Well I am still not sure what is going on as for my marriage. He came home, but isn't really speaking to me. He is also sleeping on the couch. It is hard to know if there isn't any communication. I am just going to wait until he is ready. That is all I can do. Well, that and pray. I know I love him and he loves me, but there is a huge distance between us, and that has happened before, and we have overcome it.
I am still hurting, he scared me and that is something that will take time and alot of communication to get over.
When he is drunk or high I have a hard time being around him and being intamate. He feels like I am pushing him away. That has been a struggle with us for the whole 8 years of our relation ship, except for the brief periods of sobriety. And I so crave the affection, we are both very affectionate people. And I know my boundaries are my boundaries, and if it is right for me, it is. But I do have a question------- For those of you with an active alcoholic, do you have the same issues? How do you cope with that? What do you do? LOL, it seems i have several questions.
Like I said I know my boundaries are my boundaries, but at the same time I know how it feels to want the affection and the love, and the intamacy from your partner and not get it.
He doesn't make me uncomfortable or get crude or anything, I just feel like I want to be with the sober guy, but is that punishing him for using?
I am going to print this out and talk to my sponsor as well, but any insight I can get I will appreciate.
Once again I am not saying I am wrong in doing this, just going with my comfort level, but as my marriage is in a possible transitional phase, I am looking at my own attitudes and actions and working on what I need to work on, and seeing what I am willing to change, or if a change is even needed.
Much Love,
gknee said
Nov 1, 2005
I think we honor ourselves as human beings when we are selective about who we
choose to be intimate with and when. I, for one, do not find an intoxicated, bong breathed man
attractive (unless I've been drinking with him). I also have a hard time being intimate with someone I am angry at---and when my husband is active in his addiction, I am pretty much angry and resentful all the time.
I've got a lot to learn from this program yet but I think my self respect is improving-
take care Dolphin-
Jeanne
jamesinasheville said
Nov 1, 2005
I too yearn to re capture the lost intimacy that my wife and I once had. A connection that used to feel so natural is not there anymore. Perhaps with growth in the alanon program some of the resentment that has built up over the years can be broken down. Maybe that's what's blocking the feelings? Maybe I'm afraid to be intimate out of fear of once again being hurt. Whatever it is, things feel different. Not so long ago, even though things were steadily going from bad to worse, I always felt in my heart that we would somehow come through this addiction problem intact. Lately though, I just get the feeling that it's gone for good. My wife has been trying to get and stay sober for 4 years now. When she's active she will drink every waking moment, which she keeps up for 3 or 4 days before drying out for 2 or 3 months before the cycle starts over. I am at a point that I can no longer tolerate the active times and have taken to leaving and threatening to leave for good while the drinking's going on. Actually I've only threatened to leave for good once, this last time, and I mean it and am prepared to carry out the ultimatum. I don't know if this is the best thing to do and most certainly does not promote an environment in which a relationship will flourish but I've about had enough.So though I feel like I'm on a sinking ship, I hang on, telling myself, just ride it out awhile longer and if the water calms, maybe just maybe, there will still be something left to rebuilt upon. I can't be troubled by the fact that I don't know how to rebuild. I can only trust that the tool kit (alanon) is there if I can motivate myself to work it. Thoughts running all over the place not knowing which way to go. Perhaps others can share more in the way of hope on the matter.
peace out, james
leo said
Nov 2, 2005
I can really relate to the intimacy stuff I am having trouble dealing with it with my A who has been dry for 11 weeks. Because I have deep issues with the trust and becoming an active drinker again it is hard for me to show affection. This is just my pocket of protection that I can't get past. Luv Leo x
Jeannie said
Nov 2, 2005
Hi Dolphin,
Only you know what your motives are.
I love my husband and I love when we are intimate; but if I go along when he is drunk, just to appease him, I feel used and annoyed.
Sex should be something we both enjoy, and being crawled all over by someone who reeks of booze is not my idea of enjoyable.
I avoid it like the plague when he is drinking. Not for punishment but for my self respect.
Hello My Dear And Very Much Loved Friends,
Well I am still not sure what is going on as for my marriage. He came home, but isn't really speaking to me. He is also sleeping on the couch. It is hard to know if there isn't any communication. I am just going to wait until he is ready. That is all I can do. Well, that and pray. I know I love him and he loves me, but there is a huge distance between us, and that has happened before, and we have overcome it.
I am still hurting, he scared me and that is something that will take time and alot of communication to get over.
When he is drunk or high I have a hard time being around him and being intamate. He feels like I am pushing him away. That has been a struggle with us for the whole 8 years of our relation ship, except for the brief periods of sobriety. And I so crave the affection, we are both very affectionate people. And I know my boundaries are my boundaries, and if it is right for me, it is. But I do have a question------- For those of you with an active alcoholic, do you have the same issues? How do you cope with that? What do you do? LOL, it seems i have several questions.
Like I said I know my boundaries are my boundaries, but at the same time I know how it feels to want the affection and the love, and the intamacy from your partner and not get it.
He doesn't make me uncomfortable or get crude or anything, I just feel like I want to be with the sober guy, but is that punishing him for using?
I am going to print this out and talk to my sponsor as well, but any insight I can get I will appreciate.
Once again I am not saying I am wrong in doing this, just going with my comfort level, but as my marriage is in a possible transitional phase, I am looking at my own attitudes and actions and working on what I need to work on, and seeing what I am willing to change, or if a change is even needed.
Much Love,
I too yearn to re capture the lost intimacy that my wife and I once had. A connection that used to feel so natural is not there anymore. Perhaps with growth in the alanon program some of the resentment that has built up over the years can be broken down. Maybe that's what's blocking the feelings? Maybe I'm afraid to be intimate out of fear of once again being hurt. Whatever it is, things feel different. Not so long ago, even though things were steadily going from bad to worse, I always felt in my heart that we would somehow come through this addiction problem intact. Lately though, I just get the feeling that it's gone for good. My wife has been trying to get and stay sober for 4 years now. When she's active she will drink every waking moment, which she keeps up for 3 or 4 days before drying out for 2 or 3 months before the cycle starts over. I am at a point that I can no longer tolerate the active times and have taken to leaving and threatening to leave for good while the drinking's going on. Actually I've only threatened to leave for good once, this last time, and I mean it and am prepared to carry out the ultimatum. I don't know if this is the best thing to do and most certainly does not promote an environment in which a relationship will flourish but I've about had enough.So though I feel like I'm on a sinking ship, I hang on, telling myself, just ride it out awhile longer and if the water calms, maybe just maybe, there will still be something left to rebuilt upon. I can't be troubled by the fact that I don't know how to rebuild. I can only trust that the tool kit (alanon) is there if I can motivate myself to work it. Thoughts running all over the place not knowing which way to go. Perhaps others can share more in the way of hope on the matter.
peace out, james
Hi Dolphin,
Only you know what your motives are.
I love my husband and I love when we are intimate; but if I go along when he is drunk, just to appease him, I feel used and annoyed.
Sex should be something we both enjoy, and being crawled all over by someone who reeks of booze is not my idea of enjoyable.
I avoid it like the plague when he is drinking. Not for punishment but for my self respect.
Make your own boundaries adn stick to them.
Love Jeannie