan?
If you are uncomfortable with the councilor, try to find another one. I know it's easy to say but may not be so easy to do. Ask around for recomendations from others in AA or Al-anon.