I have learned so much in this program and what tools i have used got thrown out the door today. I got engaged in an argument with my spouse and I took it very personally. I guess he knows when to get me when I am at my lowest. I don't know why I pray to God for a happy/better marriage and then this happens. The fact is my husband has alot of anger and disgust at my being overweight to the point he acts as if I am a leper or am this huge ugly monster from another planet. Does he ask or care how it makes me feel? NO, not at all. He only thinks of himself and how it makes him look to be married to this ugly beast! He said all I do is sleep, eat and chat on the computer. All I need to do is exercise and it will go away. Forget the fact that I have a chronic pain illness and am on many meds that have caused weight gain. Forget that I have chronic fatigue and the doctors at mayo clinic and in chicago are not sure how to treat that part being depression/pain seem to go in a circle with each other. He has even been to the Mayo Clinic 3 day education classes but seems to forget it all. I mentioned that some people with this are in wheelchairs and at least I am not in a wheelchair. He later came up to my bedroom after I told him I totally gave up and just wanted to end it all, to tell me that this guy in the wheel chair was not FAT. I said, well maybe now a days he is Fat. We were at Mayo Clinic a long time ago.I don't even like the word FAT but that is his language. My deepest pain right now is my mom's alzheimers and watching her progress. I am not handling it well emotionally at all! Instead of coming home after being with my parents having him say,,,how are you feeling about your mom? he goes into how FAT you are. If you would only exercise and eat less you would lose some weight but obviously you don't care and don't want to even try to do anything. I said, I have been trying, you dont' see what I am doing. He just laughs and says you have been gaining weight for the past 6 months,,that is not trying. WEll,,,that was about when I went upstairs and gave up. I Pray for God to save my marriage. I Pray to God for me to have a happy marriage. I try to believe in prayers being answered. But this breaking me down over and over and over is too much for me to bear today! I broke today and now I still feel broken!I took my pain meds at max levels and feel drunk and loopy now. I feel like taking more but know that is dangerous so I won't. I will post here instead and get these feelings out. Through my step work I gave my eating problem to my HP. WEll it didn't work. I must have taken it back due to my nervousness over mom's alzheimers and dad's congestive heart failure. Oh, and my dad is of the same thinking as my husband. I am lucky my husband hasn't left me yet because most would leave a wife with all my health problems and overweight. What great male models in my life! My son loves me for who I am. HE says he does. So, I have that going for me. It scared me today when I felt like just ending it all. That does go along with my depression and my depression is worse due to this debilitating disease my mom has now! I can't stand to see her suffer! I can't stand to see her fear of her mind dying! I want my mom alive and healthy!!!!! I need my mom!!! I need my dad!!! HE can hardly breathe! I don't think I deserve to be treated like a leper and not even have my hand held,,,given a hug or even touched. I am a person dammit! I am me! I have good qualities! I do the best I can with the energy I have and the pain level of that day! My husband listens and gives money to Billy Graham. He use to be very spiritual. But when it comes to me and my weight problem, he is the meanest most abusive man there is! I told him today it is like he is sticking a knife in my back! But all he sees or hears is his actions are justifiable! Detatch,,,,,,take care of me,,,,,focus on me and know that is his issue,,,,NOt in this situation. The damage has been done! I am torn,,,,,I am damaged! I see no reason to wake up in the morning unless my kids are here or I am at my parents house. MY health is at a very high risk now! I don't know what is wrong with me. I am an addict with food. I am hopeless! I am a loser! I have no reason to wake up anymore. Just to chat maybe and of course because I am hungry for goodness sakes! God Help me,,,,,,God Help my marriage,,,,They say you can perform miracles. What do I do God,,,,,,What do I do???? little ole cdb a person with no job and little meaning in life.
-- Edited by cdb at 05:09, 2005-10-25
megan said
Oct 25, 2005
Hi CDB
(((((((((CDB)))))))))
You are a wonderful mother, daughter, wife and friend.
You have listened and shared and helped many people.
I lived with my husband of 14 years who was very emotionially and verbally abusive.
Even months after I left, we had a talk, and discussed his awful words, his justification, well they are all true! It seems my husband knows just what buttons to push to upset me.
I too struggle with my weight. I had done well over the last few months. Then I had my last business trip with long hours and room service 3x a day, so I gained some back. I can start over losing any time and I am. Your weight is your business and not your husbands. He has no right to take your inventory.
I am going to say something and ignore it if you need to.
When you were at your parents for a month and then came back here your frame of mine and outlook were much more positive. I am sorry to hear about your lack of support at home.
I am hear to listen
Take what you like and leave the rest
Megan
lin0606 said
Oct 25, 2005
I do believe that prayers are answered, but seldom in the way that we expect.
What is God showing you? Your anger towards the end of your post shows that maybe you are not willling to be treated this way anymore. You want to be treated with the love and respect you deserve. Looks to me like God is giving you a sign.
I don't know if any of you noticed, in the news, but Rosa Parks died today. She was someone who took her anger at being treated badly, and used it to give her strength, to make a change.
Diva said
Oct 25, 2005
Oh my dear, if there were only something I could say to make it all all right. My own Mom suffered from Alzheimer's, and I understand the heartbreak in losing a mom you need very badly. I am so sorry that you are facing these problems without the support of your husband. I will keep you close in my prayers. My positive thoughts will be in your direction.
With sincere caring and love, Diva
Jeannie said
Oct 25, 2005
(((Cdb)))
I'm sorry you are feeling so tired and beaten.
As far as a reason to get up each day. Here's one for you. YOU!
You are a wonderful, warm compassionate woman, who has given so much to all of us here. Weight is a physical sign, it has nothing to do with the person you are inside. Please don't take his abuse to heart, please don't let it make you feel less about yourself. You are special, you are important, and the beauty you have inside overshadows any extra weight you may carry.
On a different note, and please understand that your weight is your business, but as someone who has struggled with her weight especialy in times of depression I would like to offer a little advice from my own experience. When I get down, I reach for a snack or a drink of something (not alcohol). I have found that when I eat healthier, I feel better. I am able to deal with life in a more positive way. I have learned to snack on low cal healthy things, fruit, snack bars, pickles. I also started drinking more water. I still love icecream and chocolate cake, but I save it for good times. I cut the calories in places I will not notice it, and save them for a time I appreciate them, not just grab them. My sugar is more stable and I have more energy. It is not about appearance, and it is not for anyone else. You deserve to feel better.
Know you are cared about and your worth is far more than you can begin to imagine.
Love Jeannie
sanddie said
Oct 25, 2005
cdb, first of all I want to give you hugggggsss. Let me tell you a little story. I struggled throughout most of my life with being overweight-- at one time even 100 lbs overweight and in turn, lost practically all of it just so that I could feel accepted. Why? Because society does that to everyone-- commercials and everything you see shows that thin is in. However, if you think of the percentage of people that aren't thin, but rather not at their ideal weight, I'm certain it would out number the people who are-- Why? Because again, society encourages this, the fast food restaurants that take advantage of people who are too busy too cook and yes, nobody takes into consideration the medications that contribute to that, nor the stress hormones. Do you know that our bodies produce a stress hormone that actually contributes to weight gain? I haven't looked completely into this, but I just heard something on this not too long ago. I found it interesting because I always know when my life is not balanced because I gain weight, even if my eating habits do not change. In turn, this is what I learned in having gained about 20-25 lbs since the breakup with my ex boyfriend.
