Habit sometimes locks us into relationships, which are not in our best interest. It is easy to mistake dependency for love. When we stop overeating compulsively, we can evaluate our attachments to other people with greater clarity and perception than was possible when we continually escaped into food.
#####ROSIE.....oh for me, as a child, i was forced...than i carried that being a victim in my "free life".....i got into one bad relationship after another....like so many ships in the night...they would "drop anchor" in my life, harm me, and than "sail off into the sunset" either becuz i got rid of them..or they dumped me!!! either way.....my life was a revolving door for bad relationships....than i went the OTHER way....i shut EVERYONE out!!!! the drawbridges were up....the moat was filled with aligators....NOone was getting in!!!! i was alone!!! and i was becomming more and more bitter and more and more despairing because i had NO company, and because i hated me so much, the company i DID have , i did not get along with........yep, i was gonna break my habit of abusive relationships by wrapping layer upon layer of barb wire around my heart.......when i got into recovery, and began to work on ME...my relationship with Me....with God...with Life...slowly AS i learned to love/ take care of me....this negative pattern of attracting bad relationships OR allowing the *keepers* to cross my boundaries/ be abusive, STOPPED!!!!! i get tested every now and than, but AS i prove to my inner child/ me that i am NOT going to allow/ associate with ANY abuse/ destructive behaviour, its like there is a sign on my head now!!!! "we do not serve abusers".....i don't attract them anymore....i attract way better relationships now.....
Our OA friends act as sounding boards for us as we try to sort out the healthy from the unhealthy relationships in our lives. We may find that for our continued growth we need to move away from old emotional entanglements, which are hampering our progress with the program. Abstaining from a harmful relationship can be as difficult at first as abstaining from compulsive overeating! The same physical restraint is necessary to keep ourselves from following old habit patterns.By taking Step Three, we make all of our relationships with other people subject to the will of our Higher Power. When God comes first, other loves fall into their proper places.....Show me how to love.
#######ROSIE....i go to meets/ share on boards...talk with sponser....and my fellowship with fellow *12Steppers* and i stay level....i read/ listen to their shares, and i keep myself balanced....as i manage / overcome codependency i am becomming less and less afraid to "let the good ones in" because i trust in my HP and me to use *discernment*.......abstaining from the negative patterns i grew to protect me from complete destruction......i have a grand niece who has a BAAAD anger problem....she has the temper of a bull moose in rutting season--she "went off" at me for NO reason, and i shut her down!!! told her "IF you want a relationship with me, you are going to have to throw OUT that abusive anger of yours, because A--i dont' do it to people....B--i don't associate with it..there is NO room for that destructive behaviour in my life".......she has YET to call me/ make amends...instead , i get this email ( so personal right??) from her *justifying* her anger outburst at me.....i just wrote her back and said that my positition stands....i will NOT allow abuse in my life and i am prepared/ have accepted for the fact that i will let her GO, rather than let her *slam my serenity* .....i worked TOO danged hard to get where i am at...went through TOO much abuse B4, and i am NOT letting ANYone derail my recovery!!!!! ...yes, i use steps 1,2,3...i am powerless over other people's negative stuff, but i CAN either *wallow in it* and be miserable?? OR i can remove myself from it....set boundaries....take care of me..... oh i can FORGIVE her , IF she wants to make amends...but i forgive WITH boundaries........and yep, i know i may have to "let her go" "keep my distance"..but i also trust in my HP, that when a door closes (becuz i did the right thing by me) another, better door will open.....really, i look at it this way..there are TWO options here!!!!! #1... i can KEEP the abuser (out of my former fears of abandonment), LOSE my recovery, possibly still end up alone and MINUS my recovery................OR, #2 , i can let GO the abuser, KEEP my recovery, end up alone, however i am alone and WITH my recovery.........so which scenario is the better?????? now?? #2 wins by a "knockout".......thank you DONE
sanddie said
Oct 25, 2005
So, what happens when you can never get away from them)? Phone calls continue, so turn off the phone, don't answer, delete voice messages without listening, then next thing you know you're served papers to be in court (just to keep it all going), create financial hardship. Then get in court and have him just tell the judge that he hasn't talked to me in a long time and the judge listens, while I sit with proof (paperwork and tape recorded message that the judge won't even take and has no interest in seeing my proof that he is lying. Instead, the judge says my proof isn't good enough whether it be doctors written letters regarding our daughter, school staff officials who have seen all that is occuring, plus his character is tainted due to his excessive drinking and has been in jail and is facing another sentence.
