Hi all. I've been lurking here for a while, but this is my first post. I really need a voice of reason. I need someone to tell me to get a grip.
Here's my problem: I'm the wife of a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober for three years now. He's heavily involved in AA. He's so heavily involved in AA that I feel very left out. Basically, I feel like he has nothing left for me. He won't share anything with me. I understand and respect the anonimity, but for goodness sakes, you'd think he was involved in top secret CIA stuff. I am jealous of the amount of time he spends. I am jealous of the other women in the group who have made it a point to gush about how open and honest my husband is. He isn't open and honest with me. I am sick of hearing statements like, "Oh, it's an AA thing, you wouldn't understand." And when he does include me in AA events (picnics, parties, etc) it is so brutally obvisous that I am an outsider that it makes both he and I uncomfortable. I have honestly considered developing a crack addition just so I can go through recovery and have something in common with my husband. How sick is that????
But the most painful part of it all is that I feel like I have no right to feel this way. What kind of person am I to be resentful of the program that literally saved his life? I even feel guilty for leaving this post because I know there are people on this board that would gladly give up their problems for mine.
Either way I'm miserable.
Diva said
Oct 27, 2005
You are human, and as such, have human feelings, emotions, and foibles. Now here comes...if there ever was a voice of reason, it's me...Have you shared with him what you have just told us? If not, tell him how you feel. OK. If you've already done that, you must take extra measures to get his attention. How about sharing a warm bubble bath with candles burning? Yep, seduce him! Bet he'll be ready any time for more of that!! Plan an activity involving just the two of you. A picnic or an afternoon out for lunch and shopping in the TOOL section!! Go to the beach for a couple of days. Walk in the sand, even if it's cold. Some of my best conversations with my A have been while walking in the sand. Do you have a hobby? How about enrolling in a class at the local university or art school? Or a gourmet cooking class? If you're not already, get yourself fit. Take walks...take the dog. Do you work outside the home? If not, try it on a part-time basis. Learn a different language. (I got annoyed and bored once and learned to speak Russian!) Go to a garage sale.
Tell him you are proud and happy that he has involving himself in AA, and his years of sobriety have been a God-send that you pray will go on forever. Praise his achievement and allow him to do what he thinks necessary to help others. Try to shake the feelings of jealousy, and replace those feelings with positive ones so that you can be a compliment to what he considers important. Perhaps then he will become more considerate of what is important to YOU. Make it clear to him that you have needs, and among those needs are his company and companionship. Do try not to take his involvement in AA so personally. Do realize that some people, and I dare say some of the people here, would give a right arm to see their spouse sober and involved in AA.
Come back often and share with us. You'll find good people here.
With best wishes, Diva
Emmie11 said
Oct 27, 2005
Hi Searching,
The feelings you are having are totally normal, very common for a spouse married to someone who is actively drinking but then finds recovery. I am attaching links to two chapters below from the AA Big Book, addressing the spouse of the alcoholic, and how the family operates after the alcoholic has stopped drinking. I think if you read them you will hear some things that sound familiar.
Sometimes we have the impression that when our loved one sobers up, all our problems will be resolved. Some problems are, but if we had a tendency to focus our attention on the drinking or the drinker and his/her drinking behavior, when they stop drinking, we lose the hub our life revolved around. Many people in Al-Anon find that they had grown to rely on being needed in the way active alcoholics need others...when the alcoholic finds AA, the spouse often feels left out, no longer useful, and frustrated that a group of strangers has helped our loved one in a way we could not.
Alcoholism is a family disease, with a set of physical, emotional, and spiritual symptoms for the person who drinks the alcohol and an equally serious but different set of symptoms for the people that come into contact with the person drinking. What you are experiencing is very typical of those secondary symptoms.
I suggest you look into face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area and get to one as soon as possible. I have lived my life in contact with alcoholism, had tried everything I could think of--religion, self help books, therapy, drinking myself, you name it-- to get relief from my pain and struggles, but the only thing that has ever had measurable success in addressing my problems is the Al-Anon program. It has changed my life. The resentment toward your husband and his program as well as the guilt you are carrying for feeling resentful about those things will be eased when you develop a support network of your own, people who understand you and all that you have gone through.
There is so much hope in recovery-- as your husband has done, seek a program for yourself to fill the emptiness that you are experiencing. Alcoholism is a very isolating disease...you will not believe how helpful it can be to feel a part of a fellowship.
Searching:
Welcome!
For once I'm going to keep this short and sweet: Ditto what Diva said. This is why she is indeed THE DIVA!
The voice of reason.
Live strong,
Karilynn
nycbt said
Oct 27, 2005
WELCOME
I know the feeling of feeling left out. But you should join and alanon group so that you have people as well you can talk to.
canadianguy said
Oct 27, 2005
What kind of person are you to feel that way about AA & his recovery program? YOu are human, and have feelings - that's what kind.... The feelings you are having are very natural and normal....
Like most things in our programs, the answer lies in taking care of yourself - learning, reaching out, talking to others.... getting into Al-Anon, becoming less dependant on what "he" gives you.... In time, it may work itself out, or it may not.... either way, you are WAY further ahead, if you get yourself healthy!
