Hi,

I have come to the point where I just need to get out of my marriage.  I'm 48 yrs. old and have 2 children at home, ages 13 and 7, boys.  My husband & I have been married for 16 yrs.  He is an alcohol & in the past (as far as I know, a drug abuser-coke & pot.  He has been off work for an injury (workman's comp) for over a year, closer to 2 yrs. and has been basically LIVING in the bar since his Dr. okayed him off work (the very next day actually).  This is nothing new since the bar has been a big priority of his for years, but is especially so since this accident.  I live with him being gone sometimes 4-6 days a week, from morning until the wee hours of the morning the following day.  He is always drunk when he comes home, slurring his words, and I know he has a high tolerance for alcohol, so I'm guessing he's really putting them away in order to get to this most visible condition.  When he's home, he sleeps on the couch not with me (which in most ways, is a good thing in my opinion).. he can sleep the entire day away and then fall back asleep for naps during the evening (when he's actually home).  When sleep isn't his thing, he's laying on the couch watching TV w/ the remote.  Period.  That's it.. nothing more.  I feel like I live with an invalid. As I said, though, he finds the strength to sit at the bar often, plays pool, plays cards up there, plays the slot machines they have in there, he's on two pool leagues and is always betting on the car races, basketball/football games, etc.  Why, he's even found time for golf this past summer and four-wheeling with a new buddy of his (I'm sure his insurance company and his lawyer would be happy to hear that)!  He borrows money when he doesn't have it to be up there.. so when he does finally get his w.c. check in the mail, he keeps a portion to fund his fun each weekand to pay back his loans.  He is emotionally and verbally abusive to me and each year, he gets worse.  I work at home online doing transcription for a company in another state.  I don't make a lot of money and have no insurance benefits, etc.  We had insurance when he was physically working but no longer.  He has picked up a small 'side job' working at this bar, bartending (yeah.. what a surprise, eh?), where he works sometimes only for tips as he's borrowed his paycheck there beforehand.  He sticks this pay into his own pocket for his own fun, too.  As it stands, his w.c. insurance is pulling another goodie on us and they haven't sent a check for 3 weeks.  I had to sign my kids up for free lunch yesterday at school.  (They did this to us last year for almost 6 months .. no w.c. checks during that time, so here we go again).  Today, I have 26 miles before empty in our vehicle (which he says is 'his' as is everything else in this place-- I have nothing per him), we have no milk in the house and are getting close to being down to zip for groceries.  Bills are adding up and I've made all the arrangements I can to try to get us by.  My checks, by the way, go for 'my share' (per him) of the bills.. which means, if I am lucky to get $500 every two weeks, he snatches it up to 'pay for the bills' since I'm so 'worthless' etc. etc. etc.  He has had me in a corner for a long, long time and I'm breaking out.  Thing is, I have no bank account with anything in it.. I have nowhere really to go and I feel very overwhelmed at this point.  I don't know where to even begin on my own, much less with two children and I am taking them most definitely!  My 'so called marriage' has made me feel broken, empty, alone, ugly, isolated, with no self-esteem left. I have done my share of begging, crying, threatening to leave (but, alas, where would I go?).. and nothing works with him.  I'm sick of living with him.. there has been no sex between us for over 4 months and everytime we have before that, he tells me quite frankly that I am 'no good' and can't satisfy him.. he'd be better off "taking care of himself" on his own.. which I know he does.  I feel a wreck. He is no good for me, I can't even call him a 'friend' much less a partner or a lover. I want out. I want to take that deep fresh breath to start over but I need some advice.  I have my mom, 84, who lives in this town and a son, 23, trying to make his way on his own in Florida.  My sister, 8 yrs. older than me, is three states away and none of us are financially well off.  I don't know where to start.  Any advice would be appreciated.  He is going to be getting a 'settlement' for this injury, an offer hasn't been made yet, but he has said that he will put that in his account and take my name off of his account and I will get nothing.  That's his plan.  I am at a loss .. I need some advice of step by step what to do and how.  Thank you. 

Thank you for your heart felt share. I could understand alot of it. My husband when he drinks is very verbal and emotion abuse. It becomes very hard at time to deal with that. I learn in Alanon there is nothing I can do to stop or change him. Everything takes time. It has gotten better for me I have been in the program for almost a 1 now next month. It has taken alot of time and patience to work on my self. Try and find a face to face meeting, and try and get a support system togehter. Whether it is staying at someones house, or someone listening to you talk on the telephone. Everything is important.Try and think of you only and you will be able to find the solution.

