I thought I was OK with the divorce. I didn’t like it, never wanted it, but was beginning to accept it. Then she hit me with the tears and sadness about how she screwed things up, she’s so sorry for the way she treated me and the things she did, she didn’t understand till recently what I was going through in early sobriety, she shouldn’t have gotten involved with another guy, she shouldn’t have spoken to some of the angry divorced people she did, she was so angry and hurt and confused she couldn’t think clearly, etc. She tells me she never wanted the divorce, she feels it was a mistake and that she was pushed into it by friends family and her councilor. She was told that making a decision was better than making no decision. She is now saying that these same people are telling her to go forward on her ‘path’ not to go back.
This is really tearing me apart. A this point in our journey, both of us are looking back and saying ‘this is not what either of us wanted, we both screwed up royally and really hurt the other person, I never wanted it to come to this.” To me it seems incredibly foolish not to stop and re-examine where we are and how we got here. Why continue on the same path once you realize that you are on that path as a direct result of anger, fear, misunderstanding, bad advice, and not following your heart. There are two children who don’t deserve any of this mess.
After my ex started opening up to me, I started to realize a few things that were too painful to me face before. I really love her and want us back together. I screwed things up so bad out of fear and insecurity. We have so much to be thankful for that we are throwing away. I have changed and grown so much in my two years of sobriety, and I realize I still have a lot of work to do. I think my ex is finally seeing that she needs to work on herself also, but I told her I’m willing to work through this with her. I have read so much and spoken to a lot of couples who have worked through tough times and are in healthy relationships now. I feel in my heart we can do this. There are so many things we haven’t even tried yet because we have spent so much time going down the wrong path. Sometimes when I try to talk to her about this we make some major progress and I feel we're getting closer, and othertimes I unintentionally push her away. It 's too important to me to not try something. This is so painful right now I can’t stand it.
Lou
-- Edited by UncleLou at 08:22, 2005-10-28
Karilynn said
Oct 28, 2005
Lou,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
If both of you really, truly believe that you have made a mistake then you go foward. If you two (operative word two here) really feel that you are headed down the wrong path again, then change directions. Go the other way. Take the road less traveled.
You may not be able to get the house back, but there might be other alternatives. Just because you're divorced, doesn't mean that you have to live apart does it? Yeah, I know the conventional wisdom says you're a divorced couple that means you now have separate lives, blah, blah, blah.... But since when is addiction and recovery conventional? Everybody does it differently. Maybe in order for you and your family to be a family again, you all had to go through this in order to get to a better place. Doesn't make you feel any better does it? But I can't help believing that we have to make a mess in order to clean things up. Why else would after 22 years of waiting to be with my A are we still living apart? Things happen for a reason. And when the rotten things are happening it hurts like hell.
There is something very different in the sound of your post this time that makes me think that both of you will find your way through. But if the two of you really, truly love each other than there is always hope. Hope and love is what keeps us going.
Hang in there. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your wife. Let the hurt and frustration come out if it's there and then let it go. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Relationships are complicated and they are certainly not cookie cutters. The only people who truly know what is going on in your hearts are the two of you. Follow you hearts. If it bucks conventionality, then so be it. Heaven knows my A and I. We have a very loving, challenging and unconventional marriage. You know what? I wouldn't change it for the world. Do what you need to do to take of yourself and your family.
As always you are in my prayers. Would that I could snap my fingers and make all of this go away for all of us.
Live strong,
Karilynn
Diva said
Oct 28, 2005
Hi Lou. First let me say I am sorry that you and your former wife are going through this agony. Now that you have both realized that possibly a huge mistake was made, you must face it squarely and decide where the two of you go from here. I would make no immediate commitment, but instead would date her...romance her...get to know her all over again. And if the thing is worth salvaging, time will tell you for sure. Rushing back into a commitment at this point might prove to be unwise. One day at a time...easy does it...These slogans have new meaning.
