My A was removed from the house last Month and seems to be doing very well in her program.
She has been in and out of programs for 2 years but this is the first time she has been removed from the home.
We care for each other very much and are not looking to divorce.
We have Four kids and and we both love them very much.
We went to the movies last week and talk on the phone a lot.
I care enough to stay away or to be close.
I want her to succeed and I don't want to interfer with her recovery.
Should we start dating again or not?????
KathyS said
Nov 1, 2005
That's a personal choice that you both need to make. When you say removed from the house......I'm not sure if you mean put into a residential recovery program or what.
From my experience, when someone is forced into recovery by any means (courts, probation, family members insistance etc) it simply doesn't work. Recovery is something an addict has to *want* more than anything else in order for it to last and be sucessful.
In order to remain sober your wife has to put her recovery number one in her life right now. Especially at the begining. Even after that, for the rest of her life she has to work her program. After a while, and her completion of the 12 steps, that work can be in the form of simply sharing her es&h with others who are still active in their addictions and suffering.
If this is her first real attempt at getting clean, then I wouldn't try to rush things if I were you. You both have the rest of your lives to be together and enjoy each others company. I would let her completly concentrate on herself and her recovery right now. I remember when my A first went into rehab. It was a short term program (28 days) and his first real attempt at getting sober. At the time I wasn't working on my recovery and I felt resentful that here he was finally clear headed and not using, however still not sharing his time with me because he was there and working on himself. I felt he spent enough time away from me while he was using, and now that he wasn't, I had some kind of claim over his time, as if he owed it to me. Well, unfortunately I let my feelings be known to him (totally selfish of me, but pre program so I didn't know any better) and he ended up leaving the program early, after only 10 days. I had convinced him that *we* could fix his problem and he didn't need to stay the entire 28 days. Sure enough within a short time he was using again. As I learned about the program and started focusing on my own recovery, I realized what a huge mistake I had made and how selfishly I behaved in urging him to come home.
I see now that my feelings at the time were completley normal and many others go through the same thing. They actually feel resentful at the program because now that is what's taking up all their A's time instead of drinking/drugging. That's why they call this a family disease......because it affects everyone in the family. That's also why it's so important for everyone in the family to work their own program and concentrate on their own recoveries. If not, one member becomes healthier and healthier while the other builds more and more resentments. This isn't good for anyone.
So, to sum it up.......I'm glad you're here and working on you while at the same time you're wife is working on her. I hope for true recovery for the both of you.
Dolphin123 said
Nov 1, 2005
That is a very good question.
My "A" and I seperated a few years ago for a one year period. We went through a few months of no contact. -His sponsor was keeping us apart.
When my "A" got his own place we began to contact eachother again. He came over and I made him dinner. I would take our daughter to his place and we would have dinner. We went to the movies. He was there for the birth of our second child. (We seperated when I was 6 months pregnant) We "hung" out together. LOL, at the time we didn't realize we were dating, but we were.
For me that was a beautiful experience. My "A" and I started working on our friendship, we also each worked our own program at that time. We grew back together. It worked for us.
I am now uncertain of my future with this man, but I can say dating worked for us, will it work for you, only you and your "A" and your HPs can figure that out.
I hope it all works out for you.
Much Love,
abbyal said
Nov 2, 2005
Hello Tulemar , i didn't have that option ( to date again) we were living together when husb decided sobreity had to be easier than slowly dying alittle every day, we kept it one day at a time , just get thru the day period . I had a sponsor and meetings to talk things out he had his program too. I take my problems to sponsor or meeting and try and come home with a solution.
You make a decission to let go of the past or not to me it is that simple . I know that if I am looking after me regardless of what my husb did I was going to be ok. His recovery was up to him . I believe that if two people want the same thing and are going in the same direction you have a chance to make it work.
It's not easy letting go of the past but we can't change it its over. I only have today and I made a decission to get the most out of each day in recovery and the past has no part in my future. i wish you luck and like the lady said your the only one that can make that decission. Louise
My A was removed from the house last Month and seems to be doing very well in her program.