There are good books on how to deal with recovery... One that comes to mind is "Getting Them Sober", volume four, by Toby Rice Drews.
Hope that helps.... you are not alone in these feelings...
Tom
nmike said
Oct 27, 2005
hi searchingforself,
Your dilemma is mentioned in much of the Alanon literature like the Forum, Big Book, etc. I guess we are separate people. I think the suggestions here are great for you. To have your very own recovery program would be helpful and your very own Alanon support group. From my experience with my sober A, they are very underdeveloped emotionally. You can only ask for what you need and then let go of the outcome.
In support,
Nancy
Dolphin123 said
Oct 28, 2005
Searching,
I love the story of Lois, she along with the help of Anne, started alanon. One day his husband was about to go out to a meeting and she ended up throwing a shoe at him.
I come to alanon to have people who have been in my shoes and know my feelings so that way I don't focus on him and put the focus back on me, where it belongs.
Hi all. I've been lurking here for a while, but this is my first post. I really need a voice of reason. I need someone to tell me to get a grip.
Here's my problem: I'm the wife of a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober for three years now. He's heavily involved in AA. He's so heavily involved in AA that I feel very left out. Basically, I feel like he has nothing left for me. He won't share anything with me. I understand and respect the anonimity, but for goodness sakes, you'd think he was involved in top secret CIA stuff. I am jealous of the amount of time he spends. I am jealous of the other women in the group who have made it a point to gush about how open and honest my husband is. He isn't open and honest with me. I am sick of hearing statements like, "Oh, it's an AA thing, you wouldn't understand." And when he does include me in AA events (picnics, parties, etc) it is so brutally obvisous that I am an outsider that it makes both he and I uncomfortable. I have honestly considered developing a crack addition just so I can go through recovery and have something in common with my husband. How sick is that????
But the most painful part of it all is that I feel like I have no right to feel this way. What kind of person am I to be resentful of the program that literally saved his life? I even feel guilty for leaving this post because I know there are people on this board that would gladly give up their problems for mine.
Either way I'm miserable.
Hi Searching,
The feelings you are having are totally normal, very common for a spouse married to someone who is actively drinking but then finds recovery. I am attaching links to two chapters below from the AA Big Book, addressing the spouse of the alcoholic, and how the family operates after the alcoholic has stopped drinking. I think if you read them you will hear some things that sound familiar.
Sometimes we have the impression that when our loved one sobers up, all our problems will be resolved. Some problems are, but if we had a tendency to focus our attention on the drinking or the drinker and his/her drinking behavior, when they stop drinking, we lose the hub our life revolved around. Many people in Al-Anon find that they had grown to rely on being needed in the way active alcoholics need others...when the alcoholic finds AA, the spouse often feels left out, no longer useful, and frustrated that a group of strangers has helped our loved one in a way we could not.
Alcoholism is a family disease, with a set of physical, emotional, and spiritual symptoms for the person who drinks the alcohol and an equally serious but different set of symptoms for the people that come into contact with the person drinking. What you are experiencing is very typical of those secondary symptoms.
I suggest you look into face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area and get to one as soon as possible. I have lived my life in contact with alcoholism, had tried everything I could think of--religion, self help books, therapy, drinking myself, you name it-- to get relief from my pain and struggles, but the only thing that has ever had measurable success in addressing my problems is the Al-Anon program. It has changed my life. The resentment toward your husband and his program as well as the guilt you are carrying for feeling resentful about those things will be eased when you develop a support network of your own, people who understand you and all that you have gone through.
There is so much hope in recovery-- as your husband has done, seek a program for yourself to fill the emptiness that you are experiencing. Alcoholism is a very isolating disease...you will not believe how helpful it can be to feel a part of a fellowship.
Best wishes, and keep coming back!
Emmie
http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/chapter_8.html
http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/chapter_9.html
-- Edited by Emmie11 at 11:45, 2005-10-27
WELCOME
I know the feeling of feeling left out. But you should join and alanon group so that you have people as well you can talk to.
What kind of person are you to feel that way about AA & his recovery program? YOu are human, and have feelings - that's what kind.... The feelings you are having are very natural and normal....
Like most things in our programs, the answer lies in taking care of yourself - learning, reaching out, talking to others.... getting into Al-Anon, becoming less dependant on what "he" gives you.... In time, it may work itself out, or it may not.... either way, you are WAY further ahead, if you get yourself healthy!
There are good books on how to deal with recovery... One that comes to mind is "Getting Them Sober", volume four, by Toby Rice Drews.
Hope that helps.... you are not alone in these feelings...
Tom
hi searchingforself,
Your dilemma is mentioned in much of the Alanon literature like the Forum, Big Book, etc. I guess we are separate people. I think the suggestions here are great for you. To have your very own recovery program would be helpful and your very own Alanon support group. From my experience with my sober A, they are very underdeveloped emotionally. You can only ask for what you need and then let go of the outcome.
In support,
Nancy
Searching,
I love the story of Lois, she along with the help of Anne, started alanon. One day his husband was about to go out to a meeting and she ended up throwing a shoe at him.
I come to alanon to have people who have been in my shoes and know my feelings so that way I don't focus on him and put the focus back on me, where it belongs.
Keep Coming back.
Much Love,