What happens when you try to disconnect the phone, yet have your children he continues to contact to keep it all going? What happens then, when he takes you to court, just to have the judge say, Your honor, she won't let me see my son, as he hasn't visited me in 6-months, in which 3 of those months he was in JAIL, yet blames me. Still, the judge acknowledges him, NEVER me-- Being forced to give up my home due to this unecessary crap. So how to you get away? When it affects your entire world, all that you work for and the harder you try to succeed above the negative people in your life, the past keeps you held to it?
Gosh, I'm so tired.... losing all that I worked to provide for my children, a home, good education, participation in sports (not much though), and staying in an area long enough for them to develop stable friendships, people that can trust. All this soon to be gone from their life because my ex continues to try and make it difficult. I guess it wouldn't be so bad because normally I can handle it all cause I've had well paying jobs, but now the one I'm in is abusive and they are pushing me out, intimidating me and triggering all this CRAP of emotion that I felt with my ex-- the verbal, emotional abuse in an attempt to make me quit.
So how do you get away from your past when it never leaves you? It's like an old wound with a scab... it begins to heal, then someone rips off the scab and it's a fresh wound again. Well, 9 years out of my divorce this still occurs, thousands of dollars of counseling.... friends that I thank God for, but can't keep relying on them because they have lives and issues of their own to deal with-- nothing changes. I'm tired , and there's times I just want to give up, but give up to what? God? I do that each and everyday and the more I do, the more it seems this all comes at me. One thing is for certain, this life I am living is hell on earth. What we are all living.
cdb, there must be something in the air or perhaps just many, many, years that is wearing me down, as it does you and others. The truth is, I don't want to go to a face to face meeting because my faith is most important in my life and not being able to discuss that turns me off from the meetings. The Pastor of the church I had attended is gone, moved to another location-- have no friends in the area so it's tough. My parents are close by, but I am told by my Mom that my reaction to all this is horrible-- Oh yeah, I lose it-- swearing, angry and whatever else you want to call it cause as most of you know you start to feel crazy about it all. She doesn't understand the emotions cause she chose to just be cold, never cry (she told me that not too long ago) That she made up her mind a long time ago when she cried that she would never do it again. So of course-- how can she understand.
This triggers so much more in me emotional. I talk about just moving to another state to get away from my ex and all the people who are continually keeping me in my past cause of continued contact with their abuse. My mom says, "Well, you can't run away from yourself". It REALLY pisses me off when she says that because she seems to think that I am weak for wanting to move away from my ex and all this crap with people I've faced all my life. I've worked hard to get where I am, fighting to complete my education so that my kids see not to give up, forcing myself to stay positive to continue on and my Mom says I cannot run away from myself. I like myself, I love what I do for work, I love my hair, my body (even with the extra weight), my intelligence, my compassion for people and my faith in God Yet, she tells me I can't run away from myself. I said to her is it so wrong to want to be away from people who are abusive, as if I'm weak.... I completely lost it, she said, "Your response to it is like you're losing your mind" and of course, I replied I believe I am, but 21 years of this is way too much.
She said to me she does understand because she has lived with these types of people, talking about my father particularly-- But, she doesn't understand because the difference is that she stayed and continues to fight with him and him with her. I chose to leave the abusive relationship, yet it continues. There is a HUGE difference. I'm trying so damn hard and tired of nothing changing-- seeing my children suffer through it all too, only to have my ex blaming me for it, despite the so many people who have helped us all throughout the 9 years in this recovery. Yet, all he has to do is tell a judge what he "feels" and the judge listens.
I'm close to losing it all-- For what? I just don't understand.
Thanks for listening....
nycbt said
Oct 27, 2005
Hi good post. THe first half is good because you talk about shutting down. It is important not to shut people out because they will be able to help you. There are always arms waiting to hold you.