I took ALL of my clothes that I kept holding onto because of my up and down weight of this 20-25 lbs and packed them up. The closer I became to God, the more comfortable I became with myself-- no matter what society says we should look like or how we should be OR whatever another person says we should look like or be. If someone else has a problem with us, it is because the have a problem with themselves. Remember this.... People ONLY see in others what it is that is part of them. So, your husband says you can just lose the weight-- do you say to him, well you can just stop drinking? (I do believe your husband is an A) If not, I apologize. I know you struggle with your daughter, but don't recall about your husband. I'm finding the memory goes as I'm getting older.
So, if this is the case-- each time your husband says something about that, just simply return your statement to him, "Well, you should just be able to stop drinking", then walk away and detach. Screw it! Pardon me, but I've lived ithat life where I always had to worry about how or what I looked like to be accepted even by my ex husband. Always thinking he'd leave me if I didn't look my best and crap like that. I'll let you in on a little secret-- God doesn't care what we look like. :) Just remember that and whenever someone is telling you ANYTHING about how you look or degrading your character, remember that it's THEM that will have to deal with God, not you and then turn your focus to God, who loves you more than anyone possibly could. That's really ALL that matters... Sure, I have my moments where I would like to be thinner, as I was at one point, but I have come to realize that my relationship with God is MUCH more important than with anyone else and if God accepts me, to hell with them, which is exactly where they will be going if they continue to be critical and unaccepting of others, loving them for who they are, rather than what they see or what they want them to be. Give it ALL to God and know that He is the ONLY one that you need to keep in check with in accepting yourself.
Hang in there..... I know how tough that can be. I have to say that when I left my abusive relationships that was the one thing that I feel so much more relaxed with is myself, my appearance, even though a bit heavier. God made me this way and that's all that matters. :)
HUGGGGGSSSSS
-- Edited by sanddie at 10:17, 2005-10-25
leo said
Oct 25, 2005
Hi Cdb,
Just want to give you a big hug from Australia. You know what is so great about this website? We can see the true human beings from inside. I don't need to know what your size is to accept you as the beautiful person you are. The only thing I can suggest to you is switch off when your husband is being emotionally abusive. Walk away from him without answering and go and do something kind for yourself. One part of our self esteem is how we view our body image. If you don't feel comfortable with your weight take little steps to lose it. But again like everything else you have to want to do it for you not because your husband is calling you fat. You are eating at the moment because that is giving you emotional comfort. Try and replace it with something else that makes you feel good. You deserve self respect. Try and get some ME time for yourself you are under a lot of stress at the moment with your Mum. Luv Leo xx
-- Edited by leo at 10:05, 2005-10-25
sanddie said
Oct 25, 2005
cdb:
One other thing I wanted to share... I know you love your husband and your daughter. Additionally, you pray with all that is in your heart that God helps your marriage because you know miracles can be performed. Just wanted to share another little story with you based on my experience in my last relationship.
During our on/off typical alcoholic relationship, I found myself praying so much that God mend our relationship, heal it and keep us together forever. After praying and praying so much with nothing changing, it finally occured to me.....
Just think about this-- and I'm NOT saying it is the case with you, but this is what I found.
Here I was in this alcoholic relationship, praying for a healthy, normal, compassionate, loving relationship.... yet nothing was changing, it continued to stay the same, if anything got more disrespectful and less compassion for eachother. After about 2 years of back and forth prayer with so many tears at times where I felt I would just died-- something clicked.... I realized why nothing was changing.....
I was in a relationship that I shouldn't have been in-- how do I know? Because my inner peace was gone and my connection with God was weakening. We were unequally yoked and it wasn't healthy for me or him for that matter and even the children involved. In turn, as I thought about this more it occured to me that here I was praying for something that perhaps wasn't part of God's plan and I was just so stubborn to make it His plan. Essentially, I was praying as an alcoholic or a drug addict would pray for more alcohol or drugs--- I was praying for a relationship, rather than for myself to have God help ME strengthen MY relationship with Him. Because once we have that, the answers come to us. They might not be clear initially, but they come. So ya know that song by Garth Brooks, Unanswered Prayers? Sometimes, our prayers aren't answered because God has a MUCH LARGER and WONDERFUL plan for us than we can imagine. Whether it be here or in eternity-- just focus on your relationship with Him, gain that strength so that everything else around you just falls into place.
Ultimately, He will bring people into your life who will help you through-- For each negative person, He offers a positive person to offset the BS. I see it everyday. I know, I know-- it's so much easier to focus on the negative because THAT is what we are used to, but remember this-- that is EXACTLY what Satan wants... Why? To keep us from building our relationship witih God so that His plan isn't successful.
:)
-- Edited by sanddie at 10:13, 2005-10-25
jj said
Oct 25, 2005
(((((((((Cdb))))))))))
Huge hugs my friend!!! You are NOT a looser, you are not worthless!!!! Just from the things you have said and the people you have helpped on this board and the friend that you have here I want you to know that you are very much loved here!!! You are a fantastic mom, daughter and wife. Your husband is one of thoes men that takes the gifts in his life for granted!!!
There have been so many times when I have actually gone into the chat room late at night and you just happened to be there and have helpped me when I was so down and out that I didn't want to go on!!!
I am so sory that you went through what you did with your husband!!!
You are so very much loved!!!!
Love your friend JJ
dogscribe said
Oct 25, 2005
cdb - I am sending hugs to you. I don't post often but I do come here and read and your posts have enlightened me to many things. It is about who you are inside. Don't let him degrade you - no human being has that right. You are a wonderful person and that is what is important.
gardengal said
Oct 25, 2005
Try not to take what he says personally,,,I am sure he loves you. This one phrase I learned in Alanon,,came to me as I read your post. "hurting people, hurt people" I am wondering if his pain of whathaveyou, is making him lash out? We all know you , and you know you,,,so please dont take such nonsense to heart.,,,,Take care gardengal
cdb said
Oct 25, 2005
Thank you so much for your replies. I woke up earlier, not much sleep and came to the meeting. I called some eating disorder places and the one feasable place in my community only has inpatient for anoerix and bulemics. Gees if I had those I wouldn't be so darned big. I went to a place before in Kansas but do want to stay around home for my family/ parents. I finally called a mental health facility for the outpatient depression program from 9am to 3pm. They are calling back about an opening on Thursday to do an intake. I need to deal with this upset I am feeling over my mom and dad's failing health and awful non-support from my spouse too. I guess that facility would be a start. I just feel so lost right now. I just want to be hugged and told that I am loved by my spouse like I so deserve. For some reason (his issues) he just can't do it now. Here I go crying again. My husband is not an alcoholic but his dad was one. His dad would cut down and make fun of overweight people and that is one legacy he passed on to his son! Oh, how my spouse has gotten so much like his dad! I wanted to go to this pain clinic but I guess I can do that another time once I get my mental health in check. Afterall, I did really want to do myself in last night. I don't have any reason to get out of bed anymore. I really don't. So this route may be what is needed now. Thanks again for the replies. They help me to see things differently along with knowing I am not alone. I did tell my husband one day in a nice way, just close your eyes and don't look at me if it bothers you so much and get to know the person I am inside. He just laughed about that like that was the stupidist thing I ever said. I didn't think it was such a bad idea. WEll back to the 3 Cs. He has his own issues. I can only change me. Thanks again,,,cdb :)
leo said
Oct 25, 2005
Hi again CDB I am so glad that you have been able to get some sort of appointment at the Mental Health facility. Try and focus on one issue at a time. Look after yourself emotionally and then see what you can do about your weight. Email me if you are feeling down. Luv Leo x
Jeannie said
Oct 25, 2005
Hi Cdb,
I'm glad to see that you are looking into things to do for you. You do deserve to be hugged and you are loved.(((((Hugs))). I know these don't replace those of your spouse, but keep remembering that those are his issues, not yours.
