Just a quick question and I hope that no one takes this the wrong way because it's not meant to come across in a negative way. I'm new here and trying to understand, go easy on me, lol. I just notice that husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, etc. that have a drinking problem, the 'disease' called alcoholism, are referred to here as an  'A' . Is this the same for meetings? I have never called or spoke of my husband as my 'A' or my 'Alcoholic'. If this is something that is diagnosed as a disease, how come it's not treated that way when spoke about? I would never call someone I loved that had cancer my 'C'.

Just wondering!

Tandrboo, Welcome. I too had a hard time understanding the lingo at first. I think the reason we use "A" is for clarification. When went to my f2f meetings we started by telling each other who the Addict was in our life. It's not meant to be disrespectful. Yes, addiction is most certainly a disease, but it's different than cancer. I say that with love and respect to survivors and patients of that horrible disease. I'm trying to think of a way to explain this without this coming off as if I'm saying the needs of cancer patients and families is less. Because it isn't. I am a great supporter of cancer research. I donate faithfully to the Lance Armstrong Foundation and to Breast Cancer Research every year. It's a cause I strongly belive in. I've spent the past 30 minutes rewriting versions on how to explain this. You being new to this board, I don't want to scare you off with a long winded post. So I'm going to leave it in much more capable hands. Diva, if you're out there: DON'T FAIL ME NOW! Here you will find great strength, hope, and love. Keep coming back to us. Live strong, Karilynn

I am VERY glad you raised that point because I have thought the same---  whenever I post about my ex, I never felt comfortable saying my ex "a", so rather I would say as much as possible my ex boyfriend, who is an A.   I always felt that by just saying my "a", that made him what he was and he is MUCH more than that..... and we aren't even together and I still felt uneasy refering to him like that--we are what we tell ourselves and others often become that of what they are projected to be over and over and over again.  

Thinking about that concept further, you are absolutely right-- the more we refer to someone or something a certain way, the more we project that to be the case indefinitely.  It's like someone constantly telling themselves I am ugly, fat, or whatever other character trait they believe they are, as the more they say that about themselves, the more they stay that way because they believe that is who they are....  If we force ourselves to say I am beautiful, love my body (despite the size or shape), then we begin to believe that and accept it-- thus, making it natural to say anything less.   I guess you can say calling someone their "a", is someone admitting that they are an alcoholic, but continuing to do so refers to these alcoholics as just that--- alcoholics, not husbands, boyfriends, brothers, sisters, wives, mothers, fathers, etc....   If we really think about that further, than is it quite possible that by projecting the person as an alcoholic, rather than the person they really are, does that contribute to our mindset that things will always be the same?  Very interesting point you raise and again, so glad you did.

I'm not saying that everyone does this and I believe I've even been guilty of it at times, just because it is shorter to type, then say my ex boyfriend, who is an alcoholic-- that would be the ONLY reason I had written that, but only once or twice because like I said, it had really bothered me to type my "a".   Furthmore, a couple of other things bothered me-- when I would type my "a", it was as if I were talking about a belonging refering to "my" and because the person would be refered to as an "a", it seemed to emphasis that this were something that belonged to someone, rather than a person with a character flaw or disease. 

Thank you so much for sharing and bringing up this point.  Like I said, that has been on my mind since I joined this board, but I never really thought to address it like you have...

Take Care!

-- Edited by sanddie at 09:06, 2005-10-29

-- Edited by sanddie at 09:09, 2005-10-29

I, of course, agree with Karilynn. And her explanation is flawless. Now I refer to my spouse as my "A" because it is a heck of a lot easier to type than "alcoholic" each time. As I type the word "alcoholic," it does not fit well under the fingers. It has never occurred to me to wonder any further. Best wishes, Diva

Hi I had a different view of the term A.  I actually thought you were all using it out of respect for the Alcoholic's in your lives by not having to name them.  I feel quite comfortable with it now for that reason.  Luv Leo xx

In my f2f meetings, I have heard the alcoholics in our lives referred to as our qualifiers.  I guess I feel that part of the reason we refer to them as As is to preserve their anonymity.  If my dad had cancer, for instance, and I was in a support group about it, I guess I would just refer to my dad.  However, I am very aware in f2f groups in particular that I may run into group members out in the world when I am accompanied by my daughter, who is the current alcoholic in my life.  I try to keep the focus on me in meetings, but may have referred to my daughter at some point.  Whoever I have run into from the f2f group might remember what I said, and as someone said, she is so much more than an A.  ....  Is this making any sense? 

