Hello everyone!

Hope you all are okay. 

Today I went to a little harvest celebration with my daughter and her friend.  They are both eight.  Well, everything was fine until Her friend came running over to say that my daughter was all mad at her for playing with another little girl.  So we tried to get them to talk to each other but my daughter started screaming and then ran away.  My mil yelled at her to get back over here this instant and my d started yelling back.  Needless to say I was TOTALLY EMBARRASSED!  Then my d ran away and the other girl ran away and we were searching for them  and my d is yelling "I hate my family, they don't even care about me!!!" And she will not come to the car!  I talk to her alone and she is like"I hate that f---ing a--hole and I won't sit with her and blah blah blah, just totally going offf!  I am shocked at her behavior!

I am calmed down by now and my daughter explains to me that her friend had pushed her down and she was hurt cuz she called her a retard.  I told her that I understood but that her behavior was unacceptable and using foul language was also.  She said she hates it that she cannot control her anger and that she has problems.  It is sooooo scary to me and I am at aloss as to what to do.  She is already seeing a therapist for anger issues.  To be honest I think she may have depression as I do and may need medication.  I don't know for sure but I do know that it hurts to see her struggling like this.  And i remember feeling the same way when I was little.  But at least I am way more aware than my mom was and can be here for her.  But it still hurts because I want her to be happy and well-adjusted and it is hard to deal with all of this.  Especially because I don't really have support from my husband. 

Does anyone else deal with this with their children or have any ideas on how I could help her?  I would really appreciate any help.  Thanks for listening!

With love Julie

 

Julie,

It is so hard as a mother to see your children in pain.. Sounds like your daughter is really hurting inside.  I am no expert but am a mother of two teenagers.  I believe that our children do all kinds of things to get our attention.  Maybe that is what she is doing. ??  Be patient, it is really hard living with an a .. Hard for everyone including our kids... I have to keep reminding myself daily..

God Bless,Tammy 

((((((((((Julie))))))))))))))) I totally hear ya! We think that living with an alcoholic is tough, try living with a little girl who has an attitude!! Keep your head up. My daughter is almost 7, but the same shenanigens happen at my house, and usually at the most unopportune times! When she gets mad (cause I won't let her make a fan out of the bank statement) she always pulls out the big crocodile tears and the "you don't like me"s. I am sensitive already about my parenting, so when she does this in public, I am often worried how people are going to percieve the outrage. I am afraid of my own reaction, as well. How twisted is that??? The one think I have learned is that HALT (Hungry, Lonely, Angry, Tired) applies to a kid as well as an adult. I try to identify if any of those apply first, and by doing that, I remove the reaction side of the mother from hell that I want to be. It forces me to focus on what I can do about the situation, and to take an honest look at the whole thing. Remember, Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Hope that gives you some strength! Take care my friend. The teens are coming ever so fast! Aron in the Mountains

Hi Julie

Believe you and me I'm no expert here....but my daughter was 4 when I left her father who was an active A at the time.  During the next several years my daughter expressed periods of angry and similiar agressive behavior.....but towards me.  The therapist i took my daughter to advised me that it partially was because she knew my love was unconditional and that no matter what she knew I would always be there.  She was angry at me for "running away from daddy" as he often told her.  She told me she hated me and wanted a new mother on many occasions.  I would look at her and simply say I love you know matter what you say to me or how you treat me.....I will always be here. 

Yes....as a mother it can at times hurt and be frustrating to get the bunt end of everything.  I just keep to my guns and reassure her of my love and support.  Her behavior has been really good over the last year and I am no longer conteplating selling her to the gypsies (hahahaha).

Children don't come with a manual.....this has just been my expierence.  Hopes it helps a little even to let you know your not alone.

brandie

Hi Julie,

Having an angry 13 year old daughter I SO hear you!  I personally think you're on the right track explaining to your daughter that her behavior was inappropriate, as was her language.  Were there any consequences to go with that behavior? 

I am what is known as a "jellyfish" parent, I have let my kids walk all over me in the past.  I am learning how to stand up, albeit very slowly.  I use "natural consequences" whenver possible.  Friday evening I had son and daughter in the car we were headed to the mall when they started bickering. By the time we got to the mall it had gotten worse, so after turning off my car, I said "enough fighting, we'll try this trip again tomorrow".  I started the car and we drove straight home (with a whole lotta of begging/whining coming from the back seat).   Saturday afternoon the 3 of us had a very pleasant trip to the mall.

Yes, you are not alone!

Take care.

 

Hi guys

Thank you so much for replying and for your ESH. 

Tammy-Yes, I think you are right that she is hurting inside.  When her Daddy went back to jail when she was three she was very angry for him leaving her and she is afraid of people abandoning her now.

Aron-Yes, after I fed her some dinner, all of a sudden she was so happy!  And she had stayed up very late the night before which I had already thought of.  She tends to get very emotional when tired and hungry.  Great thoughts there!  And i loved that reminder about people that mind...etc.  I need to write that one down and carry it with me because I have major trouble with that concept myself!!

Brandie-Yes, it does help to know that I am not alone.  And i do try to let her know that no matter how she behaves I will always be there for her, that I love her no matter what.  But like Aron says when I don't let her do something like riding her skates in the house, she tells me "I hate you , you hate me, etc."  But I do tell her I love her constantly.

bcanuck-yes, she went to her room when we got home and stayed there with no tv.  then after we talked, she called her friend to apologize for her part in the whole mess.  I too am was a "jellyfish" parent and am learning through Alanon how to stand up for myself and set boundries for my kids' behaviour.  Good job on the mall situation, btw!

Thank you all for your support.  it helps so much to hear about other peoples' situations and that I am not alone.  My husbands way is to just punish and I want to understand why and help them through the situation and learn how to communicate effectively.  And have better lives, ya know?  So thank you very much.

With love and in friendship,

Julie

hey julie..........boundaries!!!  they are never too young to be shown  boundaries!!!!!  i so feel for ya....got a grandniece with HUGE anger prob.....she turned on me, and broke my heart, but i am standing strong...i told her  "IF you want me in your life, you will throw AWAY the abusive behaviour, young lady, bcuz i am NOT takin it"

that was almost 2 wks ago,   no call to make amends   but i will take care of me and defend my boundaries.........rosie