My best wishes to you and your former wife. I truly hope in my heart that your relationship works out to the satisfaction and happiness of both of you.
You're in my prayers, Diva
Dolphin123 said
Oct 28, 2005
Lou,
All I can say is pray. Pray to your HP. Work your porgram. Has she gone back to alanon?
My "A" and I split up for a year several years ago. We both got healthy during that year and found our way back to eachother. His sponsor was the one who told him to break up with me. And when I called for my "A", he was living with his sponsor, this man would never give my "A" my messages.
That year was the most painful thing I have ever been through. I made it, and we made it. Working my program helped me to get by one-day-at-a-time. I became close to my HP. I soon came to trust that if my "A" and I were meant to be, we would be. When I finally was able to let that go, to let the obsession of him go, my life became more managebale and I focused on me.
It sounds like your wife needs some healthy people to talk things through with, her freinds and family sound toxic.
I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
Much Love,
sanddie said
Oct 28, 2005
UncleLou:
My prayers are with you and your ex for comfort and guidance to get through this time. May God help you both be clear in the direction that He meant for this to go. You are at a crossroad right now and the thing that always needs to be done is wait patiently for God to answer, bring you peace with the decision you make. You will ALWAYS know it is God's decision because you will have internal peace that goes along with that decision. I didn't realize that feeling of peace was ultimately God's way of telling me this is His way at the time until I dated my ex for 3 years on/off. For those 3 years, we would split for a time (a month or two) yet, I wasn't settled-- I didn't have closure, I had pain, but not peace along with it. I always felt that I had let him down because of mistakes I had made and in turn, we'd end up back together. I knew it wasn't time to end the relationship as painful as it was to stay in it.
The last year we were together, something clicked-- suddenly I KNEW with all my heart that this breakup was it. Although, it was excruciating painful to make the decision, I KNEW this time was it because I also had peace in my soul-- pain in my heart as if it would explode, but peace, anxiety subsided..... It took me 2 months to stop the tears everyday practically and then over the next couple of months, maybe once or twice a week. By 6 months, I was thanking God for seeing me through because I realized that wasn't the relationship for neither one of us. Oh, I still think of him-- but finally know that I could run into him and not ever expect anymore than a conversation... no expectation of a relationship or future for us. Other than friends perhaps someday, but not now I know. :) Someday though, I hope to be able to talk with him and maybe be friends, but I'm not pursuing that because again, I don't have peace about that choice in my life right now.
ANY decision we make, we need to feel peaceful in having made it. If their isn't peace inside of us then it isn't time. Bottom Line! Don't force yourself to make a decision right now-- ask God for guidance and strength to find your peace so that you can think clearly about what is best for both of you. Just because the two of you aren't together doesn't mean that you are apart, if that makes sense. I was talking with a man in my class last night who told me that the first 5 years of his marriage, he hadn't seen his wife, but once a week if that because he is in the military. When I hear stories like that it melts my heart because I realize how two people must clearly love eachother to be able to be apart like that, yet remain in the relationship loving eachother so deeply.
The true test of love is that which stands the test of time and distance. I like to compare it to the love and faith we have in God. A person who has faith in God without having seen God prove his abilities and just trusted God is truly blessed. A person who can love another so deeply without it being necessary to be together is definitely a gift from God and will stand the test of time. Give it to God and then just be still, wait for His answer-- it will come. :)
debilyn said
Oct 28, 2005
Ok this is one of those i had a huge post for you and it blipped off. Gads I hate that!
Marriage is a precious thing, and very hard. In my experience there has been a
bunch of times I wanted to do the divorce, then the next week or month i am so thankful I didn't.
You guys are already married, I see no reason to cont. the process. It can be put on hold,
I would check, but I believe it is for two years.
You know how we always hear marriage is a lot of work? Well that is what you are
doing now. I think its really cool you guys want to keep working on it.
I used to think I could not count the years we were married. Becuz we have had
so long between living together. But we always end up together, neither of us cheat.