Abstaining from Harmful Relationships
Habit sometimes locks us into relationships, which are not in our best interest. It is easy to mistake dependency for love. When we stop overeating compulsively, we can evaluate our attachments to other people with greater clarity and perception than was possible when we continually escaped into food.
#####ROSIE.....oh for me, as a child, i was forced...than i carried that being a victim in my "free life".....i got into one bad relationship after another....like so many ships in the night...they would "drop anchor" in my life, harm me, and than "sail off into the sunset" either becuz i got rid of them..or they dumped me!!! either way.....my life was a revolving door for bad relationships....than i went the OTHER way....i shut EVERYONE out!!!! the drawbridges were up....the moat was filled with aligators....NOone was getting in!!!! i was alone!!! and i was becomming more and more bitter and more and more despairing because i had NO company, and because i hated me so much, the company i DID have , i did not get along with........yep, i was gonna break my habit of abusive relationships by wrapping layer upon layer of barb wire around my heart.......when i got into recovery, and began to work on ME...my relationship with Me....with God...with Life...slowly AS i learned to love/ take care of me....this negative pattern of attracting bad relationships OR allowing the *keepers* to cross my boundaries/ be abusive, STOPPED!!!!! i get tested every now and than, but AS i prove to my inner child/ me that i am NOT going to allow/ associate with ANY abuse/ destructive behaviour, its like there is a sign on my head now!!!! "we do not serve abusers".....i don't attract them anymore....i attract way better relationships now.....
Our OA friends act as sounding boards for us as we try to sort out the healthy from the unhealthy relationships in our lives. We may find that for our continued growth we need to move away from old emotional entanglements, which are hampering our progress with the program. Abstaining from a harmful relationship can be as difficult at first as abstaining from compulsive overeating! The same physical restraint is necessary to keep ourselves from following old habit patterns.By taking Step Three, we make all of our relationships with other people subject to the will of our Higher Power. When God comes first, other loves fall into their proper places.....Show me how to love.
#######ROSIE....i go to meets/ share on boards...talk with sponser....and my fellowship with fellow *12Steppers* and i stay level....i read/ listen to their shares, and i keep myself balanced....as i manage / overcome codependency i am becomming less and less afraid to "let the good ones in" because i trust in my HP and me to use *discernment*.......abstaining from the negative patterns i grew to protect me from complete destruction......i have a grand niece who has a BAAAD anger problem....she has the temper of a bull moose in rutting season--she "went off" at me for NO reason, and i shut her down!!! told her "IF you want a relationship with me, you are going to have to throw OUT that abusive anger of yours, because A--i dont' do it to people....B--i don't associate with it..there is NO room for that destructive behaviour in my life".......she has YET to call me/ make amends...instead , i get this email ( so personal right??) from her *justifying* her anger outburst at me.....i just wrote her back and said that my positition stands....i will NOT allow abuse in my life and i am prepared/ have accepted for the fact that i will let her GO, rather than let her *slam my serenity* .....i worked TOO danged hard to get where i am at...went through TOO much abuse B4, and i am NOT letting ANYone derail my recovery!!!!! ...yes, i use steps 1,2,3...i am powerless over other people's negative stuff, but i CAN either *wallow in it* and be miserable?? OR i can remove myself from it....set boundaries....take care of me..... oh i can FORGIVE her , IF she wants to make amends...but i forgive WITH boundaries........and yep, i know i may have to "let her go" "keep my distance"..but i also trust in my HP, that when a door closes (becuz i did the right thing by me) another, better door will open.....really, i look at it this way..there are TWO options here!!!!! #1... i can KEEP the abuser (out of my former fears of abandonment), LOSE my recovery, possibly still end up alone and MINUS my recovery................OR, #2 , i can let GO the abuser, KEEP my recovery, end up alone, however i am alone and WITH my recovery.........so which scenario is the better?????? now?? #2 wins by a "knockout".......thank you DONE
So, what happens when you can never get away from them)? Phone calls continue, so turn off the phone, don't answer, delete voice messages without listening, then next thing you know you're served papers to be in court (just to keep it all going), create financial hardship. Then get in court and have him just tell the judge that he hasn't talked to me in a long time and the judge listens, while I sit with proof (paperwork and tape recorded message that the judge won't even take and has no interest in seeing my proof that he is lying. Instead, the judge says my proof isn't good enough whether it be doctors written letters regarding our daughter, school staff officials who have seen all that is occuring, plus his character is tainted due to his excessive drinking and has been in jail and is facing another sentence.
