after he told me to call when I was ready..he calls.
Kim said
Oct 31, 2005
God, it's so predictable. Just when I am fighting with myself not to call....after he tells me to call when i'm ready, he just couldn't take it and he called. Twice. The third time I picked up the phone. I had to ask, "why..why are you calling me, please respect the boundary of giving me some space." He says he just has a hard time not talking to me every day. Well, so do I, but I did it. He won't. He'll keep it up. God, it is so exhausting. The strength it takes to deal with this disease it is extrodinary.
marmare said
Nov 1, 2005
I used a method of talking to my A in my head so when he called on the 10th day of our seperation it was emotional BUT I was so proud of myself for being able to express myself freely. Hang in there.
Hugs Mary
kitty said
Nov 1, 2005
When I left my ex-husband (addict) I refused to talk to him, he had to go through e-mail. It was a boundary & no way was I ever going to go back on it.
As it stands, with my folks... she kicked him out to the 'pool house' & he must call or IM to be "allowed" to come in the house for food, files or any company of a loving dog. In fact, the last couple days, she won't even give him the privelege of walking the dogs.
It can be "exhausting" but you can preserve your own boundaries by not answering when he calls or (w/ CID) pick it up & hang it up... he might get the hint. Then you will grow in your own self-respect. It all gets easier with practise.
Hang in there, take care of you... progress not perfection.
abbyal said
Nov 1, 2005
They are like boomerangs hon they just keep commin back. can't leave you alone just in case u get happy in between calls . Poor guys are so insecure and confused , don't know what they want or what makes them happy , kinda sound like me before Al-Anon. hehe . this disease is unpredictable and never boring. Set your boundaries and stand firm . Take care of you Louise
UncleLou said
Nov 1, 2005
abbyal wrote: ... Poor guys are so insecure and confused , don't know what they want or what makes them happy ...
I'm over 2 years sober and I'll agree with the insecure and confused part. But I know what I want, the same thing I always wanted, A healthy, loving relationship with my wife, and my family whole again. The problem is we are both so screwed up from the dysfunction we brought into the marriage and the devistating effects of my alcoholism that I still don't know what to do to make things better. It seems that as I am getting mentally, spiritually and emotionaly healthier through AA, my ex wife is stuck in the past. She tried Al-anon for a year, but it didn't change me into what she wanted (ha!) so she gave up on it and filed for divorce. Letting go of a marriage as I am getting better is very, very hard. I see now I have the capacity for forgiving her and detaching from her 'disease' to be there for her to work things out. I just wish she had the same capacity for me, but she's not there yet. She's to busy looking outside herself to see that her problems are inside herself right now. But I still make the mistake of stepping over her bounds when it comes to trying to be there for her and letting her know how much I care about her and want to work things out.
Lou
Kim said
Nov 1, 2005
Thanks Lou,
The difference between you and my A is that you have been working a program for two years...my A can't put together a month of time. Although you are working hard at not stepping over boundaries, you are making progress by recognizing it. This is just blatant self-absorption (my A) I thank you for your input, it always makes me see if my A would commit to a program where he could be but isn't.
I used a method of talking to my A in my head so when he called on the 10th day of our seperation it was emotional BUT I was so proud of myself for being able to express myself freely. Hang in there.
Hugs Mary
When I left my ex-husband (addict) I refused to talk to him, he had to go through e-mail. It was a boundary & no way was I ever going to go back on it.
As it stands, with my folks... she kicked him out to the 'pool house' & he must call or IM to be "allowed" to come in the house for food, files or any company of a loving dog. In fact, the last couple days, she won't even give him the privelege of walking the dogs.
It can be "exhausting" but you can preserve your own boundaries by not answering when he calls or (w/ CID) pick it up & hang it up... he might get the hint. Then you will grow in your own self-respect. It all gets easier with practise.
Hang in there, take care of you... progress not perfection.
T
hey are like boomerangs hon they just keep commin back. can't leave you alone just in case u get happy in between calls . Poor guys are so insecure and confused , don't know what they want or what makes them happy , kinda sound like me before Al-Anon. hehe . this disease is unpredictable and never boring. Set your boundaries and stand firm . Take care of you Louise
I'm over 2 years sober and I'll agree with the insecure and confused part. But I know what I want, the same thing I always wanted, A healthy, loving relationship with my wife, and my family whole again. The problem is we are both so screwed up from the dysfunction we brought into the marriage and the devistating effects of my alcoholism that I still don't know what to do to make things better. It seems that as I am getting mentally, spiritually and emotionaly healthier through AA, my ex wife is stuck in the past. She tried Al-anon for a year, but it didn't change me into what she wanted (ha!) so she gave up on it and filed for divorce. Letting go of a marriage as I am getting better is very, very hard. I see now I have the capacity for forgiving her and detaching from her 'disease' to be there for her to work things out. I just wish she had the same capacity for me, but she's not there yet. She's to busy looking outside herself to see that her problems are inside herself right now. But I still make the mistake of stepping over her bounds when it comes to trying to be there for her and letting her know how much I care about her and want to work things out.
Lou
Thanks Lou,
The difference between you and my A is that you have been working a program for two years...my A can't put together a month of time. Although you are working hard at not stepping over boundaries, you are making progress by recognizing it. This is just blatant self-absorption (my A) I thank you for your input, it always makes me see if my A would commit to a program where he could be but isn't.
Kim,
I just wish my ex could see it.
Lou