If you believe you can forgive her for cheating then do so!! Says in the Bible that
is the only way you are free except death. But it is better to forgive if they are sorry.
Do it for you guys, not for the kids. Then it will spill over onto them.
If I were you, I would ask her if she would like to look into alanon. Marriages where
both spouces are on a program have a much better chance of making it.
Also a great book is, "Getting Them Sober."
I am happy for you both. Marriage to me is such a special thing and so worth any
efforts to keep it going.
I am concerned with what you said about her friends and whoever telling her what to do.
It is one thing to listen to others experience or to hear what they might do. But to me
it is totally wrong for anyone to tell anyone else what to do.I hope she will
follow her own heart/mind.
Well I sure hope you guys keep working on it. It is worth it. When you get older, it
will mean even more. It really is not fun being alone in your fifties. You come to need
each other. i mean for more than when you are younger.
For instance my hands are sadly arthritic, I cannot lift things anymore and
typing hurts. He carries things for me. Or he cannot see up close, so I take out his
splinters. I take my glasses off and cannot find them. He is farsighted and
can find them.
Anyway i hope to read you guys are going to cont. to work on stuff.
Much love,debilyn
nmike said
Oct 28, 2005
Uncle Lou,
I hope that this sounds like support because after going through a separation with my husband I really feel for you. When I read your posts I ask myself who is the alcoholic/addict here? Some things that your ex does sound like things the alcoholic does. Maybe your relationship is like ours in that it is a co-addicted relationship because we are both codependent. Meaning that we are both too immature to have an adult relationship until we find better/adult ways of taking care of ourselves. This way we are better able to give of ourselves to our partners.
I say take it one day at a time or you may end up right back where you were! I hope your miracle happens for you two as well as for my husband and I.
In support,
Nancy
TLC2 said
Oct 28, 2005
Dear Uncle Lou,
I am praying for you both. If you truly love each other, you will make it! I firmly believe that. My ex and I didn't make it 'cause the only thing we had in common was that we both loved him.
With my A, it seems that no matter what happens, we always really love each other and get back together. I don't think either of us knew really what love was till we found each other. It's a very special and wonderful thing. Although we haven't said "I DO", I feel more married to him than I ever did my ex. I know he truly loves me as I love him.
I know you have both been through a lot of pain, and some of it is so hard to forget, but if you both still love each other... you'll make it! The house is just an object, it can be replaced. It might be better to start off in a new place anyway so you won't be reminded of the bad things. I know that is the case in my case. Each time I go to my A's house, it's like a slap in the face. It brings back awful memories. He wants to sell it, but it is tied up as collateral for the house his son lives in. Anyway...
Does your wife (ex-wife?) have a program like Alanon? Friends may mean well, but can really screw you up. A lot of times, they only hear the bad parts when we're angry with each other, or they may have just been through an ugly divorce, etc., etc. I think you really need to concentrate on each other right now and let the rest of the world work out their own things. I have a very strong belief in my HP, and HE is the only one (besides Alanon) I bring my troubles to. He is always there for me, even when I think HE isn't :)
I live near the water and love the beach. Whenever I am really down, I go to the beach. I feel my HP closer there. I remember one time,( I was nearly near suicide). I went to the beach. The sound of the waves always calm me, (although I love storms too), I can really relate to them :). Anyway, I was in the depths of dispare, and asked God to show me a sign that He was there. Just after I asked that, I found a beautiful rock.( I have been a rockhound since I was knee high to a grasshopper.) It was a very special rock, and I knew my God had answered me!! Then I had a feeling that I had never felt in my life before, pure joy! I knew from that time on that my God was always there for me.
Praying to my God for you both, TLC
jrtjosey said
Oct 28, 2005
Uncle Lou - So sorry for mixed emotions. Just remember to take your time and remember all you have been through already. FOOLS RUSH IN becareful, you have every right to be cautious, but don't get sucked back into the drama. Stay alert and stay open minded! Only HP knows what is best.