My Brother-in-law, was a very large man. At his biggest he was almost 500 lbs. My sister married him this large and has adored him every day. I have always thought of him as a big teddy bear, with a heart even larger than he is. In fact everyone my whole family and our friends think as muck. He is kind, loving and just wonderful, he treats my sister and their children like gold. I have always told my sister that she was the luckiest woman in the world and she agrees. Years ago someone very rude asked my Mother what her pretty daughter was doing with someone like him. My Mom summed it up easily, she said every woman should be as lucky. He has since lost weight, he had to, his knees where giving out on him and he was only 45 and having heart problems. He did it so he could continue living. 200 lbs lighter, he is still the same man. If he gained the weight back, my Sis might get on his back becasue of his heart, but the person inside him would still be the same. I know a lot of skinny creeps. It is the size of a persons heart that counts, not their body. I don't know what you look like, or what size you are, and I don't really care. I do know from your posts, that your heart is huge, and that is what really counts.
love Jeannie
sooner said
Oct 25, 2005
(((((cdb)))))
You have expressed yourself well and I can really feel for where you are at right now. It sounds like a horrible place to be in. Thankyou for sharing where you are cd. Hugs and warmth to you.
If this trend continues I may have to fly out there myself and fix you personally!
Please keep sharing cd.
sooner
debilyn said
Oct 25, 2005
OH sweetheart, shaking head here. I want to be there. Remember he is focusing
on you becuz he cannot stand to look at his own inventory.
How dare anyone judge you. I have been where you are cdb. It took me a year at
least to love me just how I am.
I am fortunate becuz my husband, bless his heart, has always loved me, and been
attracted to me fat, skinny, pg what ever.
I am now pretty much only big in my tummy from the dang ibs bloating but am not a
small gal. Short but 22 on top and 16-18 on bottom. onea those flat butts...sigh I am a
muscular farm lady with rosie cheeks!! LOL
Did you see the movie, "Babe" with the pig. I love the farmers wife. I am not like that
at all but I think she is so cute!!
Once I heard someone say, "whatsa matter? Am I taking up too much of your space? "
lol
There is nothing more beautiful in the world than having loved ones who love you just how you are and would not change a thing. Total acceptance, total unconditional love. And
ya know how people get this way? FROM LOVING THEMSELVES.From being
thankful for the creator giving them what they have.
Ok so honey YOU gotta love YOU. To H with him. I mean it.
I have a huge post to write but do not have time. But to put it short my A and I are
taking care of his mom who has ended up in a nursing home. The sister is a meth
addict who is putting us thru h.
she yelled at me and called me a fat cow or b, can't remember. I said, "hey this fat cow
has a new house with five acres, cats dogs a horse and I am happy, what do
you have?"
Then she flipped me off. I just sorta was like oh ya that hurts so much...geez. I had told
her she had a filthy mouth....f word alll the time. I am such a earthy person. she
could not get to me. pissed her off.
Your inner strength, your love for you is what changes you. I have seen gorgeous
young girls at OSU when I was in school in my fourties who hated themselves! eating
disorders are rampant on campus.
Loving you has nothing to do with size or if you have hands or if you are blind or
if you have been horribly burned!!
I know i am not the perfect size whatever. I don't care. I work on being healthy.
But I thank my hp all the time for giving me, me. Gads people are changing their noses, cutting off their tummies, doing bariatric surgeries to lose weight. I know some health
wise may need to.
He has no self love Cdb. if he did he would not want to hurt you like this.
We don't love someone for how they look, we love their heart, then we love their
crooked teeth or funny smile. My A is so skinny, but all i see is the man I love.
we cannot change others remember? We can only change us.
I worked on my self talk, said I am ok just how I am. if a bad thought came, I said stop and put that in again.
I began wearing pretty dresses again and perfume and bath powder and lotions.
Began loving being a woman. Got myself neat hippie type or natural
jewelry. Really worked on my femininty. It made me strong. I started to
know and love me. I know me. I love flowers, gardens and kids. the sky and
hearing my piggies snore.....
hey I have pet pigs girl. I walked one once and these kids went by and said, "Look
two pigs.....I was devistated. NOw I would just ignore them.
I used to think I was too fat for sex, too fat to smile, too fat to live.
Was awful.
I dive into life. I love my home, my silly stinky dogs, my horse and farm pig who
keep being partners in crime breaking into the feeding area....lol
I love my beautiful white turkey, FeeFee. My A husband has learned to talk to her by whistling.
It is so cute, she is now in love with him.
My point is i do for ME. I do what makes me happy. It does not matter to me what
anyone thinks of me. The only ones I want to please are my creator and his son.
I tell ya, a smile, a listener, a person who cares, is more beautiful than some
self absorbed Barbie doll.
I am amazed how nice people are to me. I smile a lot cdb. I look at people in the eye.
They talk to me all the time. I mean strangers. I know I love people who are
smiling and laughing and warm. i don't even think about how big they are
or are they gay or are they A.
It is harder right now to deal with this evil crap you are getting. I know believe me
Dealing with the Altzheimers is so hard. Watching Rick's mom go further and
further into wonderland is pretty awful. MOre for my husband.
I just joke with her and enjoy her as she is. She is delightful to me. This silly little thing
climbed out her window and tried to climb the fence to get out of the nursing home!
She wanders all over looking for her grandson.
My dad is critical too. that is his problem not mine. He never says it outloud, but he has never told me he is proud of me, never. My mom always did.
I went back to college in my fourties, have my own home, stayed in my marriage
he does not see anything but how i made bad decisions.
Anyway lady, pray to hp. Tell yourself you are a beautiful caring woman.
if you want to write out how you feel to him. give it to him or not. But you tell him
you love you just how you are. You tell him YOu can take your own inventory
thank you. don't let the disease getcha down, or him. If he feels that way, he does,
so what?
If my husband was like that, he would not be here, and I could not love him. i
would not care what he thought. i only care what people who really love me think.
and then I don't change anything for them either. but they think only positive of me
as I do them. Those are the ones that matter.
I always put on here,"does not matter what anyone thinks of you, but me!!"" hahaha
glad you wrote, keep coming back. wish I could come look him in the eye and give him
H. in a way that was ok i mean>>>>>>
I know we wish, we wish, wish. But things are the way they are. We can
only change us. And it feels good to do so.
So honey whatcha going to do first?? STOP making excuses for your weight, your face
There is NO convincing him of anything.
I would say if you don't love me how I am, then we have nothing. And i would make a boundary that taking your inventory is totally off limits.
love you sweetie,
debilyn
Christy said
Oct 25, 2005
CDB,
It occurred to me while reading your post that this is exactly what many here deal with on a daily basis with their spouses. The put downs, the "nobody would ever want you's" and any other hurtful words they can use to manipulate and put down. There is also yearning for understanding, hugs and the dreams we had when we married.