The reason I brought this up is because I plan to go to my first al-anon meeting tomorrow and I'm not comfortable talking about my husband as if that is all he is, my 'A'. I have issues of my own, a disease too that I didn't ask for and I would certainly hate to be called it. I realize that this is an addiction related disease and some may find it different in comparison to others, I don't but still was only using cancer as an example. They all have their level of severity and this one is right up there with those that can take away the life of a loved one. I talked with my husband about this after attending one of his meetings last night (he got his 6th month token and I am SO PROUD of him!), I told him that I'm nervous about going to my first meeting and told him that I'd have a hard time if meetings do address our loved ones as the 'A' . From his reaction, I could tell it bothered him to be labeled in such a way. Like sanddie pointed out, they are so much more than that. My husband 'had' a drinking problem...Why? Because of this disease called alcoholism. Today he is sober through the grace and care of his Higher Power who we (our family) call God. Although he lives with an incurable disease, he will always be my husband, our children's father, a son, brother, uncle, friend and so much more FIRST.

 We have to remember the word 'powerless' as many of us have been in some point of our lives to someone or something in our life. Nobody wants to be sick, it's not something we ask for, just something we can't control. I know the online world is full of shorten words but I believe in my heart that these people that we love (if we didn't, we wouldn't be here) deserve to have those few extra letters typed out because 'A' sounds too much like 'IT' and 'IT' is too degrading.

I understand the reason to remain anonymous for some but we all are anonymous online, aren't we? As for real life meetings or group discussions, I'm not embarassed nor do I feel the need to protect my husbands identity. I'm not ashamed, I'm very proud and it's not just because he's not drinking anymore, it's because of the person he is and has always been which isn't a disease.

Thank you all for your responses. Again, this is in no way being said negatively against any of you. Everyone is intitled to their own opinions, I'm just sharing mine!

I work at a treatment center and the wording although it means the same the term Alcoholic has changed to Alcohol Dependent, but only for treatment agencies, not for persons themselves.  I love that my I can us "my A" it keeps my A's name out of my postings.

Hugs Mary

Yes, all of our alcholics are so much more than just that. My husband just got his 3 month. I am so proud of him too, along with yours. I prefer the anonymity of saying "A" as well. My husband knows how I refer to him, and he has no problems with it. I also like the idea of it being so much easier to type. To each his own. Enjoy your first f2f. Keep coming back to us. Live strong, Karilynn

Karilynn wrote:

---

Yes, all of our alcholics are so much more than just that. My husband just got his 3 month. I am so proud of him too, along with yours. I prefer the anonymity of saying "A" as well. My husband knows how I refer to him, and he has no problems with it. I also like the idea of it being so much easier to type. To each his own. Enjoy your first f2f. Keep coming back to us. Live strong, Karilynn

---

If you use "A" and "My husband" in the same post, aren't you admiting who he is anyway? I feel strongly about this topic only because I have never looked at my husband this way. To me, it is like calling him the disease. I also respect everyone views/opinions. You're right- To each his own. Congratulations to your husband and thank you for responding!

there are many here who also use the term recovering a. that seems like that would fit your description of your husband. congrats to him and his recovery. i too use a as a shorter way to type my common law husband an alcoholic/drug addict. he is still active. but i dont leave it at that. i tell stories about what he is as well. just because he is active does not mean he is horrible. he shows he loves me in many different ways. i tell stories good and bad. i understand where you are coming from. like i said use the term recovering a if that fits better.

It is simply an abbreviation we've adopted here... just the same as lol, ftf, ty, yw, etc. 

Some do not wish to say just who their qualifier is, being able to simply type "my A" simplifies matters. 

As for it being derogatory, it is certainly not meant to be.  As I look at it, my hubby is a wonderful caring man, he also has a horrible disease, he is much more than his disease, but I'm not here because of all the other things he is... I am here because of this disease and its affects on me and my family.  Saying my hubby, "the A", is simply stating a fact.  He IS an A, he is an alcoholic, he will always be an alcoholic, whether active or in recovery.  To me it is the same as stating I'm an F (female)... its just a fact.  Yes, being a female is not all there is to me, I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings, etc.... but yes, i'm an F.  