Hugs, josey
david62 said
Oct 28, 2005
Howdy ((((Lou))))
I sure do feel your turmoil. It is an extremely difficult place to be in. Just when you think you have things in hand and that you know the path you are going to go down, things change in the blink of an eye. I often wonder myself how I would react if my ex wife were to come back to me now and say some of the things your wife is now telling you. Not actually being there, my overall feeling is no, I would not return to that relationship. No matter how much I could still care and love her, there are trust issues for me with her, that I am afraid I would just never really be able to heal.
I wonder at the motives of your ex wife now. Is she only now really coming to the realization that your marriage is over, and panicking! Reacting out of the fear of what her future will be without you there for her. Why did she end her new relationship?
Lou, I understand your mixed feelings and also how your children of course come into play in your looking at the idea of reconciliation.
Hard decisions to make my friend.
I agree with what jrt has to say, try to keep an open mind Lou, pray for your HP's guidance and that He will help you see through the fog of emotions to what's real.
Go slow and cautiously. Protect yourself with the armour of this program.
I will be praying for you and your ex wife to know God's plan for you both.
Yours in Recovery,
David
leo said
Oct 29, 2005
Hi Lou,
As I have said before I hope things work out for you but I would not throw caution to the wind with your feelings just yet. I would say take small steps, slowly does it. Take Diva's advice try the courting, romance again. There is no need to make any big committment at this time. Talk to your wife about how you felt about the relationship before from your point of view and what brought both of you to the divorce in the first place. Enjoy each other's company again with no kids around. Let the sale of the house go through and then if the love is strong enough you will end up back together. HP in the end will guide you. Luv Leo xx
cdb said
Oct 29, 2005
Hello Uncle Lou,
You sure got alot of great suggestions. I will pray for you too that you gte answers in HPs time. What's the rush? I have met people here too that did get back together and resented it. No one knows the future. Just take it slow and easy, work on you with your program and dont' worry about what anyone else thinks. It is your life and not theirs. RE-read the replies here too a bunch of times on different days and they will have some new meaning to you too.That is what I do. God Bless,,cdb :)
I thought I was OK with the divorce. I didn’t like it, never wanted it, but was beginning to accept it. Then she hit me with the tears and sadness about how she screwed things up, she’s so sorry for the way she treated me and the things she did, she didn’t understand till recently what I was going through in early sobriety, she shouldn’t have gotten involved with another guy, she shouldn’t have spoken to some of the angry divorced people she did, she was so angry and hurt and confused she couldn’t think clearly, etc. She tells me she never wanted the divorce, she feels it was a mistake and that she was pushed into it by friends family and her councilor. She was told that making a decision was better than making no decision. She is now saying that these same people are telling her to go forward on her ‘path’ not to go back.
This is really tearing me apart. A this point in our journey, both of us are looking back and saying ‘this is not what either of us wanted, we both screwed up royally and really hurt the other person, I never wanted it to come to this.” To me it seems incredibly foolish not to stop and re-examine where we are and how we got here. Why continue on the same path once you realize that you are on that path as a direct result of anger, fear, misunderstanding, bad advice, and not following your heart. There are two children who don’t deserve any of this mess.
After my ex started opening up to me, I started to realize a few things that were too painful to me face before. I really love her and want us back together. I screwed things up so bad out of fear and insecurity. We have so much to be thankful for that we are throwing away. I have changed and grown so much in my two years of sobriety, and I realize I still have a lot of work to do. I think my ex is finally seeing that she needs to work on herself also, but I told her I’m willing to work through this with her. I have read so much and spoken to a lot of couples who have worked through tough times and are in healthy relationships now. I feel in my heart we can do this. There are so many things we haven’t even tried yet because we have spent so much time going down the wrong path. Sometimes when I try to talk to her about this we make some major progress and I feel we're getting closer, and othertimes I unintentionally push her away. It 's too important to me to not try something. This is so painful right now I can’t stand it.