There are people here with illnesses, living their lives in wheelchairs and even with termial diseases, still working the program.
We all must learn to live with the adversities in our lives. As you know, my Mom had a massive stroke 15 years ago. I have lost her, she is not the same Mom. Two months before her stroke, I buried my child.... but, life has to go on.
There has been a flurry of comments that stated that you have helped them in time of need, I assume with your knowledge of program and ESH.
(This is where I pull out the proverbial blow torch that you so love) It's time to "Walk the Walk" girlfriend. Talk is cheap. You know how to work this program. You have to work it in your own crisis too, not just others.
What can the newbies and the people you have given hope to think when they see you in the room giving them ESH and then read: What do I do???? little ole cdb a person with no job and little meaning in life.
Turn your anger and hurt in to some energy you can use. Pick yourself up, dust yourself and show em how someone with Al-Anon program background does it!!!
Christy
gardengal said
Oct 25, 2005
I have read all the posts, clearly it has says, that you are not a loser. Sometimes getting a "kick in the butt" may it be from a loved one. a friend, or an alanon member can motivate us to "get off the pity pot" and get on with life.We need to take care of ourselves,,do whatever it takes to make "us" happy. We do this for no one else but for ourselves, period. I hope you joining whatever group it may be is for you and you alone. As you are the only one that can do something about your situation. Sounds to me you are on the right track,,,,good luck....gardengal
rosie light shines said
Oct 25, 2005
cdb, i am sorry you are going throug this.....keep sharing and taking care of YOU....YOU are the only one you can take care of........"what others think/ say is NONE of my business...their inventory, not mine" peace. rosie
pixel04 said
Oct 25, 2005
(((cdb))) Thanks for sharing what is going on. I've always admired your strength and your willingness to help others. We all have our troubles, and I know I always appreciate seeing people around me admit their troubles and ask for help. Reasoning things out with others is a great program tool :) I find once I "get it out there" and get some feedback, I can often see more clearly what I need to do.
It sounds like you're feeling ovewhelmed - you've got a lot going on! The saying about "how do you eat an elephant? - one bite at a time" comes to mind. Maybe, try to keep it simple. Can you break down what is in front of you into more manageable pieces? I agree with the others that taking care of yourself is really important. Is there one thing you can do for yourself today? Pick something, and do it. Tomorrow, pick something else. Remember to reward yourself for the good you do.
Your husband isn't your HP. I know sometimes in my marriage I have prayed for things to be better - ie, for my husband to change his ways. But when I do that I hand my power over to my husband to dictate my happiness, and that never works. Ask your HP for guidance, cdb. Ask him to show you the way. He may show you a way you had never thought of before.
Kristen
sanddie said
Oct 25, 2005
cdb, you could always ask your husband next time he says something-- what if he were blind? How would he learn to feel for someone if he didn't have his eyesight? Take Care! :) Ah, those people who aren't alcoholics, but yet have so many traits of an alcoholic-- Myself at times included. It's all about what we've been taught. Hang in there.... HUGGGSSSS
canadianguy said
Oct 25, 2005
Wow CDB..... first of all, look at all the responses here - look at how many people here who love and care about you..... who KNOW you are worthwhile, and care very much about you...
I obviously can't speak for your hubby or your dad, but "people", whether they have addictions in their lives or not, are not perfect and may have difficulty in dealing with a wide variety of problems... Your hubby could simply be mean-spirited, or he could in fact, love you and is worried about you, and simply doesn't have the skillset to deal with this in a more healthy manner...
Regardless, your post speaks volumes, and it is mostly about your self-esteem, and what you feel about yourself... Your physical appearance is one small portion of the total YOU, and if "you like you", then others will follow.... I would encourage you to write out lists of things you DO like about yourself first.... Think of all the wonderful compassion you have for people - the things that make your heart feel good inside.... think of all your good qualities, and write them down....
After the first part, then perhaps you can write out a short list of things that you would like to improve in your life (within your control), and please be sure that these are YOUR needs and desires, as opposed to society's or your husband's, etc.... Then you can map out a workable plan for how you are going to achieve these goals.... one step/day at a time..... Please remember to set small, achievable goals....
These are important issues to address CDB, and really within YOUR control to do something about.... Only YOU can determine the right answers, for you, on the questions around weight or physical appearance....
I would also encourage you to consider reading daily affirmations (can find them online, or in most CODA literature, etc), and pick one a day that is applicable to you.... You ARE very worthwhile, in God's eyes, AND in the eyes of many friends and family....
Take care
Tom
bcanuck said
Oct 25, 2005
(((CDB)))
I was wondering where you were. Glad you posted. As you can see you are not alone, and you are loved and care for. I know a lot about what you're going through as I too am watching my mom quickly slip away, albeit she's 2000 miles away and I can't be with her. Don't know if that makes it better (not having to watch) or worse (not being able to be there).
I'm glad you have reached out and found some help. If you hubby can't be there for you, so be it, put him aside for now. You don't have to throw him out, but you can turn yourself into the wind, to people who can be there for you. I have been suicidal in the past, and have had loved ones commit suicide, so I've seen it from both sides. In the end I pictured the reactions of my family if I were to commit suicide, and seeing their pain is enough to make me realize that suicide is definitely not the answer. I'm glad you see that too. Keep that thought.
As for your weight, that is low priority. It doesn't make sense to push your body when it's already in pain. When and only when you are physically and emotionaly capable should that be dealt with.
Take care of YOU my friend.
Love, Bonnie
Emmie11 said
Oct 25, 2005
Cdb,
Get ahold of yourself here, girlfriend. It is not up to your husband, or you for that matter, to decide that you are a person whose life has "very little meaning." The meaning of your life is up to your Higher Power to decide, and your job is to maximize whatever mental and physical health and strength you have to stick around as long as possible in an effort to find out what that meaning is. God's will, not thine, be done.
Do you think it is God's will for you to live in darkness, sadness, letting someone else make you believe you are unworthy of goodness? I do not believe that for one second. He wants you to enjoy the sunlight, to smile, to feel free and deserving of good things and beauty, even if you are physically limited, and whether your alcoholics and others in your life are in their disease or not.
My sponsor tells me that sometimes the only thing someone has to give us is a lesson in how not to be. Take that lesson from your husband, be grateful that is not the only kind of lesson you are equipped to teach, and live for yourself with the effervescent and beautiful spirit inside you that has rescued and welcomed me more times than I can count.
You are so valuable. You are such a precious child of God. I do not know what to say about the things your husband says to you except to make the observation that there is more than one type of blindness, and he is afflicted with the very worst kind. What a sad way to have to live. Thank goodness you do not have to live that way!
I love you and I want you to tap into your HP's beauty, acceptance, strength, and care, because that is what you deserve. Keep your trust and faith where it belongs, and keep coming back.