Hi Donna,

Thanks for your post. You have a lot to handle. I have learned in Alanon to take it one day at a time sometimes one hour at a time. You can't do it all at once. When you have been married a long time, it takes a long time to transition. I would think that the priority would be your children and making sure they are in a good place mentally and physically. The A's are very, very selfish. Don't get me started on the golf. That's what my A does. You are not what he says you are - that is about him and not about you. Get to a f2f meeting if you can. We are here to help you and support you.

In support,

Nancy

It sounds like you have made your decision and want to move on.  That is very courageous.  I know it must be overwhelming.  Have you looked into a women's shelter, they may be able to help you for a little while, or they may be able to "hook" you up with counsel, or someplace where you can stay.  Do you go to church?  If so have you talked to your preacher/pastor they may have some ideas on how to help.

It may take a little while, but things will work out if you just trust in your HP.

I am so sorry for the difficult time you are going through.  I hope you find the help and answers you need soon. I will pray for you and your family.

hudsond

Donna,

Sorry that you are going through this. Living with an "A" can be so hard.

Go to meetings, take care of you. Only you know if you should leave or not.

Keep coming back to this site, we are all here for you!

Much Love,

Hi Donna and welcome,

It sounds from your post that you have hit your bottom.  The only way to go from here is up. There must be agencies who have people available to help you find somewhere else to live. That would be a good start.   Set up your own bank account (I did that years ago).  With each step you take, you will find the strength to take more steps, however small, to help you and your children to heal.  One day at a time.  Glad you're here. Keep coming back, we all have different situations but our one common link is that we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanagable. 

Bonnie

Well, it definately sounds like you have made a decision and that is great.  My sponsor always told me.......when the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving, that's when you make a move. 

Here are some of the things I would do if I were you:

1.  I would try to set up an emergency place to live.  Perhaps your sons for a short time, or even your moms.  If neither of those pan out.......I know if you're like me you don't want to hear this one, but maybe consider a shelter.  You would be safe, and they offer so many resourses to help you get on your feet.  Just a thought.

2.  Once I had my home covered, then I would stop contributing so much as a dime to him and the household you both share.  Sounds like he makes enough money to cover the expenses there, and even if he doesn't.......you'll know you'll have your shelter covered when you are ready to go.  This will force him to either contribute his money to the bills in order to keep a roof over his head, or let it all go and end up in a dark house with no phone all by himself until he eventually gets evicted.  I certainly would not give him any more money toward anything whatsoever.  If he has access to your check than set up a new bank account and have your money direct deposited into it every payday.  This way your earnings will go toward your new life instead of enabling him to continue in the selfish fashion that he is like they do now.

3.  I would be researching divorce lawyers and making phone calls immediatly.  The day I moved out I would file for divorce, custody of my child and support.  All of this can be granted temporarily until you actually sit down in court and everything gets decided.  I would apply for half of his settlement as well as any money he has coming in.  I'm sure a lawyer could advice you the best way to do this.

4.  In the meantime, as soon as possible I would contact an abused womens shelter or hotline and get their advice.  They will help you come up with a detailed plan for how you will make this move.  Getting all your important paperwork out first, maybe even in a safety deposit box temporarily.  I don't think they are expensive at all.  They can advice you on what types of assistance you may be elegible for.   Food stamps, medicaid, childcare, job finding services and sometimes even cash assistance.  There are also many places available that help you with deposits on a rental, electric and water deposits and bills.....all kinds of things are out there if you search for them.  Maybe contact a few local churches and see what they have to offer as far as help moving, furniture donations, food pantries etc.  Try to have every area covered as you plan your move this way things won't seem so overwhelming when the time comes.

Those are some of the things I would do for starters.  Continue to work on your program and recovery this way you remain strong and committed to what you want to do.  Don't let fear keep you frozen.  Pray and trust God to open doors for you and guide you in the direction you are meant to go in.  Good luck!

Hi,

Thanks so much for all your advice and everyone who gave their advice on the board for me. 