Lou
-- Edited by UncleLou at 08:22, 2005-10-28
Lou,
All I can say is pray. Pray to your HP. Work your porgram. Has she gone back to alanon?
My "A" and I split up for a year several years ago. We both got healthy during that year and found our way back to eachother. His sponsor was the one who told him to break up with me. And when I called for my "A", he was living with his sponsor, this man would never give my "A" my messages.
That year was the most painful thing I have ever been through. I made it, and we made it. Working my program helped me to get by one-day-at-a-time. I became close to my HP. I soon came to trust that if my "A" and I were meant to be, we would be. When I finally was able to let that go, to let the obsession of him go, my life became more managebale and I focused on me.
It sounds like your wife needs some healthy people to talk things through with, her freinds and family sound toxic.
I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
Much Love,
UncleLou:
My prayers are with you and your ex for comfort and guidance to get through this time. May God help you both be clear in the direction that He meant for this to go. You are at a crossroad right now and the thing that always needs to be done is wait patiently for God to answer, bring you peace with the decision you make. You will ALWAYS know it is God's decision because you will have internal peace that goes along with that decision. I didn't realize that feeling of peace was ultimately God's way of telling me this is His way at the time until I dated my ex for 3 years on/off. For those 3 years, we would split for a time (a month or two) yet, I wasn't settled-- I didn't have closure, I had pain, but not peace along with it. I always felt that I had let him down because of mistakes I had made and in turn, we'd end up back together. I knew it wasn't time to end the relationship as painful as it was to stay in it.
The last year we were together, something clicked-- suddenly I KNEW with all my heart that this breakup was it. Although, it was excruciating painful to make the decision, I KNEW this time was it because I also had peace in my soul-- pain in my heart as if it would explode, but peace, anxiety subsided..... It took me 2 months to stop the tears everyday practically and then over the next couple of months, maybe once or twice a week. By 6 months, I was thanking God for seeing me through because I realized that wasn't the relationship for neither one of us. Oh, I still think of him-- but finally know that I could run into him and not ever expect anymore than a conversation... no expectation of a relationship or future for us. Other than friends perhaps someday, but not now I know. :) Someday though, I hope to be able to talk with him and maybe be friends, but I'm not pursuing that because again, I don't have peace about that choice in my life right now.
ANY decision we make, we need to feel peaceful in having made it. If their isn't peace inside of us then it isn't time. Bottom Line! Don't force yourself to make a decision right now-- ask God for guidance and strength to find your peace so that you can think clearly about what is best for both of you. Just because the two of you aren't together doesn't mean that you are apart, if that makes sense. I was talking with a man in my class last night who told me that the first 5 years of his marriage, he hadn't seen his wife, but once a week if that because he is in the military. When I hear stories like that it melts my heart because I realize how two people must clearly love eachother to be able to be apart like that, yet remain in the relationship loving eachother so deeply.
The true test of love is that which stands the test of time and distance. I like to compare it to the love and faith we have in God. A person who has faith in God without having seen God prove his abilities and just trusted God is truly blessed. A person who can love another so deeply without it being necessary to be together is definitely a gift from God and will stand the test of time. Give it to God and then just be still, wait for His answer-- it will come. :)
Uncle Lou,
I hope that this sounds like support because after going through a separation with my husband I really feel for you. When I read your posts I ask myself who is the alcoholic/addict here? Some things that your ex does sound like things the alcoholic does. Maybe your relationship is like ours in that it is a co-addicted relationship because we are both codependent. Meaning that we are both too immature to have an adult relationship until we find better/adult ways of taking care of ourselves. This way we are better able to give of ourselves to our partners.
I say take it one day at a time or you may end up right back where you were! I hope your miracle happens for you two as well as for my husband and I.
In support,
Nancy
Dear Uncle Lou,
I am praying for you both. If you truly love each other, you will make it! I firmly believe that. My ex and I didn't make it 'cause the only thing we had in common was that we both loved him.