Love, Emmie
cdb said
Oct 25, 2005
Wow! I am overwhelmed by all the replies of unconditional support and love. Thank you so much. My intent last night was just to vent and look at all the feedback I got. I chose to be in bed again most of the day. I am going to soak all this feedback and suggestions up now and try to connect up with HP as he needs to be the one guiding my life. One hour for a time for me today. I still plan to go into a 5 week mental health program to work through the issues I am dealing with inside myself. It is from 9am to 3 pm so that should give me a reason to get out of bed and maybe get into a healthier routine. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and will run that by him too since it is at a different hospital than where he is at. Thanks again for all your support. I feel so blessed. This just isn't something I can snap out of now for some reason. But I do intend to not stay on my pity pot much longer :) cdb
notsonew1111 said
Oct 25, 2005
((((((((((((((((((cdb)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i want you to stop your negative thinking for just a second and LOOK at all the replies you got. we all love you so much. when i first came here and i met you and read your posts i wanted to be like you. so happy, so together. look back at your old posts, think about whats changed. i am so sorry for what you are going through and i wish i could give you a real hug. i want you to know that even though i dont know you in person you are still someone who is very special to me. you are usually in chat when i need to talk and you have always been there listening to me and my problems and helping me through them and making me laugh. i look forward to talking to you when i come into chat. you really are a beautiful person. im glad you are seeking help, your life has a whole lot of meaning, even if you dont see it now you will. hope to talk to you soon luv ya and tc of yourself please.
KathyS said
Oct 25, 2005
I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. It's great to see all the wonderful caring replies you've gotten. Now there's a reason to get out of bed........people you've never even met in person truley care about you and how you're feeling. That alone says alot for the type of person you are. A GOOD one!
You really do have an awful lot on your plate right now and it is during these times when we have to take extra special care of ourselves. Dealing with your dads illness as well as your moms is hard enough. Then add in your own physical problems, pain, depression and everything else......that almost too much for a person to take. I'm very glad you are going to the mental health program. I hope it helps get you back on track.
As for your husband.........his behaviour toward you is abusive. Sometimes the mental, emotional and verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. Ever hear the saying........Hurt people, hurt people? In other words, if someones hurting inside, they tend to hurt others. This seems to apply to your husband. During this time he should be supporting you, comforting you, being there for you. Instead of putting you down and insulting you about your weight, which at this moment is really the least of your worries. I personally have never had a weight problem so I can't say I know what you're going through, but many of my friends have dealt with this and I've witnessed the struggle and pain they've gone through. This is a good time to take strength from your program. Remember the slogans.....First things First, Take it Easy, How important is it? and all the rest. Those little slogans really have helped me so much.
Sometimes when it seems everything in my life is going crazy and I don't know what to pray anymore........I simply pray for Gods will to be done. I know I can't go wrong praying that way. Maybe give it a try? My thoughts and prayers are with you, you're going to get through this and you will be ok!
whitie said
Oct 25, 2005
CDB,
All I can do is (((((((HUG))))))))you. You are not worthless. This I know because you've always been very caring to me and picked me up when I was down. It looks like you're taking some steps already to help yourself. Keep it up cuz you're worth it.
Love ya,
Whitie
cdb said
Oct 26, 2005
Thanks again for your loving and supportive replies. I wish I could just snap out of this,,,,,but I just can't :( If any of you could make my mom not have alzheimers or take way my dad's parkinsons and congestive heart failure, I could be happy again. This is just too much for me right now and I don't know why. I think of some things that are affecting me but not everything. And I have no one to talk to about it. NOt really. This is way too intense and can't be dealt with on a weekly therapy session. I feel like I am in a state of shock now. I feel deep anger inside that is trying to get out. I feel beaten down by my spousea and don't feel I have any one to hold me or touch me in person and tell me this will be okay. I guess I feel that my spouse thinks fat pepole don't deserve to be loved and cared for,,,,although he would probably disagree,,,but actions speak louder than words. I hope I can find a reason to get out of bed or to even get out of the house. All I wan to do is sleep / sleep/ chat to feel better and visit my parents and kids when I am up to it. That is not much of a life as far as I see it. Living with a person that does not touch me makes me feel like I am dying inside. I jsut can't snap out of this. This is way too big for me this time. Your replies gave me hope though and I felt the caring and support. NOt sue how long it will be for me to pick up the pieces anymore. Just don't now anymore. I miss dadrrb too :( I do indeed. cdb
KathyS said
Oct 26, 2005
cdb wrote: :( If any of you could make my mom not have alzheimers or take way my dad's parkinsons and congestive heart failure, I could be happy again.
*********this program teaches us that in order to have peace and for our lives to be manageable, we have to accept life on lifes terms. That's where the serenity prayer comes in......
God grant me the serenity to accept the fact that my mom has alzheimers and my dad has parkinsons and heart failure (the things I cannot change)
The courage to face both of these challenging issues with your strength, compassion, love and the peace that passes all understanding which only you can give (change the things I can....your reaction to your parents illnesses)
And the Wisdom to know the difference. (you cannot change what is wrong with your parents no matter how much you want to)
On a personal note, my both parents past away from illnesses when I was just 18 years old. I had a 1 year old daughter, was an only child and never had to fend for myself in this world. Until they died. I felt like someone thrown into the middle of the deepest ocean who didn't know how to swim. It was an extremely difficult time for me. I'm 37 now and still thinking back to that time is hard for me. I was so depressed and so desolate inside when they died that I honestly didn't care if I lived or not. The only thing that kept me going was my daughter during that time. Bad things happen to good people. Our situations and misfortunes don't dictate who or what we are inside.
April said
Oct 26, 2005
When you pray to God to save your marriage or make your marriage better, you are praying for your will to be done, not God's will. Maybe God is telling you what to do. I know it is always hard to hear the message when you are emotional, it is also hard to hear the message when we don't like the answer.
You can't change your husband. I'm so sorry you are in pain.
April
nycbt said
Oct 26, 2005
Thanks for sharing. It was a good share. I don't have my husband saying anything about my weight I however have me always focous on my weight.
marmare said
Oct 26, 2005
(((((((((((cdb))))))))))) Now stop being hard on you. You are to be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself. Sometimes we slip but we can start our day over at any point and time.
You are in my heart and prayers.
Hugs Mary
jonibaloni21 said
Oct 26, 2005
CDB ,many many many (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
wow I relate to how you are feeling inside!!!! But you know how you and the rest of us feel about loosing dadrrb? That's exactly how we'd feel loosing you too. Please, don't give up! I KNOW it's soooo hard to get up because I feel like that to a lot of the time! But you are such a kind and caring person and I know that all you want is the pain of the 'now' to go away, it's too hard to deal with, especially without support at home. But , take it one millisecond at a time if you have to and know that God will be carrying you along in His loving arms right now. He tells us that he'll carry us 'thru' not keep us 'from' going thru pain. It's easier to tell someone this than to see it while going thru it. But everyone here is on your side CDB. We all love you and see the truly wonderful loving person you are! Go to that program, I've been to one like that and it was most helpful to me! You'll make some wonderful friends in there too. And most likely help them out too knowing you like we do!!!! You know you couldn't NOT help them , that's just the person CDB is and WE Know it!!!!!!!!!
I wish for you that your spouse would become the man that his HP wants him to be and realize that his wife is a wonderful caring human being and how loving she is and what a wonderful woman she is , the gift God has given him for his lifetime! So many don't know what they have till it's gone...I pray that he sees you thru God's eyes!