What happens when you try to disconnect the phone, yet have your children he continues to contact to keep it all going? What happens then, when he takes you to court, just to have the judge say, Your honor, she won't let me see my son, as he hasn't visited me in 6-months, in which 3 of those months he was in JAIL, yet blames me. Still, the judge acknowledges him, NEVER me-- Being forced to give up my home due to this unecessary crap. So how to you get away? When it affects your entire world, all that you work for and the harder you try to succeed above the negative people in your life, the past keeps you held to it?
Gosh, I'm so tired.... losing all that I worked to provide for my children, a home, good education, participation in sports (not much though), and staying in an area long enough for them to develop stable friendships, people that can trust. All this soon to be gone from their life because my ex continues to try and make it difficult. I guess it wouldn't be so bad because normally I can handle it all cause I've had well paying jobs, but now the one I'm in is abusive and they are pushing me out, intimidating me and triggering all this CRAP of emotion that I felt with my ex-- the verbal, emotional abuse in an attempt to make me quit.
So how do you get away from your past when it never leaves you? It's like an old wound with a scab... it begins to heal, then someone rips off the scab and it's a fresh wound again. Well, 9 years out of my divorce this still occurs, thousands of dollars of counseling.... friends that I thank God for, but can't keep relying on them because they have lives and issues of their own to deal with-- nothing changes. I'm tired , and there's times I just want to give up, but give up to what? God? I do that each and everyday and the more I do, the more it seems this all comes at me. One thing is for certain, this life I am living is hell on earth. What we are all living.
cdb, there must be something in the air or perhaps just many, many, years that is wearing me down, as it does you and others. The truth is, I don't want to go to a face to face meeting because my faith is most important in my life and not being able to discuss that turns me off from the meetings. The Pastor of the church I had attended is gone, moved to another location-- have no friends in the area so it's tough. My parents are close by, but I am told by my Mom that my reaction to all this is horrible-- Oh yeah, I lose it-- swearing, angry and whatever else you want to call it cause as most of you know you start to feel crazy about it all. She doesn't understand the emotions cause she chose to just be cold, never cry (she told me that not too long ago) That she made up her mind a long time ago when she cried that she would never do it again. So of course-- how can she understand.
This triggers so much more in me emotional. I talk about just moving to another state to get away from my ex and all the people who are continually keeping me in my past cause of continued contact with their abuse. My mom says, "Well, you can't run away from yourself". It REALLY pisses me off when she says that because she seems to think that I am weak for wanting to move away from my ex and all this crap with people I've faced all my life. I've worked hard to get where I am, fighting to complete my education so that my kids see not to give up, forcing myself to stay positive to continue on and my Mom says I cannot run away from myself. I like myself, I love what I do for work, I love my hair, my body (even with the extra weight), my intelligence, my compassion for people and my faith in God Yet, she tells me I can't run away from myself. I said to her is it so wrong to want to be away from people who are abusive, as if I'm weak.... I completely lost it, she said, "Your response to it is like you're losing your mind" and of course, I replied I believe I am, but 21 years of this is way too much.
She said to me she does understand because she has lived with these types of people, talking about my father particularly-- But, she doesn't understand because the difference is that she stayed and continues to fight with him and him with her. I chose to leave the abusive relationship, yet it continues. There is a HUGE difference. I'm trying so damn hard and tired of nothing changing-- seeing my children suffer through it all too, only to have my ex blaming me for it, despite the so many people who have helped us all throughout the 9 years in this recovery. Yet, all he has to do is tell a judge what he "feels" and the judge listens.
I'm close to losing it all-- For what? I just don't understand.
Thanks for listening....