With my A, it seems that no matter what happens, we always really love each other and get back together. I don't think either of us knew really what love was till we found each other. It's a very special and wonderful thing. Although we haven't said "I DO", I feel more married to him than I ever did my ex. I know he truly loves me as I love him.
I know you have both been through a lot of pain, and some of it is so hard to forget, but if you both still love each other... you'll make it! The house is just an object, it can be replaced. It might be better to start off in a new place anyway so you won't be reminded of the bad things. I know that is the case in my case. Each time I go to my A's house, it's like a slap in the face. It brings back awful memories. He wants to sell it, but it is tied up as collateral for the house his son lives in. Anyway...
Does your wife (ex-wife?) have a program like Alanon? Friends may mean well, but can really screw you up. A lot of times, they only hear the bad parts when we're angry with each other, or they may have just been through an ugly divorce, etc., etc. I think you really need to concentrate on each other right now and let the rest of the world work out their own things. I have a very strong belief in my HP, and HE is the only one (besides Alanon) I bring my troubles to. He is always there for me, even when I think HE isn't :)
I live near the water and love the beach. Whenever I am really down, I go to the beach. I feel my HP closer there. I remember one time,( I was nearly near suicide). I went to the beach. The sound of the waves always calm me, (although I love storms too), I can really relate to them :). Anyway, I was in the depths of dispare, and asked God to show me a sign that He was there. Just after I asked that, I found a beautiful rock.( I have been a rockhound since I was knee high to a grasshopper.) It was a very special rock, and I knew my God had answered me!! Then I had a feeling that I had never felt in my life before, pure joy! I knew from that time on that my God was always there for me.
Praying to my God for you both, TLC
Uncle Lou - So sorry for mixed emotions. Just remember to take your time and remember all you have been through already. FOOLS RUSH IN becareful, you have every right to be cautious, but don't get sucked back into the drama. Stay alert and stay open minded! Only HP knows what is best.
Hugs, josey
Howdy ((((Lou))))
I sure do feel your turmoil. It is an extremely difficult place to be in. Just when you think you have things in hand and that you know the path you are going to go down, things change in the blink of an eye. I often wonder myself how I would react if my ex wife were to come back to me now and say some of the things your wife is now telling you. Not actually being there, my overall feeling is no, I would not return to that relationship. No matter how much I could still care and love her, there are trust issues for me with her, that I am afraid I would just never really be able to heal.
I wonder at the motives of your ex wife now. Is she only now really coming to the realization that your marriage is over, and panicking! Reacting out of the fear of what her future will be without you there for her. Why did she end her new relationship?
Lou, I understand your mixed feelings and also how your children of course come into play in your looking at the idea of reconciliation.
Hard decisions to make my friend.
I agree with what jrt has to say, try to keep an open mind Lou, pray for your HP's guidance and that He will help you see through the fog of emotions to what's real.
Go slow and cautiously. Protect yourself with the armour of this program.
I will be praying for you and your ex wife to know God's plan for you both.
Yours in Recovery,
David
Hi Lou,
As I have said before I hope things work out for you but I would not throw caution to the wind with your feelings just yet. I would say take small steps, slowly does it. Take Diva's advice try the courting, romance again. There is no need to make any big committment at this time. Talk to your wife about how you felt about the relationship before from your point of view and what brought both of you to the divorce in the first place. Enjoy each other's company again with no kids around. Let the sale of the house go through and then if the love is strong enough you will end up back together. HP in the end will guide you. Luv Leo xx
Hello Uncle Lou,
You sure got alot of great suggestions. I will pray for you too that you gte answers in HPs time. What's the rush? I have met people here too that did get back together and resented it. No one knows the future. Just take it slow and easy, work on you with your program and dont' worry about what anyone else thinks. It is your life and not theirs. RE-read the replies here too a bunch of times on different days and they will have some new meaning to you too.That is what I do. God Bless,,cdb :)