Saying my A is not meant to be derogatory. In fact accoding to many counselors, until they are ready to accept the fact that they are alcoholics, the healing can not begin. To say I have a drinking problem or something along those lines is rationalizing it, not calling it what it is. It would be a mouthful for them to admitt to being a person who is powerless over alcohol over and over again. So would it be hard to abbreviate it "Apwipoa".

My Grandpa was in recovery for 30 years and till the day he died, he openly reffered to himself as an alcoholic in recovery.

When we are posting, we may mention our spouses, our childrens, friends etc in our posts, but the reader may not know which one is the alcoholic we are speaking of, and which ones are just family members etc we are mentioning.

                                      Love Jeannie

My husband also refers to himself as an alcoholic but when he meets someone or goes to a meeting he doesn't say hi, I'm an alcoholic or I'm the alcoholic..he says hi "I'm so and so and I'm an alcoholic". The "so and so' name takes the emphasis off of alcoholic showing that they are more than just that (in my opinion). Shoot, I can be just about the whole alphabet, A-Z if I think about it long enough, lol.

I've never heard anyone with any other disease being calling by it's first letter so it just struck me as odd. Who knows, maybe over in the AA forums, we're being called their 'B' LOL!

 

If I may, I'd like to give this alcoholics opinion on this. Whatever I am called when it pertains to my disease is NOTHING compared to the insane, horrible, inappropriate behavior I exhibited while drinking. I am what I am and it is what it is. I just thank God for relieving me of the hell of my disease for today. If you choose to call me an alcoholic, a recovered alcoholic, an A, a drunk, a sot, an addict (although ususally associated with drugs, I'm still addicted to alcohol) a drunkard, a cronic drinker, a lush, a problem drinker, a boozer.... I DON'T CARE! I earned every one of those labels through my past behavior and I am at peace with that today. I would start to question the quality of my sobriety if I let my skin get a little thin about stuff like that, it really isn't that important to ME. I do not speak for any other A, so don't assume that all of us with the disease feel the same way.

Lou

Thank you for responding to my post, of course, coming from someone who has this disease says a lot to me. Like I said earlier, I am not attacking those that use 'A' to refer to their loved one, I am just trying to understand why it is used and if it is used at the al-anon meetings. "I", myself, would not be comfortable.

Personally, I'm not comfortable calling him anything other than my husband. However, like you, I'm sure he feels that he has earned each and every one of those labels. I don't blame my husband one bit for any of his actions back when he was active but then again, I never felt it was that bad or if I did, I also felt, I did just as much, being the non-alcoholic wife. We don't need to have a disease to act inappropriately or hurt the people we love.

I've lived with this my entire life, my father was a drug addict, God rest his soul, I loved him dearly and know that he did many things that he didn't mean to do to hurt any of us. If I can't forgive and forget, how can I expect our Higher Power to do so? I prayed and prayed and prayed for my father to go to heaven and be forgiven for his sins. Outside the funeral home, it was a bright and sunny day and a rainbow appeared circling all of us down below. I still to this day get the chills when I think about it. I do believe!

"Yesterday is only a memory, Tomorrow is simply a vision. Today well lived, makes every yesterday a memory of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope."

This is a great saying to me and I truely believe that we can make all the yesterday's a happy memory if TODAY, we live well and have hope for tomorrow- That's all any of us can do.

 

 

Remember growing up we were always told no such thing as a stupid question. Well that is a true statement. If you didn't ask, how would you find out? Anyway we are not easily offended here.

Ok now on to your question, In my f2f meetings we usually referr to the alcoholic or addict in our lives as "my alcoholic" For me it goes with Traditon 11. The last line in that tradition is "We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members" Well I take that to heart. My "A" has an unusual name. So I always refer to him as my "A". My Community is not that small, but by saying his name, I am protecting his anonymity.

And also when you type aloholic over and over it is easier to shorten it to "A".

I hope you have found your answers in the many posts.

Much Love,

Uncle Lou,

As always your post is honest and enlightning. Thnaks so much for the perspective you share.

                                         Love Jeannie