Love ya girl,
Jonibaloni21 take care of our CDB please
Mars said
Oct 26, 2005
dear cdb,
please pay very little attention to your husband, it is his being mean thats the problem . there may be many reasons why he is like it . but you need to rise above it , i know its hard and you have so much to deal with but you are loved and respected . you sent me my first reply and it ment so very much to me and i always read your posts and wonder at the depth of understanding and compassion that you have . so a big old hug from england , i wish you well in all your endevours. when the time is right you can sort your weight out.but a beautifull soul is priceless Mars
I have learned so much in this program and what tools i have used got thrown out the door today. I got engaged in an argument with my spouse and I took it very personally. I guess he knows when to get me when I am at my lowest. I don't know why I pray to God for a happy/better marriage and then this happens. The fact is my husband has alot of anger and disgust at my being overweight to the point he acts as if I am a leper or am this huge ugly monster from another planet. Does he ask or care how it makes me feel? NO, not at all. He only thinks of himself and how it makes him look to be married to this ugly beast! He said all I do is sleep, eat and chat on the computer. All I need to do is exercise and it will go away. Forget the fact that I have a chronic pain illness and am on many meds that have caused weight gain. Forget that I have chronic fatigue and the doctors at mayo clinic and in chicago are not sure how to treat that part being depression/pain seem to go in a circle with each other. He has even been to the Mayo Clinic 3 day education classes but seems to forget it all. I mentioned that some people with this are in wheelchairs and at least I am not in a wheelchair. He later came up to my bedroom after I told him I totally gave up and just wanted to end it all, to tell me that this guy in the wheel chair was not FAT. I said, well maybe now a days he is Fat. We were at Mayo Clinic a long time ago.I don't even like the word FAT but that is his language. My deepest pain right now is my mom's alzheimers and watching her progress. I am not handling it well emotionally at all! Instead of coming home after being with my parents having him say,,,how are you feeling about your mom? he goes into how FAT you are. If you would only exercise and eat less you would lose some weight but obviously you don't care and don't want to even try to do anything. I said, I have been trying, you dont' see what I am doing. He just laughs and says you have been gaining weight for the past 6 months,,that is not trying. WEll,,,that was about when I went upstairs and gave up. I Pray for God to save my marriage. I Pray to God for me to have a happy marriage. I try to believe in prayers being answered. But this breaking me down over and over and over is too much for me to bear today! I broke today and now I still feel broken!I took my pain meds at max levels and feel drunk and loopy now. I feel like taking more but know that is dangerous so I won't. I will post here instead and get these feelings out. Through my step work I gave my eating problem to my HP. WEll it didn't work. I must have taken it back due to my nervousness over mom's alzheimers and dad's congestive heart failure. Oh, and my dad is of the same thinking as my husband. I am lucky my husband hasn't left me yet because most would leave a wife with all my health problems and overweight. What great male models in my life! My son loves me for who I am. HE says he does. So, I have that going for me. It scared me today when I felt like just ending it all. That does go along with my depression and my depression is worse due to this debilitating disease my mom has now! I can't stand to see her suffer! I can't stand to see her fear of her mind dying! I want my mom alive and healthy!!!!! I need my mom!!! I need my dad!!! HE can hardly breathe! I don't think I deserve to be treated like a leper and not even have my hand held,,,given a hug or even touched. I am a person dammit! I am me! I have good qualities! I do the best I can with the energy I have and the pain level of that day! My husband listens and gives money to Billy Graham. He use to be very spiritual. But when it comes to me and my weight problem, he is the meanest most abusive man there is! I told him today it is like he is sticking a knife in my back! But all he sees or hears is his actions are justifiable! Detatch,,,,,,take care of me,,,,,focus on me and know that is his issue,,,,NOt in this situation. The damage has been done! I am torn,,,,,I am damaged! I see no reason to wake up in the morning unless my kids are here or I am at my parents house. MY health is at a very high risk now! I don't know what is wrong with me. I am an addict with food. I am hopeless! I am a loser! I have no reason to wake up anymore. Just to chat maybe and of course because I am hungry for goodness sakes! God Help me,,,,,,God Help my marriage,,,,They say you can perform miracles. What do I do God,,,,,,What do I do???? little ole cdb a person with no job and little meaning in life.
-- Edited by cdb at 05:09, 2005-10-25
Hi CDB
(((((((((CDB)))))))))
You are a wonderful mother, daughter, wife and friend.
You have listened and shared and helped many people.
I lived with my husband of 14 years who was very emotionially and verbally abusive.
Even months after I left, we had a talk, and discussed his awful words, his justification, well they are all true! It seems my husband knows just what buttons to push to upset me.
I too struggle with my weight. I had done well over the last few months. Then I had my last business trip with long hours and room service 3x a day, so I gained some back. I can start over losing any time and I am. Your weight is your business and not your husbands. He has no right to take your inventory.
I am going to say something and ignore it if you need to.
When you were at your parents for a month and then came back here your frame of mine and outlook were much more positive. I am sorry to hear about your lack of support at home.
I am hear to listen
Take what you like and leave the rest
Megan
(((Cdb)))
I'm sorry you are feeling so tired and beaten.
As far as a reason to get up each day. Here's one for you. YOU!
You are a wonderful, warm compassionate woman, who has given so much to all of us here. Weight is a physical sign, it has nothing to do with the person you are inside. Please don't take his abuse to heart, please don't let it make you feel less about yourself. You are special, you are important, and the beauty you have inside overshadows any extra weight you may carry.
On a different note, and please understand that your weight is your business, but as someone who has struggled with her weight especialy in times of depression I would like to offer a little advice from my own experience. When I get down, I reach for a snack or a drink of something (not alcohol). I have found that when I eat healthier, I feel better. I am able to deal with life in a more positive way. I have learned to snack on low cal healthy things, fruit, snack bars, pickles. I also started drinking more water. I still love icecream and chocolate cake, but I save it for good times. I cut the calories in places I will not notice it, and save them for a time I appreciate them, not just grab them. My sugar is more stable and I have more energy. It is not about appearance, and it is not for anyone else. You deserve to feel better.
Know you are cared about and your worth is far more than you can begin to imagine.
Love Jeannie
cdb, first of all I want to give you hugggggsss. Let me tell you a little story. I struggled throughout most of my life with being overweight-- at one time even 100 lbs overweight and in turn, lost practically all of it just so that I could feel accepted. Why? Because society does that to everyone-- commercials and everything you see shows that thin is in. However, if you think of the percentage of people that aren't thin, but rather not at their ideal weight, I'm certain it would out number the people who are-- Why? Because again, society encourages this, the fast food restaurants that take advantage of people who are too busy too cook and yes, nobody takes into consideration the medications that contribute to that, nor the stress hormones. Do you know that our bodies produce a stress hormone that actually contributes to weight gain? I haven't looked completely into this, but I just heard something on this not too long ago. I found it interesting because I always know when my life is not balanced because I gain weight, even if my eating habits do not change. In turn, this is what I learned in having gained about 20-25 lbs since the breakup with my ex boyfriend.
I took ALL of my clothes that I kept holding onto because of my up and down weight of this 20-25 lbs and packed them up. The closer I became to God, the more comfortable I became with myself-- no matter what society says we should look like or how we should be OR whatever another person says we should look like or be. If someone else has a problem with us, it is because the have a problem with themselves. Remember this.... People ONLY see in others what it is that is part of them. So, your husband says you can just lose the weight-- do you say to him, well you can just stop drinking? (I do believe your husband is an A) If not, I apologize. I know you struggle with your daughter, but don't recall about your husband. I'm finding the memory goes as I'm getting older.