I am one step closer to my decision of leaving.  It's funny how these days, the very thing I'm so dead set against.. his using the alcohol and being in the bar all the time..almost seems like a haven for me now.  I mean, I have seen him cold stone sober and home and drunk and out all day & night and I have come to the conclusion that he is actually NICER and easier to get along with when he's really ripped with booze.  It's amazing to me since I've been struggling for so long to see him give up the bottle & the bar and now when he is home and not drinking, which isn't very often, I almost prefer seeing him in that state.. at least I don't have to listen to him rant & rave at me, call me names and say hideous things to me when he's under the influence.  I feel like I'm married to two different people.. it's scary.  I just can't see myself coming out  in a win-win situation with him being in my life anymore.  I had a big confrontation with him yesterday, as a matter of fact.  This is a norm for him.. He gets over $600 a week in workman's comp. and has this side 'job' bartending .. so there's at least another $40 each day he does that not including tips.. Meanwhile, I stay at home, I'm with the kids all the time, stuck with housework that I can't keep on top of, not to mention being stuck here w/ no vehicle to use (he takes it and parks it up there at the bar) or $.. I work full-time online doing transcription and I get interrupted a lot.. I bring in only about $500, if that, every other week.. and sometimes I can't even make that.. depends on how many interruptions I've had.  I usually find myself (like today) practically chaining myself to the computer the last few days of the pay period to try and get as close to $500 as possible (and let all my other stuff pile up, i.e., housework, etc.).. Meanwhile, he's gone spending his $ on alcohol and his 'fun' and I'm supposed to turn over my entire check to him for bills (anything OVER $500 is mine, per him.. ha ha--I'm lucky to MAKE $500 in two weeks).  I get no help at all from him when he is home, which is rare..  and he gets EXTREMELY upset if I don't 'pull my weight' and bring in at least $500 each pay period.  It's gotten to the point where i get a knot in my stomach knowing that he's going to ask me 'where are you (money-wise) right now for your paycheck?"  He did this yesterday afternoon and when I told him, reluctantly, he fumed about how I'm 'not up to where (I) should be'' etc.  This went on and on and his rage got worse.  He finally ended the conversation by calling me a F---ing C--t and throwing a punch at me but stopping about 10 inches from my face.   I'm just sick of this and that's the worst thing he can call me in my opinion.   If I make any mention of how I am sick of this and I'm going to get a divorce, he goes into the 'death chat' of how "you can't collect anything if you're not living.." and how "do you know how many people get away with things like that these days?"   He has taken up a morbid fascination with watching COURT TV and all the murder shows, etc.  I'm sure it's either that he is fulfilling his wishes inside his head or that he's taking notes..  Last night, I was extremely dubious about falling asleep as my two boys were gone, spending the night with friends.. He has said things often enough to me about 'doing away with me' that I honestly don't trust that he wouldn't try it .. I may be paranoid but when you hear it so often, it starts becoming truth.  I made an appointment for next Tuesday with a lawyer for a consultation.  It makes me ill that I just purchased, from a friend, a good *used* living room set.. of course, HE'S the one who makes use of it all the time.. since he sleeps on it nightly and lays on it any other time he's home, flipping the channels on the TV.  I guess all I've done is give him a more 'comfy' bed and relaxation spot here.  I don't trust him to not go wild on me when he finally does find out that I'm going to file for divorce and slash/break my things.. including my livelihood, my computer.  I have tried to reason with him even about going our separate ways .. that we could do it peacefully and still maintain some degree of friendliness, but of course, if he thinks I can get any $ from him at all for anything through divorce, he throws threats, fits, etc.  Money ( HIS MONEY and everything is HIS ACCORDING TO HIM)  is HIS #1 PRIORITY along with his fun times/alcohol.  I only want to find some peace and get my life back and give my boys a decent life.. that doesn't include seeing their dad take off at every opportunity for the bar or sit here unresponsive to anyone (watching TV or sleeping).  This is definitely not what I bargained for 16 years ago... not at all. 

Anyway, I appreciate so much having someone to chat with about this.  I feel isolated most of the time and your advice was something that I can work to do.  If wishes were something 'readily attainable' I'd close my eyes, make a wish, and get the person he was before we got married.. unfortunately, I have to remember what I really have in him (reality)  and not what I WISH I had in him as a partner.  In seeing things that way, I don't have a lot to lose..

Thanks again to all of you.  I will keep in touch .

Donna :o)

Donna,

After a certain length of time in an abusive situation, we no longer consider it abuse, but just how our life is.  What you are experiencing with him IS most definately abuse.  Mental, emotional, verbal and if it hasn't happened yet, I'm sure very soon physical. 

When someone threatens to kill you, and keeps bringing it up over and over as he's doing, that is something to take very seriously.  Never doubt what an angry sick person is capable of.

You really need to get out of this situation, for both you and your boys.  If there's anything we can do to help please let us know.