She has been in and out of programs for 2 years but this is the first time she has been removed from the home.
We care for each other very much and are not looking to divorce.
We have Four kids and and we both love them very much.
We went to the movies last week and talk on the phone a lot.
I care enough to stay away or to be close.
I want her to succeed and I don't want to interfer with her recovery.
Should we start dating again or not?????
That's a personal choice that you both need to make. When you say removed from the house......I'm not sure if you mean put into a residential recovery program or what.
From my experience, when someone is forced into recovery by any means (courts, probation, family members insistance etc) it simply doesn't work. Recovery is something an addict has to *want* more than anything else in order for it to last and be sucessful.
In order to remain sober your wife has to put her recovery number one in her life right now. Especially at the begining. Even after that, for the rest of her life she has to work her program. After a while, and her completion of the 12 steps, that work can be in the form of simply sharing her es&h with others who are still active in their addictions and suffering.
If this is her first real attempt at getting clean, then I wouldn't try to rush things if I were you. You both have the rest of your lives to be together and enjoy each others company. I would let her completly concentrate on herself and her recovery right now. I remember when my A first went into rehab. It was a short term program (28 days) and his first real attempt at getting sober. At the time I wasn't working on my recovery and I felt resentful that here he was finally clear headed and not using, however still not sharing his time with me because he was there and working on himself. I felt he spent enough time away from me while he was using, and now that he wasn't, I had some kind of claim over his time, as if he owed it to me. Well, unfortunately I let my feelings be known to him (totally selfish of me, but pre program so I didn't know any better) and he ended up leaving the program early, after only 10 days. I had convinced him that *we* could fix his problem and he didn't need to stay the entire 28 days. Sure enough within a short time he was using again. As I learned about the program and started focusing on my own recovery, I realized what a huge mistake I had made and how selfishly I behaved in urging him to come home.
I see now that my feelings at the time were completley normal and many others go through the same thing. They actually feel resentful at the program because now that is what's taking up all their A's time instead of drinking/drugging. That's why they call this a family disease......because it affects everyone in the family. That's also why it's so important for everyone in the family to work their own program and concentrate on their own recoveries. If not, one member becomes healthier and healthier while the other builds more and more resentments. This isn't good for anyone.
So, to sum it up.......I'm glad you're here and working on you while at the same time you're wife is working on her. I hope for true recovery for the both of you.
That is a very good question.
My "A" and I seperated a few years ago for a one year period. We went through a few months of no contact. -His sponsor was keeping us apart.
When my "A" got his own place we began to contact eachother again. He came over and I made him dinner. I would take our daughter to his place and we would have dinner. We went to the movies. He was there for the birth of our second child. (We seperated when I was 6 months pregnant) We "hung" out together. LOL, at the time we didn't realize we were dating, but we were.
For me that was a beautiful experience. My "A" and I started working on our friendship, we also each worked our own program at that time. We grew back together. It worked for us.
I am now uncertain of my future with this man, but I can say dating worked for us, will it work for you, only you and your "A" and your HPs can figure that out.
I hope it all works out for you.
Much Love,
Hello Tulemar , i didn't have that option ( to date again) we were living together when husb decided sobreity had to be easier than slowly dying alittle every day, we kept it one day at a time , just get thru the day period . I had a sponsor and meetings to talk things out he had his program too. I take my problems to sponsor or meeting and try and come home with a solution.
You make a decission to let go of the past or not to me it is that simple . I know that if I am looking after me regardless of what my husb did I was going to be ok. His recovery was up to him . I believe that if two people want the same thing and are going in the same direction you have a chance to make it work.
It's not easy letting go of the past but we can't change it its over. I only have today and I made a decission to get the most out of each day in recovery and the past has no part in my future. i wish you luck and like the lady said your the only one that can make that decission. Louise