So, if this is the case-- each time your husband says something about that, just simply return your statement to him, "Well, you should just be able to stop drinking", then walk away and detach. Screw it! Pardon me, but I've lived ithat life where I always had to worry about how or what I looked like to be accepted even by my ex husband. Always thinking he'd leave me if I didn't look my best and crap like that. I'll let you in on a little secret-- God doesn't care what we look like. :) Just remember that and whenever someone is telling you ANYTHING about how you look or degrading your character, remember that it's THEM that will have to deal with God, not you and then turn your focus to God, who loves you more than anyone possibly could. That's really ALL that matters... Sure, I have my moments where I would like to be thinner, as I was at one point, but I have come to realize that my relationship with God is MUCH more important than with anyone else and if God accepts me, to hell with them, which is exactly where they will be going if they continue to be critical and unaccepting of others, loving them for who they are, rather than what they see or what they want them to be. Give it ALL to God and know that He is the ONLY one that you need to keep in check with in accepting yourself.
Hang in there..... I know how tough that can be. I have to say that when I left my abusive relationships that was the one thing that I feel so much more relaxed with is myself, my appearance, even though a bit heavier. God made me this way and that's all that matters. :)
HUGGGGGSSSSS
-- Edited by sanddie at 10:17, 2005-10-25
Hi Cdb,
Just want to give you a big hug from Australia. You know what is so great about this website? We can see the true human beings from inside. I don't need to know what your size is to accept you as the beautiful person you are. The only thing I can suggest to you is switch off when your husband is being emotionally abusive. Walk away from him without answering and go and do something kind for yourself. One part of our self esteem is how we view our body image. If you don't feel comfortable with your weight take little steps to lose it. But again like everything else you have to want to do it for you not because your husband is calling you fat. You are eating at the moment because that is giving you emotional comfort. Try and replace it with something else that makes you feel good. You deserve self respect. Try and get some ME time for yourself you are under a lot of stress at the moment with your Mum. Luv Leo xx
-- Edited by leo at 10:05, 2005-10-25
cdb:
One other thing I wanted to share... I know you love your husband and your daughter. Additionally, you pray with all that is in your heart that God helps your marriage because you know miracles can be performed. Just wanted to share another little story with you based on my experience in my last relationship.
During our on/off typical alcoholic relationship, I found myself praying so much that God mend our relationship, heal it and keep us together forever. After praying and praying so much with nothing changing, it finally occured to me.....
Just think about this-- and I'm NOT saying it is the case with you, but this is what I found.
Here I was in this alcoholic relationship, praying for a healthy, normal, compassionate, loving relationship.... yet nothing was changing, it continued to stay the same, if anything got more disrespectful and less compassion for eachother. After about 2 years of back and forth prayer with so many tears at times where I felt I would just died-- something clicked.... I realized why nothing was changing.....
I was in a relationship that I shouldn't have been in-- how do I know? Because my inner peace was gone and my connection with God was weakening. We were unequally yoked and it wasn't healthy for me or him for that matter and even the children involved. In turn, as I thought about this more it occured to me that here I was praying for something that perhaps wasn't part of God's plan and I was just so stubborn to make it His plan. Essentially, I was praying as an alcoholic or a drug addict would pray for more alcohol or drugs--- I was praying for a relationship, rather than for myself to have God help ME strengthen MY relationship with Him. Because once we have that, the answers come to us. They might not be clear initially, but they come. So ya know that song by Garth Brooks, Unanswered Prayers? Sometimes, our prayers aren't answered because God has a MUCH LARGER and WONDERFUL plan for us than we can imagine. Whether it be here or in eternity-- just focus on your relationship with Him, gain that strength so that everything else around you just falls into place.
Ultimately, He will bring people into your life who will help you through-- For each negative person, He offers a positive person to offset the BS. I see it everyday. I know, I know-- it's so much easier to focus on the negative because THAT is what we are used to, but remember this-- that is EXACTLY what Satan wants... Why? To keep us from building our relationship witih God so that His plan isn't successful.
:)
-- Edited by sanddie at 10:13, 2005-10-25
(((((((((Cdb))))))))))
Huge hugs my friend!!! You are NOT a looser, you are not worthless!!!! Just from the things you have said and the people you have helpped on this board and the friend that you have here I want you to know that you are very much loved here!!! You are a fantastic mom, daughter and wife. Your husband is one of thoes men that takes the gifts in his life for granted!!!
There have been so many times when I have actually gone into the chat room late at night and you just happened to be there and have helpped me when I was so down and out that I didn't want to go on!!!
I am so sory that you went through what you did with your husband!!!
You are so very much loved!!!!
Love your friend
JJ
Hi Cdb,
I'm glad to see that you are looking into things to do for you. You do deserve to be hugged and you are loved.(((((Hugs))). I know these don't replace those of your spouse, but keep remembering that those are his issues, not yours.
My Brother-in-law, was a very large man. At his biggest he was almost 500 lbs. My sister married him this large and has adored him every day. I have always thought of him as a big teddy bear, with a heart even larger than he is. In fact everyone my whole family and our friends think as muck. He is kind, loving and just wonderful, he treats my sister and their children like gold. I have always told my sister that she was the luckiest woman in the world and she agrees. Years ago someone very rude asked my Mother what her pretty daughter was doing with someone like him. My Mom summed it up easily, she said every woman should be as lucky. He has since lost weight, he had to, his knees where giving out on him and he was only 45 and having heart problems. He did it so he could continue living. 200 lbs lighter, he is still the same man. If he gained the weight back, my Sis might get on his back becasue of his heart, but the person inside him would still be the same. I know a lot of skinny creeps. It is the size of a persons heart that counts, not their body. I don't know what you look like, or what size you are, and I don't really care. I do know from your posts, that your heart is huge, and that is what really counts.
love Jeannie
I have read all the posts, clearly it has says, that you are not a loser. Sometimes getting a "kick in the butt" may it be from a loved one. a friend, or an alanon member can motivate us to "get off the pity pot" and get on with life.We need to take care of ourselves,,do whatever it takes to make "us" happy. We do this for no one else but for ourselves, period. I hope you joining whatever group it may be is for you and you alone. As you are the only one that can do something about your situation. Sounds to me you are on the right track,,,,good luck....gardengal
Wow CDB..... first of all, look at all the responses here - look at how many people here who love and care about you..... who KNOW you are worthwhile, and care very much about you...
I obviously can't speak for your hubby or your dad, but "people", whether they have addictions in their lives or not, are not perfect and may have difficulty in dealing with a wide variety of problems... Your hubby could simply be mean-spirited, or he could in fact, love you and is worried about you, and simply doesn't have the skillset to deal with this in a more healthy manner...
Regardless, your post speaks volumes, and it is mostly about your self-esteem, and what you feel about yourself... Your physical appearance is one small portion of the total YOU, and if "you like you", then others will follow.... I would encourage you to write out lists of things you DO like about yourself first.... Think of all the wonderful compassion you have for people - the things that make your heart feel good inside.... think of all your good qualities, and write them down....
After the first part, then perhaps you can write out a short list of things that you would like to improve in your life (within your control), and please be sure that these are YOUR needs and desires, as opposed to society's or your husband's, etc.... Then you can map out a workable plan for how you are going to achieve these goals.... one step/day at a time..... Please remember to set small, achievable goals....
