Take the focus off of him, what are you doing for you?  What can you do for you?  What have you been putting off, waiting around for him, what have you been wanting to do but there is never enough time or you are wrapped up in his stuff??????  When is the last time you unplugged the phone and soaked in a bath tub, or read a book from cover to cover?  How about baked a batch of cookies?  Made a nice dinner and sat down with candlelight/ (it is okay to do this alone) Watched a movie that made you laugh? Be gentle with yourself. 

Hugs Mary

I needed to hear all that you just said thank you.

Im still working on this too.

I let him borrow my car today as his is in the shop. I did tell him Im going to Curves after work tonight before I take him to get his car. (once in a while a Thank You would be nice!)

I really want to put the $200 charge on his credit card instead of mine. (If he has the $ to buy booze, why shouldnt I make him pay for his car repairs?!)

 

Here's a question: Are one of the reasons that as women we have a particularly hard time with love as detachment because society/culture always assumes that we are the caretakers, the peacemakers in relationships. You know, the perfect wife, the perfect housekeeper, etc? We're so busy taking care of the needs of our families that we forget to take care of ourselves? We always put ourselves last. Men, I'm not blaming you or bashing you. I know there are plenty of you out there who do the same as we do. I'm just wondering if it's more of a societal thing than we realize. Don't be so hard on yourself. Keep taking those baby steps. I've said this many times here. I take "_____ (insert name of pet) Days". I have a cat and on my days off she gets to do whatever she wants. If she wants to spend the entire day chasing the birds, then so be it. So if she can do that, why can't I? Granted I have no desire to catch mice, or frogs , or birds. But I do enjoy taking a day for me. With the exception of my days off when I have appointments, I try and give myself one of those days to be just for me. If I don't feel like getting dressed and spending the day reading, then I do. It's my way of being good to me. With the holidays fast approaching (tomorrow is Nov. 1?!!!), and I work retail, the craziness is just beginning. My "____ Days" are going to become more important, in order to stay sane. You have to make you a huge priority. How else do people get through this? Live strong, Karilynn

Mary:

I think you have a good start with the idea that you are taking in almost moment by moment. I have to do that too. It has been a truggle all day for me today to not call. It is 8:27 and in a few more hours I will be in bed and that will be one day down. I was here a couple of months ago, and it got easier. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. You can do it too. I know it's hard, but do something for you like everyone has said. It does help, no matter how small.

surrendering...

putting yourself first, it is a real challenge to let go...

but the 3 C's work both ways...  you can control yourself, you can change yourself & you can cure yourself.

 

hi, You know, I was thinking how come i don't do that waiting thing. Part of it is I have learned to take care of me and I get involved on my own thing. I am sure too, when he was gone for almost a year, i learned I can be happy without him. i can take care of myself, do all the chores, fix my own vehicle, drag in feed. It felt so serene and I was able to grow up. It helped me to see what was important to me, for me. He had been here on week ends some. Now he is back home to stay. I learned i would rather have him here, than not know how he is, or if he ended up in the hospital his mother would not have told me. Well dang got off track. lol I think i can let it go becuz i really do give it to hp. When he is not here, hp watches over him no matter what happens. I have no control over this. So i just enjoy my time alone. To be honest i don't even think about him much. Sounds awful, but i love him very much. But he is an adult, he has a right to come home when he wants to. He has a right to have some peace or drink or use or be sober. I am not his keeper. I know I would not like someone hanging on me, calling me all the time I am gone. I want the right to choose what i am going to do. We are married, but we have our own separate lives too. When we come together it is really cool. This does not mean we always get along either. But we both know we can talk it out, we share our home and he always knows, no matter what i will love him and he belongs here. Believe me, I remember how you feel. It isn't very pleasant. All I know is this feels so much better. Ya know, I guess since i had the most awful thing happen, first husband got drunk and got rean over, then died a week later, you would think I would be totally freaked out when my now A husband. But I guess what i learned was, all the waisted worry, wasted trying to find him, finding him and draggin him home, keeping tabs on him , did nothing to keep him safe. i had no control over what happened to him. I still ended up a widow for eighteen years. So yes we are powerless. We do our best each day, do what we can,and we also need to find laughter, need to have faith in our hp. Don't know if anything helped. But wanted to respond to you! love,debilyn

Just letting you know you are not alone in this. I used to call my husband as well. When I did it just angered him. I found for me if he decided to go out as he did so many times to get drunk, I needed a plan B. If  I had planned something for us to do together most times it would not happen , he would stay out and get drunk. This also would have to have a plan B. I find most of us in alanon have so many expectations of our A's and when it doesnt work out we fall back into our stinking thinking, and feel depressed and lonley. Learning NOT to have so many expectations from our A's is not an easy task,,,but the saying "fake it til we make it" comes to mind. Also,,,"going to a hardware store to buy a loaf of bread", is also a very good analagy for us looking for emotional and mental stability from someone who has a disease called alcoholism. I hope this helps,,you are doing great, keep up the good work and stay close to alanon friends..............gardengal