as I know its not helping DS

Everytime DH begins drinking I say to DS "well your father is at it again" His response "Yes, Mom I know"

I know I need to act like the adult here. DS knows whats going on without me making it blatent.

Yes, you do need to stop saying this to your child. This kind of thing catches the child in the middle. Your child can clearly see what is happening, even without you pointing it out. He may be annoyed and hurt by Dad, but he loves him just the same. I am sorry that you are going through the agony of living with an active A. I send you a big hug. ((((((((((Barbara))))))))))))) Diva

Instead, how about showing him that you are working the alanon program and teach him how to deal with alcoholism. Be his mentor/model. :) I'm far from perfect, but my goal for my son is for him to know that he at least has one solid parent that he can always count on and learn from. It depends on me to try to raise a well rounded young man. I make a point to not belittle his father, his father is part of him and also part of who my son is as a person. Why not allow him to see his Dad in the best light possible? There are no rose colored glasses here, it is what it is, but if I belittle his Dad, I belittle my son. Christy

that makes sense

"when I belittle Dad, I belittle my son"

which I would never deliberately do

and yes he needs 1 solid parent

When I was reading this board last night I actually minimized it when DS walked past. Maybe I need to show him what Im doing.

oh yeah,   bringing in  A's inventory to a child is real destructive......my kid is NOT responsible for meeting my needs to vent about her dad  etc......that is my responsibility...rosie

I have to agree, it can be harmful. When I was a young teen my mom would sit and complain to me about my dad, sometimes for hours. I hated it, would try to change the subject, tell her I didn't want to hear this, etc, but she would not listen, just went on and on, wouldn't let me leave. Not only did this poison my relationship with my dad, it also poisoned the one with my mom, as I grew to hate talking to her. I didn't realize how this had affected my life until I went into therapy. Then I saw the parallel bewtween those long sessions with my mom, forced to listen to her complain, not allowed to say anything or leave, and those long sessions with my drunk husband, while he bitched about his job, or his enemy at work (he always had an enemy at work, funny, that). Again, not allowed to say anything, not allowed to change the subject, not allowed to leave. I hated it, but it was what I was used to, so it felt in a sick way comfortable to me, and I allowed it. There may not be any real parallels with your situation, but it doesn't help your son to be put in the middle in any way. If you need to vent, you can come here and vent to us, it won't do us any harm.