These are important issues to address CDB, and really within YOUR control to do something about.... Only YOU can determine the right answers, for you, on the questions around weight or physical appearance....
I would also encourage you to consider reading daily affirmations (can find them online, or in most CODA literature, etc), and pick one a day that is applicable to you.... You ARE very worthwhile, in God's eyes, AND in the eyes of many friends and family....
Take care
Tom
(((CDB)))
I was wondering where you were. Glad you posted. As you can see you are not alone, and you are loved and care for. I know a lot about what you're going through as I too am watching my mom quickly slip away, albeit she's 2000 miles away and I can't be with her. Don't know if that makes it better (not having to watch) or worse (not being able to be there).
I'm glad you have reached out and found some help. If you hubby can't be there for you, so be it, put him aside for now. You don't have to throw him out, but you can turn yourself into the wind, to people who can be there for you. I have been suicidal in the past, and have had loved ones commit suicide, so I've seen it from both sides. In the end I pictured the reactions of my family if I were to commit suicide, and seeing their pain is enough to make me realize that suicide is definitely not the answer. I'm glad you see that too. Keep that thought.
As for your weight, that is low priority. It doesn't make sense to push your body when it's already in pain. When and only when you are physically and emotionaly capable should that be dealt with.
Take care of YOU my friend.
Love, Bonnie
Cdb,
Get ahold of yourself here, girlfriend. It is not up to your husband, or you for that matter, to decide that you are a person whose life has "very little meaning." The meaning of your life is up to your Higher Power to decide, and your job is to maximize whatever mental and physical health and strength you have to stick around as long as possible in an effort to find out what that meaning is. God's will, not thine, be done.
Do you think it is God's will for you to live in darkness, sadness, letting someone else make you believe you are unworthy of goodness? I do not believe that for one second. He wants you to enjoy the sunlight, to smile, to feel free and deserving of good things and beauty, even if you are physically limited, and whether your alcoholics and others in your life are in their disease or not.
My sponsor tells me that sometimes the only thing someone has to give us is a lesson in how not to be. Take that lesson from your husband, be grateful that is not the only kind of lesson you are equipped to teach, and live for yourself with the effervescent and beautiful spirit inside you that has rescued and welcomed me more times than I can count.
You are so valuable. You are such a precious child of God. I do not know what to say about the things your husband says to you except to make the observation that there is more than one type of blindness, and he is afflicted with the very worst kind. What a sad way to have to live. Thank goodness you do not have to live that way!
I love you and I want you to tap into your HP's beauty, acceptance, strength, and care, because that is what you deserve. Keep your trust and faith where it belongs, and keep coming back.
Love,
Emmie
I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. It's great to see all the wonderful caring replies you've gotten. Now there's a reason to get out of bed........people you've never even met in person truley care about you and how you're feeling. That alone says alot for the type of person you are. A GOOD one!
You really do have an awful lot on your plate right now and it is during these times when we have to take extra special care of ourselves. Dealing with your dads illness as well as your moms is hard enough. Then add in your own physical problems, pain, depression and everything else......that almost too much for a person to take. I'm very glad you are going to the mental health program. I hope it helps get you back on track.
As for your husband.........his behaviour toward you is abusive. Sometimes the mental, emotional and verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. Ever hear the saying........Hurt people, hurt people? In other words, if someones hurting inside, they tend to hurt others. This seems to apply to your husband. During this time he should be supporting you, comforting you, being there for you. Instead of putting you down and insulting you about your weight, which at this moment is really the least of your worries. I personally have never had a weight problem so I can't say I know what you're going through, but many of my friends have dealt with this and I've witnessed the struggle and pain they've gone through. This is a good time to take strength from your program. Remember the slogans.....First things First, Take it Easy, How important is it? and all the rest. Those little slogans really have helped me so much.
Sometimes when it seems everything in my life is going crazy and I don't know what to pray anymore........I simply pray for Gods will to be done. I know I can't go wrong praying that way. Maybe give it a try? My thoughts and prayers are with you, you're going to get through this and you will be ok!
*********this program teaches us that in order to have peace and for our lives to be manageable, we have to accept life on lifes terms. That's where the serenity prayer comes in......
God grant me the serenity to accept the fact that my mom has alzheimers and my dad has parkinsons and heart failure (the things I cannot change)
The courage to face both of these challenging issues with your strength, compassion, love and the peace that passes all understanding which only you can give (change the things I can....your reaction to your parents illnesses)
And the Wisdom to know the difference. (you cannot change what is wrong with your parents no matter how much you want to)
On a personal note, my both parents past away from illnesses when I was just 18 years old. I had a 1 year old daughter, was an only child and never had to fend for myself in this world. Until they died. I felt like someone thrown into the middle of the deepest ocean who didn't know how to swim. It was an extremely difficult time for me. I'm 37 now and still thinking back to that time is hard for me. I was so depressed and so desolate inside when they died that I honestly didn't care if I lived or not. The only thing that kept me going was my daughter during that time. Bad things happen to good people. Our situations and misfortunes don't dictate who or what we are inside.
When you pray to God to save your marriage or make your marriage better, you are praying for your will to be done, not God's will. Maybe God is telling you what to do. I know it is always hard to hear the message when you are emotional, it is also hard to hear the message when we don't like the answer.
You can't change your husband. I'm so sorry you are in pain.
April
Thanks for sharing. It was a good share. I don't have my husband saying anything about my weight I however have me always focous on my weight.
(((((((((((cdb))))))))))) Now stop being hard on you. You are to be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself. Sometimes we slip but we can start our day over at any point and time.
You are in my heart and prayers.
Hugs Mary
CDB ,many many many (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
wow I relate to how you are feeling inside!!!! But you know how you and the rest of us feel about loosing dadrrb? That's exactly how we'd feel loosing you too. Please, don't give up! I KNOW it's soooo hard to get up because I feel like that to a lot of the time! But you are such a kind and caring person and I know that all you want is the pain of the 'now' to go away, it's too hard to deal with, especially without support at home. But , take it one millisecond at a time if you have to and know that God will be carrying you along in His loving arms right now. He tells us that he'll carry us 'thru' not keep us 'from' going thru pain. It's easier to tell someone this than to see it while going thru it. But everyone here is on your side CDB. We all love you and see the truly wonderful loving person you are! Go to that program, I've been to one like that and it was most helpful to me! You'll make some wonderful friends in there too. And most likely help them out too knowing you like we do!!!! You know you couldn't NOT help them , that's just the person CDB is and WE Know it!!!!!!!!!
I wish for you that your spouse would become the man that his HP wants him to be and realize that his wife is a wonderful caring human being and how loving she is and what a wonderful woman she is , the gift God has given him for his lifetime! So many don't know what they have till it's gone...I pray that he sees you thru God's eyes!
Love ya girl,
Jonibaloni21 take care of our CDB please
dear cdb,
please pay very little attention to your husband, it is his being mean thats the problem . there may be many reasons why he is like it . but you need to rise above it , i know its hard and you have so much to deal with but you are loved and respected . you sent me my first reply and it ment so very much to me and i always read your posts and wonder at the depth of understanding and compassion that you have . so a big old hug from england , i wish you well in all your endevours. when the time is right you can sort your weight out.but a beautifull soul is priceless Mars