Yesterday: sad. Today: angry. I love the bevy of emotions I can feel in a matter of hours. Yesterday, after much conversation about my husband's recent relapse, many tears from him (a first) on how he "can't get it" and me trying to stay "together" and non-reactive, I finally just decided that I need some time. This past month we have been "dating" spending more time together, talking on the phone everyday. Saturday nights had become our date night. Now I'm right back to the original separation as I told him last night that he needs to get some time together. The man has not been capable of putting together a month of time and i don't want to be on this roller coaster. And today I had a revelation: I am his control. He attempts to keep me in his life to control himself. When we were first together and he was trying to stay sober "his way" we would have my stepdaughter every weekend so he wouldn't party (he would never do anything with her around). Not that he said this out loud. It put a tremendous strain on our realtionship, going from being someone's girlfriend to being someone's mommy. Caretaker that I was, I did it. Later on, he was admittant of this being a "control" tactic. Now I feel as if that is the role I am playing in his life. I don't want it. I was fooled into believing this dating thing was an effort to work on our relationship. The separation was an effort to save something. But now I'm back where I started and I am MAD. I feel stuck, going back and forth and not making any progress. I don't know what to do anymore. It is so hard not to call him. But I can't. Just pray for me thatI can stay strong this time.
hudsond said
Oct 31, 2005
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time! It sure isn't fun being the "mommy". My a isn't currently drinking or using, but I still find myself in the mommy role in other areas. We get so aggravated being there, but we are the ones who put ourselves there. I still don't understand how I get in those situations, they're not what I intended, but I look up and there I am. I need to work on this too!!
I will pray that you can stay strong for yourself! It takes courage to seperate and stick to your boundaries! You should be proud of yourself for your decision.
Take care,
Dawn
marmare said
Oct 31, 2005
Work on you and be gentle with yourself.....work at letting go and letting God....then trust that your HP has such great plans for you. Let your A figure it out on his own. I tell you it has been my experience that once I let go things got horrible, but they are getting better, of course my A is still drinking but that's his stuff and if I continue to control and rescue how can my HP get his work done? I was constintly interupting my HP work.....always making demands and deals with my A, now I work on me....Hang in there...
Hugs Mary
Dolphin123 said
Oct 31, 2005
(((((((KIM))))))))),
It is so hard to love an "A". But I wanted to say good for you. You noticed that the behaviors in your "A" and that awareness is a good thing.
Keep coming back, we are here for you.
Much Love,
rosie light shines said
Oct 31, 2005
kim i did that with my EX.....took care of him *covered for him* helped him be *straight/sober*.........
now??? looking back, all i did was prevent him from seeing how bad he was and how he needed help.....withdraw the enabling, and he faces the consequences of his life, and hopefully gets into recovery....i won't help anyone again, like that....they stand on thier own *two's* like me or forget it.,...i want equal partner, not child / parent thing....its a turn off now........just my take, good luck, and stay strong...rosie
KathyS said
Nov 1, 2005
You're going through a lot right now. Go easy on yourself.
From what I've learned......trying to just *stay strong* as far as not falling back into the same old rut with our A's (wether we live together or not) simply doesn't work. It's the same as an addict trying to not use his drug of choice on sheer willpower alone. White knuckling it as they say. It's way too hard and most if not all are simply incapable of doing it.
Instead of just trying to stay strong, I would suggest you delve into this program and *work* it with everything you've got. F2f meetings, sponsor, step work, service work.....the whole nine yards. If you do that, you'll find you no longer have to white knuckle it and always fight to stay strong. It will become so easy to do the next right thing for you. Also, you'll begin to know what exactly that next right thing is quicker and quicker.
Hello all:
Yesterday: sad. Today: angry. I love the bevy of emotions I can feel in a matter of hours. Yesterday, after much conversation about my husband's recent relapse, many tears from him (a first) on how he "can't get it" and me trying to stay "together" and non-reactive, I finally just decided that I need some time. This past month we have been "dating" spending more time together, talking on the phone everyday. Saturday nights had become our date night. Now I'm right back to the original separation as I told him last night that he needs to get some time together. The man has not been capable of putting together a month of time and i don't want to be on this roller coaster. And today I had a revelation: I am his control. He attempts to keep me in his life to control himself. When we were first together and he was trying to stay sober "his way" we would have my stepdaughter every weekend so he wouldn't party (he would never do anything with her around). Not that he said this out loud. It put a tremendous strain on our realtionship, going from being someone's girlfriend to being someone's mommy. Caretaker that I was, I did it. Later on, he was admittant of this being a "control" tactic. Now I feel as if that is the role I am playing in his life. I don't want it. I was fooled into believing this dating thing was an effort to work on our relationship. The separation was an effort to save something. But now I'm back where I started and I am MAD. I feel stuck, going back and forth and not making any progress. I don't know what to do anymore. It is so hard not to call him. But I can't. Just pray for me thatI can stay strong this time.
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time! It sure isn't fun being the "mommy". My a isn't currently drinking or using, but I still find myself in the mommy role in other areas. We get so aggravated being there, but we are the ones who put ourselves there. I still don't understand how I get in those situations, they're not what I intended, but I look up and there I am. I need to work on this too!!
I will pray that you can stay strong for yourself! It takes courage to seperate and stick to your boundaries! You should be proud of yourself for your decision.
Take care,
Dawn
Work on you and be gentle with yourself.....work at letting go and letting God....then trust that your HP has such great plans for you. Let your A figure it out on his own. I tell you it has been my experience that once I let go things got horrible, but they are getting better, of course my A is still drinking but that's his stuff and if I continue to control and rescue how can my HP get his work done? I was constintly interupting my HP work.....always making demands and deals with my A, now I work on me....Hang in there...
Hugs Mary
(((((((KIM))))))))),
It is so hard to love an "A". But I wanted to say good for you. You noticed that the behaviors in your "A" and that awareness is a good thing.
Keep coming back, we are here for you.
Much Love,
kim i did that with my EX.....took care of him *covered for him* helped him be *straight/sober*.........
now??? looking back, all i did was prevent him from seeing how bad he was and how he needed help.....withdraw the enabling, and he faces the consequences of his life, and hopefully gets into recovery....i won't help anyone again, like that....they stand on thier own *two's* like me or forget it.,...i want equal partner, not child / parent thing....its a turn off now........just my take, good luck, and stay strong...rosie
You're going through a lot right now. Go easy on yourself.
From what I've learned......trying to just *stay strong* as far as not falling back into the same old rut with our A's (wether we live together or not) simply doesn't work. It's the same as an addict trying to not use his drug of choice on sheer willpower alone. White knuckling it as they say. It's way too hard and most if not all are simply incapable of doing it.
Instead of just trying to stay strong, I would suggest you delve into this program and *work* it with everything you've got. F2f meetings, sponsor, step work, service work.....the whole nine yards. If you do that, you'll find you no longer have to white knuckle it and always fight to stay strong. It will become so easy to do the next right thing for you. Also, you'll begin to know what exactly that next right thing is quicker and quicker.
Just my suggestions.......